Mama's first 10 weeks--Uncut!

I've worked on this post every week since Beulah was 3 weeks old. The title has changed five or six times (7 weeks...8 weeks...9 weeks...and now 10 weeks). We'll see if I get it done this time! I can't believe my beautiful, little girl is already almost 3 months old! She'll be crawling and into things before I know it! I'm savoring every second.

As someone who waited almost 7 years for a baby, I feel like I should only have wonderful things to say about being a mom. But, anybody who's done it knows that's not reality. And, if you've read my blogs in the past, you know that I'm not one to hide the truth about what I'm feeling, even if it makes me look bad. So, here goes!

The past 10 weeks can be accurately described by the lyrics of an old song that ran through my head daily the first couple of weeks. "Joy, joy, and pain--it's like sunshine, and rain." The joy and love can not be expressed. But, with the joy comes challenges. As my sweet friend Anna said, "No one can prepare you for those first few weeks." So true, my friend, so true. Recovering from major surgery, post-pregnancy hormones, learning to care for a new baby, and breastfeeding would all be major events if they happened all by themselves. But, when they happen all at once (as all of you moms can attest), it takes everything you've got...and everyone else around you too. :) My new motto, reflecting on the past 10 weeks, is--every day is different. You'll see how I've come to that conclusion as you read further.

The C-section
SUNSHINE--I had come to a place of peace before it happened. Praise the LORD, and thank you all for your prayers. I was OK because I knew that when I went in the O.R. that I would come out with my daughter! The procedure was quick, and Andy was even able to take some great pictures of the birth.
RAIN--Well, obviously with major abdominal surgery there is physical pain. Beyond the physical, it was incredibly surreal to hear the doctor (who's face I never even saw in the O.R.) say from behind the curtain, "OK, we've started!" only 5 minutes after they administered the spinal that instantly numbed my lower half. What?! Then, she said, "We're about to have a baby!" Next thing you know, out from behind the curtain comes this baby who I didn't see or feel come out of my body. I'm thinking, how can I be sure she's mine? Then they whisk her away for suctioning and tests.
SUNSHINE--Andy was amazing! The minute they brought her out, he was by her side, touching her, talking to her, bonding with her. It was really beautiful.
RAIN--I lay there on the table, alone, with tears in my eyes. I'm not sure whether they were tears of joy or sadness that I couldn't touch her or if I was just overwhelmed. Meanwhile, I'm wondering--what's this pressure I feel in my chest? I'm dizzy. Am I about to pass out?
SUNSHINE--Her APGAR scores climbed from 7 to 8 to 9. She's healthy and crying loudly!
RAIN--My body began to shake uncontrollably, a side effect of the medications. I had heard there would be shaking, but I had no idea it would be so violent. The nurses asked me if I wanted to hold my baby, but I was shaking so badly, I couldn't hold her yet.
SUNSHINE--I was out of bed without tubes within 5 hours. The nurse joked that they should have done it as an outpatient surgery! After I got home, I healed quickly with minimal pain.

