"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8
Watch this amateur video involving wild lions and buffalo. Don't worry, it is not grotesque. And, don't lose heart half-way through (like I did). The end will amaze you and hopefully speak to you like it did me.
The last time we went to Barnes & Noble, I stood in the teen section for a few minutes and looked over the titles and covers of the books promoted specifically to teens. My heart sunk. I wanted to cry. Satan's trickery and cunning ways were so clear to me in that moment. He goes after the young and weak. He comes at them from all sides and sets them (us) on a trajectory of devastation that only Jesus can thwart. But, we must be like the Buffalo. We can not stand for it! We must join together with our believing family and friends (Matthew 18:20), get on our knees, and FIGHT!!
As parents, it is our job to protect our young. We can control their environment to a certain degree, but we will never be able to shelter them from the full scope and consequences of the Fall. We have to rely on One greater than us; One who loves our children more than we do. And, so, we lift them up in prayer. John Piper says, "We pray to acknowledge our helplessness and God's omnipotence."
Of course, prayer alone is not sufficient. As parents we must teach our children to view the world through the lens of the gospel. With a gospel world view, our children will be equipped to fight with a sword in their hand. (For more on that, read Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp.) We are, however, called to prayer on behalf of our loved ones. 1 Timothy 2:1, James 5:16
Ephesians 6:10-18
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
Lately, I have been faced with the reality that I need to have more focused prayer times. As I write this, I speak not as one who has done it right from the start, but as one who will strive (with God's help) to intentionally lift my child(ren) up in prayer daily. We love Beulah more than anyone else (besides God). If we don't regularly lift her up in prayer, fighting the spiritual forces that hate her and want to drag her away from all that is good, no one else will. I want our prayers for her to be more proactive rather than reactive.
What should I pray? I will pray scripture. I will pray for her the way Paul prayed for and admonished the Church--those he loved and led spiritually. Here are some examples.
Ephesians 1:17-19
Ephesians 3:16-21
Philippians 1:9-11
Colossians 1:9-12
Philemon 6
2 Thesslonians 1:11-12
1 Corinthians 13
Colossians 3: 12-17
Galatians 5:22-26
I've considered choosing one passage a month and praying those verses for her daily, along with some of the prayers below, many of which were inspired by what I've seen in The Case for Kids by Paul David Tripp and Tedd Tripp.
I pray that Beulah will...
*see that God is worthy to be praised above all else (Isaiah 46:9-11).
*have a hunger for the Word and meditate on it day and night (Joshua 1:8).
*love the Lord our God with all her heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12;30).
*be compelled to love others (her neighbors) because of God's love and sacrifice for her (2 Corinthians 5:14).
*live knowing that her worth and her value rest in Christ. Her peace, joy and identity do not come from how others feel about her, a job, material possessions, etc. When life proves difficult, her foundation will not be rocked because she is grounded in Christ, not things or people.
*realize that she can't earn God's love and favor. It is a gift of grace given to her from the foundation of the world, before she was even born (Psalm 139:13-16).
*live to love and serve Him for the praise of His glory, not her own (Ephesians 1:12).
*face life's challenges with a gospel world-view, causing her to respond in a manner that glorifies the LORD.
*look to Jesus, her Redeemer, when she needs supernatural help to do His will.
*be aware that she has an enemy (the devil), but know that God is greater (1 John 4:4).
*trust in God's sovereignty.
*use her God given gifts to edify the Body of Christ (1 Corinthians 14:12).
*view authority (God's, ours, her future spouse-whom we pray for now, etc.) as a blessing and protection.
From A Mother’s Heart by Jean Fleming
"As I feed the children, I pray God will nourish their souls; as I bathe them I pray they will experience the spiritual cleansing Christ provides; as I dress them I pray they will be clothed in righteousness."
What are some specific verses or prayers that you pray for your children? Please share!
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Thursday, September 3, 2009
The Road to Recovery
Your prayers on our behalf have been heard, and the LORD is faithful! I am thankful to say, we are on the road to recovery and He is healing our family. It's amazing how things can change so much in just three weeks!
At my two week check up, the doctor was very pleased at the progress I've made. He said that with these kinds of results, I wouldn't need to be on the meds for long; probably 3-6 months. My anxiety has decreased drastically, and I am happy to say that I have not had one bout of anger since my last post! I have a lot more peace, joy and patience these days; praise the LORD! Several things have contributed to my recovery.
* the meds.
* getting a lot more rest. Andy has been an enormous help in the night, and has taken good care of me.
* getting help from friends and family. Some have brought dinner, others have come over just to hang out and hold Beulah for a while for me.
* improvements in Beulah's sleep (details on how this happened in the next post)
* encouragement from you guys. Hearing your stories and knowing you're interceding for us has really lifted my spirits.
* Answered prayers.
THANK YOU!!
I believe the Lord is working on me in a couple of ways. Mainly, He's teaching me how to accept help and let the Body function as it was intended (1 Corinthians 12). We are taught by our society that we should be independent; we shouldn't need anybody. But, God intended for us to be interdependent. It's hard to go against what is ingrained in you by your culture. I'm used to being the one who listens when others have problems. I've been told it's one of my gifts to listen and offer support to those who are struggling. I'm NOT used to accepting help. It makes me very uncomfortable to feel needy. But, as some have reminded me, it is for a season. And, we all will have times when we give and times when we need to receive. So, thank you for offering yourself to me and forcing me to accept. I have really needed that.
The second way I believe the Lord is challenging me is in worship. Last week, when Beulah got fussy in the car, I started scanning radio stations looking for something fun to listen to. I stopped scanning when I heard "Come, now is the time to worship." The lyrics that stuck with me that day were, "Come, NOW is the time to worship. Come, JUST AS YOU ARE to worship. Come, JUST AS YOU ARE before your God." I was reminded that we are called to worship despite our circumstances. I learned this through infertility, but somehow when a new challenge arises I forget. The God of the Universe is worthy of our praise simply for who He is, not just for what He does for us.
I love y'all. I am completely humbled by your love and kindness to our family during this time. Thank you for loving on us. I only hope to return the love to you when you need it. Be blessed and encouraged! I am.
At my two week check up, the doctor was very pleased at the progress I've made. He said that with these kinds of results, I wouldn't need to be on the meds for long; probably 3-6 months. My anxiety has decreased drastically, and I am happy to say that I have not had one bout of anger since my last post! I have a lot more peace, joy and patience these days; praise the LORD! Several things have contributed to my recovery.
* the meds.
* getting a lot more rest. Andy has been an enormous help in the night, and has taken good care of me.
* getting help from friends and family. Some have brought dinner, others have come over just to hang out and hold Beulah for a while for me.
* improvements in Beulah's sleep (details on how this happened in the next post)
* encouragement from you guys. Hearing your stories and knowing you're interceding for us has really lifted my spirits.
* Answered prayers.
THANK YOU!!
I believe the Lord is working on me in a couple of ways. Mainly, He's teaching me how to accept help and let the Body function as it was intended (1 Corinthians 12). We are taught by our society that we should be independent; we shouldn't need anybody. But, God intended for us to be interdependent. It's hard to go against what is ingrained in you by your culture. I'm used to being the one who listens when others have problems. I've been told it's one of my gifts to listen and offer support to those who are struggling. I'm NOT used to accepting help. It makes me very uncomfortable to feel needy. But, as some have reminded me, it is for a season. And, we all will have times when we give and times when we need to receive. So, thank you for offering yourself to me and forcing me to accept. I have really needed that.
The second way I believe the Lord is challenging me is in worship. Last week, when Beulah got fussy in the car, I started scanning radio stations looking for something fun to listen to. I stopped scanning when I heard "Come, now is the time to worship." The lyrics that stuck with me that day were, "Come, NOW is the time to worship. Come, JUST AS YOU ARE to worship. Come, JUST AS YOU ARE before your God." I was reminded that we are called to worship despite our circumstances. I learned this through infertility, but somehow when a new challenge arises I forget. The God of the Universe is worthy of our praise simply for who He is, not just for what He does for us.
I love y'all. I am completely humbled by your love and kindness to our family during this time. Thank you for loving on us. I only hope to return the love to you when you need it. Be blessed and encouraged! I am.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Depression Confession
The week after my last post was the best week Beulah and I have had together. I could literally feel your prayers. Those of you that I talked to personally, I told you that things were better; not because the situation had changed, but because God had changed me. That week, I started to write a post about how God had turned my mountain into a mole hill and had given me peace about Beulah’s problems. He opened my eyes to other people's struggles that dwarf ours by a long shot. It put things into perspective and helped me to cope. I also stopped expecting things to go perfectly so that I didn't freak out when they didn't. Andy found his own way to cope. He made the point that Beulah could have been born to any family. What if she had been born to a family with a dad that had anger problems? What would happen to her? Thank you, God, for blessing us with this precious child!
This new perspective certainly helped, but so did YOU. I received such an outpouring of love and support after my last post that I don't have words to express my gratitude. Not only did I discover that there are many MANY more of you that had a rough start with your little one(s), I've also had offer after offer for help. One friend even blocked out a weekly time to help with whatever I happen to need that day! People have brought us food and cleaned our house. Some have even offered to hold Beulah during worship so I could go in to hear the message! You people are amazing!! Thank you, and thank God for meeting me where I am and acknowledging that what I am feeling is very real despite the fact that it pales in comparison to the problems of some others (Romans 14:1). You have been, for us, what God intended community to be (1 Corinthians 12). THANK YOU!!
Now for the update...
The week Andy was in Guatemala, I took Beulah to GA to stay with my parents. Up to that point, Beulah had only been waking one time every night, which didn’t bother me a bit. I actually liked the nighttime feeding. It was a peaceful, quiet time with my little angel, unlike the daytime. Andy didn’t have to help because it wasn’t like I was up for long. But, the week we were in GA, she started waking five or more times each night. After the third night of it, my mom came in around 7 AM when she heard Beulah crying. She offered to take Beulah for me, which I gladly accepted. After I passed her off, I went to another room and stated sobbing. I had already put her down five times and she had just woken right back up. I was exhausted. I went back to sleep for two more hours while Mama took care of Beulah.
