A few hours after Chayah was born, I grinned to myself and said to Andy, "I finally have a birth story!" You might say, "But this is your second child--you already had a birth story." And I would say you're right, but my first birth story wasn't the one I dreamed about for six years.
I could sum up Beulah's birth story in two sentences.
Beulah's Birth Story
She was breech for the last three months of pregnancy. I had a planned C-section.
The whole experience was disappointing to me. Yes, I got my baby, and yes she and I were both healthy. But, I learned through the process that it's okay, and even natural, for a woman to grieve the loss of opportunity to labor and deliver trough the natural process. I had dreamed of having an all natural, vaginal birth for...literally, years, and I never even had a single contraction. I spent the last month of pregnancy doing head stands and other positions in hopes that she would turn. But, alas, she never did.
I had always dreamed of the day I would look at Andy and say, "This is it!" He would grab our bags and we'd be out the door. Then I would call family and friends to tell them we were on our way to the hospital. I couldn't imagine much more exciting than that! Except...well, except that moment, after hours of labor, that the baby finally came and a sense of relief, accomplishment, and sheer joy washed over me as I held my baby for the first time.
That's not at all how it happened with Beulah. It was a rather anti-climactic event. We woke up early that Saturday morning. Family was already in town. We all drove to the hospital, signed some papers, and they ran an IV. They wheeled me back to the operating room, gave me a shot in my back, laid me down, and less than five minutes later the doctor said, "You're about to have a baby!" They pulled her out of me. I felt like I should cry or something, but all I could think was that I was going to pass out. I tried to watch them carry her from the Apgar table to the scales and back again, but I was too light headed and distracted by the sensations of being "closed up". After about 10 minutes, Andy brought her over to me and held her near my face. I kissed her, but I actually thought, "How do I know she's mine? I didn't see or feel her come out of me. How can I be sure?" An irrational thought...maybe, but it was there none-the-less. At that point, Andy took her back to the room with him while I laid on the table alone and the doctor finished the procedure.
After about 30-45 more minutes, they wheeled me back to my room, at which point they asked me if I wanted to hold her. Unfortunately, I couldn't because by then I was practically convulsing from the anesthesia. I honestly don't even know how long it was before I was able to hold her for the first time. And nursing...well, that was a nightmare. I think I wrote a post about that back then, so I won't even go there now. Bonding? Well, that took some time. The whole experience was NOTHING like what I had always dreamed or imagined.
Fast forward two and a half years.
Chayah's Birth Story
At one of my first prenatal appointments, the doctor asked if I planned to have more children after this one. When I told him yes, God willing, he said the best option for me would be to do a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarian). I was thrilled to know that the providers I used in my first pregnancy were proponents of VBACs, and that one-third of the providers are Certified Nurse Midwives!
I saw many of the doctors and midwives in the practice over the next nine months, and each of them explained the risks of a VBAC verses the risks of a repeat cesarian. They all told me that the biggest risk with a VBAC is uterine rupture, the uterus tearing at the incision site. When inductions became the common practice, uterine rupture in VBAC patients sky-rocketed. So, many providers and hospitals will not allow VBACs for fear of lawsuit. But, when VBAC patients begin labor spontaneously, the risk of rupture is less than 1%. I was comfortable with that. The doctors also warned me that they would not be patient with me in labor. They explained that extended labor could put more strain on my uterus than they are comfortable with and that if I stalled, they would likely start talking about a c-section. They told me they would give me up to 41 weeks to go into labor on my own before they'd plan a c-section.
Within the last six weeks of pregnancy, I had an ultrasound that determined that Chayah was head down, so I began to prepare for an all natural VBAC. I wanted to do it naturally because it's proven that intervention (induction, epidural, etc.) leads to more intervention, and a high percentage of women who have interventions end up with c-sections. So, I knew that doing it naturally would be my best chance of having a vaginal birth. I had taken a generic birthing class when I was pregnant with Beulah, so I went back and reread the booklet from that class. I didn't take any classes this time, and honestly, I didn't do too much to prepare. I was too busy getting the house ready for Chayah's arrival.
