Crazy? I Was Crazy Once.

A year has passed since Beulah was born. As I reflect on my time as a mother, one thought comes to mind; I was CRAZY!! I haven't talked about my PPD (postpartum depression) here since I confessed my need for medication. It has been a process. There have been ups and downs. But, I want to praise the LORD today that I am Zoloft free!!

When Andy married me, I think he thought he had it easy. No one, including me, could tell a difference in my moods when I had PMS. I never had cramps. My periods were light and short, and I was always bubbly and positive. All that changed the day Beulah was born. We have several ways of referring to the period of time (Beulah's first 8-10 months) that PPD ruled. Andy is a good and sweet husband and kindly refers to it as the time when I was in a "fog". I just say, "I was crazy!"

When I was in the fog, I didn't realize how crazy I was. I thought everyone else was crazy. But, coming out of it and looking back, I see that I was, in fact...crazy!

This weekend on our way home from Atlanta, we decided to stop at the outlet mall in Commerce for a while. We had a great time walking around with Mike & Ria, wandering in and out of shops, and enjoying the beautiful weather. Beulah took a short nap on Andy in the Baby Bjorn, I fed her in the car, and Ria & I played peek-a-boo and other games with her on the way home. At one point she started to get fussy, and I didn't know what she needed. I felt myself get the tiniest bit anxious, and then I remembered. I remembered what I was like before...when I was crazy. I played the whole scenario in my head and allowed myself to image what my reaction would have been like if I were still in my fog.

My PPD manifested itself in several different ways; ways that mimic a combination of other disorders. The most overt manifestation was my obsession with numbers. The hospital asks you to keep records of food intake and diaper output while you're in the hospital. Pediatricians don't require you to continue record keeping once released, but I did anyway. That was one early clue that something was wrong. But, it seemed right to me. While I couldn't control HER and I couldn't force her to eat or go to the bathroom, I could control the numbers on the paper.

I have always been a slave to the clock, but when my PPD was at it's worst, I could not deviate from my self-imposed schedule even one minute or the anxiety would take over and that would lead to anger. I also obsessed about the amount of food she took in. As you may remember, I kept a rented hospital scale at our house for a month or longer. I weighed Beulah (naked, no-less) before and after every breast feeding, and whatever she didn't get from me, I supplemented with formula. I was terrified about not knowing how much she took in while nursing, and I did not trust my instincts. But, I trusted the numbers. And, poor Andy, if he made a bottle and didn't put in perfectly level scoops of formula, he was going to hear about it. It was even worse if he was pouring breast-milk into a bottle and didn't get every last drop of that "liquid gold" into the bottle she would drink! Poor guy couldn't do anything right in my eyes during that time. (More on that later.)

I also had to put Beulah down for naps on time or I would implode. If I needed to go out for any reason during the day, I would get every single little thing we might need while we were out ready while she was asleep, and when she woke up it was go time. If she woke up before I was finished getting ready...well, how many times can I say "anxiety" in one post? If we were out and it was getting close to time for her to go back down, the anxiety would start to rise, I would start rushing, Beulah would start to sense my anxiety and start fussing, then we would just feed off each other creating this vicious cycle. (I managed to get "anxiety" in that sentence two more times! Woo hoo!) It was all about the clock. And, again, I refer to him as "poor Andy", but if he made the slightest sound within Beulah's ear shot while she was sleeping, he saw my eyes turn red with anger.

The Zoloft definitely helped. I could feel myself start to relax a few short days after I started taking it. My doctor wisely recommended that I stay on the medication during the holidays, as they tend to be stressful. So, in January I started to wean. A lot of my old symptoms resurfaced in January. In February, the symptoms were present during ovulation when the hormones shift drastically. In March, the symptoms continued to decrease, and now in April I am starting to feel like my old self again. Praise the LORD!!

I have so much joy every day now. Being Beulah's mom is more than I could ever ask or imagine. Andy and I look at each other everyday and shake our heads in amazement at how happy she is and how blessed we are to be her parents. Andy's mom described it best, we've gone from "Rags to riches!" That's exactly how we feel.

