Mama's first 10 weeks--Uncut!

I've worked on this post every week since Beulah was 3 weeks old. The title has changed five or six times (7 weeks...8 weeks...9 weeks...and now 10 weeks). We'll see if I get it done this time! I can't believe my beautiful, little girl is already almost 3 months old! She'll be crawling and into things before I know it! I'm savoring every second.

As someone who waited almost 7 years for a baby, I feel like I should only have wonderful things to say about being a mom. But, anybody who's done it knows that's not reality. And, if you've read my blogs in the past, you know that I'm not one to hide the truth about what I'm feeling, even if it makes me look bad. So, here goes!

The past 10 weeks can be accurately described by the lyrics of an old song that ran through my head daily the first couple of weeks. "Joy, joy, and pain--it's like sunshine, and rain." The joy and love can not be expressed. But, with the joy comes challenges. As my sweet friend Anna said, "No one can prepare you for those first few weeks." So true, my friend, so true. Recovering from major surgery, post-pregnancy hormones, learning to care for a new baby, and breastfeeding would all be major events if they happened all by themselves. But, when they happen all at once (as all of you moms can attest), it takes everything you've got...and everyone else around you too. :) My new motto, reflecting on the past 10 weeks, is--every day is different. You'll see how I've come to that conclusion as you read further.

The C-section
SUNSHINE--I had come to a place of peace before it happened. Praise the LORD, and thank you all for your prayers. I was OK because I knew that when I went in the O.R. that I would come out with my daughter! The procedure was quick, and Andy was even able to take some great pictures of the birth.
RAIN--Well, obviously with major abdominal surgery there is physical pain. Beyond the physical, it was incredibly surreal to hear the doctor (who's face I never even saw in the O.R.) say from behind the curtain, "OK, we've started!" only 5 minutes after they administered the spinal that instantly numbed my lower half. What?! Then, she said, "We're about to have a baby!" Next thing you know, out from behind the curtain comes this baby who I didn't see or feel come out of my body. I'm thinking, how can I be sure she's mine? Then they whisk her away for suctioning and tests.
SUNSHINE--Andy was amazing! The minute they brought her out, he was by her side, touching her, talking to her, bonding with her. It was really beautiful.
RAIN--I lay there on the table, alone, with tears in my eyes. I'm not sure whether they were tears of joy or sadness that I couldn't touch her or if I was just overwhelmed. Meanwhile, I'm wondering--what's this pressure I feel in my chest? I'm dizzy. Am I about to pass out?
SUNSHINE--Her APGAR scores climbed from 7 to 8 to 9. She's healthy and crying loudly!
RAIN--My body began to shake uncontrollably, a side effect of the medications. I had heard there would be shaking, but I had no idea it would be so violent. The nurses asked me if I wanted to hold my baby, but I was shaking so badly, I couldn't hold her yet.
SUNSHINE--I was out of bed without tubes within 5 hours. The nurse joked that they should have done it as an outpatient surgery! After I got home, I healed quickly with minimal pain.

Postpartum Hormones
RAIN--After giving birth, you already feel out of control. You're trying to get to know and care for this helpless little person who can't talk, yet she depends fully on you. Sometimes you can't figure out what she needs, and you can't MAKE her do anything (eat, sleep, poop, etc.). The normal fears and anxiety that come with taking care of a new baby are heightened by postpartum hormones. For me (and many other women I've talked to), it manifested in obsessive worry and anxiety. I'm a rule follower, so when somebody tells me I should do something, especially if I perceive the source to be smarter than me (like doctors), I do it. I'm also a slave to the clock. So, as an obsessive new mom I found myself charting the exact times and amounts of feedings and BMs. It was my way of controlling what was, in reality, out of my control. By the time our moms got here, I was a wreck!
SUNSHINE--Moms. They are the best! They were such an incredible help. But, by the time Andy's mom got here for week 3, I was already crying thinking about her leaving the next week! Needless to say, she was worried about me. :) After she saw the routine we had been keeping and saw how I was responding to things, she said, "you have GOT to relax! Put away your charts and trust your instincts." It was SO freeing! Yet, admittedly, I found other ways to obsess and control the situation. Andy's sister, Heather (or med school mommy, as you may know her), gave me the best, most simple advice, "enjoy your baby." Oh yeah, that IS what I'm supposed to be doing!
RAIN--At times, I've felt like I was totally out of control of my emotions. I've been hypersensitive when it comes to issues with Beulah. I don't believe I've been depressed, but I have had MANY moments of hopelessness and a serious lack of faith. The onslaught of hormones has magnified parts of my personality to an unmanageable degree. Poor Andy. Y'all pray for him. He's such a good and patient man. :)
SUNSHINE--Sometimes the hypersensitivity is ridiculous--funny even (although it's rarely funny). The best thing you can do is acknowledge it to those witnessing, warn them not to laugh, and continue carrying on. You can all laugh about how off your rocker you are later...much later.