Postpartum Hormones
RAIN--After giving birth, you already feel out of control. You're trying to get to know and care for this helpless little person who can't talk, yet she depends fully on you. Sometimes you can't figure out what she needs, and you can't MAKE her do anything (eat, sleep, poop, etc.). The normal fears and anxiety that come with taking care of a new baby are heightened by postpartum hormones. For me (and many other women I've talked to), it manifested in obsessive worry and anxiety. I'm a rule follower, so when somebody tells me I should do something, especially if I perceive the source to be smarter than me (like doctors), I do it. I'm also a slave to the clock. So, as an obsessive new mom I found myself charting the exact times and amounts of feedings and BMs. It was my way of controlling what was, in reality, out of my control. By the time our moms got here, I was a wreck!
SUNSHINE--Moms. They are the best! They were such an incredible help. But, by the time Andy's mom got here for week 3, I was already crying thinking about her leaving the next week! Needless to say, she was worried about me. :) After she saw the routine we had been keeping and saw how I was responding to things, she said, "you have GOT to relax! Put away your charts and trust your instincts." It was SO freeing! Yet, admittedly, I found other ways to obsess and control the situation. Andy's sister, Heather (or med school mommy, as you may know her), gave me the best, most simple advice, "enjoy your baby." Oh yeah, that IS what I'm supposed to be doing!
RAIN--At times, I've felt like I was totally out of control of my emotions. I've been hypersensitive when it comes to issues with Beulah. I don't believe I've been depressed, but I have had MANY moments of hopelessness and a serious lack of faith. The onslaught of hormones has magnified parts of my personality to an unmanageable degree. Poor Andy. Y'all pray for him. He's such a good and patient man. :)
SUNSHINE--Sometimes the hypersensitivity is ridiculous--funny even (although it's rarely funny). The best thing you can do is acknowledge it to those witnessing, warn them not to laugh, and continue carrying on. You can all laugh about how off your rocker you are later...much later.

