Parenting by THE Book

Having taught dance in public schools for eight years, I learned a lot about "raising" children. Discipline was my greatest strength in the classroom. I considered myself to be fair and caring towards my students. Once, when I got laryngitis, I taught six classes a day for three days with no voice. I whispered and used body language and instruments to guide students' learning. When our upcoming Principal noticed that I had zero discipline problems those days despite the fact that an average of 30 elementary aged kids were actively dancing around my classroom at any given moment, he said, "Now, that's the mark of a good teacher!" It's true enough that when you walk into a classroom where the kids are well behaved and following directions, you think they MUST have a good teacher. But, lately I've realized that good parenting is nothing like "good teaching"*.

I vividly remember learning how to approach discipline in my Ed Psyc classes in college. There are different styles of discipline, and students have different responses to each style. We also learned how to motivate students to learn and behave. I specifically remember learning the terms "intrinsic" and "extrinsic" motivation. Students are motivated intrinsically if they have a personal connection with the given material. They display intrinsic motivation when they are compliant and behave appropriately because they WANT to, as opposed to being forced. Extrinsic motivation is when students learn or behave because they are being manipulated by some external factor; i.e. rewards or punishment.

My classroom, composed of students of varying ethnicities, socioeconomic statuses, religious beliefs, and skill levels, was controlled by rewards and punishment. I tried to present new material in terms that would be interesting to the average student, but motivating every single student using something s/he would have a vested interest in is nearly impossible when they come from such varied backgrounds. So, I settled for Time Out when a student was so disinterested that s/he would rather make their friend laugh. I offered dance parties to classes who had the least Time Outs each semester. We gave pizza parties to the most well behaved 5th grade class each semester. And the list for rewards and punishments goes on and on. Disciplining using extrinsic motivators is ingrained in me. It would take an act of God to change that. And, with the help of some AMAZING resources, I believe the process has begun.


I recently watched The Case for Kids by Dr. Tedd Tripp and his brother Dr. Paul David Tripp. It has changed my whole way of thinking about discipline, and especially disciplining in a Christian home.

As Christian parents, our goal is to raise up children who love God above all else, and who (in response) live to love and serve others. We want them to be so humbled by God's love for them that they are compelled to share His love with others and desire nothing more than to bring Him glory. Well, that sounds all fine and good, but how do you do that? Obviously that can't be accomplished by manipulating kids with rewards and punishments. Paul and Tedd Tripp made the point that extrinsic motivators don't touch the heart of the child. In this DVD series, they give practical advice on how to live, speak, and train your children to be motivated to live and obey out of a love for God and a grateful heart for what He has done for us. They put special emphasis on the fact that we're all sinners with no hope (parents and children alike) apart from the redemption offered to us through Christ Jesus. Can you imagine your child fully grasping that and living out of a true understanding of who God is and what He has done? Oh, GLORY!!

If you are a Christian parent, you don't want to go another day without seeing this material. The beautiful thing is, Paul and Tedd make it clear that it is never too late to start parenting this way, no matter how old your children are. If you live in the Fort Mill area, Eternal will be showing the DVDs before worship on Sunday mornings (9:15 AM at the Baxter YMCA) starting in February, and you are more than welcome to join us for the viewing and discussion. Childcare will be provided. If you can't make it, I HIGHLY recommend you find another way to see it, if possible.

If you can't find a way to see the videos (and even if you do), you will do well to read the two books that the series is based off of. Tedd Tripp's Shepherding a Child's Heart (which also has a handbook and instructor's guide if you want to study it with a group) and Paul David Tripp's Age of Opportunity. Couple your reading with the featured Resurgence Audio and Video of Tedd Tripp speaking at Mars Hill Church in Seattle, WA, and you'll get a good feel for what the DVD series is all about.



I have also been reading a book that is really encouraging to me (thanks, Priscilla!). A Mother's Heart, by Jean Fleming, is a great book about viewing your family as your number one ministry and how to balance life with raising children in a Christian home. Moms, it's worth a read, for many reasons.



I would encourage you to step back and evaluate your parenting using Scripture. But, it would do us all well to remember...
"As [parents] we can do nothing to persuade or convince our children to love God...We can teach our children about God, pray for them, live the Christian life before them, and expose them to others who love and serve God. But only God can give them spiritual life. God doesn't need our help, but in His sovereign plan He invites us to take part actively--to colabor with Him as He works in their lives."--Jean Fleming

May God bless you as you strive to raise His children for Him.


*Just because someone is a skilled disciplinarian doesn't mean s/he is gifted to lead a large number of students with differing learning abilities, levels, and backgrounds towards mastery of curriculum. But, that's not the point of this blog...just a side note. :)