There I sat with a sleeping baby in my arms. Thus began the anxious dance of putting her down without waking her up. If you've been there, you KNOW what I'm talking about. Exhausted, you will do ANYTHING to make the transfer from your arms to the crib successful. And if it is, you stand by the crib holding your breath for the next several minutes, praying she won't realize what you've done, causing you to have to start the lengthy dance over again. Is this how everybody does it? If so, is it as maddening to you as it was to me?! Well, I guess when you have to do it upwards of five times a night, anybody would go mad.
The problem for us from the beginning was that Beulah's sucking reflex triggered sleep; whether while nursing or taking a bottle. Maybe it's that way for all newborns. I did everything suggested to keep her awake while nursing, but to no avail. This was only reinforced when Beulah's gas was really bad and we had a hard time getting her to eat. On many occasions, we had to walk around the house with her until she was relaxed and almost asleep, and then I would nurse her to sleep. Sometimes this was the only way to get food in her. While she nursed, she would pass the gas because she was so relaxed. So, after much frustration in trying to keep her awake, we gave in and committed to the dance. At times, when I was really tired, it would make me crazy. Other times, I had to laugh at how silly we looked trying to stand and walk without shifting our weight or body position so as to alert her to our trickery. The dance was complicated by the fact that if we didn't put the paci in her mouth as soon as we laid her down, she would wake up. She had to be sucking on something at all times. So, when the paci fell out, we had to go in and replace it...that is, if she hadn't woken up so much that we had to start over again. We dreamt up ways of keeping the paci in her mouth, but none of them would have passed a safety inspection. So, we kept putting the dumb thing back in until she was too asleep to notice it had fallen out.
Beulah started sleeping in her car seat (as advised by the pediatric nurse) early on because of her reflux. During that time, she only woke once a night. That was very manageable. But, at around 3 months, we had to get her out of the car seat. We wanted to make the transition easier by providing a place for her to sleep that would help her to feel secure and cozy. So, we let her sleep on her contoured changing pad in the crib and used a small wedge to slightly raise her upper body. We quickly learned that sleeping flat on her back was not one of Beulah's gifts. When she had gas (and because of her breech position in the womb), her legs would fly up in the air and wake her up. Sometimes she would have only been asleep for about 15 minutes when this would happen. Swaddling her just made her mad. I even tried to put her down on her stomach, but that freaked her out and she cried. This is when the insomnia began for me.
During the day, if I put her down, she'd wake up after 20 minutes or less. If she only got sleep in 20 minute intervals, by the end of the day, she (and I) would be overtired and therefore had an even harder time falling asleep. So, many days I held her while she slept. That way, she could sleep an average of two hours. But, what was I doing during this time? NOTHING! Sure, I was bonding with my baby. But, the anxiety about the things I could be doing increased as the hours passed. If I could, I would have slept too. But, unfortunately, that was a rare occasion. I'm a very light sleeper and hear every little sound. I also worry about my movement waking her up. So, I lay there anxiously wishing I could turn over to get more comfortable. Besides that, it's hard for me to relax with her right next to me with all the thoughts of SIDS and suffocation running through my head. The few times I attempted it, I only reached a twilight sleep and woke frequently to make sure her airways were clear.
One night, as I lay awake, I was praying for wisdom on how to help her stay asleep in her crib. I thought it might help if we made her feel like she was still sitting like she had been in the car seat. So, I came up with the idea of folding blankets and putting them under her legs, up against her bottom, so that her legs wouldn't have as far to go when they flew up or settled down. This seemed to help...very little.
Now, here's where you're going to laugh. I can laugh about it now. At the time I didn't think it was funny at all. We started dreaming up ways of keeping her legs from flying up. So, I made a cloth rice bag to lay across her feet. We had to place it below her knees so that if her legs flew up with enough force, they wouldn't throw the rice bag onto her face and suffocate her. Can you see the ridiculous thought process we were going through? That didn't work either. She just kicked it off. So, I tried using the strap on the changing pad to hold her legs down. We were desperate. Go ahead. Laugh. It's crazy. I know. Yeah, you guessed it. That didn't work either. It was time for a change.
Andy can sleep through anything. So, at that point, I moved into the guest bedroom and we moved Beulah's changing pad to our bed. Andy would sleep next to her with his hand on her legs, keeping them from flying up. Sometimes that worked. But, when she woke completely up, he brought her to me to nurse back to sleep. This was much more manageable, because at least I could sleep in between feedings. But, this was happening up to five times a night, and frankly, I was tired of being used as a pacifier. I desperately needed someone else to be able to put her to sleep too so that the pressure wasn't always on me to be there. After three weeks of living like this, we had both had it. Our family was not healthy. We were all exhausted and committed to doing whatever it took to change this situation. Why did we wait so long? Because if she was waking due to pain, we wanted to comfort her to let her know we are there when she needs us. We couldn't bear the thought of her suffering alone.
First, we read up on all the ways you can train your baby to sleep. We were doing most of the techniques to encourage sleep already: a consistent bedtime routine, familiar sounds and sights in her room each night, keeping the lights off for nighttime feedings, etc. But, here's the breakdown of the problems we were having.
* Beulah couldn't put herself to sleep. She relied on us to sooth her back to sleep when she woke.
* The paci. Enough said.
* Being put down asleep caused her to be scared and confused when she woke, so she sought comfort from us.