Feeding
SUNSHINE--At our first attempt to breastfeed, Beulah was interested!
RAIN--But, because of latching difficulties she couldn't get more than a couple of sips the whole day.
SUNSHINE--At 11 PM (she was born at 9:48 AM) she latched on and didn't let go for an hour and a half! She seemed to be a very vigorous nurser!
RAIN--By our last day in the hospital, her weight had dropped by 10% and they were talking about supplementing.
SUNSHINE--At our pediatrician's visit the next morning, he told me to go home and pump until my milk came in. After our appointment, I fed her in the parking lot where my milk came in! At our follow-up appointment three days later, she had gained 5 oz!!
RAIN--Sparing you the details, engorgement over the next day or two caused me to have traumatized nipples. Men, you don't want to know. Don't bother clicking the link unless your wife is expecting. :)
SUNSHINE--Through nursing, engorgement was relieved and latching became much more manageable. Once we established a successful latch, I could begin the healing process.
RAIN--My original assessment that she was a vigorous nurser turned out to be wrong. Beulah was a sleepy baby. Nursing was taking up to an hour and a half per feeding. For those of you who don't know, newborns should be fed every 2.5 to 3 hrs. from the start of one feeding to the start of the next. So, yes, your calculations are correct, there was only 1 to 1.5 hrs. between feedings, night and day, and there was nothing Andy could do to help. Keeping her awake meant I couldn't sleep while I nursed. So, I would sit upright in a chair, turn on lights and play music. It's amazing how much encouragement you can get from children's Bible songs when your exhausted and overwhelmed. (I highly recommend Steve Green for your child's collection!) Despite the insane amount of time spent nursing, after a couple of days, I started to notice that she didn't seem to be getting enough and her cheeks weren't filling out. So, we made an appointment with a lactation consultant we met in the hospital.
SUNSHINE--The lactation consultant was very encouraging. She confirmed that my mommy instincts were right. Yes, Beulah had gained 5 oz in 3 days after my milk came in, but the three following days she had only gained 1 oz. She wasn't getting enough. So, we had to figure out whether it was because of my milk supply or because of Beulah's nursing ability. So, she observed me nursing and weighed Beulah to see how much she was getting. She had only taken 24 mls in 30 minutes. 30 mls is an ounce. She should have been able to get 2-3 oz in 10-45 mins. The nurse said, "Breastfeeding is supposed to be hard, but not THIS hard." Thank you. I needed to hear that! After nursing for a while, she had me pump to see if I had any milk left, and I had plenty. So, it wasn't a problem with my milk supply. That was encouraging. But, what about my baby?
RAIN--We were put on a schedule of pumping and supplementing with formula. I know the postpartum hormones have something to do with it, but I couldn't watch her feed from a bottle without crying. It was especially hard to see my tiny baby gag on the nipple and faster flow of the milk.
SUNSHINE--This meant that feedings were not all up to me! Now daddy, Ninnie & Nana (who came to help) can bond with Beulah during feedings too.
RAIN--But, now supplies are an issue. We have to make sure bottles and pumping accessories are clean and in place at all times. We've got to try different bottles and nipples and make sure we had enough that we weren't up washing all night long. We also had a lot to learn about breastmilk and formula storage and warming. Quick. I was overwhelmed and mentally shut down that night. I was so exhausted, I couldn't process how all this was going to work. I cried...a lot.
SUNSHINE--That night, to help me catch up on some sleep and because it was too hard (emotionally) for me to feed her from a bottle, Andy and my mom (Ninnie) took the night feedings. I was only responsible for getting up at midnight and 5 AM to pump. Man, that helped!
RAIN--When you're tied to a machine (the pump), it's difficult (to say the least) to care for your baby if she needs you, and I was pumping seven times a day for 20 mins each.
SUNSHINE--After another visit to lactation, I continued to breastfeed as much as possible and supplement where necessary. We rented a scale from the hospital so that I could see how much Beulah was getting each time I breastfed. That helped me to know how much we needed to supplement. Finally! She was getting enough and she started chunking up! (However, the scale allowed me to obsess about the numbers again, and I kept it until last week!)
RAIN--She started fighting the bottle; arching her back, choking, spitting, crying. She also had terrible gas. So, we switched her to a gentler formula, but nothing changed. We took her to the pediatrician who told us to try soy. That didn't help either. So, we took her back to the pediatrician who diagnosed her with reflux and put her on a rice cereal supplement as well as baby Zantac. We also went to see a pediatric GI specialist, who confirmed the diagnosis. After adding the rice cereal, her BMs became very difficult, and only seemed to make things worse. So, we stopped giving it to her. And even on the Zantac, the gas and bottle feeding seemed to get worse. I started thinking, maybe it wasn't reflux at all. So, we've also taken her off of that. I wanted to take her off of formula as well and strictly breastfeed, but since Beulah hadn't been pulling the milk she needed from me, my milk supply had decreased.
SUNSHINE--A dear friend finally said to me (last week), "maybe Beulah's body isn't ready for full feedings. Maybe she needs smaller amounts more frequently." So, I have tried that over the past week, and my milk supply seems to have increased and she seems to be getting enough! She's off of formula altogether! Thanks, Les (and God, of course)!
RAIN--Her gas is still horrendous, even though I've altered my diet trying to figure out the problem. She will be smiling and all the sudden, her face turns down, she gets red, stiffens her body and screams. If she passes it, she goes back to smiling. If she doesn't, she continues to scream until she does. And we'll think--OK, that was it. She's gonna feel better now. But, it never ends. It wakes her up, so her naps are very short and sporadic. Sometimes she won't eat either. And, Mylicon doesn't even touch it. Unfortunately, I have not handled seeing my baby in pain very well. I cry when she cries. I try to tell myself...at least it's not terminal or even all that serious. There are so many people who deal with SO much more than this. I also try to remind myself that God doesn't promise us a pain-free, perfect life. But, the self talk doesn't seem to help or change how I feel when she screams out in pain.
SUNSHINE--We've been taking her to the chiropractor, which seems to be helping her to have more regular BMs, but is not yet helping with the gas. We have hope in the potential for this to help.

NOTE--I have such respect for any breastfeeding woman. After witnessing my struggles, Andy has said that breastfeeding is not for the faint at heart. I also have the utmost respect for mothers of preemies or children with special needs. It's hard enough to feed a healthy, full term baby. I can't imagine what you, my friends, have been though. May God bless you and your little ones.