Unfortunately, things didn’t get back to “normal” when we got home. She continued waking 5+ times every night. And, because the pattern had been set for me to do the nighttime feedings without Andy’s help, I was doing it alone. He would have helped, but I knew he had to work, so I didn’t ask him to. Several nights she woke up every single hour. Most times, she wouldn’t nap during the day either, unless she was being held by someone. Sadly enough, I can’t sleep with her on or even near me. Trust me, at that point I would have considered co-sleeping if I thought I could sleep. To top it all off, I started to have insomnia. I don’t know whether it was anxiety because I wasn’t sleeping, or if I was just laying there waiting for her to wake up. I was more than exhausted, but I couldn’t sleep. Insomnia helps during the night when your baby wakes up every hour, but it does nothing for the daytime.
After three weeks of this, my mom came to stay a week and help me with Beulah. By that point, I was so exhausted I was literally losing my mind. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. That became more apparent to me every day/night. The second night my mom was there was one of the nights I was up every single hour. At 5 AM, when Beulah started crying, I finally asked Andy if he would go get her. It hadn’t been long since I put her down, and I was getting so angry, I thought it would be better for someone else to care for her. I wasn’t angry at her or even God anymore; I was just angry and tired. Andy tried for about 10 minutes to calm and satisfy her, but nothing was working. I knew that the only thing that would help was nursing. So, very frustrated, I told him to bring her to me. I started nursing her. But, the anger had welled up inside of me and it had to come out. I didn’t want to hurt her, and I didn’t want to break anything, so I just wacked myself in the forehead with my fist two times really hard. That’s when Andy knew that this was serious.
The third night, when Beulah woke up at 10 PM, then 11 PM, then 12 AM and I knew I had the rest of the night like that to look forward to, I lost it again. I left Beulah in the crib crying and I sobbed on my knees in the bathroom. That night, my mom & Andy sent me to the couch with some Tylenol PM (I had been fighting a headache all day) and they did shifts taking care of Beulah. That was the most consecutive hours of sleep I’ve had since Beulah was born. It was great! But, the next day, I was still exhausted and showing signs of anger. So, the fourth night, they sent me to the couch again. The fifth night, I tried to get back in the mix. I was going to take a shift or two. But, when she woke up after having only been asleep for 15 minutes, my reaction made it apparent that I wasn’t quite ready yet. Couch again. You’d think that after three nights on the couch I would have felt better. But, I only felt more exhausted. The next day, Andy called and made an appointment for me to see a doctor about the possibility of postpartum depression (PPD).
The potential need for medication had come up before. But, so many people had warned me about the hormones and how “crazy” I would get after the baby was born, that I thought this was normal. I wouldn’t even consider that I—someone who had waited 6 years for this—could have postpartum depression. I was supposed to be the happiest mother on the earth! I always ignored the articles and chapters on PPD because I thought it could never happen to someone who was so happy to have a baby and I didn't have any of the risk factors. But, Andy, my mom, Andy’s mom, and some others reassured me that THIS was NOT normal. So, I went to the appointment.
The Doctor was great. He took the time to listen and evaluate. He said, “We underestimate our need for sleep.” I told him that the anger was so intense that it was potentially serious. He said, “It’s not ‘potentially serious’, it IS serious.” He recommended medication temporarily to help get me through this rough time. I agreed, because I knew that my stress was passing on to Beulah and creating this cyclical nightmare. So, I, “smiley” (as some have called me in the past), am on Zoloft. Yes, me; the one whose glass is always half full; the one who laughs at every little thing. I am on an anti-depressant.
I still don’t want to call it PPD. In my mind, that would mean that I don’t love and enjoy my baby (that's what I thought PPD was), which is SO not true. I haven’t wanted to harm her nor do I resent her in any way. I adore her! We have loads of fun and laughs during her wake time. It's the feeding and sleeping that trigger the anxiety and anger. I have to remind myself that postpartum depression is not borne out of my heart, it is my body's response to delivery. I also don’t feel what I have imagined people who are depressed feel; no suicidal thoughts. But, if anxiety, anger and a sense that things will never get better is depression, then that’s me. If I submit and call it “postpartum depression”, my fear is that it will steal the glory of God’s miracle in having created Beulah in the first place. But, as my dear mother-in-law and cousin reminded me, the miracle was her conception. Nothing can take that away. God didn’t promise that life would be perfect for me or for her.
I would much rather say that it is “situational depression”; that I am having this anger and anxiety because of our current situation. This is happening to me because I am exhausted, and once I get some rest, it’ll all go away. But, the reality is, there have been signs of this from the first day we brought her home. I have been completely obsessive and neurotic. Our moms saw it. Andy saw it. You may have even seen it too. If you have been reading my posts since she’s been born, you’ll notice that there is a stark change in tone from the posts before she was born.
Sometimes I think that God is into bartering. For example, I thought that this would never happen to me because I suffered through infertility. In other words, if I make it through one trial, I deserve a break. I've earned it. It's my right as a Christian. But, nothing could be further from the truth. Besides the fact that we live in a fallen world and should never expect anything to be perfect (until heaven), just the fact that I'm a human means that I don't deserve anything...well, actually I deserve God's wrath (Romans 3). But, that’s why God sent His son, so that I don’t have to get what I deserve. That’s what mercy is. Instead, I get what I don’t deserve; an inheritance with Christ in Heaven! That’s what grace is. And, that's what really matters; not all this other stuff. But, I'm still here in this flawed world. So, after six years of infertility, I have a baby with colic who won’t sleep or self sooth and I’m tired. It seems important to me now. It reminds me that I can't do it alone, that in this life, we need a Savior. Trials force us to rely on Him.
“But,” you say, “Christians shouldn’t need medication. God should just fix us." And, the debate ensues. But, despite where you and I stand on the issue, I AM on medication, and it seems to be helping; that, plus the fact that Andy is taking a very active role in my recovery. He's a huge help in the night time. I am no longer anxiety ridden, and the insomnia seems to be subsiding. Praise the LORD!
Another step towards freedom will come when I learn to let go of the “should do’s”. The doctors, books and articles all say you shouldn't nurse your baby to sleep. But, sometimes she's so keyed up that I have to get her almost asleep before she'll eat, so of course she falls asleep while she's nursing. They also say you should put your baby down for naps (don't hold them while they sleep). But, when I've done that, she wakes up after 15 minutes or less with her legs flying in the air from gas. On me, she can sleep up to 3 solid hours. And, the rules go on and on. So, what if you follow all those rules, but your baby won't/can't comply? That's enough to drive a rule follower like me out of my mind! So, I'm trying to let those "should do's" go so that I can relax and do what is best (and what works) for Beulah. Sure, I may have a hard time breaking many of the habits that are forming now, but for the most part, we don't have a choice. We're in "survival mode", as we call it.
Since my appointment, I've discovered that postpartum depression is much more common than I knew. The Doctor told me that, but I didn't really know until I started telling people. It seems like more than half of the mothers I've talked to have had postpartum depression with at least one of their pregnancies. Some of you reading this may now suspect that you may have had it too, but either you didn't know it at the time or you didn't get a diagnosis. I don't know if there's just such a bad stigma about it that people don't talk about it, or if I've just been blind to it in my years of wanting a baby. Either way, I'm thankful for the women who have opened up and shared their story with me so that I don't feel like something is wrong with me that I need to keep hidden.
I receive weekly e-newsletters from The Baby Center that tell me about my baby's development and how my life might be effected as a result. This excerpt is from an article sent in the first couple of months that stuck with me. I was impressed with the honesty and thankful for the permission to admit that things weren't exactly what I expected.
"Even when you're the happiest person on earth to be a new parent, it's common to have nagging little feelings of disappointment. Not that you want to tell anyone. But you spent nine months imagining what your baby would be like and now here he is — perhaps not exactly what you'd pictured. Parents of a baby born with a health problem are especially vulnerable to this feeling of not getting what they'd bargained for. But parents of healthy children often have such feelings too. In all of these situations, there's a wonderful new baby to celebrate. And yet there's often an imaginary baby to mourn before the real baby can be fully embraced. Rarely does anybody talk about this phenomenon, but it's perfectly normal and human. So if your joy is tinged with a little regret, don't feel guilty. Give yourself a little space to privately grieve, and then count the blessings you do have."
I love y'all, and am so thankful for your support. I'm thankful for the calls and e-mails, even if I don't return them. They encourage me. And, one day, I will find it easier to respond. In the meantime, thank you for continuing to reach out to me. You truly are the warm arms and hands of Christ to me.
This new perspective certainly helped, but so did YOU. I received such an outpouring of love and support after my last post that I don't have words to express my gratitude. Not only did I discover that there are many MANY more of you that had a rough start with your little one(s), I've also had offer after offer for help. One friend even blocked out a weekly time to help with whatever I happen to need that day! People have brought us food and cleaned our house. Some have even offered to hold Beulah during worship so I could go in to hear the message! You people are amazing!! Thank you, and thank God for meeting me where I am and acknowledging that what I am feeling is very real despite the fact that it pales in comparison to the problems of some others (Romans 14:1). You have been, for us, what God intended community to be (1 Corinthians 12). THANK YOU!!
Now for the update...
The week Andy was in Guatemala, I took Beulah to GA to stay with my parents. Up to that point, Beulah had only been waking one time every night, which didn’t bother me a bit. I actually liked the nighttime feeding. It was a peaceful, quiet time with my little angel, unlike the daytime. Andy didn’t have to help because it wasn’t like I was up for long. But, the week we were in GA, she started waking five or more times each night. After the third night of it, my mom came in around 7 AM when she heard Beulah crying. She offered to take Beulah for me, which I gladly accepted. After I passed her off, I went to another room and stated sobbing. I had already put her down five times and she had just woken right back up. I was exhausted. I went back to sleep for two more hours while Mama took care of Beulah.
