When I was little, silence scared me. I needed sounds to keep me company. Not creepy, random sounds that I couldn't control, like acorns falling on the roof, leaves rustling outside, or cars backfiring. (Hey! I'm from GA!) I needed people sounds. If I was busy, the radio was sufficient. But, since I am a visual person, I always preferred TV. We only had channels 2, 5, 8, 11, 17, and 36 back then. The fact that I can remember that is evidence that I loved TV. I knew what came on almost every half hour of the day and what channel it came on. I had my own personal TV schedule. I didn't always watch it while it was on, but it was nice to hear people talking and be able to look up to see them if I wanted to.
As a teenager and now as an adult, I have a very small library of movies that I like to pop in while I'm cleaning to keep me company; Ever After, My Best Friend's Wedding, Shakespeare in Love, Finding Nemo, Jonah and the Big Fish, etc. They are all light hearted, feel good movies, or as some would say "chick flicks". Our friend Ronnie always called them "U rated" (U=uterus). The sounds, the predictability, the feel...they all make me happy. It's an escape. It's a vice. When I was forced to be inactive during my neck injury and surgery, I watched every single episode of The Golden Girls. It came on three times a day, and I didn't miss it. Sure, there were other shows too, but Dorothy, Sophia, Rose and Blanch were my real friends. They were always there when I needed them to make me laugh.
When I was pregnant, I was home alone a lot on days when I was not subbing. I do NOT like being alone. I am an extrovert. I get sad when I'm alone, and get energized when I'm around people. So, while everyone else was working, I had the TV on. It was my friend. It entertained me, taught me, kept me connected with the world around me, etc. So, after Beulah was born, when I was going through PPD, the TV continued to keep me company.
Today Show--until 11 AM, NBC
Cosby Show--11-12 PM, Channel 8
Fresh Prince--12-12:30 PM, Channel 8
Reading Rainbow--12:30-1 PM, PBS Kids
Clifford the Big Red Dog--1-1:30 PM, PBS Kids
Curious George--1:30-2 PM, PBS Kids
Trivial Pursuit--2-3 PM, Channel 10
The Doctors--3-4 PM, NBC
Oprah (because there was nothing else on)--4-4:30 PM, ABC
Jeopardy--4:30-5 PM, NBC
Ellen--5-6 PM, NBC
Scrubs--6-6:30 PM, Channel 8
Deal or No Deal--6:30-7 PM, Channel 12
Jeopardy--7-7:30 PM, NBC
Wheel of Fortune--7:30-8:00 PM, NBC
8:00-10ish depended on the day--Chuck, Biggest Loser, SYTYCD, American Idol, The Office, etc.
You can see why this was a problem. The TV was on from morning to night. If I went into another room to do something, I even turned the TV on in there, sometimes for just a minute or two. It was a compulsion, and addiction. With a schedule like that, there's no time for a quiet devotional or listening to God (*sarcasm*). (No wonder I was depressed!)
As most babies do, Beulah loves the TV. She loves the sounds and moving images. There are certain commercials she will always turn to see, even if she's busy playing with her back to the TV. When she hears it, she turns and watches it. If I want to keep her busy while I try to clean or eat, I put in The Wiggles. She will actually laugh at Dorothy the Dinosaur! It cracks me up!
Sure, this may not be a problem now, but I can see how it could be down the road. Even if we're watching a "kid friendly" show, commercials are unpredictable and sometimes raunchy! Have ya seen the soft porn Hardee's or Victoria's Secret commercials? I mean, COME ON!! Those commercials come on in the daytime when kids are watching TV! And, Lord knows Beulah shouldn't be watching what comes on the TV guide channel! From celebrity gossip to Punk'd to Flava Flav and his brothel! ADULTS shouldn't even be watching that junk, trash, gross, nasty, yucky stuff!!
So, here I am complaining about what comes on TV. But, I have a choice. I can turn it off. Before we had Beulah, we went to some friends' house for dinner. Jeanne and David have two elementary aged kids. The TV was not on, and was not the center point of the living room. Over dinner they told us that they record a few shows that they feel comfortable with their kids watching, and edit out the commercials before the kids watch it! And, they always preview a show before they'll start recording it on a regular basis. In fact, when their oldest was around seven years old, they had a rare night where they watched TV while it was being broadcast. When the commercials came on, the kids said, "What is that? What happened to the show?!" They didn't even know what a commercial was!! We LOVED it! We talked about doing something similar.
I always admired my friend Anna because when I went to her house, her TV was NEVER on. From the time her baby was born (and probably before), she played classical or Christian music softly in the background. She also read her Bible while she nursed and prayed for friends and family with her infant baby. She would say to me, "Me and Hanney (Hannah) just prayed for you!" I was blown away!
My friend Deanna doesn't even HAVE a TV!
So, it's time for a change. After a long and happy love affair, I'm breaking up with TV. Today is our first day apart. I'm sure I'll watch a little while Beulah's napping, but I've downloaded a ton of children's Bible songs, classical music, and other children's music to play while she's awake. We may watch some game shows when Daddy gets home, but I want us to be more careful about what's on, especially now that Beulah's going to be picking up so much so fast.
I don't want to break up. I LOVE TV. Please pray for me to be strong. Pray that God will keep me company. Pray that I'll meditate on the things of God and spend my time filling Beulah's eyes and ears with things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8), rather than things of the world. I hope to keep up with the news via the internet. Pray that I won't plunge myself into a new addiction with the computer (which I have done in the past).
And, just for a laugh, this is Beulah's favorite commercial. Go figure! I'll have to let her watch it on the computer from time to time just to make her smile. :)
Showing posts with label parenthood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenthood. Show all posts
Monday, November 16, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Is This Your First?
When I was pregnant, this was one of the many questions strangers frequently asked. And, now that I have a baby, people still ask. I didn't think about the implications of the question at the time, but since becoming a mom, I've realized what a loaded question it is. A simple "yes" or "no" provides the interrogator with loads of information.
A "yes" tells them that...
*you can't fully understand what you've gotten yourself into, because you haven't been there yet.
*you're probably scared to death because you have no idea what you're doing.
*you will be walking around for the next several months like a zombie and your house will be a mess.
*you may not get a warm meal for several months.
*you will not shower as often or be as well groomed for a while.
*the dog's hair and breath will bother you more than ever before.
*the decor of your house is about to change, as is the amount of clutter.
*because of the clutter, you will likely start to dream of a bigger house and car.
*your cabinets and toilets will soon be locked down tighter than Fort Knox.
*what you play in your DVD player and on your iPod will change.
*you'll talk, sing and dance in ways that you never intend other adults to hear or see.
*needles (shots) will make you cry again like they did when you were a kid.
*your bills will increase and your priorities in making purchases will change.
*who you spend time with and what you spend time doing will change.
*your ability to "fly by the seat of your pants" will come to a screeching halt.
*you will turn into your parents.
*you will have to be intentional about maintaining relationships with friends that don't have kids.
*you will have to be intentional about maintaining a relationship with your spouse.
*your idol--SELF--will be exposed, as you're faced with the reality of your own selfishness.
*you will be humbled when you realize that you CAN'T do it better than EVERYbody else, and YES, that CAN happen to you.
*you will be on your knees for another person more than ever before.
*you will never care for, protect or defend anyone more in your life.
*your whole life is about to change...for the better.
(and most importantly...)
*you will have more joy and love in your heart than you ever thought possible.
A "no" tells them...you already know all that. Next time someone asks me, I think I'll say "no". Ha ha!
A "yes" tells them that...
