It's always been easy for me to have faith. Because of the profound way my life changed when I accepted the LORD, I've always believed God could do anything. Did I believe I could get pregnant after six years of infertility and one prayer? Sure! That's no problem for Him. But, lately I've found myself sounding a lot like David in Psalm 22, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent."
Day after day I watch my baby cry out in pain. Her little body has such painful gas that (so far) no prayer, chiropractor, doctor, or medicine has helped. Suddenly, my sweet smiling baby will scream out, and at times nothing and no one can comfort her. There are days when she's in so much pain that we can't get her to eat or sleep. On those days, all we can do to calm her is walk around the house carrying her for hours or take her outside. On my better days, I have so much compassion and love for her that I could walk forever just to comfort her. But after days of this or nights of her waking up every other hour, I get tired, my spirit (and body) gets weak, and I just get angry.
Since she was born, pretty much every thought in my head has been a prayer on her behalf. "God I know you love her more than I do, but as the one you've entrusted to care for this angel, I ask you to heal your child...help her to pass this gas...help her to poop...help her to sleep...give her peace...have mercy on this innocent child..." Sometimes He answers with haste, other times--silence. And, sometimes I will thank Him for something that IS going right, but immediately afterwards the opposite happens. Those days when I'm worn out and He's silent, that's when Andy comes home to a crying baby and a crying, angry wife. But, at the end of my rope, I still feel like Peter when Jesus asked His disciples if they wanted to leave after hearing a difficult teaching (John 6). Peter said, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God." There is nowhere else to turn; no one else who can help.
Because so many of my thoughts are prayers of desperation, I am fully ready to praise Him for any good, but fully ready to blame Him for any bad. I'm angry because I know He can wipe this away with a word, but He hasn't. I have never found myself in this place before. My thinking: it's fine if He doesn't answer prayers on my behalf. I can handle that. But, to refrain from answering prayers on behalf of an innocent child? Now, that's injustice! Immediately following those thoughts are prayers for forgiveness. I tell Him that I'm so sorry for thinking that way. I confess that I'm a lousy Christian and ask Him to renew my mind and give me peace through this trial. I speak back to Him His words from Isaiah 55:9, "Your ways are higher than my ways, and your thoughts are higher than my thoughts" (see also Job 38-42).
I wonder if my spirit would be so weak if I were getting enough sleep. When I'm physically exhausted, my spirit is broken. This is also hard because I'm an extrovert. But, it's easier to stay home alone because I never know when her gas is going to cause her to scream. I miss the social interaction that I used to thrive on. I don't invite people over because I get so anxious when she starts screaming, and it makes me uncomfortable to be around people. I haven't even been to the grocery store one time since she's been born because I don't want to have to leave a cart full of groceries in the middle of the store. Besides that, when her gas is really bad, if we try to feed her (breast or bottle), it looks like we're torturing her. She arches her back and screams and chokes. Who wants to do that out in public and invite looks or comments from those nearby? And, everybody wants to hold the baby, But she cries if she's not held in ways that makes her comfortable. So, my skin crawls when someone asks to hold her because I know what's going to happen. Then, when I take her and hold her in a way that I've learned makes her comfortable, she stops crying. Because of this, I've had a couple of people say that she's spoiled! And, I can't leave her in the church nursery like this. I can't expect every person in there to know "the hold" that comforts her, or to give all their attention to her when there's so many other kids to care for. So, pretty much every Sunday I go to church and end up sitting in the bathroom with her the whole time.
Now, I realize this all sounds pretty dramatic. I mean, on a scale of 0-10 (0 = a perfectly easy baby, 9 = a baby with a terminal illness, 10 = no baby) Beulah is a 1. I mean, it's only gas, right? She won't even remember this when she's older. How could some gas tear a family apart? That just sounds silly! But, I'm here to tell you--it can. I don't talk about it much because unless you've been there, you don't understand. It's like my cousin said after watching Beulah for an hour one day, "I thought you were exaggerating!" I think a lot of people think I'm exaggerating. But after spending a week with me and seeing what I go through on a daily basis, my mom has offered to come stay with me for a week every month until Beulah outgrows this.