Unfortunately, things didn’t get back to “normal” when we got home. She continued waking 5+ times every night. And, because the pattern had been set for me to do the nighttime feedings without Andy’s help, I was doing it alone. He would have helped, but I knew he had to work, so I didn’t ask him to. Several nights she woke up every single hour. Most times, she wouldn’t nap during the day either, unless she was being held by someone. Sadly enough, I can’t sleep with her on or even near me. Trust me, at that point I would have considered co-sleeping if I thought I could sleep. To top it all off, I started to have insomnia. I don’t know whether it was anxiety because I wasn’t sleeping, or if I was just laying there waiting for her to wake up. I was more than exhausted, but I couldn’t sleep. Insomnia helps during the night when your baby wakes up every hour, but it does nothing for the daytime.
After three weeks of this, my mom came to stay a week and help me with Beulah. By that point, I was so exhausted I was literally losing my mind. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. That became more apparent to me every day/night. The second night my mom was there was one of the nights I was up every single hour. At 5 AM, when Beulah started crying, I finally asked Andy if he would go get her. It hadn’t been long since I put her down, and I was getting so angry, I thought it would be better for someone else to care for her. I wasn’t angry at her or even God anymore; I was just angry and tired. Andy tried for about 10 minutes to calm and satisfy her, but nothing was working. I knew that the only thing that would help was nursing. So, very frustrated, I told him to bring her to me. I started nursing her. But, the anger had welled up inside of me and it had to come out. I didn’t want to hurt her, and I didn’t want to break anything, so I just wacked myself in the forehead with my fist two times really hard. That’s when Andy knew that this was serious.
The third night, when Beulah woke up at 10 PM, then 11 PM, then 12 AM and I knew I had the rest of the night like that to look forward to, I lost it again. I left Beulah in the crib crying and I sobbed on my knees in the bathroom. That night, my mom & Andy sent me to the couch with some Tylenol PM (I had been fighting a headache all day) and they did shifts taking care of Beulah. That was the most consecutive hours of sleep I’ve had since Beulah was born. It was great! But, the next day, I was still exhausted and showing signs of anger. So, the fourth night, they sent me to the couch again. The fifth night, I tried to get back in the mix. I was going to take a shift or two. But, when she woke up after having only been asleep for 15 minutes, my reaction made it apparent that I wasn’t quite ready yet. Couch again. You’d think that after three nights on the couch I would have felt better. But, I only felt more exhausted. The next day, Andy called and made an appointment for me to see a doctor about the possibility of postpartum depression (PPD).
The potential need for medication had come up before. But, so many people had warned me about the hormones and how “crazy” I would get after the baby was born, that I thought this was normal. I wouldn’t even consider that I—someone who had waited 6 years for this—could have postpartum depression. I was supposed to be the happiest mother on the earth! I always ignored the articles and chapters on PPD because I thought it could never happen to someone who was so happy to have a baby and I didn't have any of the risk factors. But, Andy, my mom, Andy’s mom, and some others reassured me that THIS was NOT normal. So, I went to the appointment.
The Doctor was great. He took the time to listen and evaluate. He said, “We underestimate our need for sleep.” I told him that the anger was so intense that it was potentially serious. He said, “It’s not ‘potentially serious’, it IS serious.” He recommended medication temporarily to help get me through this rough time. I agreed, because I knew that my stress was passing on to Beulah and creating this cyclical nightmare. So, I, “smiley” (as some have called me in the past), am on Zoloft. Yes, me; the one whose glass is always half full; the one who laughs at every little thing. I am on an anti-depressant.
I still don’t want to call it PPD. In my mind, that would mean that I don’t love and enjoy my baby (that's what I thought PPD was), which is SO not true. I haven’t wanted to harm her nor do I resent her in any way. I adore her! We have loads of fun and laughs during her wake time. It's the feeding and sleeping that trigger the anxiety and anger. I have to remind myself that postpartum depression is not borne out of my heart, it is my body's response to delivery. I also don’t feel what I have imagined people who are depressed feel; no suicidal thoughts. But, if anxiety, anger and a sense that things will never get better is depression, then that’s me. If I submit and call it “postpartum depression”, my fear is that it will steal the glory of God’s miracle in having created Beulah in the first place. But, as my dear mother-in-law and cousin reminded me, the miracle was her conception. Nothing can take that away. God didn’t promise that life would be perfect for me or for her.
I would much rather say that it is “situational depression”; that I am having this anger and anxiety because of our current situation. This is happening to me because I am exhausted, and once I get some rest, it’ll all go away. But, the reality is, there have been signs of this from the first day we brought her home. I have been completely obsessive and neurotic. Our moms saw it. Andy saw it. You may have even seen it too. If you have been reading my posts since she’s been born, you’ll notice that there is a stark change in tone from the posts before she was born.
Sometimes I think that God is into bartering. For example, I thought that this would never happen to me because I suffered through infertility. In other words, if I make it through one trial, I deserve a break. I've earned it. It's my right as a Christian. But, nothing could be further from the truth. Besides the fact that we live in a fallen world and should never expect anything to be perfect (until heaven), just the fact that I'm a human means that I don't deserve anything...well, actually I deserve God's wrath (Romans 3). But, that’s why God sent His son, so that I don’t have to get what I deserve. That’s what mercy is. Instead, I get what I don’t deserve; an inheritance with Christ in Heaven! That’s what grace is. And, that's what really matters; not all this other stuff. But, I'm still here in this flawed world. So, after six years of infertility, I have a baby with colic who won’t sleep or self sooth and I’m tired. It seems important to me now. It reminds me that I can't do it alone, that in this life, we need a Savior. Trials force us to rely on Him.
“But,” you say, “Christians shouldn’t need medication. God should just fix us." And, the debate ensues. But, despite where you and I stand on the issue, I AM on medication, and it seems to be helping; that, plus the fact that Andy is taking a very active role in my recovery. He's a huge help in the night time. I am no longer anxiety ridden, and the insomnia seems to be subsiding. Praise the LORD!
Another step towards freedom will come when I learn to let go of the “should do’s”. The doctors, books and articles all say you shouldn't nurse your baby to sleep. But, sometimes she's so keyed up that I have to get her almost asleep before she'll eat, so of course she falls asleep while she's nursing. They also say you should put your baby down for naps (don't hold them while they sleep). But, when I've done that, she wakes up after 15 minutes or less with her legs flying in the air from gas. On me, she can sleep up to 3 solid hours. And, the rules go on and on. So, what if you follow all those rules, but your baby won't/can't comply? That's enough to drive a rule follower like me out of my mind! So, I'm trying to let those "should do's" go so that I can relax and do what is best (and what works) for Beulah. Sure, I may have a hard time breaking many of the habits that are forming now, but for the most part, we don't have a choice. We're in "survival mode", as we call it.
Since my appointment, I've discovered that postpartum depression is much more common than I knew. The Doctor told me that, but I didn't really know until I started telling people. It seems like more than half of the mothers I've talked to have had postpartum depression with at least one of their pregnancies. Some of you reading this may now suspect that you may have had it too, but either you didn't know it at the time or you didn't get a diagnosis. I don't know if there's just such a bad stigma about it that people don't talk about it, or if I've just been blind to it in my years of wanting a baby. Either way, I'm thankful for the women who have opened up and shared their story with me so that I don't feel like something is wrong with me that I need to keep hidden.
I receive weekly e-newsletters from The Baby Center that tell me about my baby's development and how my life might be effected as a result. This excerpt is from an article sent in the first couple of months that stuck with me. I was impressed with the honesty and thankful for the permission to admit that things weren't exactly what I expected.
"Even when you're the happiest person on earth to be a new parent, it's common to have nagging little feelings of disappointment. Not that you want to tell anyone. But you spent nine months imagining what your baby would be like and now here he is — perhaps not exactly what you'd pictured. Parents of a baby born with a health problem are especially vulnerable to this feeling of not getting what they'd bargained for. But parents of healthy children often have such feelings too. In all of these situations, there's a wonderful new baby to celebrate. And yet there's often an imaginary baby to mourn before the real baby can be fully embraced. Rarely does anybody talk about this phenomenon, but it's perfectly normal and human. So if your joy is tinged with a little regret, don't feel guilty. Give yourself a little space to privately grieve, and then count the blessings you do have."
I love y'all, and am so thankful for your support. I'm thankful for the calls and e-mails, even if I don't return them. They encourage me. And, one day, I will find it easier to respond. In the meantime, thank you for continuing to reach out to me. You truly are the warm arms and hands of Christ to me.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Spiritually Speaking
It's always been easy for me to have faith. Because of the profound way my life changed when I accepted the LORD, I've always believed God could do anything. Did I believe I could get pregnant after six years of infertility and one prayer? Sure! That's no problem for Him. But, lately I've found myself sounding a lot like David in Psalm 22, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent."
Day after day I watch my baby cry out in pain. Her little body has such painful gas that (so far) no prayer, chiropractor, doctor, or medicine has helped. Suddenly, my sweet smiling baby will scream out, and at times nothing and no one can comfort her. There are days when she's in so much pain that we can't get her to eat or sleep. On those days, all we can do to calm her is walk around the house carrying her for hours or take her outside. On my better days, I have so much compassion and love for her that I could walk forever just to comfort her. But after days of this or nights of her waking up every other hour, I get tired, my spirit (and body) gets weak, and I just get angry.