*you can't fully understand what you've gotten yourself into, because you haven't been there yet.
*you're probably scared to death because you have no idea what you're doing.
*you will be walking around for the next several months like a zombie and your house will be a mess.
*you may not get a warm meal for several months.
*you will not shower as often or be as well groomed for a while.
*the dog's hair and breath will bother you more than ever before.
*the decor of your house is about to change, as is the amount of clutter.
*because of the clutter, you will likely start to dream of a bigger house and car.
*your cabinets and toilets will soon be locked down tighter than Fort Knox.
*what you play in your DVD player and on your iPod will change.
*you'll talk, sing and dance in ways that you never intend other adults to hear or see.
*needles (shots) will make you cry again like they did when you were a kid.
*your bills will increase and your priorities in making purchases will change.
*who you spend time with and what you spend time doing will change.
*your ability to "fly by the seat of your pants" will come to a screeching halt.
*you will turn into your parents.
*you will have to be intentional about maintaining relationships with friends that don't have kids.
*you will have to be intentional about maintaining a relationship with your spouse.
*your idol--SELF--will be exposed, as you're faced with the reality of your own selfishness.
*you will be humbled when you realize that you CAN'T do it better than EVERYbody else, and YES, that CAN happen to you.
*you will be on your knees for another person more than ever before.
*you will never care for, protect or defend anyone more in your life.
*your whole life is about to change...for the better.
(and most importantly...)
*you will have more joy and love in your heart than you ever thought possible.
A "no" tells them...you already know all that. Next time someone asks me, I think I'll say "no". Ha ha!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Spiritually Speaking
It's always been easy for me to have faith. Because of the profound way my life changed when I accepted the LORD, I've always believed God could do anything. Did I believe I could get pregnant after six years of infertility and one prayer? Sure! That's no problem for Him. But, lately I've found myself sounding a lot like David in Psalm 22, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent."
Day after day I watch my baby cry out in pain. Her little body has such painful gas that (so far) no prayer, chiropractor, doctor, or medicine has helped. Suddenly, my sweet smiling baby will scream out, and at times nothing and no one can comfort her. There are days when she's in so much pain that we can't get her to eat or sleep. On those days, all we can do to calm her is walk around the house carrying her for hours or take her outside. On my better days, I have so much compassion and love for her that I could walk forever just to comfort her. But after days of this or nights of her waking up every other hour, I get tired, my spirit (and body) gets weak, and I just get angry.
Since she was born, pretty much every thought in my head has been a prayer on her behalf. "God I know you love her more than I do, but as the one you've entrusted to care for this angel, I ask you to heal your child...help her to pass this gas...help her to poop...help her to sleep...give her peace...have mercy on this innocent child..." Sometimes He answers with haste, other times--silence. And, sometimes I will thank Him for something that IS going right, but immediately afterwards the opposite happens. Those days when I'm worn out and He's silent, that's when Andy comes home to a crying baby and a crying, angry wife. But, at the end of my rope, I still feel like Peter when Jesus asked His disciples if they wanted to leave after hearing a difficult teaching (John 6). Peter said, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God." There is nowhere else to turn; no one else who can help.
Because so many of my thoughts are prayers of desperation, I am fully ready to praise Him for any good, but fully ready to blame Him for any bad. I'm angry because I know He can wipe this away with a word, but He hasn't. I have never found myself in this place before. My thinking: it's fine if He doesn't answer prayers on my behalf. I can handle that. But, to refrain from answering prayers on behalf of an innocent child? Now, that's injustice! Immediately following those thoughts are prayers for forgiveness. I tell Him that I'm so sorry for thinking that way. I confess that I'm a lousy Christian and ask Him to renew my mind and give me peace through this trial. I speak back to Him His words from Isaiah 55:9, "Your ways are higher than my ways, and your thoughts are higher than my thoughts" (see also Job 38-42).
I wonder if my spirit would be so weak if I were getting enough sleep. When I'm physically exhausted, my spirit is broken. This is also hard because I'm an extrovert. But, it's easier to stay home alone because I never know when her gas is going to cause her to scream. I miss the social interaction that I used to thrive on. I don't invite people over because I get so anxious when she starts screaming, and it makes me uncomfortable to be around people. I haven't even been to the grocery store one time since she's been born because I don't want to have to leave a cart full of groceries in the middle of the store. Besides that, when her gas is really bad, if we try to feed her (breast or bottle), it looks like we're torturing her. She arches her back and screams and chokes. Who wants to do that out in public and invite looks or comments from those nearby? And, everybody wants to hold the baby, But she cries if she's not held in ways that makes her comfortable. So, my skin crawls when someone asks to hold her because I know what's going to happen. Then, when I take her and hold her in a way that I've learned makes her comfortable, she stops crying. Because of this, I've had a couple of people say that she's spoiled! And, I can't leave her in the church nursery like this. I can't expect every person in there to know "the hold" that comforts her, or to give all their attention to her when there's so many other kids to care for. So, pretty much every Sunday I go to church and end up sitting in the bathroom with her the whole time.
Now, I realize this all sounds pretty dramatic. I mean, on a scale of 0-10 (0 = a perfectly easy baby, 9 = a baby with a terminal illness, 10 = no baby) Beulah is a 1. I mean, it's only gas, right? She won't even remember this when she's older. How could some gas tear a family apart? That just sounds silly! But, I'm here to tell you--it can. I don't talk about it much because unless you've been there, you don't understand. It's like my cousin said after watching Beulah for an hour one day, "I thought you were exaggerating!" I think a lot of people think I'm exaggerating. But after spending a week with me and seeing what I go through on a daily basis, my mom has offered to come stay with me for a week every month until Beulah outgrows this.
The first time I took a car ride alone with Beulah, she was in her car seat in the back screaming her precious head off. It was the first time I didn't rush to her to meet her need. I couldn't. She started making the most pitiful, heartbroken sounds. It was killing me. I tried talking to her and telling her that everything was OK. I said, "I love you, baby. I know it doesn't look like it right now because I'm not rushing to meet your need, but I promise I love you! When we get there I'll hug you and love on you." In that moment I realized, I'm in the car seat and God is driving the car. He responded, "I love you, Michelle. I know it doesn't look like it right now because I'm not rushing to meet your need, but I promise I love you! When it's time, I'll answer your prayers." My mom got a similar message from God when she asked Him to heal Beulah. He said to her, "What if I don't want to? I have a reason for this. Just trust me."
I've tried to figure out the reason. For a while we thought it might be a spiritual attack. God got glory for Beulah's miraculous conception. What better way to steal His glory than to tear us apart after she's born? Or, maybe it's a test of faith. Will I still trust Him if my child is in pain (for more on this see Redemption Day, #2)? That could be the reason. But, last night I think He gave me my answer. God said, "You're going to spend her whole life angry at Me if you keep praying/expecting things to be perfect. This is a fallen world. She's going to experience pain and heartache. Get used to it and learn how to deal with it." Then, I realized that I've been praying all wrong. I mean, this could be so much worse than it is (see the scale from 0-10 above). Instead of asking Him to right every wrong, I need to be focusing on the bigger picture. Instead of getting angry, I need to make myself vulnerable, lay down at His feet, and trust that He has our family's best interest at heart (Jeremiah 29:11). I should be asking Him for the grace to handle what comes my way in a manner that brings glory to Him. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."