The first time I took a car ride alone with Beulah, she was in her car seat in the back screaming her precious head off. It was the first time I didn't rush to her to meet her need. I couldn't. She started making the most pitiful, heartbroken sounds. It was killing me. I tried talking to her and telling her that everything was OK. I said, "I love you, baby. I know it doesn't look like it right now because I'm not rushing to meet your need, but I promise I love you! When we get there I'll hug you and love on you." In that moment I realized, I'm in the car seat and God is driving the car. He responded, "I love you, Michelle. I know it doesn't look like it right now because I'm not rushing to meet your need, but I promise I love you! When it's time, I'll answer your prayers." My mom got a similar message from God when she asked Him to heal Beulah. He said to her, "What if I don't want to? I have a reason for this. Just trust me."
I've tried to figure out the reason. For a while we thought it might be a spiritual attack. God got glory for Beulah's miraculous conception. What better way to steal His glory than to tear us apart after she's born? Or, maybe it's a test of faith. Will I still trust Him if my child is in pain (for more on this see Redemption Day, #2)? That could be the reason. But, last night I think He gave me my answer. God said, "You're going to spend her whole life angry at Me if you keep praying/expecting things to be perfect. This is a fallen world. She's going to experience pain and heartache. Get used to it and learn how to deal with it." Then, I realized that I've been praying all wrong. I mean, this could be so much worse than it is (see the scale from 0-10 above). Instead of asking Him to right every wrong, I need to be focusing on the bigger picture. Instead of getting angry, I need to make myself vulnerable, lay down at His feet, and trust that He has our family's best interest at heart (Jeremiah 29:11). I should be asking Him for the grace to handle what comes my way in a manner that brings glory to Him. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."
I'm thankful to have a new direction for my prayers and excited to see how God's going to grow us and use this for His glory. I've been embarrassed to talk about our struggles before now. Aren't new parents supposed to be nothing but happy? I had heard of colicky babies, but had never talked to anybody who had one. My pride wouldn't let me admit that Beulah was a difficult baby. No one wants to think their baby has a problem. And, it seemed like everyone else could handle their babies. What's wrong with me? I must not be as strong as them. But, as I've started to open up about it, I'm amazed at how many people have been through similar hardships with their infants. When I opened up to some friends about it, I told them that I felt silly being so defeated by this. One friend who had a difficult baby pulled me aside and said, "It's hard. It's OK to admit that it's hard. Just because it's not a terminal illness doesn't mean it's not hard." Thanks, Courtney. I needed that.
If you had a difficult baby, open up and reach out to new parents. Hopefully someone will be encouraged by your transparency.
8 comments:
Being tired definitely makes it harder to stay positive. You are NOT a failure, as a Christian or as a mommy!! You are just a normal human being with normal human tolerances for sleep deprivation and frayed nerves from crying baby.
Claire did not have gas problems like Beulah but man was she cranky. I could not put her down or she cried. Absolutely no reason for it. I could not put her down long enough to take a shower or heaven forbid take a nap! I felt gross and tired and pretty resentful.
Anyone who says she is spoiled... well, they can bite me. (okay, that's not nice, but they aren't being nice either). You are not spoiling her by helping her get comfortable, especially since she can't do it for herself. Babies can't be spoiled. Crying is the only way they have to communicate and if you respond to that, even if you can't/don't solve the problem, they know you are listening. You are NOT spoiling her by responding to her cries. On the other hand, you aren't being a bad mommy if you don't immediately jump when she cries (like if you are in the car or bathroom or whatever). She's old enough now to know that because you usually respond to her, she doesn't need to panic if you're not immediately there.
Anytime you need an hour or two to yourself or with Andy, let me know. I am used to babies crying their heads off, I have nerves of steel. Sometimes you need to rest and recharge. <333
You are doing an awesome job Michelle! You are one of the strongest, faithful people that I know. I will keep you in my prayers. I agree that people aren't always honest about the struggles with their infants. I found it quite disheartening when I brought home a screaming newborn, and thought- why didn't anyone say how hard this would/could be?
Your post is really honest and heartfelt, it always helps to get it out there.
Much Love,
Mimi
Watching my sweet little one scream is one of the most painful and frustrating things I have gone through in parenting (so far!) To not be able to comfort, seems to go against the very thing we are called to do as mothers. Prayer and time. Prayer gave me strength to keep on facing a new day, to keep hope...and in time, as my grandmother said, "this too shall pass"...and it really will! Praise God ;)
much prayers & love
Hey sweetheart. No I don't fully understand about colic, because thankfully my children didn't suffer with it. My nephew did, but I wasn't with him 24/7. I'm not going to paint you sweet words, because I've never been exactly where you are, but I can promise you that I ask God to help you make it through each and every day-every day. Because I have been in a place that He was all I had. I promise you that I'll ask God to help you every single day-Whatever challenges she has today, help her to get through them.