* Frequent waking was hurting the whole family.
* Co-sleeping was not an option because I wouldn't rest well.
We were already doing a great deal of what "
no-tears" proponents recommend, and they were not working for us. If we were to stick to that method, it would take a considerable amount of time, and we didn't have a lot of time. We were falling apart. Our first goal was to un-do her need to suck to sleep, and that was not going to happen without some tears. If we had been able to keep her awake while feeding from the beginning, I believe the no-cry method could have worked. But, that wasn't the case.
One desperate night, Andy and I were awake searching the internet (separately, and without the knowledge of the other), looking for solutions. I came across an audio program called
The Baby Sleep Solution. It was very poorly marketed, and there weren't any reputable reviews that I could find. But, we were desperate, and hoped it might offer something that we hadn't thought of. So, we downloaded it and listened to it that day. It had a couple of ideas we hadn't heard of, but for the most part we were familiar with the suggested methods. What it DID do for us was give us courage. After listening, we realized that no matter what we did, she was going to cry. We were going to initiate a change in what she was used to and comfortable with, and she was not going to like it.
The first step in sleep training is eliminating the possibility that your baby's night waking is caused by a medical condition. We felt confident that was not the case with Beulah after 3 visits to the GI doctor who told us she would grow out of the gas problems as her system matured. We were not so concerned with having her sleep through the night at this point. Our main goal was for her to be able to fall asleep on her own. We knew that once she learned that skill, she would naturally be able to put herself back to sleep when she woke up...eventually. So, that day, I stopped letting her sleep while nursing. I had to be more animated during feedings, which was tricky because I didn't want to distract her from eating. If she got close to sleep, I stopped nursing and burped her. We also decided to switch to bottles during the night. That way, Andy could help me, and she would be less likely to wake for a bottle as opposed to the comfort of nursing. Our plan was to graduate the milk to water ratio (as suggested in The Baby Sleep Solution) over the course of several nights until she eventually got only water. Who would want to wake for that? And, most importantly, we would put her down drowsy but awake.
We divided the nights in half. One of us slept on the couch downstairs while the other was on "duty". I nursed her earlier in the bedtime routine so that she didn't fall asleep. We changed her into her PJs, read her a book, turned down the lights and turned on the sound machine. Then, we sang a song and put her in the crib.
Simply put, it sucked. As a woman who has obsessed about knowing how to meet her baby's needs when she cries, it was very difficult for me to listen and not go in and pick her up. We went in every few minutes and kissed her and told her we loved her, but we had to leave before she fell asleep. There was one saving grace. We had been given a
Fisher Price crib attachment that has lights, movement and music that we had not used yet. So, the day before we started this, I attached it to the crib. When she got really upset, I started it up and she seemed comforted and entertained by it. Most times it would settle her down and she would eventually fall asleep.
As I write this, we have been working on this for 5 nights/days, and this week we feel like we have a new life! After only 2 days, I was able to put her down for a nap with no fuss. How long was the nap? TWO HOURS!!!!! Yep! Unbelievable!! Since she is aware of her surroundings when she falls asleep, if she wakes up briefly, she can fall back asleep feeling secure. And, she sleeps longer! Last night she only woke up twice, and one stretch lasted 5.5 hours!! I actually checked to make sure she was still alive! This morning when I laid her in her crib for a nap, she actually smiled! What?! Of course, sometimes she whimpers because she doesn't want to go to sleep, but it doesn't last more than 5-10 minutes, and it's never a full blown cry. Sometimes when she wakes up, she'll start playing with her feet without a peep. It's the most amazing blessing!! Do you have any idea how liberating it is to be able to put her down and not spend the next 10 minutes holding her legs down, praying she'll stay asleep, fearing that she'll wake up after only 20 mins?! For the first time since she was born, I feel like we can work towards a predictable schedule. I'm going to have to relearn how to be FREE again! I might actually get the laundry folded and put away or the dishes done or...SHOWER! Or, (gasp!) Andy and I might actually be able to go on a date since she doesn't need me to fall asleep anymore! Woo hoo!!
What about her gas? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe we had her trained to believe she needed us when she had gas. As her system has matured and she becomes a better burper, her gas seems to be decreasing along with the pain. I've heard her pass gas while she's sleeping, but now she stays asleep or goes right back to sleep instead of calling out for us. Maybe it wasn't that she was in pain when passing gas in the night to begin with. Maybe it was just that the gas woke her up and she realized she wasn't in our arms and wanted to be. Who knows? All I know is, she's sleeping better and longer, and we're all happier.
If you're a "no-cry" proponent, I know this makes you VERY uncomfortable. But, don't feel like you have to tell me all the ways we've screwed up our baby's psyche by letting her cry. Before we started this, I had already tortured myself by reading
literature that opposes it. I'm sure they'd say that she doesn't cry when she has gas anymore because she's learned not to trust us since we didn't answer her cries. They'd say, she's decided that her voice is not heard and it won't make a difference if she cries anyway, so she chooses not to. Trust me, we wouldn't have let her cry if we felt like we had another choice. And, I can assure you, I am no less sensitive to her cries. As far as the trust issue goes, all I can do is give it to God. He is sovereign even over this. And, even though He allows me to cry and hurt sometimes, I still trust Him and know He is there for me. I pray it will be the same for Beulah.