Going Out
Getting out of the house with a newborn takes practice. It's especially challenging when feedings take an hour an a half! You've got to time it just right. Get everything you'll need, ready and in place, feed the baby, then get in the car as quickly as possible. You DON'T want to get stuck having to breastfeed for an hour and a half anywhere but at home, especially in a car in a parking lot somewhere! People kept asking me, "Have you gotten out yet?" Um...no. Why? Should I? Ha ha! I finally gave myself permission to take it slow. It was just easier to be at home, especially when it looks like we're hurting her when we're only trying to feed her! The spitting, choking and screaming would have invited plenty of looks and comments from strangers. Who wants that? We're doing the best we can here! It's definitely gotten easier. We're out at least once a day, and have been able to start going for walks in the neighborhood every morning. Ahhh, fresh air and sunshine! It's so good for mama, baby and doggie. :)

Getting Things Done
Simply put, I haven't. If I have a chance to nap while she's napping, I'm taking it! I'm lucky to get a shower...every other day. I've done laundry a couple of times. Cleaning the house? You've got to be kidding me! Doing the dishes is the one thing I do on a daily basis...almost. I've only cooked a handful of times. Thank God for a husband who doesn't mind cleaning and loves to cook, because we'd all starve if it weren't for him. I'm lucky to get breakfast and lunch when he's not here! And I've only got ONE baby! I've thought about women who have more than one child or those who have to do this by themselves about a million times. My heart goes out to them.

Overall, I have thoroughly enjoyed my baby girl. She is such a precious gift, and has inspired so many smiles and so much laughter in our home. The reason I want to share the challenges is because I am SO thankful to every woman who was real with me and tried to prepare me for how difficult it would be. I was so grateful when Heather said, "After the first couple of weeks, it only gets easier." And, it's true! It takes time to get to know somebody, especially somebody who can't talk. But, as time goes by, you feel more confident in your relationship and your ability to predict her wants and needs. And, remember, every day is different. Just because something went right today, doesn't mean it will tomorrow. But, that also works the opposite way. Just because something went wrong today doesn't mean it will tomorrow.

OK, now brace yourself for a cheesy metaphor. It takes sunshine AND rain to make the flowers grow.

Our Crazy Day!

I'll start from the beginning.

7:00 AM - I woke up to discover that I had been bleeding in the night. Andy (calm and collected-thank God!) called the doctor.

7:11 - The midwife on call returned the call, asked questions, and recommended I call the ob-gyn when the office opened at 8:00 to see if they could fit me in today.

8:00 - I called the ob-gyn and got an appointment for 9:45.

9:45 - We saw the midwife, who asked a bunch of questions and did an exam. She said she didn't see any active (red) bleeding. It all looked like old (brown) blood, which is good. The doppler showed that Beulah's heartbeat was strong! But, she recommended we have an ultrasound to look at the placenta.

10:30 - The ultrasound showed Beulah playing with her sweet little toes! Too cute! She said Beulah has "chubby toes" and is weighing in at 4 lbs 15 oz!! She's a big girl! She looked great, and wasn't in distress at all. She is breech, but that's another story. However, the view of the placenta showed some dark spots. As she was looking at them, she said, "It looks like you're going to be heading back to the Women's Center (the high risk doctor)." She left the room to talk to the doctor. A few minutes later a nurse came in and said the tech was on the phone and needed some text books. Hmm, that didn't sound good! The midwife came in several minutes later to tell us that they weren't exactly sure what they were seeing and had made me an appointment at 12:45 with the specialist. They said that if Beulah was in distress at all or if the placenta wasn't supplying her with everything she needed, they may have to take her!

11:20 - We called our families and some friends we knew would be home and asked them to pray. By God's grace, we had an unexplainable peace.

11:30 - Andy took me to Brixx, my favorite brick oven pizza restaurant. I told Andy that I wanted to go there before we had the baby, and we thought this may be our last chance!