Feeding
SUNSHINE--At our first attempt to breastfeed, Beulah was interested!
RAIN--But, because of latching difficulties she couldn't get more than a couple of sips the whole day.
SUNSHINE--At 11 PM (she was born at 9:48 AM) she latched on and didn't let go for an hour and a half! She seemed to be a very vigorous nurser!
RAIN--By our last day in the hospital, her weight had dropped by 10% and they were talking about supplementing.
SUNSHINE--At our pediatrician's visit the next morning, he told me to go home and pump until my milk came in. After our appointment, I fed her in the parking lot where my milk came in! At our follow-up appointment three days later, she had gained 5 oz!!
RAIN--Sparing you the details, engorgement over the next day or two caused me to have traumatized nipples. Men, you don't want to know. Don't bother clicking the link unless your wife is expecting. :)
SUNSHINE--Through nursing, engorgement was relieved and latching became much more manageable. Once we established a successful latch, I could begin the healing process.
RAIN--My original assessment that she was a vigorous nurser turned out to be wrong. Beulah was a sleepy baby. Nursing was taking up to an hour and a half per feeding. For those of you who don't know, newborns should be fed every 2.5 to 3 hrs. from the start of one feeding to the start of the next. So, yes, your calculations are correct, there was only 1 to 1.5 hrs. between feedings, night and day, and there was nothing Andy could do to help. Keeping her awake meant I couldn't sleep while I nursed. So, I would sit upright in a chair, turn on lights and play music. It's amazing how much encouragement you can get from children's Bible songs when your exhausted and overwhelmed. (I highly recommend Steve Green for your child's collection!) Despite the insane amount of time spent nursing, after a couple of days, I started to notice that she didn't seem to be getting enough and her cheeks weren't filling out. So, we made an appointment with a lactation consultant we met in the hospital.
SUNSHINE--The lactation consultant was very encouraging. She confirmed that my mommy instincts were right. Yes, Beulah had gained 5 oz in 3 days after my milk came in, but the three following days she had only gained 1 oz. She wasn't getting enough. So, we had to figure out whether it was because of my milk supply or because of Beulah's nursing ability. So, she observed me nursing and weighed Beulah to see how much she was getting. She had only taken 24 mls in 30 minutes. 30 mls is an ounce. She should have been able to get 2-3 oz in 10-45 mins. The nurse said, "Breastfeeding is supposed to be hard, but not THIS hard." Thank you. I needed to hear that! After nursing for a while, she had me pump to see if I had any milk left, and I had plenty. So, it wasn't a problem with my milk supply. That was encouraging. But, what about my baby?
RAIN--We were put on a schedule of pumping and supplementing with formula. I know the postpartum hormones have something to do with it, but I couldn't watch her feed from a bottle without crying. It was especially hard to see my tiny baby gag on the nipple and faster flow of the milk.
SUNSHINE--This meant that feedings were not all up to me! Now daddy, Ninnie & Nana (who came to help) can bond with Beulah during feedings too.
RAIN--But, now supplies are an issue. We have to make sure bottles and pumping accessories are clean and in place at all times. We've got to try different bottles and nipples and make sure we had enough that we weren't up washing all night long. We also had a lot to learn about breastmilk and formula storage and warming. Quick. I was overwhelmed and mentally shut down that night. I was so exhausted, I couldn't process how all this was going to work. I cried...a lot.
SUNSHINE--That night, to help me catch up on some sleep and because it was too hard (emotionally) for me to feed her from a bottle, Andy and my mom (Ninnie) took the night feedings. I was only responsible for getting up at midnight and 5 AM to pump. Man, that helped!
RAIN--When you're tied to a machine (the pump), it's difficult (to say the least) to care for your baby if she needs you, and I was pumping seven times a day for 20 mins each.
SUNSHINE--After another visit to lactation, I continued to breastfeed as much as possible and supplement where necessary. We rented a scale from the hospital so that I could see how much Beulah was getting each time I breastfed. That helped me to know how much we needed to supplement. Finally! She was getting enough and she started chunking up! (However, the scale allowed me to obsess about the numbers again, and I kept it until last week!)
RAIN--She started fighting the bottle; arching her back, choking, spitting, crying. She also had terrible gas. So, we switched her to a gentler formula, but nothing changed. We took her to the pediatrician who told us to try soy. That didn't help either. So, we took her back to the pediatrician who diagnosed her with reflux and put her on a rice cereal supplement as well as baby Zantac. We also went to see a pediatric GI specialist, who confirmed the diagnosis. After adding the rice cereal, her BMs became very difficult, and only seemed to make things worse. So, we stopped giving it to her. And even on the Zantac, the gas and bottle feeding seemed to get worse. I started thinking, maybe it wasn't reflux at all. So, we've also taken her off of that. I wanted to take her off of formula as well and strictly breastfeed, but since Beulah hadn't been pulling the milk she needed from me, my milk supply had decreased.
SUNSHINE--A dear friend finally said to me (last week), "maybe Beulah's body isn't ready for full feedings. Maybe she needs smaller amounts more frequently." So, I have tried that over the past week, and my milk supply seems to have increased and she seems to be getting enough! She's off of formula altogether! Thanks, Les (and God, of course)!
RAIN--Her gas is still horrendous, even though I've altered my diet trying to figure out the problem. She will be smiling and all the sudden, her face turns down, she gets red, stiffens her body and screams. If she passes it, she goes back to smiling. If she doesn't, she continues to scream until she does. And we'll think--OK, that was it. She's gonna feel better now. But, it never ends. It wakes her up, so her naps are very short and sporadic. Sometimes she won't eat either. And, Mylicon doesn't even touch it. Unfortunately, I have not handled seeing my baby in pain very well. I cry when she cries. I try to tell myself...at least it's not terminal or even all that serious. There are so many people who deal with SO much more than this. I also try to remind myself that God doesn't promise us a pain-free, perfect life. But, the self talk doesn't seem to help or change how I feel when she screams out in pain.
SUNSHINE--We've been taking her to the chiropractor, which seems to be helping her to have more regular BMs, but is not yet helping with the gas. We have hope in the potential for this to help.