Since she was born, pretty much every thought in my head has been a prayer on her behalf. "God I know you love her more than I do, but as the one you've entrusted to care for this angel, I ask you to heal your child...help her to pass this gas...help her to poop...help her to sleep...give her peace...have mercy on this innocent child..." Sometimes He answers with haste, other times--silence. And, sometimes I will thank Him for something that IS going right, but immediately afterwards the opposite happens. Those days when I'm worn out and He's silent, that's when Andy comes home to a crying baby and a crying, angry wife. But, at the end of my rope, I still feel like Peter when Jesus asked His disciples if they wanted to leave after hearing a difficult teaching (John 6). Peter said, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God." There is nowhere else to turn; no one else who can help.
Because so many of my thoughts are prayers of desperation, I am fully ready to praise Him for any good, but fully ready to blame Him for any bad. I'm angry because I know He can wipe this away with a word, but He hasn't. I have never found myself in this place before. My thinking: it's fine if He doesn't answer prayers on my behalf. I can handle that. But, to refrain from answering prayers on behalf of an innocent child? Now, that's injustice! Immediately following those thoughts are prayers for forgiveness. I tell Him that I'm so sorry for thinking that way. I confess that I'm a lousy Christian and ask Him to renew my mind and give me peace through this trial. I speak back to Him His words from Isaiah 55:9, "Your ways are higher than my ways, and your thoughts are higher than my thoughts" (see also Job 38-42).
I wonder if my spirit would be so weak if I were getting enough sleep. When I'm physically exhausted, my spirit is broken. This is also hard because I'm an extrovert. But, it's easier to stay home alone because I never know when her gas is going to cause her to scream. I miss the social interaction that I used to thrive on. I don't invite people over because I get so anxious when she starts screaming, and it makes me uncomfortable to be around people. I haven't even been to the grocery store one time since she's been born because I don't want to have to leave a cart full of groceries in the middle of the store. Besides that, when her gas is really bad, if we try to feed her (breast or bottle), it looks like we're torturing her. She arches her back and screams and chokes. Who wants to do that out in public and invite looks or comments from those nearby? And, everybody wants to hold the baby, But she cries if she's not held in ways that makes her comfortable. So, my skin crawls when someone asks to hold her because I know what's going to happen. Then, when I take her and hold her in a way that I've learned makes her comfortable, she stops crying. Because of this, I've had a couple of people say that she's spoiled! And, I can't leave her in the church nursery like this. I can't expect every person in there to know "the hold" that comforts her, or to give all their attention to her when there's so many other kids to care for. So, pretty much every Sunday I go to church and end up sitting in the bathroom with her the whole time.
Now, I realize this all sounds pretty dramatic. I mean, on a scale of 0-10 (0 = a perfectly easy baby, 9 = a baby with a terminal illness, 10 = no baby) Beulah is a 1. I mean, it's only gas, right? She won't even remember this when she's older. How could some gas tear a family apart? That just sounds silly! But, I'm here to tell you--it can. I don't talk about it much because unless you've been there, you don't understand. It's like my cousin said after watching Beulah for an hour one day, "I thought you were exaggerating!" I think a lot of people think I'm exaggerating. But after spending a week with me and seeing what I go through on a daily basis, my mom has offered to come stay with me for a week every month until Beulah outgrows this.
The first time I took a car ride alone with Beulah, she was in her car seat in the back screaming her precious head off. It was the first time I didn't rush to her to meet her need. I couldn't. She started making the most pitiful, heartbroken sounds. It was killing me. I tried talking to her and telling her that everything was OK. I said, "I love you, baby. I know it doesn't look like it right now because I'm not rushing to meet your need, but I promise I love you! When we get there I'll hug you and love on you." In that moment I realized, I'm in the car seat and God is driving the car. He responded, "I love you, Michelle. I know it doesn't look like it right now because I'm not rushing to meet your need, but I promise I love you! When it's time, I'll answer your prayers." My mom got a similar message from God when she asked Him to heal Beulah. He said to her, "What if I don't want to? I have a reason for this. Just trust me."
I've tried to figure out the reason. For a while we thought it might be a spiritual attack. God got glory for Beulah's miraculous conception. What better way to steal His glory than to tear us apart after she's born? Or, maybe it's a test of faith. Will I still trust Him if my child is in pain (for more on this see Redemption Day, #2)? That could be the reason. But, last night I think He gave me my answer. God said, "You're going to spend her whole life angry at Me if you keep praying/expecting things to be perfect. This is a fallen world. She's going to experience pain and heartache. Get used to it and learn how to deal with it." Then, I realized that I've been praying all wrong. I mean, this could be so much worse than it is (see the scale from 0-10 above). Instead of asking Him to right every wrong, I need to be focusing on the bigger picture. Instead of getting angry, I need to make myself vulnerable, lay down at His feet, and trust that He has our family's best interest at heart (Jeremiah 29:11). I should be asking Him for the grace to handle what comes my way in a manner that brings glory to Him. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."
I'm thankful to have a new direction for my prayers and excited to see how God's going to grow us and use this for His glory. I've been embarrassed to talk about our struggles before now. Aren't new parents supposed to be nothing but happy? I had heard of colicky babies, but had never talked to anybody who had one. My pride wouldn't let me admit that Beulah was a difficult baby. No one wants to think their baby has a problem. And, it seemed like everyone else could handle their babies. What's wrong with me? I must not be as strong as them. But, as I've started to open up about it, I'm amazed at how many people have been through similar hardships with their infants. When I opened up to some friends about it, I told them that I felt silly being so defeated by this. One friend who had a difficult baby pulled me aside and said, "It's hard. It's OK to admit that it's hard. Just because it's not a terminal illness doesn't mean it's not hard." Thanks, Courtney. I needed that.
If you had a difficult baby, open up and reach out to new parents. Hopefully someone will be encouraged by your transparency.
Day after day I watch my baby cry out in pain. Her little body has such painful gas that (so far) no prayer, chiropractor, doctor, or medicine has helped. Suddenly, my sweet smiling baby will scream out, and at times nothing and no one can comfort her. There are days when she's in so much pain that we can't get her to eat or sleep. On those days, all we can do to calm her is walk around the house carrying her for hours or take her outside. On my better days, I have so much compassion and love for her that I could walk forever just to comfort her. But after days of this or nights of her waking up every other hour, I get tired, my spirit (and body) gets weak, and I just get angry.
Since she was born, pretty much every thought in my head has been a prayer on her behalf. "God I know you love her more than I do, but as the one you've entrusted to care for this angel, I ask you to heal your child...help her to pass this gas...help her to poop...help her to sleep...give her peace...have mercy on this innocent child..." Sometimes He answers with haste, other times--silence. And, sometimes I will thank Him for something that IS going right, but immediately afterwards the opposite happens. Those days when I'm worn out and He's silent, that's when Andy comes home to a crying baby and a crying, angry wife. But, at the end of my rope, I still feel like Peter when Jesus asked His disciples if they wanted to leave after hearing a difficult teaching (John 6). Peter said, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God." There is nowhere else to turn; no one else who can help.
Because so many of my thoughts are prayers of desperation, I am fully ready to praise Him for any good, but fully ready to blame Him for any bad. I'm angry because I know He can wipe this away with a word, but He hasn't. I have never found myself in this place before. My thinking: it's fine if He doesn't answer prayers on my behalf. I can handle that. But, to refrain from answering prayers on behalf of an innocent child? Now, that's injustice! Immediately following those thoughts are prayers for forgiveness. I tell Him that I'm so sorry for thinking that way. I confess that I'm a lousy Christian and ask Him to renew my mind and give me peace through this trial. I speak back to Him His words from Isaiah 55:9, "Your ways are higher than my ways, and your thoughts are higher than my thoughts" (see also Job 38-42).
I wonder if my spirit would be so weak if I were getting enough sleep. When I'm physically exhausted, my spirit is broken. This is also hard because I'm an extrovert. But, it's easier to stay home alone because I never know when her gas is going to cause her to scream. I miss the social interaction that I used to thrive on. I don't invite people over because I get so anxious when she starts screaming, and it makes me uncomfortable to be around people. I haven't even been to the grocery store one time since she's been born because I don't want to have to leave a cart full of groceries in the middle of the store. Besides that, when her gas is really bad, if we try to feed her (breast or bottle), it looks like we're torturing her. She arches her back and screams and chokes. Who wants to do that out in public and invite looks or comments from those nearby? And, everybody wants to hold the baby, But she cries if she's not held in ways that makes her comfortable. So, my skin crawls when someone asks to hold her because I know what's going to happen. Then, when I take her and hold her in a way that I've learned makes her comfortable, she stops crying. Because of this, I've had a couple of people say that she's spoiled! And, I can't leave her in the church nursery like this. I can't expect every person in there to know "the hold" that comforts her, or to give all their attention to her when there's so many other kids to care for. So, pretty much every Sunday I go to church and end up sitting in the bathroom with her the whole time.
Now, I realize this all sounds pretty dramatic. I mean, on a scale of 0-10 (0 = a perfectly easy baby, 9 = a baby with a terminal illness, 10 = no baby) Beulah is a 1. I mean, it's only gas, right? She won't even remember this when she's older. How could some gas tear a family apart? That just sounds silly! But, I'm here to tell you--it can. I don't talk about it much because unless you've been there, you don't understand. It's like my cousin said after watching Beulah for an hour one day, "I thought you were exaggerating!" I think a lot of people think I'm exaggerating. But after spending a week with me and seeing what I go through on a daily basis, my mom has offered to come stay with me for a week every month until Beulah outgrows this.
The first time I took a car ride alone with Beulah, she was in her car seat in the back screaming her precious head off. It was the first time I didn't rush to her to meet her need. I couldn't. She started making the most pitiful, heartbroken sounds. It was killing me. I tried talking to her and telling her that everything was OK. I said, "I love you, baby. I know it doesn't look like it right now because I'm not rushing to meet your need, but I promise I love you! When we get there I'll hug you and love on you." In that moment I realized, I'm in the car seat and God is driving the car. He responded, "I love you, Michelle. I know it doesn't look like it right now because I'm not rushing to meet your need, but I promise I love you! When it's time, I'll answer your prayers." My mom got a similar message from God when she asked Him to heal Beulah. He said to her, "What if I don't want to? I have a reason for this. Just trust me."
