I Want To Die

In my last post I shared some of the ugly sins God is uprooting in my heart. On top of all of those, God has exposed a twisted root system so deep and dark, it wraps around the core of my being and tries to choke out the light inside. There should be an equivalent to AA for people with my "condition". It should be called "People Pleaser's Anonymous".

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I had had a great day. That morning I had the opportunity to walk, talk, and pray with a dear friend going through a difficult time. Soon after she left, I got a phone call from a friend with a question about the Bible. We had a great, long chat in which we discussed the Word and praised God together! Shortly after, I put Beulah down for a nap and had the opportunity to send an encouraging e-mail to a friend who was struggling. And then Andy called to see how my day was.

I found myself telling him what a horrible day it had been. I told him that the first friend didn't leave till lunch, then I got the phone call, then... As I'm telling him this and hearing the tone in my voice, I'm asking myself, "Why are you telling him it's been a bad day? It's been a GREAT day! You've had the opportunity to talk about the LORD with three different women this morning and you're saying it's been a bad day?!!"

After some thought and prayer, I realized my reason for reacting the way I did. In my mind, Andy wanted to hear me tell him about all the things I had gotten done around the house so far that day. But, I hadn't gotten anything done, so I felt the need to make excuses. At the root, I wanted to please Andy, and I thought cleaning was what would please him. So, when he called, I reacted in defense of the imaginary expectations I thought he had placed on me (but I had really placed them on myself). I found myself pointing out all the things I had gotten done in hopes of overshadowing the things I hadn't done.

The Counselor (the Holy Spirit) showed me that I had been acting this way ever since I stopped working outside the home and began my job as "stay-at-home-mom". I assumed I knew what Andy expected of me, and it was all about cooking and cleaning. So, when I didn't get those things done, I became grumpy and defensive with him. The only days that were "good" days were ones where I had been productive in our home. It made me so sad to think of the many many times Andy called to see how my day was going and I answered negatively. I realized what a burden this must have been to him, how it must have effected his days, and I wondered why he kept calling! God has blessed me with a patient and loving husband!

As I began to process how my desire to please Andy affected my behavior, God opened my eyes to my unconscious goal to please everyone--to be liked and accepted by everyone. He walked me back through my life and showed me examples of times that I bowed to the idol of others rather than to Him. Throughout my life, I've done whatever I thought people might like in order to gain their approval. When I was 17, that meant drinking and smoking, among other things. (Peer pressure is rooted in people pleasing.) To illustrate my point, I was voted "Best Personality" of my senior class. I also tied with another girl for "Friendliest". ...whatever it took to be liked! After college, my plan was to be a professional dancer. God knew that my deepest desire was to be well known and well liked, so He thwarted my plans by allowing me to break my neck. (Dang, I must have been stubborn!) He protected me from a lifelong pursuit of vain glory!

As an adult, people pleasing has meant being "that friend"...you know, the best friend everybody had. The friend that paid attention to their wants and needs and fulfilled them better than anyone else--the one that said just the right thing to change your life and move you closer to the Lord. My desire to be liked was so great that I would get physically ill if someone was upset with me. I literally couldn't function until I made things right.

As He walked me through my life and revealed the manifestations of my sin, He gave me a vision; I saw it in my mind, not with my eyes. I looked down and could see inside myself. I could see thick, black, gnarly roots twisting into knots around the organs in my abdomen. It was incredibly dark inside, but there was also a great light underneath, where my heart is. Unfortunately, the ugly root system was hiding the light.

I felt overwhelmed by this vision. When I shared it with Andy, I said desperately, "I don't know how to get it out! How do I get it out??!!" I knew it was something I couldn't do alone.

A week or so later was the Eternal women's retreat. The topic just so happened to be "Surrender". We worshipped, talked, and prayed about what things in our lives we needed to surrender to the LORD. As we worshipped on the first night, God showed me that I needed to surrender my people pleasing personality. I wondered who I would be without it. People pleasing has been the core of who I am! Would people like me if I wasn't constantly trying to make them like me? But, then I thought (and I'm not proud of this thought) "hummm...if I surrender my people pleasing personality, then I'll be perfect and everyone will think I'm the best!" I thought, "I'll surrender this, then when I tell everyone what God has done in my life, they'll look at ME and see ME as some highly spiritual person and admire me!" Yikes...and I say again, YIKES.