12:45 PM - I had another ultrasound, during which Beulah was still happily playing with her toes. :) After the ultrasound, the tech brought the doctor in, who did his own ultrasound. He asked questions as he looked. He said the dark spots are "placenta lakes", pockets of blood, which can be normal! He looked for blood behind the placenta (which would be bad), but didn't see any. In the end he said he thought everything was fine! What?! Of course! We found out later that in the short amount of time since we had called family and friends, they had spread the word and we had been added to several prayer lists! This child has been a miracle from conception, she is in God's hands. What better hands could she be in? We don't have to worry. What a relief!

2:00 - We drove home praising God.

4:00 - We took a nap. :)

Thank you for your prayers today. They were heard once again! While we want Beulah to stay in as long as she can to develop fully, we'd be lying if we said we weren't a little excited at the thought of meeting her. We'll wait till she's ready though. :)

High Risk?

Friday was my 28 week check up, glucose screening, and the follow-up ultra sound they promised when they saw my low lying placenta in the last ultra sound.  At the time, there wasn't much concern because they figured the placenta would move up as my uterus grew.  This was just a precaution to be sure that it had.

In the ultra sound we saw that Beulah is doing great, praise the LORD! She has beautiful long (dancer) legs, and her hands were clasped in a prayer position up by her face. Precious!

leg and foot (up left)

praying hands

After the scan we went back to see the doctor. She told us that in all of her 9 years of practice she's never seen a low lying placenta do what mine did. It went down instead of up. Which means I have placenta previa. I have been placed on "pelvic rest", which limits my physical activities, including exercise, house work, grocery shopping, intimacy, etc. Thankfully, I haven't had any bleeding, so they aren't putting me on bed-rest...yet. If I see any blood, I have to call the "authorities" immediately. Oh, and I've now been labeled a "high risk pregnancy".

Beulah is not in danger at this point. The only way this would be a problem for her is if I went into labor. They believe I have a blood vessel running along my cervix that is supplying blood to Beulah. If I were to dialte at all, the blood vessel would rupture, which would be a danger for us both. The only way to be sure that doesn't happen is to deliver her by c-section up to three weeks before her due date.  The doctor, who has been cold and uninterested in the past, rolled her stool up next to me, put her hand on my knee, looked me in the eyes and said, "This is serious. Do you understand?"

To be sure they know exactly what is going on, they are sending me to a high risk doctor Friday at 8 AM. I'm not sure exactly what that will entail, but I think they'll be using a higher powered machine to see the blood vessels clearly to make sure Beulah is getting what she needs from the placenta.  If the vessels are showing signs of constriction at all, I will be put on bed-rest.  Of course I'll let you know what the doctor says.

Sunday, some friends along with the elders of our church filled the tiny chapel at the YMCA to pray over us (James 5:14).  It was the most amazing moment.  As they were praying, Beulah was moving more than she's ever moved at once!  After one person prayed, the next would say that the words that were on their heart had already been spoken by someone else.  They prayed for protection for me & Beulah and prayed that God would move my placenta out of the way if it's His will.  Our hearts and prayers were all in unity, and we left with such a peace and calm in our hearts (Matthew 18:20).  No matter how God chooses to bring Beulah into the world, we feel confident that both she and I will be safe and healthy.  Thankfully, I haven't worried too much, and my peace has been confirmed through others who are praying for us.  My cousin said that every time she sits down to pray for us, God tells her to "Move on.  I've got this one covered."  :)

While we were praying, one of our elders found this comforting verse.

Isaiah 66:9  "Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?" says the LORD.  "Do I close up the womb when I bring to delivery?" says your God.

These encouraging words have also been given to us from multiple sources this week.

Philippians 1:6  "...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion..."

Philippians 4:6-7  "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

In the past week, many women have shared similar stories about placenta previa.  In some cases the placenta moved and they were able to deliver "naturally".  In others, the babies were successfully delivered by cesarian.  We're praying that God will move the placenta (Matthew 17:20), but we trust His sovereignty no matter how she gets here (Psalm 56:3, Isaiah 26:3-4).  Thank you for your prayers and encouragement!  We are so excited that we're getting close to meeting our baby girl!!