At the beginning of the summer, I had a strong feeling that I might have Chayah before 40 weeks. As I looked at our summer plans, I knew we would be gone at least three weeks, so I felt an urgency to get things done and be ready for whatever. Thank God I did!
Exactly one month before Chayah was born, July 25th, I got a word of encouragement from my daughter, of all people! In all of my talking about Chayah coming, I had never used the word "labor" in front of her. I couldn't recall a single time when anyone had used that word in reference to birth in Beulah's presence either. But, when I woke her up from her nap that afternoon, the first thing she said was, "I hear your labor cries, Mommy." Thinking I must have misunderstood her, with a lump in my throat, I asked, "What did you say, baby?" She repeated it exactly the same way. So, with tears in my eyes, I asked, "What do you mean, baby?" But, she changed the subject and never spoke of it again. Even if she had heard us talk about labor, to put that word together with the word "cries" was further evidence that she hadn't heard it from me. My baby girl is a prophet!!
As I prepared for a natural birth, my biggest fear was that my water would break and I would not begin labor spontaneously. I knew that if that were the case, the doctors would not induce me, and I would just be wheeled in for another c-section. I asked many people to pray that things would line up just right--the size and position of the baby, timing of spontaneous labor, my water breaking, the providers on call, etc. It would all have to be just right for me to have a successful VBAC. And the LORD heard our prayers!!
Tuesday night, August 23rd, at 38.5 weeks gestation, I woke up with what felt like menstrual cramps and was slightly nauseous. I had read that both of those symptoms could be a sign of pre-labor. So, Wednesday morning I knew I needed to go to the grocery store and stock up on things we would need for the next couple of weeks. My wonderful friend Jennifer came over to go to the store with me and help with Beulah because I was feeling pretty crummy at that point. I was having mild, sporadic contractions throughout the day. But by 6 PM, I decided to time them and realized they were exactly three minutes apart for at least two hours. I was becoming less and less able to interact with Beulah, so I called Andy (who was at a Youth meeting) and asked him to come home NOW! By the time he got home, Beulah and I were cuddling on my bed. That was about the best I could do.
All of Chayah's things were ready, the hospital bags were packed, etc., but the house needed a good cleaning. So, Andy got to work. He kicked it into high gear and cleaned for the next three hours. By 1:30 AM, the contractions had strengthened and were still three minutes apart, so I called the doctor's office to see what they wanted me to do. They asked me to come in to be checked. Ria came over to stay with Beulah, and Andy and I headed to the hospital.
They examined me in triage as soon as we arrived, and found me to be 2 cm dilated, 80% effaced, and at 0 station. So, they monitored me for the next couple of hours to see if I was progressing. At the second check, I was 3 cm, 90% effaced, and at 0 station. Contractions stayed regular during that time as well, so they admitted me.
I labored in our room for the next several hours; sometimes standing, sometimes sitting upright in a chair, sometimes on the birthing ball, and sometimes lying on my side. We were exhausted from being up all night, so I found myself falling asleep between contractions, even when I was standing! I really didn't think I'd be able to do that, but I guess I was just that tired! Despite my efforts to progress and let gravity work, my contractions began to spread out and become more sporadic. So at around 10 AM, a decision had to be made about what to do with me.
I wasn't sure who was on call at that point, but I heard a familiar voice outside my door. I could tell she was looking over my chart before she came in, because in her gorgeous Welsh accent, I heard, "Oh, Beulah...I just love that name! Isn't it delightful?!" I looked at Andy with the biggest smile on my face and said, "YAY, Jan!!" And in walked Jan, a Certified Nurse Midwife.