I still try to keep to a schedule, but most of the time I'm WAY more laid back if things aren't going as planned. I'm still obsessed with her cleanliness. For some reason I can't stand the thought of her clothes getting stained or ruined, so I can be pretty controlling during feedings. I tell myself it doesn't matter and I shouldn't be that way, but it doesn't change. And, I'm still trying to figure out how to cope when I'm cooking and she's hanging on my legs. That's the one time I get really anxious. I think it's because cooking is so time sensitive and I can't always just stop and tend to her when there's food on the stove.

In my fog, I felt justified in all of my thoughts and actions. I couldn't imagine feeling any different. I thought everyone else should feel exactly like I did, and I got angry when they didn't. I would tell Andy through tears that I just wanted somebody else to care as much as I did and to understand how important all this was. He and my mom got the brunt of it. They are saints in my eyes. I seemed to control myself better around Andy's mom, but I wasn't hiding anything. She saw it and was a huge help too, as was Andy's sister. Others would come just to sit with me and keep me company, encourage me, or help out if I needed it. I thank God so much for putting people around me to help ground me.

I'm sure I haven't even begun to see all the damage that was done during that time. I know that my controlling behavior effected Andy's confidence as a dad. It made him gun-shy to try anything. He was afraid that I would reprimand him for not doing things like I thought they should be done. But, thankfully, our LORD is in the healing business, and He has started the healing process already. I try to give Andy freedom to become the dad that God wants him to be. I try to stand back and let him find his own ways of interacting with Beulah and his own ways of accomplishing the tasks related to her care. That's not always easy, but it is necessary. It's not just women who go through PPD. Men go through it too. If you know a man going through PPD with his wife, encourage him. Send him a link to this so that he can see there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I thank God for His grace in healing our family. It gives me hope that we could do this again if He chooses to bless us with another child!

Insides Out

As humans, we are captivated by stories. We get lost in books and movies (and unfortunately reality TV), as we witness conflict, love and betrayal, tragedy and hope in other people's lives. We look for windows into their world and watch with anticipation as they face and respond to challenges. We are interested in how they are similar and different from us. Their stories can help us make sense of our own lives and world. God created us that way. That's why the Bible is written as a story, and one reason Jesus spoke in parables. Is it any wonder that the Bible is the world's best seller? I mean, when the author is also our Creator...

This is also why blogs are so popular. We love it when people lay their guts on the table for everyone to see. It moves us emotionally. It draws us back. It motivates us. It helps shape who we are as we agree with, disagree with, learn from, and are challenged by what we read. I like to consider my blog a ministry. I put my insides out there for others to see in hopes that it will help them (you) in some small way. But, unfortunately, due to time, my posts have become little more than a journal of Beulah's development. Of course, that's important, and I love doing it! Her development is ridiculously fascinating to me and maybe a handful of other people (like our parents and other out-of-state relatives), but perhaps not the majority of my followers.

I miss exposing my guts. It's therapy for me. It forces me to reflect and consider why I think and feel the way I do. Over the past year I have drafted 23 posts that have yet to be published. The drafts cover a wide range: sanctification through families, relationship changes after baby, the Holy Spirit as Counselor, breast-feeding, fear, selfishness, good books, PPD (postpartum depression), and many more. I write them in my head, but haven't found the time to put them down in black and white. Sometimes I come to blogger and simply write a title and one or two lines to remind me later where I was going in my head. But, it's time I go back and start hashing some of them out. To my faithful followers, hold on. There will be guts exposed over the next several months.

Interestingly, some of the posts are complete. But, before I hit the "publish" button, "something" told me to wait. I hadn't learned all I needed to learn on the topic yet. Of course, publishing a blog post doesn't make anyone an expert on the topic, but I at least like to think I'm sharing something well thought out that might be of value to someone else when I finally publish it. At this point though, I'm learning so much so fast, that the posts seem to morph before my eyes. So, I realize that I'm going to have to publish posts with the knowledge that there is more learning on the topic in my future. I've closed the book on infertility (Hallelujah!). I feel like God taught me a lot through those six long years, and I felt confident sharing it. But, now I feel like I've entered a world where the book will remain open and require multiple revisions over a lifetime. And, I look forward to baring my soul to you along the way.

Happy 1st Birthday, Beulah!!