NOTE--I have such respect for any breastfeeding woman. After witnessing my struggles, Andy has said that breastfeeding is not for the faint at heart. I also have the utmost respect for mothers of preemies or children with special needs. It's hard enough to feed a healthy, full term baby. I can't imagine what you, my friends, have been though. May God bless you and your little ones.

Going Out
Getting out of the house with a newborn takes practice. It's especially challenging when feedings take an hour an a half! You've got to time it just right. Get everything you'll need, ready and in place, feed the baby, then get in the car as quickly as possible. You DON'T want to get stuck having to breastfeed for an hour and a half anywhere but at home, especially in a car in a parking lot somewhere! People kept asking me, "Have you gotten out yet?" Um...no. Why? Should I? Ha ha! I finally gave myself permission to take it slow. It was just easier to be at home, especially when it looks like we're hurting her when we're only trying to feed her! The spitting, choking and screaming would have invited plenty of looks and comments from strangers. Who wants that? We're doing the best we can here! It's definitely gotten easier. We're out at least once a day, and have been able to start going for walks in the neighborhood every morning. Ahhh, fresh air and sunshine! It's so good for mama, baby and doggie. :)

Getting Things Done
Simply put, I haven't. If I have a chance to nap while she's napping, I'm taking it! I'm lucky to get a shower...every other day. I've done laundry a couple of times. Cleaning the house? You've got to be kidding me! Doing the dishes is the one thing I do on a daily basis...almost. I've only cooked a handful of times. Thank God for a husband who doesn't mind cleaning and loves to cook, because we'd all starve if it weren't for him. I'm lucky to get breakfast and lunch when he's not here! And I've only got ONE baby! I've thought about women who have more than one child or those who have to do this by themselves about a million times. My heart goes out to them.

Overall, I have thoroughly enjoyed my baby girl. She is such a precious gift, and has inspired so many smiles and so much laughter in our home. The reason I want to share the challenges is because I am SO thankful to every woman who was real with me and tried to prepare me for how difficult it would be. I was so grateful when Heather said, "After the first couple of weeks, it only gets easier." And, it's true! It takes time to get to know somebody, especially somebody who can't talk. But, as time goes by, you feel more confident in your relationship and your ability to predict her wants and needs. And, remember, every day is different. Just because something went right today, doesn't mean it will tomorrow. But, that also works the opposite way. Just because something went wrong today doesn't mean it will tomorrow.

OK, now brace yourself for a cheesy metaphor. It takes sunshine AND rain to make the flowers grow.

Update from Dad

Hey everybody--Andy here.

I wanted to take a minute and provide you all with a brief update. I know we've gone AWOL on the blog since Beulah was born; we've just been spending all our time enjoying our little girl!