Scary

Tuesday I learned that a friend had a miscarriage. All day Wednesday I thought about her and prayed that God would comfort her and her husband. I tried to imagine how she must feel by trying to put myself in her shoes, but of course, I can't really know.

As we sat down for dinner Wednesday night, I started getting this sharp pain in my stomach. It continued to get worse during dinner. It was like a contraction in my stomach, not my lower abdomen where the baby is, but just above my belly button. After sitting for a while I couldn't stand straight because it felt like something was pulling and it kept getting worse. I went to the bathroom to check for blood, but praise the Lord, there was none.

I decided to take a shower, and after almost three hours of this sharp pain surging and releasing non-stop, I just got down on my knees in the shower and prayed to the only one who could make it stop. About five minutes later the pain was gone for good.

I am SO thankful to God that everything seems to be OK. But, please remember my friend when you pray.

I Saw My Baby Yesterday!!!

Have you ever been really excited about something just to have your joy squashed by someone's words?  I don't know if we realize how powerful our tongue can be.  If you tell people that you're pregnant before your second trimester you better be prepared to hear a variety of responses.  Most people we told were ecstatic, but the ones that showed hesitation to be excited or asked questions that were leading to the possibility of miscarriage or other complications, those were the ones that stuck to me.  I mean, I understand why.  Some of them have been through some really traumatic experiences and don't want to see us hurt.

Most of the time I could fight off the fear by reminding myself that God is the one that made this happen in the first place and that He would take care of this baby, but then my fear would consume me again when I had a few days without symptoms and thought that maybe the baby had stopped developing.  So, you can imagine the anxiety with which I climbed up on the table yesterday for my first ultra sound.  I knew this was the moment that would determine my journey for the months ahead.

If you've been through this before, you know that feeling...I'm laying there with hopes and fears swirling around together, dying to know which will win.  The ultra sound tech puts the warm gel on my belly, I hold my breath and grab Andy's hand as she puts the wand to my abdomen, and there it is...the most beautiful sight a mother could see, MY BABY!!!!  We gasp together and watch eagerly as she scrolls over this tiny little person inside me.  How amazing it is to see that tiny little beating heart, that gorgeous spine, those arms and legs moving, the two hemispheres of the brain!!  She said she could see the bladder, which means the kidneys must be functioning properly!  I'm not typically so attracted to organs which is one reason I knew I could never work in the medical field, but I must say, I have never seen anything so beautiful in my life!!  We got a DVD of the whole sonogram and our first baby pictures to capture the moment.  What a treasure!  I'll post some ASAP so you can meet baby Crissinger.  Uncle Mike is getting married this weekend, so we haven't had time to do it yet...maybe next week.

I am so incredibly thankful for this blessing.  I know that I have been guarding my heart and not letting myself fall in love with this baby for fear that I would lose him/her.  But, seeing him/her on the screen yesterday changed that...and the bonding begins!

Thoughts

A very sweet friend has offered to make the most amazing gift for me.  She will be taking belly pictures of me throughout the pregnancy and then putting them together in a sort of timeline.  She has asked me to send her some of my thoughts that she may use for the gift.  Here is what I sent her after my first picture was taken.

1. One of my favorite verses that I held onto throughout my time of infertility:  Psalm 113:9  
2. God has a plan for this child as his/her very existence is a miracle that has grown the faith of so many even before his/her birth.
3. There is no other way to parent than to trust the God of the universe to care for your child, even from the womb.
4. Nothing can make you fear more than the thought of harm coming to your child, even in the womb.
5. I had a beautiful dream of bathing and nursing our new little bundle.  I love him/her already.
6. It is such a privilege to experience the miracle of life developing inside your body.  Only God can do that.
7. It's easier for me to believe in a God I can't see with my eyes than it is to believe this baby that I can't see is actually there.