We caught her up on what had happened so far. She examined me and didn't find much change, and then she said, "Tell me what you wish for, darling, because I want to do my best to make sure that happens." Boy, that was good to hear! I told her I'd like to have an all natural VBAC, and she said I had a very good chance of doing that. But, considering the fact that my contractions had spaced out, we needed to make a decision. She presented an option to me that I would have never imagined was possible for a VBAC patient--she suggested I go home! She said, "If you stay here, we're going to start interfering. I could break your water and interrupt God's natural process, or you could go home and wait for that to happen in His timing. Who knows how long that will take? You could be back here tonight, tomorrow, or next week. I mean, this is technically a first birth for you and you're not even at 40 weeks yet. What do you think, darling?" Well, that was an easy decision...I wanted to go home! But, Jan had to run it by the MD on call first, who just happened to be Dr. Barkley--often referred to by the midwives as "The Midwives Doctor". He was on board with sending me home--Hallelujah! So home we went.
Upon Jan's advice, I took a Tylenol PM and went up to bed around 11:00 AM. I slept between contractions, which were getting stronger as the day went on. It's amazing that one could sleep while in labor, but I'm sooo glad I was able to. I woke slightly to breath through the contractions, and then dozed off again.
By 3:00 PM, Beulah, who had been downstairs with family, was really needing to see me. So, I went downstairs for a bit to visit. But, that didn't last long, because I found it difficult to mask the intensity of the contractions and preferred laboring in private. At that point I went upstairs to take a shower. It was really a blessing to be able to labor at home. In the hospital, VBAC patients must wear a fetal monitor at all times as well as have an IV. At home I was free from tubes and wires and much more relaxed because I could labor privately in the comfort of familiar surroundings.
A few days before I went into labor, I read a book written to midwives. I was so surprised to learn how much control a woman has over her own labor progress. Emotional issues play a huge role in labor and delivery. For example, if the relationship between the baby's mother and father is rocky or if it's an unplanned pregnancy, labor can actually stall as the mother's fears are realized. Fear is one of the biggest enemies of labor--whether it's fear of becoming a mother, fear of the pain, or something else. I also learned that women who are very athletic and have strong abdominal muscles can actually use their muscles to hold the baby in place and keep him/her from coming down into the birth canal. Fascinating! So, being conscious of these things, I did a lot of self-talk in my head with each contraction. These are the things I was saying to myself.
"Natural birth is your best chance to have the delivery you want."
"Pain only lasts a little while."
"I can do anything for a day."
"Mary did this in a barn without any help!"
"Contractions are productive--each one represents progress."
"I am not afraid of contractions. I welcome them, because every one gets me closer to my baby."
"I WANT my baby to come to me."
"Relax. Let go. Give in."
"Melt. Go limp."
"Focus low."
On page 89 of the book, the author said, "As labor progresses, the body releases endorphins that make the pain easier to bear. As long as [you] surrender and let this happen, [your] body will labor automatically, and you'll find resources for coping that [you] didn't even realize [you] had." That was a HUGE encouragement to me and helped me fight fear of the pain increasing. I'm SO amazed at how God made our bodies and the grace He provides!
During labor, I also concentrated on feeling the contractions push Chayah down while I visualized the birth canal opening up. I don't know if these thoughts had anything to do with how low she was throughout labor or how fast the next phase went, but it seemed to help me!
Around 7:00 PM, I went downstairs to eat. But, I wasn't feeling much like eating, and I was starting to feel the labor in my back, so I went back upstairs to lay down a while. Then at 7:30, I got the biggest surprise...my water broke! And, when I say that, I don't even know how to describe what that was like. All I can say was that it was definitely NOT a trickle. It was a HUGE gush of warm water. Painless, but surprising none-the-less. I went straight to the bathroom to clean up, and that's when I realized there was quite a lot of blood, which scared us. The doctors had all said that red blood was not good, so I feared uterine rupture. I later found out it was due to the fact that I dilated so quickly.
The contractions picked up and intensified almost immediately. Andy went into command mode. He went down and gave orders to our parents, and then drove faster down I-77 than ever before. When we got to the hospital, Andy went in and asked for a wheel chair. The lady at the desk asked if I could walk, so I tried. I got out of the car and had to stop for a contraction. She brought a wheel chair right away. It was obvious I'd never made it otherwise at that point. I had my eyes closed for most of the rest of the process, so I wasn't even always sure who was around. But, I tried to imagine what people thought as they saw them wheel me down the hall. What a sight I must have been!