I'm going to post a few more pics from the hospital (although I don't think I know how to do the cool slide show thing like Michelle does!). Speaking of Michelle, I know she really wants to post some of her thoughts very soon, but she has been pretty tied up with feedings. Right now, she's enjoying some much needed rest.

I've been telling everyone I talk to that nursing is not for the faint of heart! We've been working through some challenges with breastfeeding, and I have to say that my wife is absolutely incredible. I'm so proud of her--she's been working so hard to feed Beulah. We visited a lactation nurse today, and the whole experience was incredibly helpful. We're thinking things should get a little easier soon. I'll let Michelle fill you in on all the details. (Oh, I'm going to respectfully ask that you don't send Michelle breastfeeding advice as a result of my post. I don't mean to be rude, and I know that it would all be well-meaning, but it would probably be easier if you entrust us to the pros right now. Thanks for understanding!)

I also wanted to say thanks to everyone who has called, emailed, visited, or brought food. We appreciate everyone's love and support more than you will ever know. I apologize that we've been unable to return all the phone calls and emails just yet. Please know that we are not ignoring you, and we hope to get in touch with everyone soon.

Here are some snippets of fun information that you might not know about how Beulah's birth went down:

1. Beulah was taken by c-section because she was breech. She was folded up inside Michelle with her feet up by her head. When she came out, her little legs just stuck straight up in the air! The nurses had a hard time straightening her out to measure her length!

2. She was a little blue when she came out too, and it took a minute or so for her to really start breathing well. The nurses had to suction her nose and throat and really coax her to cry. It was pretty nerve wracking for daddy who could just stand there and pray! After a few mintues, she turned pink and started breathing normally. I was so happy to hear that cry.

3. The first words that Beulah heard me say were Ephesians 3:14-21. After the nurses had cleaned her off, they took a minute to jot down their records. Beulah was laying under the warming light and I was able to put my hands on her little body, get down really close to her face, and say those verses. I had practiced for several days leading up to her birth, and it was the most special thing for me to be able to have that moment with her.

4. During the operation, I actually was able to peek over the curtain and watch them pull her out. I didn't think I'd be able to handle looking at Michelle's open incision, but in that moment when the doctor said "Here she comes!" I couldn't help but look. I actually got a few really good pictures of them pulling Beulah out. They won't make it to the internet, but you can see them if you come over to our house (and you're not totally grossed out by that sort of thing. Don't worry, I would be totally grossed out too if it wasn't my wife and daughter.)

OK--I think that's all for now. I need to go to bed.

On behalf of my two beautiful girls, goodnight, and we love you all.

Andy

Final Thoughts Before D-Day!

1. One day while I was praying for Beulah, I asked God to help me to be a selfless mother. I don't want tiredness or my own selfish desires to effect the way I respond to or show love to Beulah. So, in my prayer I said, "Help me to be all about HER." Then, like a slap to the back of my hand, I almost audibly heard Him say, "Don't you mean, 'Help me to be all about YOU?'" My heart sank. How easy it is to forget the proper order of things.

I then started to think about all of the problems that come from putting your children before God. After teaching in the pubic schools, it's easy to spot that misalignment simply by the way the child believes s/he is the center of everybody's universe (not just his/her parents' universe). They experience a tremendous amount of frustration and confusion when they realize that they will never be the center or anyone else's universe (until they're married or have children of their own). When they think it's all about them, they don't understand when their teacher, coach, boss, etc. doesn't put them on a pedestal like mommy and daddy do. But, if we put God at the center of our universe, the child sees that and realizes there's something greater than him/her. Modeling the behavior we want our children to emulate is one of the greatest teaching tools we have. It would be very easy for me to blindly allow that misalignment to happen in our family after waiting so many years to be a mommy. So, I will have to constantly check my priorities once she's here.

2. God has set the precedent for parenthood from before Beulah was even conceived. Because of our experiences with infertility, we have learned that we are not in control, He is. When we thought we may be in danger because of Vesa Previa, we had to rely on prayer and His grace for healing. When the placenta lakes were found and the doctors told us they may have to take her early, we had to trust His sovereignty. When the doctors told me I had to keep watch over fetal movement as a result of bleeding, He showed me that He loves her more than I do, and I won't have to worry. Her life is in the LORD's hands, the most capable hands. Besides that fact that I am not in control, that He loves her more than me, and that she is His child, it's comforting to know that He knit her together in my womb. (Psalm 119)

3. Despite my desire to deliver her naturally, God has given me such a peace about having a c-section. Thank you for your prayers about this. As disappointed as we were not to get to meet her Thursday, we were also very thankful for the extra couple of days. We had worked so hard to get the house ready for her homecoming that we were worn out and tense on Thursday morning, even though we didn't realize it until we came down from our high of thinking we were going to get to hold our daughter in our arms that day. But, God knew. In his sovereign mercy, He gave us a couple of extra days of rest. And, as I showered tonight in preparation for tomorrow, I felt so relaxed, calm, excited, and peaceful. I couldn't be more thankful to our God who knows our every need and works everything out for our good. What a loving God He is! Even when we don't understand what's happening at the time, we can trust His love and sovereignty.