I can tell you that having a child who does not have a 'terminal illness' does not mean that you have to be ashamed for getting frusterated. Just as with Milly-I've watched her scream in pain from the physical therapy from the torticollis. I've questioned God-she's been in PT for almost 2 years, had corrective surgery and is STILL undergoing PT-2 steps forward 5 steps back. It's soo frusterating. She had 70 PT visits last year. I don't know...maybe she'll be a therapist when she grows up. What I'm saying is anyone with a child with any challenges can empathize with you. I want God to just put his hand on her and straighten her out, but so far that's not been in His plan &, like you, I do question why. Did I not go through enough when I was pregnant with her??? Sam was such an easy baby-except he wouldn't let me lay him down for a nap, but that was special bonding time for us. I can remember crying because he wouldn't let me put him down to go to the bathroom. I would hold him, because it was easier than him while I was on the potty, because I felt guilty for putting him down. I think as Christians we all question God from time to time. But, boy, when He speaks to us and we really listen to him IT'S AWESOME!! Given how you feel I would say you're pretty 'normal' :) LOL!
I enjoyed our short visit the other day! Milly was telling everybody at Bible School that there was a baby in our house today..so sweet! She doesn't forget anything.
Love You So Much! Emilee
Ya know, at times, I thought my gas was going to tear our family apart too. But that's different... :)
Seriously though, I'm glad to hear your new perspective. Trying to know the mind of God is much more difficult than knowing the heart of God. Indeed (as you alluded) we can trust in His goodness and cry out in prayer for his mercy, even when we don't see it come. It's a sweet and bitter providence that the Lord works in some seasons of our lives. I'll pray that God might bring a sweet season for your little one.
Michelle, I love you sooo much. I know you can read between my lines!!
I loved your post and how you realized that you may be approaching prayer with God wrong and have decided to change directions. Amazing.
I also wanted to say that if you check out this blog: http://www.jennepper.com/
and persue her prior posts, she talks alot about her daughter having very very bad gas and acid reflux that may be helpful for you in your situation. I'm sure you've seen the specialists, tried all the "tricks" but perhaps there's still something out there that can help. The Lord WILL be answering your prayers, but perhaps you just need to go out and get that answer. =)
Oh Shell!!! Sleep Deprivation always brings those tough, raw emotions to the very surface of our heart and spoken from our lips. It's okay, and all mothers know this. If they deny it, then they are lying to themselves that they too were once there long ago. My mom's water broke with me after a car accident at 6 months. She was bed-ridden with me at York General (in RH off of Ebenezer) until my due date. In the meantime my stomach didn't develop and for the next 9 months after delivery my mom lived the life you are living right now. I often hear her stories and apologize as an adult for my infancy issues, though I remember them not. In her own brokeness, she finally asked God not to heal me (although it was on her agenda) but for her own peace in how to deal with her new normal. The gas, pain, screams, and sleepless nights didn't magically disappear....but her anger for the situation and even me at times was slowly released as she gave it to God.
You also talked frankly about it pulling apart a family, and your honestly is so refreshing. My parents were so young when they married and in turn had me, and the added stress of a "difficult" child indeed began to fracture what was until then a perfect marriage. Her words, in hindsight, were always spoken in anger to my dad who'd come home from working 12 hours for his family. It wore and wore on their marriage that first year of my life until she and my dad began asking for patience and accomodations for my needs, not the answers or cure.
As cliche' as it sounds, this too will pass. You've already come this far. As extroverted as you are, begin to show others "the Hold" that will pacify her at nursery. Although you feel obligated to spend your church time in the bathroom to quiet her, see if the nursery workers can walk her outside??
This sounds so silly, but have you bought any of those foam earplugs?? While you are holding her, and walking her, it will lessen the decibal levels of her scream. Sometimes it's the actual volume of the screaming that causes us such anxiety, not the duration. If you can lessen one of those in the equation, kudos to you!! I love you girl! Can I come over tomorrow and force you out of the house??? I'm absolutely serious!!! I have your street address, just not the house number. I will CC: this all to your gmail. Let's talk soon...in fact....I'm calling you right now. Lord, I hope you are not alseep.
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