Andy asked the nurse if she was taking us to a room. When she told him she was taking us to triage, he said, quite forcefully, "We don't want to go to triage. We were stuck there for four hours this morning, and she's ready." The nurse promised not to keep us there for long. At 8:35 PM they examined me and found me to be 5 cm and 100% effaced. The nurses started buzzing with excitement. We were thrilled to have the same nurses that had been there that morning as well! Jodi and Jess were awesome. They quickly put me back in the wheel chair and took me to a room. They didn't even do all the check-in paperwork at that time. As we were going down the hall I heard Jodi tell someone, "She's 5 cm with broken waters!" A male voice (who I later found out was Dr. Barkley) responded, "Way to go, Amy!" (Amy is my first name.) I didn't even acknowledge him. Then, Jodi said in a bubbly voice, "We just love blood and pain around here." Ha!
Once in my room, I got straight in the bed, and Jess started to place the IV. It took her quite a while because she was trying to do it between contractions. At one point I remember her saying, "Don't move." right as a contraction was mounting. I thought, "Are you serious???" But, I didn't move my arm! I was pretty sure I was in transition at that point because the contractions were so intense and were lasting quite a while.
I had about three more contractions, and then had the strangest sensation. It was like I was involuntarily squeezing my abdominal muscles or something. I actually asked myself, "What was that? What are you doing?" So, when the next contraction came, I tried to make sure I was relaxed, but it happened again and was even stronger. So, with the next one I was going to try to modify my breathing, but it happened again. So, after the contraction I said, "I think I'm bearing down!" Jan said, "Well, you're going to have to stop, honey, because if you don't you're going to reverse everything you've worked so hard for!" (I read later that if you bear down before you're fully dilated, you will swell and then have to wait for the swelling to go down before you can push!) So, I said, quite forcefully, "I can't help it! Tell me what to do!" At that point another contraction came and in a failed attempt to keep from bearing down, I started shaking fiercely. Then I said, "Help me...HeLp Me...HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jan said, "OK, darling, let's see what's going on." She quickly examined me and said, "The reason you're bearing down, darling, is because you're baby's head is coming out! Don't fight it!!" Jodi looked at Andy and said, "Dad, you were almost doing this at home by yourself!!" I said, "Tell me what to do!!" Jan said, "Let's get you in a better position."
At that point the room started buzzing. Jan started giving orders, and I'm pretty sure several other staff members came in the room as well, because when I finally opened my eyes after Chayah was delivered there were at least five people I'd never seen. Jan quickly had me lay on my back and hold onto the backs of my knees. She rinsed me off with warm water so she would see what was happening. With each contraction she coached me to pull my knees towards my chest and push. I didn't expect to deliver in this position. It was the classic television delivery position. But, in that moment, it was happening so fast, I would have done anything she told me to do!
Pushing was a relief. It didn't hurt at all. It was invigorating!! Jan was an amazing coach. She told me everything I needed to do and when. She was so calm and gentle. Jodi was monitoring Chayah's heart rate, and at one point Jan said, "OK, sweetheart. I see you have your eyes closed, so I just want you to listen to my voice. Your baby's head is in the canal, and she doesn't want all that pressure on her head for too much longer. Her heart rate is dropping, and I know you don't want me to give you an episiotomy. So, with this next contraction, I want extra effort. I want you to hold back from bearing down until you absolutely can't stand it and then I want you to PUSH! You PUSH with all you've got, and then when you think you can't push anymore, you give me EXTRA effort!!" The contraction came. Thankfully, because I wasn't medicated, I was lucid enough to understand and feel exactly what I was supposed to do. I did what she said, and when it was over she said, "You've just delivered your baby's hair! Reach down and feel her!" I've heard how empowering it can be to feel your baby's head coming out, and it absolutely was!! I LOVED it!! It gave me the motivation I needed to keep going!!