4. I'm going to meet my daughter tomorrow!! (Hopefully!)

Deadline!!

I had my 37 week appointment Friday. Yay! We're officially full term! Praise God!! Since Beulah has still not turned, the Doctor scheduled a c-section for Thursday, April 2nd. As soon as he left the room, I looked at Andy and said, "OK, God's got a deadline now!" :)

I have to admit, I went through a sort of grieving process (for the potential loss of labor) Friday and Saturday morning. I didn't call or talk to anybody because I knew what everyone was going to say. I KNEW what I SHOULD be thinking and feeling. "She'll get here in the perfect way God has planned." "When it's over and you see that healthy baby girl, you won't care how she got here!" "The important thing is that you're both safe." I knew I SHOULD be thinking and feeling that way, but I just couldn't make myself.

Some women have said that I'm lucky not to have to labor. They say they wish they could have just been wheeled in for surgery and not have had to go through the hours of work. So, why would I want to labor and need to grieve the loss of it? Crazy or not, honestly I was looking forward to doing the work and that moment of climax when she is born, feeling SO much relief and joy that's she's here and the work is done. Not to mention the fact that God moved my placenta out of the way and has prepared my body for a successful vaginal delivery. Plus, with my background in dance and knowledge of the body, I was looking forward to the physical challenge.

I've talked to several women, close friends and family, that labored for hours, only to end in a c-section. Those women went through a period of grief for their birth experience afterwards. I think it's natural and important to allow women to grieve without guilt. It's a loss for the experience the way God created it. Of course, it wouldn't be good to sit in the grief for too long or to overreact about it (whatever that looks like), but healthy grieving can be important and necessary.

Fortunately, Andy recognized my need to grieve, and prayed with me about it Friday. Saturday morning, I showed my weakness to two moms from church that I respect and admire. While they tried to encourage me, I still could not force myself to feel different. But, about an hour later, as I was being treated to a pedicure (see below) by Beulah's "aunt Danielle" and filling her in on "the plan", I started to get excited! There was an unexplainable difference in my attitude and feelings as I talked about meeting my sweet baby girl in a week and a half!! I could literally FEEL the prayers that Andy and those two moms had prayed for me, and thank God, He lifted what I could not.

I had to surrender MY will and the desires of my heart to God and His sovereignty. I KNOW He knows what's best and I trust that He has His reasons, even if I never know them. Who knows, He could be protecting us from something much worse! There are, after-all, some positive aspects to all this.

1. I have had time to grieve the loss of natural delivery BEFORE my baby comes, rather than after (which is the case for many women).

2. I feel GREAT! I'm pretty sure it's because I don't have a head in my pelvis or feet in my ribs. :)

3. This method is much more predictable and makes planning easy.

4. I will get to sleep through the night next Wednesday (as much as possible with aches, anxiety and excitement), wake up, calmly go to the hospital and meet my baby that morning! Then, I have the rest of the day with her, our parents and siblings.

5. I will meet my baby in a week and a half (after almost 7 years of waiting)!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait!!

Now, does that mean we stop praying that she will turn? NO! If He wants to, God could still turn her before next Thursday! If He does that, I will consider it ANOTHER miracle! If you look at the picture below, Beulah is sitting in the Frank Breech position and has been for quite a while. I can't even IMAGINE how my little chunker could turn from that position with the lack of space she has in there. She seems quite comfortable and doesn't listen to our reason and logic about why she should turn. :) So, it would actually take the hand of God to guide her to the head down position. The statistics say that only 3-4% of babies are still breech by this point in pregnancy. And, as the high risk doctor told us, babies have typically declared their position by now. But, what does God care about statistics? If He wants to, He'll turn her. I know that for sure!



I've never been a girlie girl. I've had MAYBE three pedicures my whole life. Green is my favorite color, and I've typically avoided pink. But, when you're pregnant with a little girl, you can't help but think of her when you see pink. So, I chose pink as my toenail color in honor of her arrival. :)



Look at that Belly! This was taken at 36.5 weeks.