I'm thankful to have a new direction for my prayers and excited to see how God's going to grow us and use this for His glory. I've been embarrassed to talk about our struggles before now. Aren't new parents supposed to be nothing but happy? I had heard of colicky babies, but had never talked to anybody who had one. My pride wouldn't let me admit that Beulah was a difficult baby. No one wants to think their baby has a problem. And, it seemed like everyone else could handle their babies. What's wrong with me? I must not be as strong as them. But, as I've started to open up about it, I'm amazed at how many people have been through similar hardships with their infants. When I opened up to some friends about it, I told them that I felt silly being so defeated by this. One friend who had a difficult baby pulled me aside and said, "It's hard. It's OK to admit that it's hard. Just because it's not a terminal illness doesn't mean it's not hard." Thanks, Courtney. I needed that.
If you had a difficult baby, open up and reach out to new parents. Hopefully someone will be encouraged by your transparency.
Day after day I watch my baby cry out in pain. Her little body has such painful gas that (so far) no prayer, chiropractor, doctor, or medicine has helped. Suddenly, my sweet smiling baby will scream out, and at times nothing and no one can comfort her. There are days when she's in so much pain that we can't get her to eat or sleep. On those days, all we can do to calm her is walk around the house carrying her for hours or take her outside. On my better days, I have so much compassion and love for her that I could walk forever just to comfort her. But after days of this or nights of her waking up every other hour, I get tired, my spirit (and body) gets weak, and I just get angry.
Since she was born, pretty much every thought in my head has been a prayer on her behalf. "God I know you love her more than I do, but as the one you've entrusted to care for this angel, I ask you to heal your child...help her to pass this gas...help her to poop...help her to sleep...give her peace...have mercy on this innocent child..." Sometimes He answers with haste, other times--silence. And, sometimes I will thank Him for something that IS going right, but immediately afterwards the opposite happens. Those days when I'm worn out and He's silent, that's when Andy comes home to a crying baby and a crying, angry wife. But, at the end of my rope, I still feel like Peter when Jesus asked His disciples if they wanted to leave after hearing a difficult teaching (John 6). Peter said, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God." There is nowhere else to turn; no one else who can help.
Because so many of my thoughts are prayers of desperation, I am fully ready to praise Him for any good, but fully ready to blame Him for any bad. I'm angry because I know He can wipe this away with a word, but He hasn't. I have never found myself in this place before. My thinking: it's fine if He doesn't answer prayers on my behalf. I can handle that. But, to refrain from answering prayers on behalf of an innocent child? Now, that's injustice! Immediately following those thoughts are prayers for forgiveness. I tell Him that I'm so sorry for thinking that way. I confess that I'm a lousy Christian and ask Him to renew my mind and give me peace through this trial. I speak back to Him His words from Isaiah 55:9, "Your ways are higher than my ways, and your thoughts are higher than my thoughts" (see also Job 38-42).
I wonder if my spirit would be so weak if I were getting enough sleep. When I'm physically exhausted, my spirit is broken. This is also hard because I'm an extrovert. But, it's easier to stay home alone because I never know when her gas is going to cause her to scream. I miss the social interaction that I used to thrive on. I don't invite people over because I get so anxious when she starts screaming, and it makes me uncomfortable to be around people. I haven't even been to the grocery store one time since she's been born because I don't want to have to leave a cart full of groceries in the middle of the store. Besides that, when her gas is really bad, if we try to feed her (breast or bottle), it looks like we're torturing her. She arches her back and screams and chokes. Who wants to do that out in public and invite looks or comments from those nearby? And, everybody wants to hold the baby, But she cries if she's not held in ways that makes her comfortable. So, my skin crawls when someone asks to hold her because I know what's going to happen. Then, when I take her and hold her in a way that I've learned makes her comfortable, she stops crying. Because of this, I've had a couple of people say that she's spoiled! And, I can't leave her in the church nursery like this. I can't expect every person in there to know "the hold" that comforts her, or to give all their attention to her when there's so many other kids to care for. So, pretty much every Sunday I go to church and end up sitting in the bathroom with her the whole time.
Now, I realize this all sounds pretty dramatic. I mean, on a scale of 0-10 (0 = a perfectly easy baby, 9 = a baby with a terminal illness, 10 = no baby) Beulah is a 1. I mean, it's only gas, right? She won't even remember this when she's older. How could some gas tear a family apart? That just sounds silly! But, I'm here to tell you--it can. I don't talk about it much because unless you've been there, you don't understand. It's like my cousin said after watching Beulah for an hour one day, "I thought you were exaggerating!" I think a lot of people think I'm exaggerating. But after spending a week with me and seeing what I go through on a daily basis, my mom has offered to come stay with me for a week every month until Beulah outgrows this.
The first time I took a car ride alone with Beulah, she was in her car seat in the back screaming her precious head off. It was the first time I didn't rush to her to meet her need. I couldn't. She started making the most pitiful, heartbroken sounds. It was killing me. I tried talking to her and telling her that everything was OK. I said, "I love you, baby. I know it doesn't look like it right now because I'm not rushing to meet your need, but I promise I love you! When we get there I'll hug you and love on you." In that moment I realized, I'm in the car seat and God is driving the car. He responded, "I love you, Michelle. I know it doesn't look like it right now because I'm not rushing to meet your need, but I promise I love you! When it's time, I'll answer your prayers." My mom got a similar message from God when she asked Him to heal Beulah. He said to her, "What if I don't want to? I have a reason for this. Just trust me."
I've tried to figure out the reason. For a while we thought it might be a spiritual attack. God got glory for Beulah's miraculous conception. What better way to steal His glory than to tear us apart after she's born? Or, maybe it's a test of faith. Will I still trust Him if my child is in pain (for more on this see Redemption Day, #2)? That could be the reason. But, last night I think He gave me my answer. God said, "You're going to spend her whole life angry at Me if you keep praying/expecting things to be perfect. This is a fallen world. She's going to experience pain and heartache. Get used to it and learn how to deal with it." Then, I realized that I've been praying all wrong. I mean, this could be so much worse than it is (see the scale from 0-10 above). Instead of asking Him to right every wrong, I need to be focusing on the bigger picture. Instead of getting angry, I need to make myself vulnerable, lay down at His feet, and trust that He has our family's best interest at heart (Jeremiah 29:11). I should be asking Him for the grace to handle what comes my way in a manner that brings glory to Him. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."
I'm thankful to have a new direction for my prayers and excited to see how God's going to grow us and use this for His glory. I've been embarrassed to talk about our struggles before now. Aren't new parents supposed to be nothing but happy? I had heard of colicky babies, but had never talked to anybody who had one. My pride wouldn't let me admit that Beulah was a difficult baby. No one wants to think their baby has a problem. And, it seemed like everyone else could handle their babies. What's wrong with me? I must not be as strong as them. But, as I've started to open up about it, I'm amazed at how many people have been through similar hardships with their infants. When I opened up to some friends about it, I told them that I felt silly being so defeated by this. One friend who had a difficult baby pulled me aside and said, "It's hard. It's OK to admit that it's hard. Just because it's not a terminal illness doesn't mean it's not hard." Thanks, Courtney. I needed that.
If you had a difficult baby, open up and reach out to new parents. Hopefully someone will be encouraged by your transparency.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Mama's first 10 weeks--Uncut!
I've worked on this post every week since Beulah was 3 weeks old. The title has changed five or six times (7 weeks...8 weeks...9 weeks...and now 10 weeks). We'll see if I get it done this time! I can't believe my beautiful, little girl is already almost 3 months old! She'll be crawling and into things before I know it! I'm savoring every second.
As someone who waited almost 7 years for a baby, I feel like I should only have wonderful things to say about being a mom. But, anybody who's done it knows that's not reality. And, if you've read my blogs in the past, you know that I'm not one to hide the truth about what I'm feeling, even if it makes me look bad. So, here goes!
