I have to admit, I went through a sort of grieving process (for the potential loss of labor) Friday and Saturday morning. I didn't call or talk to anybody because I knew what everyone was going to say. I KNEW what I SHOULD be thinking and feeling. "She'll get here in the perfect way God has planned." "When it's over and you see that healthy baby girl, you won't care how she got here!" "The important thing is that you're both safe." I knew I SHOULD be thinking and feeling that way, but I just couldn't make myself.
Some women have said that I'm lucky not to have to labor. They say they wish they could have just been wheeled in for surgery and not have had to go through the hours of work. So, why would I want to labor and need to grieve the loss of it? Crazy or not, honestly I was looking forward to doing the work and that moment of climax when she is born, feeling SO much relief and joy that's she's here and the work is done. Not to mention the fact that God moved my placenta out of the way and has prepared my body for a successful vaginal delivery. Plus, with my background in dance and knowledge of the body, I was looking forward to the physical challenge.
I've talked to several women, close friends and family, that labored for hours, only to end in a c-section. Those women went through a period of grief for their birth experience afterwards. I think it's natural and important to allow women to grieve without guilt. It's a loss for the experience the way God created it. Of course, it wouldn't be good to sit in the grief for too long or to overreact about it (whatever that looks like), but healthy grieving can be important and necessary.
Fortunately, Andy recognized my need to grieve, and prayed with me about it Friday. Saturday morning, I showed my weakness to two moms from church that I respect and admire. While they tried to encourage me, I still could not force myself to feel different. But, about an hour later, as I was being treated to a pedicure (see below) by Beulah's "aunt Danielle" and filling her in on "the plan", I started to get excited! There was an unexplainable difference in my attitude and feelings as I talked about meeting my sweet baby girl in a week and a half!! I could literally FEEL the prayers that Andy and those two moms had prayed for me, and thank God, He lifted what I could not.
I had to surrender MY will and the desires of my heart to God and His sovereignty. I KNOW He knows what's best and I trust that He has His reasons, even if I never know them. Who knows, He could be protecting us from something much worse! There are, after-all, some positive aspects to all this.
1. I have had time to grieve the loss of natural delivery BEFORE my baby comes, rather than after (which is the case for many women).
2. I feel GREAT! I'm pretty sure it's because I don't have a head in my pelvis or feet in my ribs. :)
3. This method is much more predictable and makes planning easy.
4. I will get to sleep through the night next Wednesday (as much as possible with aches, anxiety and excitement), wake up, calmly go to the hospital and meet my baby that morning! Then, I have the rest of the day with her, our parents and siblings.
5. I will meet my baby in a week and a half (after almost 7 years of waiting)!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait!!
Now, does that mean we stop praying that she will turn? NO! If He wants to, God could still turn her before next Thursday! If He does that, I will consider it ANOTHER miracle! If you look at the picture below, Beulah is sitting in the Frank Breech position and has been for quite a while. I can't even IMAGINE how my little chunker could turn from that position with the lack of space she has in there. She seems quite comfortable and doesn't listen to our reason and logic about why she should turn. :) So, it would actually take the hand of God to guide her to the head down position. The statistics say that only 3-4% of babies are still breech by this point in pregnancy. And, as the high risk doctor told us, babies have typically declared their position by now. But, what does God care about statistics? If He wants to, He'll turn her. I know that for sure!
I've never been a girlie girl. I've had MAYBE three pedicures my whole life. Green is my favorite color, and I've typically avoided pink. But, when you're pregnant with a little girl, you can't help but think of her when you see pink. So, I chose pink as my toenail color in honor of her arrival. :)
Look at that Belly! This was taken at 36.5 weeks.