I've tried to figure out the reason. For a while we thought it might be a spiritual attack. God got glory for Beulah's miraculous conception. What better way to steal His glory than to tear us apart after she's born? Or, maybe it's a test of faith. Will I still trust Him if my child is in pain (for more on this see Redemption Day, #2)? That could be the reason. But, last night I think He gave me my answer. God said, "You're going to spend her whole life angry at Me if you keep praying/expecting things to be perfect. This is a fallen world. She's going to experience pain and heartache. Get used to it and learn how to deal with it." Then, I realized that I've been praying all wrong. I mean, this could be so much worse than it is (see the scale from 0-10 above). Instead of asking Him to right every wrong, I need to be focusing on the bigger picture. Instead of getting angry, I need to make myself vulnerable, lay down at His feet, and trust that He has our family's best interest at heart (Jeremiah 29:11). I should be asking Him for the grace to handle what comes my way in a manner that brings glory to Him. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."
I'm thankful to have a new direction for my prayers and excited to see how God's going to grow us and use this for His glory. I've been embarrassed to talk about our struggles before now. Aren't new parents supposed to be nothing but happy? I had heard of colicky babies, but had never talked to anybody who had one. My pride wouldn't let me admit that Beulah was a difficult baby. No one wants to think their baby has a problem. And, it seemed like everyone else could handle their babies. What's wrong with me? I must not be as strong as them. But, as I've started to open up about it, I'm amazed at how many people have been through similar hardships with their infants. When I opened up to some friends about it, I told them that I felt silly being so defeated by this. One friend who had a difficult baby pulled me aside and said, "It's hard. It's OK to admit that it's hard. Just because it's not a terminal illness doesn't mean it's not hard." Thanks, Courtney. I needed that.
If you had a difficult baby, open up and reach out to new parents. Hopefully someone will be encouraged by your transparency.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Redemption Day!
I am officially renaming Mother's Day "Redemption Day" starting this year. If you have followed my infertility and adoption blog, you know that Mother's Day has been a day of dread for me for six years. Four years ago on Mother's Day I thought I would "buck up" and go to church to help hand out flowers and serve muffins to the moms there. That wasn't the best idea. The next year I didn't go to church on Mother's Day because I didn't want to have to stay seated if the moms were asked to stand to be recognized. Two years ago I thought it'd be easier if I spent Mother's Day with my mom. It helped to focus on her instead of me. Last year was even better as we were awaiting a child through adoption. Even though I wasn't actually a "mom" on Mother's Day, I was close enough to celebrate in faith that I would be soon.
Now, in 2009, God has not only blessed me with a precious baby, this Sunday we will have the privilege of baptizing her on the day that has haunted me for so long. I can't think of a more perfect redemption than that! (In case you're interested or just curious, here is some literature regarding infant baptism, and here is a sermon by Pastor Skip MacMillan of our church, Eternal, in Fort Mill.)
Late at night, as I'm feeding my precious little girl, I tell her about all the years we've waited for her. I tell her the story of how she got here and what a miracle she is, and I can't help but weep. Then I praise God for his grace in allowing me to be the mother of this child that He has already used to bring glory to Himself, and I pray that her little life would always be "to the praise of His glory." (Ephesians 1:11-14)
The greatest lessons I've learned in the short time I've been a mom are 1) we are not in control, and 2) love for your child is different than any love you've ever known.
1) As individuals, especially as adults, we deceive ourselves by thinking we have some sort of control over our lives. We can make things go the way we want to some extent. But, as a parent you realize what little control you actually have. You can't make your newborn eat. You can't take away her pain. You can't...(Insert your own experience here.) You have no choice but to pray and trust that He will help your little one in ways that you can't. The good news is, He will! He hears your prayers on their behalf, and His mercies are new everyday! Praise the LORD!
2) You've known love for your parents, siblings, other family and friends, your spouse, but love for a child...that's a new sort of love that can't really be described. I think my mom said it best. As she was holding her new grand-baby, she said, "God has to condition our hearts for this, because if He didn't, it'd burst right open." When I hear that people are in pain, I feel bad for them and try to pray for them, but when my baby is in pain, I cry and beg God for mercy on her behalf. Beulah has been having some intestinal issues. As she was crying out in pain last night and we were asking God for help, God said, "Now you know how I felt watching my Son on the Cross." Woah. How's that for perspective? And He endured that for us? I didn't really understand that pain until I experienced love for my own child.
There is nothing like the moment when your infant looks into your eyes and smiles with recognition. The first time your baby stops crying when she is put in your arms will melt your heart. And when she's older and she comes running to you crying when she's sick or hurt...that's what makes you her mama.
Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there. To those of you who are still waiting, I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel OK about Mother's Day approaching. So, I will just say, I love you and am praying for your Redemption Day. If you need to talk, I am here.
Thanks, Matt Mow, for the amazing photo!
Now, in 2009, God has not only blessed me with a precious baby, this Sunday we will have the privilege of baptizing her on the day that has haunted me for so long. I can't think of a more perfect redemption than that! (In case you're interested or just curious, here is some literature regarding infant baptism, and here is a sermon by Pastor Skip MacMillan of our church, Eternal, in Fort Mill.)
Late at night, as I'm feeding my precious little girl, I tell her about all the years we've waited for her. I tell her the story of how she got here and what a miracle she is, and I can't help but weep. Then I praise God for his grace in allowing me to be the mother of this child that He has already used to bring glory to Himself, and I pray that her little life would always be "to the praise of His glory." (Ephesians 1:11-14)
The greatest lessons I've learned in the short time I've been a mom are 1) we are not in control, and 2) love for your child is different than any love you've ever known.
1) As individuals, especially as adults, we deceive ourselves by thinking we have some sort of control over our lives. We can make things go the way we want to some extent. But, as a parent you realize what little control you actually have. You can't make your newborn eat. You can't take away her pain. You can't...(Insert your own experience here.) You have no choice but to pray and trust that He will help your little one in ways that you can't. The good news is, He will! He hears your prayers on their behalf, and His mercies are new everyday! Praise the LORD!
2) You've known love for your parents, siblings, other family and friends, your spouse, but love for a child...that's a new sort of love that can't really be described. I think my mom said it best. As she was holding her new grand-baby, she said, "God has to condition our hearts for this, because if He didn't, it'd burst right open." When I hear that people are in pain, I feel bad for them and try to pray for them, but when my baby is in pain, I cry and beg God for mercy on her behalf. Beulah has been having some intestinal issues. As she was crying out in pain last night and we were asking God for help, God said, "Now you know how I felt watching my Son on the Cross." Woah. How's that for perspective? And He endured that for us? I didn't really understand that pain until I experienced love for my own child.
There is nothing like the moment when your infant looks into your eyes and smiles with recognition. The first time your baby stops crying when she is put in your arms will melt your heart. And when she's older and she comes running to you crying when she's sick or hurt...that's what makes you her mama.
Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there. To those of you who are still waiting, I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel OK about Mother's Day approaching. So, I will just say, I love you and am praying for your Redemption Day. If you need to talk, I am here.
Thanks, Matt Mow, for the amazing photo!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Sweet Angel
HELLO! I am finally poking my head out of my shell to share some pictures of my sweet angel, straight from Heaven! Thank you all for your calls, texts, e-mails, cards, food, gifts, etc. I'm sorry I have not responded before now. It is certainly no reflection of how we feel about you all. We are so grateful for you and are eager to share with you this miracle that you've prayed with us for.
Whenever I see a newborn, I think, "How did that baby fit in that belly?" I thought the same thing when I saw Beulah. Then, she curled up in this position and I could see. This is one of my favorite pictures because this is how she was in my belly.
Beulah is the most beautiful and amazing baby. We have spent the past four weeks getting to know each other and learning how to care for each other. I'll post the details about all that later. For now, I just want to share my girl with you! She is such a good baby! Praise the LORD! She only cries when she needs something, and a couple of her cries are the cutest I've ever heard. I wish I could accurately describe them with words. I want to get a video tape of them, but when it's happening I'm not really thinking about finding the video camera. :) She hates getting her diaper changed, so when she gets upset we give her a paci. Her cry then turns to this precious little chug and grunt, almost like she's trying really hard NOT to cry. It's SO cute! The other cute cry is when she's had a little food but wants you to know she's not quite finished yet. She roars like a baby tigress. Precious!
Beulah loves sleeping on her daddy's chest. She loves playing bicycle with her mama. We have really enjoyed this special time with her. Of course, there have been challenges (mostly with feeding), but we're figuring it out...with a lot of prayer and patience. Beulah tends to eat more than the average baby. After dropping down to 6 lbs. the first week, she's now up to 8 lbs.! She's growing a double chin that we're very proud of. She has a crazy strong neck and has been lifting her head since day one. We have to be careful that she doesn't sling her floppy body out of our arms when she throws her heavy head around! And as beautiful as she is, she's also a very gassy baby. She burps and toots like a man!
We thank God for the help of our moms. My mom (Ninnie) came the 2nd week. Andy's mom (Nana) came the 3rd week, then Ninnie came back again for the 4th week. Their help and encouragement has been invaluable in this transition. There's something about grandmothers...they can just hold the baby and she falls asleep immediately. They have the touch!
Here's our girl! Welcome to the world, baby girl!
Whenever I see a newborn, I think, "How did that baby fit in that belly?" I thought the same thing when I saw Beulah. Then, she curled up in this position and I could see. This is one of my favorite pictures because this is how she was in my belly.