The past 10 weeks can be accurately described by the lyrics of an old song that ran through my head daily the first couple of weeks. "Joy, joy, and pain--it's like sunshine, and rain." The joy and love can not be expressed. But, with the joy comes challenges. As my sweet friend Anna said, "No one can prepare you for those first few weeks." So true, my friend, so true. Recovering from major surgery, post-pregnancy hormones, learning to care for a new baby, and breastfeeding would all be major events if they happened all by themselves. But, when they happen all at once (as all of you moms can attest), it takes everything you've got...and everyone else around you too. :) My new motto, reflecting on the past 10 weeks, is--every day is different. You'll see how I've come to that conclusion as you read further.
The C-section
SUNSHINE--I had come to a place of peace before it happened. Praise the LORD, and thank you all for your prayers. I was OK because I knew that when I went in the O.R. that I would come out with my daughter! The procedure was quick, and Andy was even able to take some great pictures of the birth.
RAIN--Well, obviously with major abdominal surgery there is physical pain. Beyond the physical, it was incredibly surreal to hear the doctor (who's face I never even saw in the O.R.) say from behind the curtain, "OK, we've started!" only 5 minutes after they administered the spinal that instantly numbed my lower half. What?! Then, she said, "We're about to have a baby!" Next thing you know, out from behind the curtain comes this baby who I didn't see or feel come out of my body. I'm thinking, how can I be sure she's mine? Then they whisk her away for suctioning and tests.
SUNSHINE--Andy was amazing! The minute they brought her out, he was by her side, touching her, talking to her, bonding with her. It was really beautiful.
RAIN--I lay there on the table, alone, with tears in my eyes. I'm not sure whether they were tears of joy or sadness that I couldn't touch her or if I was just overwhelmed. Meanwhile, I'm wondering--what's this pressure I feel in my chest? I'm dizzy. Am I about to pass out?
SUNSHINE--Her APGAR scores climbed from 7 to 8 to 9. She's healthy and crying loudly!
RAIN--My body began to shake uncontrollably, a side effect of the medications. I had heard there would be shaking, but I had no idea it would be so violent. The nurses asked me if I wanted to hold my baby, but I was shaking so badly, I couldn't hold her yet.
SUNSHINE--I was out of bed without tubes within 5 hours. The nurse joked that they should have done it as an outpatient surgery! After I got home, I healed quickly with minimal pain.
Postpartum Hormones
RAIN--After giving birth, you already feel out of control. You're trying to get to know and care for this helpless little person who can't talk, yet she depends fully on you. Sometimes you can't figure out what she needs, and you can't MAKE her do anything (eat, sleep, poop, etc.). The normal fears and anxiety that come with taking care of a new baby are heightened by postpartum hormones. For me (and many other women I've talked to), it manifested in obsessive worry and anxiety. I'm a rule follower, so when somebody tells me I should do something, especially if I perceive the source to be smarter than me (like doctors), I do it. I'm also a slave to the clock. So, as an obsessive new mom I found myself charting the exact times and amounts of feedings and BMs. It was my way of controlling what was, in reality, out of my control. By the time our moms got here, I was a wreck!
SUNSHINE--Moms. They are the best! They were such an incredible help. But, by the time Andy's mom got here for week 3, I was already crying thinking about her leaving the next week! Needless to say, she was worried about me. :) After she saw the routine we had been keeping and saw how I was responding to things, she said, "you have GOT to relax! Put away your charts and trust your instincts." It was SO freeing! Yet, admittedly, I found other ways to obsess and control the situation. Andy's sister, Heather (or med school mommy, as you may know her), gave me the best, most simple advice, "enjoy your baby." Oh yeah, that IS what I'm supposed to be doing!
RAIN--At times, I've felt like I was totally out of control of my emotions. I've been hypersensitive when it comes to issues with Beulah. I don't believe I've been depressed, but I have had MANY moments of hopelessness and a serious lack of faith. The onslaught of hormones has magnified parts of my personality to an unmanageable degree. Poor Andy. Y'all pray for him. He's such a good and patient man. :)
SUNSHINE--Sometimes the hypersensitivity is ridiculous--funny even (although it's rarely funny). The best thing you can do is acknowledge it to those witnessing, warn them not to laugh, and continue carrying on. You can all laugh about how off your rocker you are later...much later.
Feeding
SUNSHINE--At our first attempt to breastfeed, Beulah was interested!
RAIN--But, because of latching difficulties she couldn't get more than a couple of sips the whole day.
SUNSHINE--At 11 PM (she was born at 9:48 AM) she latched on and didn't let go for an hour and a half! She seemed to be a very vigorous nurser!
RAIN--By our last day in the hospital, her weight had dropped by 10% and they were talking about supplementing.
SUNSHINE--At our pediatrician's visit the next morning, he told me to go home and pump until my milk came in. After our appointment, I fed her in the parking lot where my milk came in! At our follow-up appointment three days later, she had gained 5 oz!!
RAIN--Sparing you the details, engorgement over the next day or two caused me to have traumatized nipples. Men, you don't want to know. Don't bother clicking the link unless your wife is expecting. :)
SUNSHINE--Through nursing, engorgement was relieved and latching became much more manageable. Once we established a successful latch, I could begin the healing process.
RAIN--My original assessment that she was a vigorous nurser turned out to be wrong. Beulah was a sleepy baby. Nursing was taking up to an hour and a half per feeding. For those of you who don't know, newborns should be fed every 2.5 to 3 hrs. from the start of one feeding to the start of the next. So, yes, your calculations are correct, there was only 1 to 1.5 hrs. between feedings, night and day, and there was nothing Andy could do to help. Keeping her awake meant I couldn't sleep while I nursed. So, I would sit upright in a chair, turn on lights and play music. It's amazing how much encouragement you can get from children's Bible songs when your exhausted and overwhelmed. (I highly recommend Steve Green for your child's collection!) Despite the insane amount of time spent nursing, after a couple of days, I started to notice that she didn't seem to be getting enough and her cheeks weren't filling out. So, we made an appointment with a lactation consultant we met in the hospital.
SUNSHINE--The lactation consultant was very encouraging. She confirmed that my mommy instincts were right. Yes, Beulah had gained 5 oz in 3 days after my milk came in, but the three following days she had only gained 1 oz. She wasn't getting enough. So, we had to figure out whether it was because of my milk supply or because of Beulah's nursing ability. So, she observed me nursing and weighed Beulah to see how much she was getting. She had only taken 24 mls in 30 minutes. 30 mls is an ounce. She should have been able to get 2-3 oz in 10-45 mins. The nurse said, "Breastfeeding is supposed to be hard, but not THIS hard." Thank you. I needed to hear that! After nursing for a while, she had me pump to see if I had any milk left, and I had plenty. So, it wasn't a problem with my milk supply. That was encouraging. But, what about my baby?
RAIN--We were put on a schedule of pumping and supplementing with formula. I know the postpartum hormones have something to do with it, but I couldn't watch her feed from a bottle without crying. It was especially hard to see my tiny baby gag on the nipple and faster flow of the milk.
SUNSHINE--This meant that feedings were not all up to me! Now daddy, Ninnie & Nana (who came to help) can bond with Beulah during feedings too.
RAIN--But, now supplies are an issue. We have to make sure bottles and pumping accessories are clean and in place at all times. We've got to try different bottles and nipples and make sure we had enough that we weren't up washing all night long. We also had a lot to learn about breastmilk and formula storage and warming. Quick. I was overwhelmed and mentally shut down that night. I was so exhausted, I couldn't process how all this was going to work. I cried...a lot.