In between contractions, Jan would put an ice cold towel over my "area". It was refreshing. She was also doing a perennial massage to help prevent tearing. Because Chayah's heart rate was dropping, she had Andy hold the oxygen mask over my mouth and nose. He was only supposed to hold it there between contractions, but he had no way of knowing when a contraction was starting, and I was pretty non-verbal at that point. So, when a contraction was starting, I would shake my head sharply to let him know, and he would pull the mask away. The first time I did that, Jan said, "It doesn't get much clearer than that, Dad!" Andy was so great. He just kept saying, "You're doing SO good baby. You're doing GREAT!"
I have no idea how many times I pushed or for how long. But, it only took a few more pushes until I got to experience that moment I've always dreamed of. At 9:12 PM, Chayah Joy came into the world. They laid her on my chest almost immediately! I didn't cry. I was more in awe--in awe of her and in awe of everything that had just happened. I certainly hadn't expected to go from 5 cm to fully delivered in just over 30 minutes! It was even more amazing than I had dreamed!! It was euphoric. Andy cut the cord right there on me, and a nurse suctioned quite a bit of fluid out of her while I held her. They observed her for Apgar scores right there on my chest--they never took her away. They didn't even check her weight or length until I had breast-fed for at least 30 minutes and Andy had skin to skin time with her. She was 5 lbs 12 oz, and 17 in long. I asked Jan if I tore, and she said, "A little, but that's better than a c-section!" It was a level two tear. Chayah just laid quietly on my chest while Jan did the repair.
At shift change, the next nurse to come in said she had heard how fast my delivery was. She said, "There were several women who delivered naturally last night, but I hear yours went the best!" (Apparently it was a busy night. The nurses credited hurricane Irene and the barometric pressure.) I have to give all credit to God. The prayer was that everything would line up just right. To His credit, Chayah was in the perfect position for a vaginal delivery. I went into labor spontaneously and "early", which meant she was smaller and the doctors weren't getting nervous because I was "late". My water broke late in the process. The staff on call wanted me to have the birth that I wanted and acted in complete support of my decisions. There were so many other factors that were just right--too many to name. I just want to thank God for the privilege of having a natural birth.
Nursing was completely natural. Chayah latched on right away, and we haven't had a single problem. She's made incredible gains with no supplements. In fact, she gained 10 oz in three days!! I had heard that babies born naturally (unmedicated), tend to nurse more readily. All I have to compare it to is the first time...I'd have to say I believe it's true. I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule, and I know it has something to do with the baby too, but in my experience the baby born naturally has done infinitely better all the way around.
I have also done better all the way around. Most of you know I had PPD (Postpartum Depression) after Beulah was born. I have been the complete opposite this time. I think there are a lot of factors that play into that (i.e. experience, Chayah's temperament, letting go of ideals and accepting things as they actually are, etc.), but I do believe having a natural birth has contributed as well. This may sound crazy, but I feel like my hormones have finally realigned and are now exactly where they should be--where they should have been all along. I feel like I'm returning to my old positive, confident self again!
I can't say all this without giving a HUGE "thank you" to my amazing friend Leslie. She is the main reason I had the courage to even try a natural birth. She made me feel like I could do it, and I am so grateful for her encouragement along the way.
I can't even begin to tell you the number of women who, upon hearing my plans to have a natural birth, said, "Well, you're a stronger woman than I am. I could never do that." If you're reading this and considering a natural birth, be encouraged. You CAN do it. I think one reason so many woman believe they can't is because we have the option now not to feel the "pain". We are afraid of pain. But remember, God is gracious, and He provides just what you need each step of the way. If you take the time to study exactly what happens in your body and the interplay between the baby's body and yours in a natural birth, you'll say what our birthing coach said, "You can't do what I do and not believe in God."
One last note. As I was laboring and telling myself that the discomfort I was feeling was a good thing because when it was over there would be a baby, this thought came to me--suffering brings life. It's true with the birth of a baby. It's true of difficult times in our lives that bring about a renewed understanding of God, ourselves, or the world around us. And it was true of the cross. Thank you, Jesus, for suffering so that I may have life!!