Beulah is the most beautiful and amazing baby. We have spent the past four weeks getting to know each other and learning how to care for each other. I'll post the details about all that later. For now, I just want to share my girl with you! She is such a good baby! Praise the LORD! She only cries when she needs something, and a couple of her cries are the cutest I've ever heard. I wish I could accurately describe them with words. I want to get a video tape of them, but when it's happening I'm not really thinking about finding the video camera. :) She hates getting her diaper changed, so when she gets upset we give her a paci. Her cry then turns to this precious little chug and grunt, almost like she's trying really hard NOT to cry. It's SO cute! The other cute cry is when she's had a little food but wants you to know she's not quite finished yet. She roars like a baby tigress. Precious!
Beulah loves sleeping on her daddy's chest. She loves playing bicycle with her mama. We have really enjoyed this special time with her. Of course, there have been challenges (mostly with feeding), but we're figuring it out...with a lot of prayer and patience. Beulah tends to eat more than the average baby. After dropping down to 6 lbs. the first week, she's now up to 8 lbs.! She's growing a double chin that we're very proud of. She has a crazy strong neck and has been lifting her head since day one. We have to be careful that she doesn't sling her floppy body out of our arms when she throws her heavy head around! And as beautiful as she is, she's also a very gassy baby. She burps and toots like a man!
We thank God for the help of our moms. My mom (Ninnie) came the 2nd week. Andy's mom (Nana) came the 3rd week, then Ninnie came back again for the 4th week. Their help and encouragement has been invaluable in this transition. There's something about grandmothers...they can just hold the baby and she falls asleep immediately. They have the touch!
Here's our girl! Welcome to the world, baby girl!
Friday, April 3, 2009
Final Thoughts Before D-Day!
1. One day while I was praying for Beulah, I asked God to help me to be a selfless mother. I don't want tiredness or my own selfish desires to effect the way I respond to or show love to Beulah. So, in my prayer I said, "Help me to be all about HER." Then, like a slap to the back of my hand, I almost audibly heard Him say, "Don't you mean, 'Help me to be all about YOU?'" My heart sank. How easy it is to forget the proper order of things.
I then started to think about all of the problems that come from putting your children before God. After teaching in the pubic schools, it's easy to spot that misalignment simply by the way the child believes s/he is the center of everybody's universe (not just his/her parents' universe). They experience a tremendous amount of frustration and confusion when they realize that they will never be the center or anyone else's universe (until they're married or have children of their own). When they think it's all about them, they don't understand when their teacher, coach, boss, etc. doesn't put them on a pedestal like mommy and daddy do. But, if we put God at the center of our universe, the child sees that and realizes there's something greater than him/her. Modeling the behavior we want our children to emulate is one of the greatest teaching tools we have. It would be very easy for me to blindly allow that misalignment to happen in our family after waiting so many years to be a mommy. So, I will have to constantly check my priorities once she's here.
2. God has set the precedent for parenthood from before Beulah was even conceived. Because of our experiences with infertility, we have learned that we are not in control, He is. When we thought we may be in danger because of Vesa Previa, we had to rely on prayer and His grace for healing. When the placenta lakes were found and the doctors told us they may have to take her early, we had to trust His sovereignty. When the doctors told me I had to keep watch over fetal movement as a result of bleeding, He showed me that He loves her more than I do, and I won't have to worry. Her life is in the LORD's hands, the most capable hands. Besides that fact that I am not in control, that He loves her more than me, and that she is His child, it's comforting to know that He knit her together in my womb. (Psalm 119)
3. Despite my desire to deliver her naturally, God has given me such a peace about having a c-section. Thank you for your prayers about this. As disappointed as we were not to get to meet her Thursday, we were also very thankful for the extra couple of days. We had worked so hard to get the house ready for her homecoming that we were worn out and tense on Thursday morning, even though we didn't realize it until we came down from our high of thinking we were going to get to hold our daughter in our arms that day. But, God knew. In his sovereign mercy, He gave us a couple of extra days of rest. And, as I showered tonight in preparation for tomorrow, I felt so relaxed, calm, excited, and peaceful. I couldn't be more thankful to our God who knows our every need and works everything out for our good. What a loving God He is! Even when we don't understand what's happening at the time, we can trust His love and sovereignty.
4. I'm going to meet my daughter tomorrow!! (Hopefully!)
I then started to think about all of the problems that come from putting your children before God. After teaching in the pubic schools, it's easy to spot that misalignment simply by the way the child believes s/he is the center of everybody's universe (not just his/her parents' universe). They experience a tremendous amount of frustration and confusion when they realize that they will never be the center or anyone else's universe (until they're married or have children of their own). When they think it's all about them, they don't understand when their teacher, coach, boss, etc. doesn't put them on a pedestal like mommy and daddy do. But, if we put God at the center of our universe, the child sees that and realizes there's something greater than him/her. Modeling the behavior we want our children to emulate is one of the greatest teaching tools we have. It would be very easy for me to blindly allow that misalignment to happen in our family after waiting so many years to be a mommy. So, I will have to constantly check my priorities once she's here.
2. God has set the precedent for parenthood from before Beulah was even conceived. Because of our experiences with infertility, we have learned that we are not in control, He is. When we thought we may be in danger because of Vesa Previa, we had to rely on prayer and His grace for healing. When the placenta lakes were found and the doctors told us they may have to take her early, we had to trust His sovereignty. When the doctors told me I had to keep watch over fetal movement as a result of bleeding, He showed me that He loves her more than I do, and I won't have to worry. Her life is in the LORD's hands, the most capable hands. Besides that fact that I am not in control, that He loves her more than me, and that she is His child, it's comforting to know that He knit her together in my womb. (Psalm 119)
3. Despite my desire to deliver her naturally, God has given me such a peace about having a c-section. Thank you for your prayers about this. As disappointed as we were not to get to meet her Thursday, we were also very thankful for the extra couple of days. We had worked so hard to get the house ready for her homecoming that we were worn out and tense on Thursday morning, even though we didn't realize it until we came down from our high of thinking we were going to get to hold our daughter in our arms that day. But, God knew. In his sovereign mercy, He gave us a couple of extra days of rest. And, as I showered tonight in preparation for tomorrow, I felt so relaxed, calm, excited, and peaceful. I couldn't be more thankful to our God who knows our every need and works everything out for our good. What a loving God He is! Even when we don't understand what's happening at the time, we can trust His love and sovereignty.
4. I'm going to meet my daughter tomorrow!! (Hopefully!)
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Postponed!
Humph...well, folks, the c-section has been postponed till Saturday. Apparently God wasn't ready for Beulah to come into the world today, so He created so much chaos in the Operating Room that there wasn't even a room for me to stay in today! So, we'll do it all again Saturday. At least we've gotten the house ready and I can rest my fat feet now for a couple more days. :) And, Beulah has a couple more days to "cook". That's always good. As my friend Christie said, "God must have something up his sleeve!" It's all in His control. Love to you all, and thanks for the prayers!!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
TOMORROW!!!
I can't believe that tomorrow I will be holding my daughter in my arms!!! Pray for a safe arrival into the world. Come back sometime after lunch to see some pictures!! Love you all! Thanks to those who have already been praying!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Deadline!!
I had my 37 week appointment Friday. Yay! We're officially full term! Praise God!! Since Beulah has still not turned, the Doctor scheduled a c-section for Thursday, April 2nd. As soon as he left the room, I looked at Andy and said, "OK, God's got a deadline now!" :)
I have to admit, I went through a sort of grieving process (for the potential loss of labor) Friday and Saturday morning. I didn't call or talk to anybody because I knew what everyone was going to say. I KNEW what I SHOULD be thinking and feeling. "She'll get here in the perfect way God has planned." "When it's over and you see that healthy baby girl, you won't care how she got here!" "The important thing is that you're both safe." I knew I SHOULD be thinking and feeling that way, but I just couldn't make myself.
Some women have said that I'm lucky not to have to labor. They say they wish they could have just been wheeled in for surgery and not have had to go through the hours of work. So, why would I want to labor and need to grieve the loss of it? Crazy or not, honestly I was looking forward to doing the work and that moment of climax when she is born, feeling SO much relief and joy that's she's here and the work is done. Not to mention the fact that God moved my placenta out of the way and has prepared my body for a successful vaginal delivery. Plus, with my background in dance and knowledge of the body, I was looking forward to the physical challenge.
I've talked to several women, close friends and family, that labored for hours, only to end in a c-section. Those women went through a period of grief for their birth experience afterwards. I think it's natural and important to allow women to grieve without guilt. It's a loss for the experience the way God created it. Of course, it wouldn't be good to sit in the grief for too long or to overreact about it (whatever that looks like), but healthy grieving can be important and necessary.
Fortunately, Andy recognized my need to grieve, and prayed with me about it Friday. Saturday morning, I showed my weakness to two moms from church that I respect and admire. While they tried to encourage me, I still could not force myself to feel different. But, about an hour later, as I was being treated to a pedicure (see below) by Beulah's "aunt Danielle" and filling her in on "the plan", I started to get excited! There was an unexplainable difference in my attitude and feelings as I talked about meeting my sweet baby girl in a week and a half!! I could literally FEEL the prayers that Andy and those two moms had prayed for me, and thank God, He lifted what I could not.
I had to surrender MY will and the desires of my heart to God and His sovereignty. I KNOW He knows what's best and I trust that He has His reasons, even if I never know them. Who knows, He could be protecting us from something much worse! There are, after-all, some positive aspects to all this.
1. I have had time to grieve the loss of natural delivery BEFORE my baby comes, rather than after (which is the case for many women).
2. I feel GREAT! I'm pretty sure it's because I don't have a head in my pelvis or feet in my ribs. :)
3. This method is much more predictable and makes planning easy.
4. I will get to sleep through the night next Wednesday (as much as possible with aches, anxiety and excitement), wake up, calmly go to the hospital and meet my baby that morning! Then, I have the rest of the day with her, our parents and siblings.
5. I will meet my baby in a week and a half (after almost 7 years of waiting)!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait!!