SUNSHINE--That night, to help me catch up on some sleep and because it was too hard (emotionally) for me to feed her from a bottle, Andy and my mom (Ninnie) took the night feedings. I was only responsible for getting up at midnight and 5 AM to pump. Man, that helped!
RAIN--When you're tied to a machine (the pump), it's difficult (to say the least) to care for your baby if she needs you, and I was pumping seven times a day for 20 mins each.
SUNSHINE--After another visit to lactation, I continued to breastfeed as much as possible and supplement where necessary. We rented a scale from the hospital so that I could see how much Beulah was getting each time I breastfed. That helped me to know how much we needed to supplement. Finally! She was getting enough and she started chunking up! (However, the scale allowed me to obsess about the numbers again, and I kept it until last week!)
RAIN--She started fighting the bottle; arching her back, choking, spitting, crying. She also had terrible gas. So, we switched her to a gentler formula, but nothing changed. We took her to the pediatrician who told us to try soy. That didn't help either. So, we took her back to the pediatrician who diagnosed her with reflux and put her on a rice cereal supplement as well as baby Zantac. We also went to see a pediatric GI specialist, who confirmed the diagnosis. After adding the rice cereal, her BMs became very difficult, and only seemed to make things worse. So, we stopped giving it to her. And even on the Zantac, the gas and bottle feeding seemed to get worse. I started thinking, maybe it wasn't reflux at all. So, we've also taken her off of that. I wanted to take her off of formula as well and strictly breastfeed, but since Beulah hadn't been pulling the milk she needed from me, my milk supply had decreased.
SUNSHINE--A dear friend finally said to me (last week), "maybe Beulah's body isn't ready for full feedings. Maybe she needs smaller amounts more frequently." So, I have tried that over the past week, and my milk supply seems to have increased and she seems to be getting enough! She's off of formula altogether! Thanks, Les (and God, of course)!
RAIN--Her gas is still horrendous, even though I've altered my diet trying to figure out the problem. She will be smiling and all the sudden, her face turns down, she gets red, stiffens her body and screams. If she passes it, she goes back to smiling. If she doesn't, she continues to scream until she does. And we'll think--OK, that was it. She's gonna feel better now. But, it never ends. It wakes her up, so her naps are very short and sporadic. Sometimes she won't eat either. And, Mylicon doesn't even touch it. Unfortunately, I have not handled seeing my baby in pain very well. I cry when she cries. I try to tell myself...at least it's not terminal or even all that serious. There are so many people who deal with SO much more than this. I also try to remind myself that God doesn't promise us a pain-free, perfect life. But, the self talk doesn't seem to help or change how I feel when she screams out in pain.
SUNSHINE--We've been taking her to the chiropractor, which seems to be helping her to have more regular BMs, but is not yet helping with the gas. We have hope in the potential for this to help.
NOTE--I have such respect for any breastfeeding woman. After witnessing my struggles, Andy has said that breastfeeding is not for the faint at heart. I also have the utmost respect for mothers of preemies or children with special needs. It's hard enough to feed a healthy, full term baby. I can't imagine what you, my friends, have been though. May God bless you and your little ones.
Going Out
Getting out of the house with a newborn takes practice. It's especially challenging when feedings take an hour an a half! You've got to time it just right. Get everything you'll need, ready and in place, feed the baby, then get in the car as quickly as possible. You DON'T want to get stuck having to breastfeed for an hour and a half anywhere but at home, especially in a car in a parking lot somewhere! People kept asking me, "Have you gotten out yet?" Um...no. Why? Should I? Ha ha! I finally gave myself permission to take it slow. It was just easier to be at home, especially when it looks like we're hurting her when we're only trying to feed her! The spitting, choking and screaming would have invited plenty of looks and comments from strangers. Who wants that? We're doing the best we can here! It's definitely gotten easier. We're out at least once a day, and have been able to start going for walks in the neighborhood every morning. Ahhh, fresh air and sunshine! It's so good for mama, baby and doggie. :)
Getting Things Done
Simply put, I haven't. If I have a chance to nap while she's napping, I'm taking it! I'm lucky to get a shower...every other day. I've done laundry a couple of times. Cleaning the house? You've got to be kidding me! Doing the dishes is the one thing I do on a daily basis...almost. I've only cooked a handful of times. Thank God for a husband who doesn't mind cleaning and loves to cook, because we'd all starve if it weren't for him. I'm lucky to get breakfast and lunch when he's not here! And I've only got ONE baby! I've thought about women who have more than one child or those who have to do this by themselves about a million times. My heart goes out to them.
Overall, I have thoroughly enjoyed my baby girl. She is such a precious gift, and has inspired so many smiles and so much laughter in our home. The reason I want to share the challenges is because I am SO thankful to every woman who was real with me and tried to prepare me for how difficult it would be. I was so grateful when Heather said, "After the first couple of weeks, it only gets easier." And, it's true! It takes time to get to know somebody, especially somebody who can't talk. But, as time goes by, you feel more confident in your relationship and your ability to predict her wants and needs. And, remember, every day is different. Just because something went right today, doesn't mean it will tomorrow. But, that also works the opposite way. Just because something went wrong today doesn't mean it will tomorrow.
OK, now brace yourself for a cheesy metaphor. It takes sunshine AND rain to make the flowers grow.
As someone who waited almost 7 years for a baby, I feel like I should only have wonderful things to say about being a mom. But, anybody who's done it knows that's not reality. And, if you've read my blogs in the past, you know that I'm not one to hide the truth about what I'm feeling, even if it makes me look bad. So, here goes!
The past 10 weeks can be accurately described by the lyrics of an old song that ran through my head daily the first couple of weeks. "Joy, joy, and pain--it's like sunshine, and rain." The joy and love can not be expressed. But, with the joy comes challenges. As my sweet friend Anna said, "No one can prepare you for those first few weeks." So true, my friend, so true. Recovering from major surgery, post-pregnancy hormones, learning to care for a new baby, and breastfeeding would all be major events if they happened all by themselves. But, when they happen all at once (as all of you moms can attest), it takes everything you've got...and everyone else around you too. :) My new motto, reflecting on the past 10 weeks, is--every day is different. You'll see how I've come to that conclusion as you read further.
The C-section
SUNSHINE--I had come to a place of peace before it happened. Praise the LORD, and thank you all for your prayers. I was OK because I knew that when I went in the O.R. that I would come out with my daughter! The procedure was quick, and Andy was even able to take some great pictures of the birth.
RAIN--Well, obviously with major abdominal surgery there is physical pain. Beyond the physical, it was incredibly surreal to hear the doctor (who's face I never even saw in the O.R.) say from behind the curtain, "OK, we've started!" only 5 minutes after they administered the spinal that instantly numbed my lower half. What?! Then, she said, "We're about to have a baby!" Next thing you know, out from behind the curtain comes this baby who I didn't see or feel come out of my body. I'm thinking, how can I be sure she's mine? Then they whisk her away for suctioning and tests.
SUNSHINE--Andy was amazing! The minute they brought her out, he was by her side, touching her, talking to her, bonding with her. It was really beautiful.
RAIN--I lay there on the table, alone, with tears in my eyes. I'm not sure whether they were tears of joy or sadness that I couldn't touch her or if I was just overwhelmed. Meanwhile, I'm wondering--what's this pressure I feel in my chest? I'm dizzy. Am I about to pass out?