I can't think of a more glorious day to have a first Birthday than Easter Sunday! All praise to God our Father, and Jesus Christ His Son for conquering sin and death on the cross, and offering us new life in Him through His resurrection! Life is worth living because He lives!!

This has been such a fun month. Beulah is bursting with personality, as you'll see in the pictures and videos. I finally got video of the knee bounce and of her taking steps (see videos)! She will be walking any day now!

You've probably noticed that I'm not in a lot of pictures with Beulah, but I think my mama is going to remedy that. One of our favorite things to do is Skype with our families. While we are video conferencing, my mom takes pictures with her web-cam and sends them to me. So, in the pictures, you should be able to see how much fun Beulah and I have together. She has become so affectionate over the past month. She gives hugs now! Mostly to me and her stuffed animals. :) It is one of the best feelings in the world! She loves to bite my nose (with her FOUR new teeth!) and pull my hair (see pictures). She thinks it's hilarious, so I don't mind. If we tell her to love her animals, she hugs them tight to her chest and twists from side to side, and sometimes she gives them kisses.

My little copy cat has learned a few new gestures that crack me up; batting her eye lashes, shrugging her shoulders while turning her palms up and shaking her head (as if to say, "I don't know."), fake laughing, and making kissey sounds. She loves to go back and forth with her grandparents on Skype showing off her new tricks. She's also figured out how to hold the cell phone to her ear and say "Hi". What? She's just now a year old! Oh boy, we're in for it!

Speaking of being in for it, she has continued to be pretty dramatic at meal time. She's started throwing her food on the floor. We're working on that, but in the meantime, I'm doing an awful lot of entertaining just to get food in her. She has a crazy loud squeal that we hear at almost every mealtime, but we also hear it anytime she's found something she likes that we have to take away for some reason. Man, she can be feisty!! Feisty, but also silly. We will ask her a question like, "Do you want to get your diaper changed?", and she will grin and shake her head "no". Sometimes her responses have perfect comedic timing.

Beulah is super observant and has started to figure out how some things work. Her physical development doesn't seem to have caught up to her cognitive, because she can get pretty frustrated when she can't make something work that she knows should work. Besides the cell phone, she has figured out cabinets, drawers, zip locks, lids and containers, stacking cups, drinking from a sippy cup, velcro, shoes, headbands and balls. She holds the bottom of a shoe up to the bottom of her foot and then offers me the shoe so that I can put it on her. As soon as I put the shoe on her, she unlatches the velcro and takes it off, then it becomes a game. Her daddy has been amazed at the fact that she's learned how to throw a ball! Aim is another story. But throwing, she gets! And, I don't know where she learned how to put on a horseshoe shaped headband (I've never worn one, and neither has she) but, she has one to play with, and she'll put it on her head (upside down, no less) and leave it there! She knows it's funny, so she starts cracking up. This child is too big for her britches!

This month, Beulah's verbal skills are developing fast. Besides "mama" and "dada", we've clearly heard her say "dog". Usually, when we see a dog we say, "doggie". She got very excited when she saw Pedro the other day and started saying, "ah-ggie, ah-ggie"!! It was such a great moment for me!! We also mock animal sounds with her a lot, and she will mimick our dog, monkey and goat sounds! This is SUCH a fun age!

Board books are one of Beulah's favorite things. A friend who was working in the church nursery one Sunday said that she just sat there looking at books most of the time. She'll open the pages and look at them. And, she's very tactile, so she loves the touch and feel books. But, she can also be very lively! If we put her on the couch, she will cruise the length of the couch as fast as she can, and when she gets to the end, she'll either fall backwards (trusting that she'll land on the soft cushions or that we'll catch her), or she'll try to climb over the arm onto the floor! One time she went over so fast I had to catch her by her leg! And, she LOVES to flip. So, when she starts this wild streak, we usually add some flips in to really liven things up. :)

Beulah had an awesome first birthday party. There will be more pics, etc. to come in the next few days. It was a blast, and she did great!!

I can't help but feel overwhelmed by our blessings today as we celebrate Beulah's birthday AND the resurrection of our Savior! Thank you God for the birth of this miracle one year ago today, and thank you for loving us enough that you allowed your Son to die so that she might have life.