Now, does that mean we stop praying that she will turn? NO! If He wants to, God could still turn her before next Thursday! If He does that, I will consider it ANOTHER miracle! If you look at the picture below, Beulah is sitting in the Frank Breech position and has been for quite a while. I can't even IMAGINE how my little chunker could turn from that position with the lack of space she has in there. She seems quite comfortable and doesn't listen to our reason and logic about why she should turn. :) So, it would actually take the hand of God to guide her to the head down position. The statistics say that only 3-4% of babies are still breech by this point in pregnancy. And, as the high risk doctor told us, babies have typically declared their position by now. But, what does God care about statistics? If He wants to, He'll turn her. I know that for sure!
I've never been a girlie girl. I've had MAYBE three pedicures my whole life. Green is my favorite color, and I've typically avoided pink. But, when you're pregnant with a little girl, you can't help but think of her when you see pink. So, I chose pink as my toenail color in honor of her arrival. :)
Look at that Belly! This was taken at 36.5 weeks.
I have to admit, I went through a sort of grieving process (for the potential loss of labor) Friday and Saturday morning. I didn't call or talk to anybody because I knew what everyone was going to say. I KNEW what I SHOULD be thinking and feeling. "She'll get here in the perfect way God has planned." "When it's over and you see that healthy baby girl, you won't care how she got here!" "The important thing is that you're both safe." I knew I SHOULD be thinking and feeling that way, but I just couldn't make myself.
Some women have said that I'm lucky not to have to labor. They say they wish they could have just been wheeled in for surgery and not have had to go through the hours of work. So, why would I want to labor and need to grieve the loss of it? Crazy or not, honestly I was looking forward to doing the work and that moment of climax when she is born, feeling SO much relief and joy that's she's here and the work is done. Not to mention the fact that God moved my placenta out of the way and has prepared my body for a successful vaginal delivery. Plus, with my background in dance and knowledge of the body, I was looking forward to the physical challenge.
I've talked to several women, close friends and family, that labored for hours, only to end in a c-section. Those women went through a period of grief for their birth experience afterwards. I think it's natural and important to allow women to grieve without guilt. It's a loss for the experience the way God created it. Of course, it wouldn't be good to sit in the grief for too long or to overreact about it (whatever that looks like), but healthy grieving can be important and necessary.
Fortunately, Andy recognized my need to grieve, and prayed with me about it Friday. Saturday morning, I showed my weakness to two moms from church that I respect and admire. While they tried to encourage me, I still could not force myself to feel different. But, about an hour later, as I was being treated to a pedicure (see below) by Beulah's "aunt Danielle" and filling her in on "the plan", I started to get excited! There was an unexplainable difference in my attitude and feelings as I talked about meeting my sweet baby girl in a week and a half!! I could literally FEEL the prayers that Andy and those two moms had prayed for me, and thank God, He lifted what I could not.
I had to surrender MY will and the desires of my heart to God and His sovereignty. I KNOW He knows what's best and I trust that He has His reasons, even if I never know them. Who knows, He could be protecting us from something much worse! There are, after-all, some positive aspects to all this.
1. I have had time to grieve the loss of natural delivery BEFORE my baby comes, rather than after (which is the case for many women).
2. I feel GREAT! I'm pretty sure it's because I don't have a head in my pelvis or feet in my ribs. :)
3. This method is much more predictable and makes planning easy.
4. I will get to sleep through the night next Wednesday (as much as possible with aches, anxiety and excitement), wake up, calmly go to the hospital and meet my baby that morning! Then, I have the rest of the day with her, our parents and siblings.
5. I will meet my baby in a week and a half (after almost 7 years of waiting)!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait!!
Now, does that mean we stop praying that she will turn? NO! If He wants to, God could still turn her before next Thursday! If He does that, I will consider it ANOTHER miracle! If you look at the picture below, Beulah is sitting in the Frank Breech position and has been for quite a while. I can't even IMAGINE how my little chunker could turn from that position with the lack of space she has in there. She seems quite comfortable and doesn't listen to our reason and logic about why she should turn. :) So, it would actually take the hand of God to guide her to the head down position. The statistics say that only 3-4% of babies are still breech by this point in pregnancy. And, as the high risk doctor told us, babies have typically declared their position by now. But, what does God care about statistics? If He wants to, He'll turn her. I know that for sure!
I've never been a girlie girl. I've had MAYBE three pedicures my whole life. Green is my favorite color, and I've typically avoided pink. But, when you're pregnant with a little girl, you can't help but think of her when you see pink. So, I chose pink as my toenail color in honor of her arrival. :)
Look at that Belly! This was taken at 36.5 weeks.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Pray with Us
Today I am 35+ weeks. Saturday I will be 36 weeks; NINE MONTHS PREGNANT!!! Unbelievable!!
We started our appointment with an ultrasound to see if Beulah has turned. I knew she hadn't, but I was excited to see her again anyway. We were SHOCKED to hear that our "little" girl has gained more than a pound in less than two weeks!! She is weighing in at a whopping 6 lbs 3 oz!! The tech said she's going to come out will fat rolls!! Check out this beautiful picture of her FAT little cheeks! I had fat cheeks 'til I graduated college. Guess she's going to take after her mama!
This is a straight on shot of her face. Her eyes are faded into the dark top, so you're looking at her nose, lips and CHEEKS!! What a little chunker!!
She is still sitting with her bottom at the bottom of my uterus and her head at the top. Her LONG gorgeous legs (measuring at 39 weeks!) are straight up in front of her face. :) She's a flexible little bugger; again, like her mama!
The doctor recommended doing an external cephalic version TOMORROW, before she gets any bigger! Basically, I would have to go to the hospital, be put on an IV, medicated to relax the uterus, and the doctors would turn Beulah with their hands, externally. They would have to monitor her heart rate and my fluid, and if there were any signs of complications (cord entanglement, etc.), they would have to go ahead and take her. There is only a 50% success rate, and even less with first time moms.
Because of the risks involved, the drugs required, the stats, and the fact that we want to leave it in God's hands, we decided against the version. We are stepping out on faith and trusting that God knows what's best. We believe whole heartedly that He can turn her and do a better job than the doctors. We also believe that He is sovereign over her birth. If I have to have a c-section because she doesn't turn, we believe He has His reasons for that. We would LOVE to see Him turn her (against all odds) and get all the glory for it rather than the doctors. So, we ask that you pray for that with us. She is currently only consuming the space from my mid-line to the left of my uterus. It appears that she has plenty of space to use the right side of my uterus, and she is VERY active (see video taken this week--35 weeks). So, there is no reason to believe she is settled into her birth position yet...not to mention we serve a God who specializes in the "impossible!" :)
Beulah moving 35 weeks from Michelle Crissinger on Vimeo.
I bust out laughing at the end because Andy was watching with his mouth hanging open saying, "Woah!!!!!"
We started our appointment with an ultrasound to see if Beulah has turned. I knew she hadn't, but I was excited to see her again anyway. We were SHOCKED to hear that our "little" girl has gained more than a pound in less than two weeks!! She is weighing in at a whopping 6 lbs 3 oz!! The tech said she's going to come out will fat rolls!! Check out this beautiful picture of her FAT little cheeks! I had fat cheeks 'til I graduated college. Guess she's going to take after her mama!
This is a straight on shot of her face. Her eyes are faded into the dark top, so you're looking at her nose, lips and CHEEKS!! What a little chunker!!
She is still sitting with her bottom at the bottom of my uterus and her head at the top. Her LONG gorgeous legs (measuring at 39 weeks!) are straight up in front of her face. :) She's a flexible little bugger; again, like her mama!
The doctor recommended doing an external cephalic version TOMORROW, before she gets any bigger! Basically, I would have to go to the hospital, be put on an IV, medicated to relax the uterus, and the doctors would turn Beulah with their hands, externally. They would have to monitor her heart rate and my fluid, and if there were any signs of complications (cord entanglement, etc.), they would have to go ahead and take her. There is only a 50% success rate, and even less with first time moms.
Because of the risks involved, the drugs required, the stats, and the fact that we want to leave it in God's hands, we decided against the version. We are stepping out on faith and trusting that God knows what's best. We believe whole heartedly that He can turn her and do a better job than the doctors. We also believe that He is sovereign over her birth. If I have to have a c-section because she doesn't turn, we believe He has His reasons for that. We would LOVE to see Him turn her (against all odds) and get all the glory for it rather than the doctors. So, we ask that you pray for that with us. She is currently only consuming the space from my mid-line to the left of my uterus. It appears that she has plenty of space to use the right side of my uterus, and she is VERY active (see video taken this week--35 weeks). So, there is no reason to believe she is settled into her birth position yet...not to mention we serve a God who specializes in the "impossible!" :)
Beulah moving 35 weeks from Michelle Crissinger on Vimeo.
I bust out laughing at the end because Andy was watching with his mouth hanging open saying, "Woah!!!!!"
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Turn Around, Bright Eyes
We've known for a while that Beulah was breech. I mean, when I get up in the middle of the night, I can feel her head up in my ribs, almost like she's standing straight up! I keep telling her there's more room "down there" for her head to grow, but she's not listening to me. :) Monday, the high risk doctor told us that at this point babies are pretty much settled into their birth position.
So, we're praying she turns very soon. I mean, the placenta has moved out of the way completely and everything is in place for me to have a natural birth...except Beulah. While I will be more than thrilled to meet her no matter how she gets here, and I trust that God is sovereign over her birth, I pray that I will be able to experience a natural birth. I went online and looked at several different methods recommended to help a breech baby turn. If I'm not careful, I could get obsessed trying them all and thinking about it all the time. So, while I'm praying that she will turn, I'm also praying that I can remember that I am not in control and I can trust God in whatever happens. I appreciate your prayers about this too.
So, we're praying she turns very soon. I mean, the placenta has moved out of the way completely and everything is in place for me to have a natural birth...except Beulah. While I will be more than thrilled to meet her no matter how she gets here, and I trust that God is sovereign over her birth, I pray that I will be able to experience a natural birth. I went online and looked at several different methods recommended to help a breech baby turn. If I'm not careful, I could get obsessed trying them all and thinking about it all the time. So, while I'm praying that she will turn, I'm also praying that I can remember that I am not in control and I can trust God in whatever happens. I appreciate your prayers about this too.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Our Crazy Day!