SUNSHINE--Her APGAR scores climbed from 7 to 8 to 9. She's healthy and crying loudly!
RAIN--My body began to shake uncontrollably, a side effect of the medications. I had heard there would be shaking, but I had no idea it would be so violent. The nurses asked me if I wanted to hold my baby, but I was shaking so badly, I couldn't hold her yet.
SUNSHINE--I was out of bed without tubes within 5 hours. The nurse joked that they should have done it as an outpatient surgery! After I got home, I healed quickly with minimal pain.
Postpartum Hormones
RAIN--After giving birth, you already feel out of control. You're trying to get to know and care for this helpless little person who can't talk, yet she depends fully on you. Sometimes you can't figure out what she needs, and you can't MAKE her do anything (eat, sleep, poop, etc.). The normal fears and anxiety that come with taking care of a new baby are heightened by postpartum hormones. For me (and many other women I've talked to), it manifested in obsessive worry and anxiety. I'm a rule follower, so when somebody tells me I should do something, especially if I perceive the source to be smarter than me (like doctors), I do it. I'm also a slave to the clock. So, as an obsessive new mom I found myself charting the exact times and amounts of feedings and BMs. It was my way of controlling what was, in reality, out of my control. By the time our moms got here, I was a wreck!
SUNSHINE--Moms. They are the best! They were such an incredible help. But, by the time Andy's mom got here for week 3, I was already crying thinking about her leaving the next week! Needless to say, she was worried about me. :) After she saw the routine we had been keeping and saw how I was responding to things, she said, "you have GOT to relax! Put away your charts and trust your instincts." It was SO freeing! Yet, admittedly, I found other ways to obsess and control the situation. Andy's sister, Heather (or med school mommy, as you may know her), gave me the best, most simple advice, "enjoy your baby." Oh yeah, that IS what I'm supposed to be doing!
RAIN--At times, I've felt like I was totally out of control of my emotions. I've been hypersensitive when it comes to issues with Beulah. I don't believe I've been depressed, but I have had MANY moments of hopelessness and a serious lack of faith. The onslaught of hormones has magnified parts of my personality to an unmanageable degree. Poor Andy. Y'all pray for him. He's such a good and patient man. :)
SUNSHINE--Sometimes the hypersensitivity is ridiculous--funny even (although it's rarely funny). The best thing you can do is acknowledge it to those witnessing, warn them not to laugh, and continue carrying on. You can all laugh about how off your rocker you are later...much later.
Feeding
SUNSHINE--At our first attempt to breastfeed, Beulah was interested!
RAIN--But, because of latching difficulties she couldn't get more than a couple of sips the whole day.
SUNSHINE--At 11 PM (she was born at 9:48 AM) she latched on and didn't let go for an hour and a half! She seemed to be a very vigorous nurser!
RAIN--By our last day in the hospital, her weight had dropped by 10% and they were talking about supplementing.
SUNSHINE--At our pediatrician's visit the next morning, he told me to go home and pump until my milk came in. After our appointment, I fed her in the parking lot where my milk came in! At our follow-up appointment three days later, she had gained 5 oz!!
RAIN--Sparing you the details, engorgement over the next day or two caused me to have traumatized nipples. Men, you don't want to know. Don't bother clicking the link unless your wife is expecting. :)
SUNSHINE--Through nursing, engorgement was relieved and latching became much more manageable. Once we established a successful latch, I could begin the healing process.
RAIN--My original assessment that she was a vigorous nurser turned out to be wrong. Beulah was a sleepy baby. Nursing was taking up to an hour and a half per feeding. For those of you who don't know, newborns should be fed every 2.5 to 3 hrs. from the start of one feeding to the start of the next. So, yes, your calculations are correct, there was only 1 to 1.5 hrs. between feedings, night and day, and there was nothing Andy could do to help. Keeping her awake meant I couldn't sleep while I nursed. So, I would sit upright in a chair, turn on lights and play music. It's amazing how much encouragement you can get from children's Bible songs when your exhausted and overwhelmed. (I highly recommend Steve Green for your child's collection!) Despite the insane amount of time spent nursing, after a couple of days, I started to notice that she didn't seem to be getting enough and her cheeks weren't filling out. So, we made an appointment with a lactation consultant we met in the hospital.
SUNSHINE--The lactation consultant was very encouraging. She confirmed that my mommy instincts were right. Yes, Beulah had gained 5 oz in 3 days after my milk came in, but the three following days she had only gained 1 oz. She wasn't getting enough. So, we had to figure out whether it was because of my milk supply or because of Beulah's nursing ability. So, she observed me nursing and weighed Beulah to see how much she was getting. She had only taken 24 mls in 30 minutes. 30 mls is an ounce. She should have been able to get 2-3 oz in 10-45 mins. The nurse said, "Breastfeeding is supposed to be hard, but not THIS hard." Thank you. I needed to hear that! After nursing for a while, she had me pump to see if I had any milk left, and I had plenty. So, it wasn't a problem with my milk supply. That was encouraging. But, what about my baby?
RAIN--We were put on a schedule of pumping and supplementing with formula. I know the postpartum hormones have something to do with it, but I couldn't watch her feed from a bottle without crying. It was especially hard to see my tiny baby gag on the nipple and faster flow of the milk.
SUNSHINE--This meant that feedings were not all up to me! Now daddy, Ninnie & Nana (who came to help) can bond with Beulah during feedings too.
RAIN--But, now supplies are an issue. We have to make sure bottles and pumping accessories are clean and in place at all times. We've got to try different bottles and nipples and make sure we had enough that we weren't up washing all night long. We also had a lot to learn about breastmilk and formula storage and warming. Quick. I was overwhelmed and mentally shut down that night. I was so exhausted, I couldn't process how all this was going to work. I cried...a lot.
SUNSHINE--That night, to help me catch up on some sleep and because it was too hard (emotionally) for me to feed her from a bottle, Andy and my mom (Ninnie) took the night feedings. I was only responsible for getting up at midnight and 5 AM to pump. Man, that helped!
RAIN--When you're tied to a machine (the pump), it's difficult (to say the least) to care for your baby if she needs you, and I was pumping seven times a day for 20 mins each.
SUNSHINE--After another visit to lactation, I continued to breastfeed as much as possible and supplement where necessary. We rented a scale from the hospital so that I could see how much Beulah was getting each time I breastfed. That helped me to know how much we needed to supplement. Finally! She was getting enough and she started chunking up! (However, the scale allowed me to obsess about the numbers again, and I kept it until last week!)
RAIN--She started fighting the bottle; arching her back, choking, spitting, crying. She also had terrible gas. So, we switched her to a gentler formula, but nothing changed. We took her to the pediatrician who told us to try soy. That didn't help either. So, we took her back to the pediatrician who diagnosed her with reflux and put her on a rice cereal supplement as well as baby Zantac. We also went to see a pediatric GI specialist, who confirmed the diagnosis. After adding the rice cereal, her BMs became very difficult, and only seemed to make things worse. So, we stopped giving it to her. And even on the Zantac, the gas and bottle feeding seemed to get worse. I started thinking, maybe it wasn't reflux at all. So, we've also taken her off of that. I wanted to take her off of formula as well and strictly breastfeed, but since Beulah hadn't been pulling the milk she needed from me, my milk supply had decreased.
SUNSHINE--A dear friend finally said to me (last week), "maybe Beulah's body isn't ready for full feedings. Maybe she needs smaller amounts more frequently." So, I have tried that over the past week, and my milk supply seems to have increased and she seems to be getting enough! She's off of formula altogether! Thanks, Les (and God, of course)!