Instantly, God began to show me how I had been using Him for MY glory. In the past, when I shared what God had done in my life, I had done it in such a prideful way, thinking, "Look at me! Look how spiritual I am!" People pleasing is rooted in pride. I had actually felt proud that people might see me that way. Then God said, "You have been trying to share in MY glory, and it's time to stop. What I do for you should point to ME, not you. It's not about you."

I was so heartbroken by my sin that I sat down while everyone else was standing and began to pray. I asked God to forgive me, and told Him I wanted to die. I felt so much shame in that moment, that all I could say was, "God, kill me! Kill the flesh in me and fill me so full of YOU that there is none of me left. And, then, God, don't even let me be aware that you've done it, because if I'm aware, I'll be prideful and want others to see how great I am!"

I had another vision. I looked down and saw inside myself again. This time, the gnarly roots began to retreat. As they loosened their grip on my core, the light inside got a little brighter and began to overtake the darkness.

Then God spoke through Anita, who was leading the retreat, and reminded me that He had already died for ALL my sins; past, present; and future...including this one! Allowing this sin to remain in my life is like saying that what Christ did on the cross was not enough.

The Spirit brought the verses that I just so happened to be memorizing to my mind.
*Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. The life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."
*2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."

I realized that my flesh, the one I asked God to kill, was already dead! I had been crucified with Christ on the cross! But, if that's true, why do I still deal with sin? Within the week, God led me to an article in the May 2010 edition of Tabletalk Magazine. The article titled Being and Becoming, points out that before Christ, we are slaves to sin. But, upon coming to faith in Christ, we are no longer in bondage to sin. Sin was once our master, but now Christ is our LORD. He has overcome sin and the wages of sin, death. Praise Jesus! W. Duncan Rankin says, "...now [we are] able to believe, to repent, to love God, to love God's people, and to love a world in need of a Savior. Now we are able to hunger and thirst for God. Now we are able to loathe sin and fight against it. And fight we must!" He goes on to say, "We fight sin because we love God and want to bring Him glory. But this is not a lonely struggle of our flesh against all the demons that plague us. Rather, it is a deliberate and conscious battling against sin in our lives, but always in union with Christ (Romans 8:13-18). We do not fight alone or even merely in our own strength. Instead, we are one by faith and by the Spirit with our Savior and Head. And so by His grace and strength, we are able to engage in this battle against sin, using all the tools He has provided, because He Himself also fights for us...It is not automatic but something that requires our positive effort...we must therefore strain every nerve to kill the sins that plague us so (Romans 8:13; Colossians 3:5)."

I had another vision. I saw two of me, one inside the other. One of me was actually dead, zombie-like. She was corroded and shriveled with grayish skin, course and brittle hair. She represented my flesh, the one who died when Christ came into my life. The other me was radiant. She glowed with light and radiated love. I named the zombie inside "Gloria", because she was always seeking my glory. She wanted to be praised by others, even if that meant stealing glory from God.

Suddenly, in my vision, Gloria was no longer in me. Now we were standing face to face, and she was u.g.l.y. I hated her. I knew she had no place in me, so I told her she was no longer welcome; she could no longer steal glory from God. In my attempt to put her to rest for good, I (in the power at work within me) chained my zombie in her grave where she belongs. I committed to not give her power in my life anymore, and asked God to make me aware when the chains are loosed and Gloria begins to have influence in my life again. I asked God to help me see her coming and give me the strength to fight her. I pictured myself punching her in the face and chaining her to the ground once again. I committed to the fight.

Then I had another vision. I looked down and saw inside myself once again. This time, the gnarly roots retreated completely and released their grip on me. Like a tree in the dirt, I saw the roots being drug down my right leg and out of my right foot until they were completely gone and my body was filled with light! Glory Hallelujah!!

John 12:24 "I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But, if it dies, it produces many seeds."

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So, how does my life look different without Gloria (not saying I won't have to fight her anymore)? Honestly, you may not see a difference. The difference is in the stature of my heart. The difference is in how I respond to criticism from others and in who I aim to please. When I'm not worried about whether others will like me, I am free to do what the LORD wants me to do regardless of how they respond. Because, let's be honest, sometimes the LORD asks us to do things that we know others won't like. And, living a Christian life should mean that we look starkly different than the world. People pleasers don't want to be different, they just want to fit in. Without this concern, His power is unleashed within me to affect the world for His glory, not my own.

From the lyrics of a song, "It all comes down to just one thing, knowing Him and making Him known."

Hello, my name is Michelle, and I'm a recovering People Pleaser. All glory to God.