I'll start from the beginning.
7:00 AM - I woke up to discover that I had been bleeding in the night. Andy (calm and collected-thank God!) called the doctor.
7:11 - The midwife on call returned the call, asked questions, and recommended I call the ob-gyn when the office opened at 8:00 to see if they could fit me in today.
8:00 - I called the ob-gyn and got an appointment for 9:45.
9:45 - We saw the midwife, who asked a bunch of questions and did an exam. She said she didn't see any active (red) bleeding. It all looked like old (brown) blood, which is good. The doppler showed that Beulah's heartbeat was strong! But, she recommended we have an ultrasound to look at the placenta.
10:30 - The ultrasound showed Beulah playing with her sweet little toes! Too cute! She said Beulah has "chubby toes" and is weighing in at 4 lbs 15 oz!! She's a big girl! She looked great, and wasn't in distress at all. She is breech, but that's another story. However, the view of the placenta showed some dark spots. As she was looking at them, she said, "It looks like you're going to be heading back to the Women's Center (the high risk doctor)." She left the room to talk to the doctor. A few minutes later a nurse came in and said the tech was on the phone and needed some text books. Hmm, that didn't sound good! The midwife came in several minutes later to tell us that they weren't exactly sure what they were seeing and had made me an appointment at 12:45 with the specialist. They said that if Beulah was in distress at all or if the placenta wasn't supplying her with everything she needed, they may have to take her!
11:20 - We called our families and some friends we knew would be home and asked them to pray. By God's grace, we had an unexplainable peace.
11:30 - Andy took me to Brixx, my favorite brick oven pizza restaurant. I told Andy that I wanted to go there before we had the baby, and we thought this may be our last chance!
12:45 PM - I had another ultrasound, during which Beulah was still happily playing with her toes. :) After the ultrasound, the tech brought the doctor in, who did his own ultrasound. He asked questions as he looked. He said the dark spots are "placenta lakes", pockets of blood, which can be normal! He looked for blood behind the placenta (which would be bad), but didn't see any. In the end he said he thought everything was fine! What?! Of course! We found out later that in the short amount of time since we had called family and friends, they had spread the word and we had been added to several prayer lists! This child has been a miracle from conception, she is in God's hands. What better hands could she be in? We don't have to worry. What a relief!
2:00 - We drove home praising God.
4:00 - We took a nap. :)
Thank you for your prayers today. They were heard once again! While we want Beulah to stay in as long as she can to develop fully, we'd be lying if we said we weren't a little excited at the thought of meeting her. We'll wait till she's ready though. :)
7:00 AM - I woke up to discover that I had been bleeding in the night. Andy (calm and collected-thank God!) called the doctor.
7:11 - The midwife on call returned the call, asked questions, and recommended I call the ob-gyn when the office opened at 8:00 to see if they could fit me in today.
8:00 - I called the ob-gyn and got an appointment for 9:45.
9:45 - We saw the midwife, who asked a bunch of questions and did an exam. She said she didn't see any active (red) bleeding. It all looked like old (brown) blood, which is good. The doppler showed that Beulah's heartbeat was strong! But, she recommended we have an ultrasound to look at the placenta.
10:30 - The ultrasound showed Beulah playing with her sweet little toes! Too cute! She said Beulah has "chubby toes" and is weighing in at 4 lbs 15 oz!! She's a big girl! She looked great, and wasn't in distress at all. She is breech, but that's another story. However, the view of the placenta showed some dark spots. As she was looking at them, she said, "It looks like you're going to be heading back to the Women's Center (the high risk doctor)." She left the room to talk to the doctor. A few minutes later a nurse came in and said the tech was on the phone and needed some text books. Hmm, that didn't sound good! The midwife came in several minutes later to tell us that they weren't exactly sure what they were seeing and had made me an appointment at 12:45 with the specialist. They said that if Beulah was in distress at all or if the placenta wasn't supplying her with everything she needed, they may have to take her!
11:20 - We called our families and some friends we knew would be home and asked them to pray. By God's grace, we had an unexplainable peace.
11:30 - Andy took me to Brixx, my favorite brick oven pizza restaurant. I told Andy that I wanted to go there before we had the baby, and we thought this may be our last chance!
12:45 PM - I had another ultrasound, during which Beulah was still happily playing with her toes. :) After the ultrasound, the tech brought the doctor in, who did his own ultrasound. He asked questions as he looked. He said the dark spots are "placenta lakes", pockets of blood, which can be normal! He looked for blood behind the placenta (which would be bad), but didn't see any. In the end he said he thought everything was fine! What?! Of course! We found out later that in the short amount of time since we had called family and friends, they had spread the word and we had been added to several prayer lists! This child has been a miracle from conception, she is in God's hands. What better hands could she be in? We don't have to worry. What a relief!
2:00 - We drove home praising God.
4:00 - We took a nap. :)
Thank you for your prayers today. They were heard once again! While we want Beulah to stay in as long as she can to develop fully, we'd be lying if we said we weren't a little excited at the thought of meeting her. We'll wait till she's ready though. :)
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
High Risk?
Friday was my 28 week check up, glucose screening, and the follow-up ultra sound they promised when they saw my low lying placenta in the last ultra sound. At the time, there wasn't much concern because they figured the placenta would move up as my uterus grew. This was just a precaution to be sure that it had.
In the ultra sound we saw that Beulah is doing great, praise the LORD! She has beautiful long (dancer) legs, and her hands were clasped in a prayer position up by her face. Precious!
leg and foot (up left)
praying hands
After the scan we went back to see the doctor. She told us that in all of her 9 years of practice she's never seen a low lying placenta do what mine did. It went down instead of up. Which means I have placenta previa. I have been placed on "pelvic rest", which limits my physical activities, including exercise, house work, grocery shopping, intimacy, etc. Thankfully, I haven't had any bleeding, so they aren't putting me on bed-rest...yet. If I see any blood, I have to call the "authorities" immediately. Oh, and I've now been labeled a "high risk pregnancy".
Beulah is not in danger at this point. The only way this would be a problem for her is if I went into labor. They believe I have a blood vessel running along my cervix that is supplying blood to Beulah. If I were to dialte at all, the blood vessel would rupture, which would be a danger for us both. The only way to be sure that doesn't happen is to deliver her by c-section up to three weeks before her due date. The doctor, who has been cold and uninterested in the past, rolled her stool up next to me, put her hand on my knee, looked me in the eyes and said, "This is serious. Do you understand?"
To be sure they know exactly what is going on, they are sending me to a high risk doctor Friday at 8 AM. I'm not sure exactly what that will entail, but I think they'll be using a higher powered machine to see the blood vessels clearly to make sure Beulah is getting what she needs from the placenta. If the vessels are showing signs of constriction at all, I will be put on bed-rest. Of course I'll let you know what the doctor says.
Sunday, some friends along with the elders of our church filled the tiny chapel at the YMCA to pray over us (James 5:14). It was the most amazing moment. As they were praying, Beulah was moving more than she's ever moved at once! After one person prayed, the next would say that the words that were on their heart had already been spoken by someone else. They prayed for protection for me & Beulah and prayed that God would move my placenta out of the way if it's His will. Our hearts and prayers were all in unity, and we left with such a peace and calm in our hearts (Matthew 18:20). No matter how God chooses to bring Beulah into the world, we feel confident that both she and I will be safe and healthy. Thankfully, I haven't worried too much, and my peace has been confirmed through others who are praying for us. My cousin said that every time she sits down to pray for us, God tells her to "Move on. I've got this one covered." :)
While we were praying, one of our elders found this comforting verse.
Isaiah 66:9 "Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?" says the LORD. "Do I close up the womb when I bring to delivery?" says your God.
These encouraging words have also been given to us from multiple sources this week.
Philippians 1:6 "...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion..."
Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
In the past week, many women have shared similar stories about placenta previa. In some cases the placenta moved and they were able to deliver "naturally". In others, the babies were successfully delivered by cesarian. We're praying that God will move the placenta (Matthew 17:20), but we trust His sovereignty no matter how she gets here (Psalm 56:3, Isaiah 26:3-4). Thank you for your prayers and encouragement! We are so excited that we're getting close to meeting our baby girl!!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Scary
Tuesday I learned that a friend had a miscarriage. All day Wednesday I thought about her and prayed that God would comfort her and her husband. I tried to imagine how she must feel by trying to put myself in her shoes, but of course, I can't really know.
As we sat down for dinner Wednesday night, I started getting this sharp pain in my stomach. It continued to get worse during dinner. It was like a contraction in my stomach, not my lower abdomen where the baby is, but just above my belly button. After sitting for a while I couldn't stand straight because it felt like something was pulling and it kept getting worse. I went to the bathroom to check for blood, but praise the Lord, there was none.
I decided to take a shower, and after almost three hours of this sharp pain surging and releasing non-stop, I just got down on my knees in the shower and prayed to the only one who could make it stop. About five minutes later the pain was gone for good.
I am SO thankful to God that everything seems to be OK. But, please remember my friend when you pray.
As we sat down for dinner Wednesday night, I started getting this sharp pain in my stomach. It continued to get worse during dinner. It was like a contraction in my stomach, not my lower abdomen where the baby is, but just above my belly button. After sitting for a while I couldn't stand straight because it felt like something was pulling and it kept getting worse. I went to the bathroom to check for blood, but praise the Lord, there was none.
I decided to take a shower, and after almost three hours of this sharp pain surging and releasing non-stop, I just got down on my knees in the shower and prayed to the only one who could make it stop. About five minutes later the pain was gone for good.
I am SO thankful to God that everything seems to be OK. But, please remember my friend when you pray.
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