RAIN--Her gas is still horrendous, even though I've altered my diet trying to figure out the problem. She will be smiling and all the sudden, her face turns down, she gets red, stiffens her body and screams. If she passes it, she goes back to smiling. If she doesn't, she continues to scream until she does. And we'll think--OK, that was it. She's gonna feel better now. But, it never ends. It wakes her up, so her naps are very short and sporadic. Sometimes she won't eat either. And, Mylicon doesn't even touch it. Unfortunately, I have not handled seeing my baby in pain very well. I cry when she cries. I try to tell myself...at least it's not terminal or even all that serious. There are so many people who deal with SO much more than this. I also try to remind myself that God doesn't promise us a pain-free, perfect life. But, the self talk doesn't seem to help or change how I feel when she screams out in pain.
SUNSHINE--We've been taking her to the chiropractor, which seems to be helping her to have more regular BMs, but is not yet helping with the gas. We have hope in the potential for this to help.
NOTE--I have such respect for any breastfeeding woman. After witnessing my struggles, Andy has said that breastfeeding is not for the faint at heart. I also have the utmost respect for mothers of preemies or children with special needs. It's hard enough to feed a healthy, full term baby. I can't imagine what you, my friends, have been though. May God bless you and your little ones.
Going Out
Getting out of the house with a newborn takes practice. It's especially challenging when feedings take an hour an a half! You've got to time it just right. Get everything you'll need, ready and in place, feed the baby, then get in the car as quickly as possible. You DON'T want to get stuck having to breastfeed for an hour and a half anywhere but at home, especially in a car in a parking lot somewhere! People kept asking me, "Have you gotten out yet?" Um...no. Why? Should I? Ha ha! I finally gave myself permission to take it slow. It was just easier to be at home, especially when it looks like we're hurting her when we're only trying to feed her! The spitting, choking and screaming would have invited plenty of looks and comments from strangers. Who wants that? We're doing the best we can here! It's definitely gotten easier. We're out at least once a day, and have been able to start going for walks in the neighborhood every morning. Ahhh, fresh air and sunshine! It's so good for mama, baby and doggie. :)
Getting Things Done
Simply put, I haven't. If I have a chance to nap while she's napping, I'm taking it! I'm lucky to get a shower...every other day. I've done laundry a couple of times. Cleaning the house? You've got to be kidding me! Doing the dishes is the one thing I do on a daily basis...almost. I've only cooked a handful of times. Thank God for a husband who doesn't mind cleaning and loves to cook, because we'd all starve if it weren't for him. I'm lucky to get breakfast and lunch when he's not here! And I've only got ONE baby! I've thought about women who have more than one child or those who have to do this by themselves about a million times. My heart goes out to them.
Overall, I have thoroughly enjoyed my baby girl. She is such a precious gift, and has inspired so many smiles and so much laughter in our home. The reason I want to share the challenges is because I am SO thankful to every woman who was real with me and tried to prepare me for how difficult it would be. I was so grateful when Heather said, "After the first couple of weeks, it only gets easier." And, it's true! It takes time to get to know somebody, especially somebody who can't talk. But, as time goes by, you feel more confident in your relationship and your ability to predict her wants and needs. And, remember, every day is different. Just because something went right today, doesn't mean it will tomorrow. But, that also works the opposite way. Just because something went wrong today doesn't mean it will tomorrow.
OK, now brace yourself for a cheesy metaphor. It takes sunshine AND rain to make the flowers grow.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Sweet Angel
HELLO! I am finally poking my head out of my shell to share some pictures of my sweet angel, straight from Heaven! Thank you all for your calls, texts, e-mails, cards, food, gifts, etc. I'm sorry I have not responded before now. It is certainly no reflection of how we feel about you all. We are so grateful for you and are eager to share with you this miracle that you've prayed with us for.
Whenever I see a newborn, I think, "How did that baby fit in that belly?" I thought the same thing when I saw Beulah. Then, she curled up in this position and I could see. This is one of my favorite pictures because this is how she was in my belly.
Beulah is the most beautiful and amazing baby. We have spent the past four weeks getting to know each other and learning how to care for each other. I'll post the details about all that later. For now, I just want to share my girl with you! She is such a good baby! Praise the LORD! She only cries when she needs something, and a couple of her cries are the cutest I've ever heard. I wish I could accurately describe them with words. I want to get a video tape of them, but when it's happening I'm not really thinking about finding the video camera. :) She hates getting her diaper changed, so when she gets upset we give her a paci. Her cry then turns to this precious little chug and grunt, almost like she's trying really hard NOT to cry. It's SO cute! The other cute cry is when she's had a little food but wants you to know she's not quite finished yet. She roars like a baby tigress. Precious!
Beulah loves sleeping on her daddy's chest. She loves playing bicycle with her mama. We have really enjoyed this special time with her. Of course, there have been challenges (mostly with feeding), but we're figuring it out...with a lot of prayer and patience. Beulah tends to eat more than the average baby. After dropping down to 6 lbs. the first week, she's now up to 8 lbs.! She's growing a double chin that we're very proud of. She has a crazy strong neck and has been lifting her head since day one. We have to be careful that she doesn't sling her floppy body out of our arms when she throws her heavy head around! And as beautiful as she is, she's also a very gassy baby. She burps and toots like a man!
We thank God for the help of our moms. My mom (Ninnie) came the 2nd week. Andy's mom (Nana) came the 3rd week, then Ninnie came back again for the 4th week. Their help and encouragement has been invaluable in this transition. There's something about grandmothers...they can just hold the baby and she falls asleep immediately. They have the touch!
Here's our girl! Welcome to the world, baby girl!
Whenever I see a newborn, I think, "How did that baby fit in that belly?" I thought the same thing when I saw Beulah. Then, she curled up in this position and I could see. This is one of my favorite pictures because this is how she was in my belly.
Beulah is the most beautiful and amazing baby. We have spent the past four weeks getting to know each other and learning how to care for each other. I'll post the details about all that later. For now, I just want to share my girl with you! She is such a good baby! Praise the LORD! She only cries when she needs something, and a couple of her cries are the cutest I've ever heard. I wish I could accurately describe them with words. I want to get a video tape of them, but when it's happening I'm not really thinking about finding the video camera. :) She hates getting her diaper changed, so when she gets upset we give her a paci. Her cry then turns to this precious little chug and grunt, almost like she's trying really hard NOT to cry. It's SO cute! The other cute cry is when she's had a little food but wants you to know she's not quite finished yet. She roars like a baby tigress. Precious!
Beulah loves sleeping on her daddy's chest. She loves playing bicycle with her mama. We have really enjoyed this special time with her. Of course, there have been challenges (mostly with feeding), but we're figuring it out...with a lot of prayer and patience. Beulah tends to eat more than the average baby. After dropping down to 6 lbs. the first week, she's now up to 8 lbs.! She's growing a double chin that we're very proud of. She has a crazy strong neck and has been lifting her head since day one. We have to be careful that she doesn't sling her floppy body out of our arms when she throws her heavy head around! And as beautiful as she is, she's also a very gassy baby. She burps and toots like a man!
We thank God for the help of our moms. My mom (Ninnie) came the 2nd week. Andy's mom (Nana) came the 3rd week, then Ninnie came back again for the 4th week. Their help and encouragement has been invaluable in this transition. There's something about grandmothers...they can just hold the baby and she falls asleep immediately. They have the touch!
Here's our girl! Welcome to the world, baby girl!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Update from Dad
Hey everybody--Andy here.
I wanted to take a minute and provide you all with a brief update. I know we've gone AWOL on the blog since Beulah was born; we've just been spending all our time enjoying our little girl!
I'm going to post a few more pics from the hospital (although I don't think I know how to do the cool slide show thing like Michelle does!). Speaking of Michelle, I know she really wants to post some of her thoughts very soon, but she has been pretty tied up with feedings. Right now, she's enjoying some much needed rest.
I've been telling everyone I talk to that nursing is not for the faint of heart! We've been working through some challenges with breastfeeding, and I have to say that my wife is absolutely incredible. I'm so proud of her--she's been working so hard to feed Beulah. We visited a lactation nurse today, and the whole experience was incredibly helpful. We're thinking things should get a little easier soon. I'll let Michelle fill you in on all the details. (Oh, I'm going to respectfully ask that you don't send Michelle breastfeeding advice as a result of my post. I don't mean to be rude, and I know that it would all be well-meaning, but it would probably be easier if you entrust us to the pros right now. Thanks for understanding!)
I also wanted to say thanks to everyone who has called, emailed, visited, or brought food. We appreciate everyone's love and support more than you will ever know. I apologize that we've been unable to return all the phone calls and emails just yet. Please know that we are not ignoring you, and we hope to get in touch with everyone soon.
Here are some snippets of fun information that you might not know about how Beulah's birth went down:
1. Beulah was taken by c-section because she was breech. She was folded up inside Michelle with her feet up by her head. When she came out, her little legs just stuck straight up in the air! The nurses had a hard time straightening her out to measure her length!
2. She was a little blue when she came out too, and it took a minute or so for her to really start breathing well. The nurses had to suction her nose and throat and really coax her to cry. It was pretty nerve wracking for daddy who could just stand there and pray! After a few mintues, she turned pink and started breathing normally. I was so happy to hear that cry.
3. The first words that Beulah heard me say were Ephesians 3:14-21. After the nurses had cleaned her off, they took a minute to jot down their records. Beulah was laying under the warming light and I was able to put my hands on her little body, get down really close to her face, and say those verses. I had practiced for several days leading up to her birth, and it was the most special thing for me to be able to have that moment with her.
4. During the operation, I actually was able to peek over the curtain and watch them pull her out. I didn't think I'd be able to handle looking at Michelle's open incision, but in that moment when the doctor said "Here she comes!" I couldn't help but look. I actually got a few really good pictures of them pulling Beulah out. They won't make it to the internet, but you can see them if you come over to our house (and you're not totally grossed out by that sort of thing. Don't worry, I would be totally grossed out too if it wasn't my wife and daughter.)
OK--I think that's all for now. I need to go to bed.
On behalf of my two beautiful girls, goodnight, and we love you all.
Andy
Friday, April 3, 2009
Final Thoughts Before D-Day!
1. One day while I was praying for Beulah, I asked God to help me to be a selfless mother. I don't want tiredness or my own selfish desires to effect the way I respond to or show love to Beulah. So, in my prayer I said, "Help me to be all about HER." Then, like a slap to the back of my hand, I almost audibly heard Him say, "Don't you mean, 'Help me to be all about YOU?'" My heart sank. How easy it is to forget the proper order of things.
I then started to think about all of the problems that come from putting your children before God. After teaching in the pubic schools, it's easy to spot that misalignment simply by the way the child believes s/he is the center of everybody's universe (not just his/her parents' universe). They experience a tremendous amount of frustration and confusion when they realize that they will never be the center or anyone else's universe (until they're married or have children of their own). When they think it's all about them, they don't understand when their teacher, coach, boss, etc. doesn't put them on a pedestal like mommy and daddy do. But, if we put God at the center of our universe, the child sees that and realizes there's something greater than him/her. Modeling the behavior we want our children to emulate is one of the greatest teaching tools we have. It would be very easy for me to blindly allow that misalignment to happen in our family after waiting so many years to be a mommy. So, I will have to constantly check my priorities once she's here.
2. God has set the precedent for parenthood from before Beulah was even conceived. Because of our experiences with infertility, we have learned that we are not in control, He is. When we thought we may be in danger because of Vesa Previa, we had to rely on prayer and His grace for healing. When the placenta lakes were found and the doctors told us they may have to take her early, we had to trust His sovereignty. When the doctors told me I had to keep watch over fetal movement as a result of bleeding, He showed me that He loves her more than I do, and I won't have to worry. Her life is in the LORD's hands, the most capable hands. Besides that fact that I am not in control, that He loves her more than me, and that she is His child, it's comforting to know that He knit her together in my womb. (Psalm 119)
3. Despite my desire to deliver her naturally, God has given me such a peace about having a c-section. Thank you for your prayers about this. As disappointed as we were not to get to meet her Thursday, we were also very thankful for the extra couple of days. We had worked so hard to get the house ready for her homecoming that we were worn out and tense on Thursday morning, even though we didn't realize it until we came down from our high of thinking we were going to get to hold our daughter in our arms that day. But, God knew. In his sovereign mercy, He gave us a couple of extra days of rest. And, as I showered tonight in preparation for tomorrow, I felt so relaxed, calm, excited, and peaceful. I couldn't be more thankful to our God who knows our every need and works everything out for our good. What a loving God He is! Even when we don't understand what's happening at the time, we can trust His love and sovereignty.
4. I'm going to meet my daughter tomorrow!! (Hopefully!)
I then started to think about all of the problems that come from putting your children before God. After teaching in the pubic schools, it's easy to spot that misalignment simply by the way the child believes s/he is the center of everybody's universe (not just his/her parents' universe). They experience a tremendous amount of frustration and confusion when they realize that they will never be the center or anyone else's universe (until they're married or have children of their own). When they think it's all about them, they don't understand when their teacher, coach, boss, etc. doesn't put them on a pedestal like mommy and daddy do. But, if we put God at the center of our universe, the child sees that and realizes there's something greater than him/her. Modeling the behavior we want our children to emulate is one of the greatest teaching tools we have. It would be very easy for me to blindly allow that misalignment to happen in our family after waiting so many years to be a mommy. So, I will have to constantly check my priorities once she's here.
2. God has set the precedent for parenthood from before Beulah was even conceived. Because of our experiences with infertility, we have learned that we are not in control, He is. When we thought we may be in danger because of Vesa Previa, we had to rely on prayer and His grace for healing. When the placenta lakes were found and the doctors told us they may have to take her early, we had to trust His sovereignty. When the doctors told me I had to keep watch over fetal movement as a result of bleeding, He showed me that He loves her more than I do, and I won't have to worry. Her life is in the LORD's hands, the most capable hands. Besides that fact that I am not in control, that He loves her more than me, and that she is His child, it's comforting to know that He knit her together in my womb. (Psalm 119)
3. Despite my desire to deliver her naturally, God has given me such a peace about having a c-section. Thank you for your prayers about this. As disappointed as we were not to get to meet her Thursday, we were also very thankful for the extra couple of days. We had worked so hard to get the house ready for her homecoming that we were worn out and tense on Thursday morning, even though we didn't realize it until we came down from our high of thinking we were going to get to hold our daughter in our arms that day. But, God knew. In his sovereign mercy, He gave us a couple of extra days of rest. And, as I showered tonight in preparation for tomorrow, I felt so relaxed, calm, excited, and peaceful. I couldn't be more thankful to our God who knows our every need and works everything out for our good. What a loving God He is! Even when we don't understand what's happening at the time, we can trust His love and sovereignty.
4. I'm going to meet my daughter tomorrow!! (Hopefully!)
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