Redemption Day!

I am officially renaming Mother's Day "Redemption Day" starting this year. If you have followed my infertility and adoption blog, you know that Mother's Day has been a day of dread for me for six years. Four years ago on Mother's Day I thought I would "buck up" and go to church to help hand out flowers and serve muffins to the moms there. That wasn't the best idea. The next year I didn't go to church on Mother's Day because I didn't want to have to stay seated if the moms were asked to stand to be recognized. Two years ago I thought it'd be easier if I spent Mother's Day with my mom. It helped to focus on her instead of me. Last year was even better as we were awaiting a child through adoption. Even though I wasn't actually a "mom" on Mother's Day, I was close enough to celebrate in faith that I would be soon.

Now, in 2009, God has not only blessed me with a precious baby, this Sunday we will have the privilege of baptizing her on the day that has haunted me for so long. I can't think of a more perfect redemption than that! (In case you're interested or just curious, here is some literature regarding infant baptism, and here is a sermon by Pastor Skip MacMillan of our church, Eternal, in Fort Mill.)

Late at night, as I'm feeding my precious little girl, I tell her about all the years we've waited for her. I tell her the story of how she got here and what a miracle she is, and I can't help but weep. Then I praise God for his grace in allowing me to be the mother of this child that He has already used to bring glory to Himself, and I pray that her little life would always be "to the praise of His glory." (Ephesians 1:11-14)

The greatest lessons I've learned in the short time I've been a mom are 1) we are not in control, and 2) love for your child is different than any love you've ever known.

1) As individuals, especially as adults, we deceive ourselves by thinking we have some sort of control over our lives. We can make things go the way we want to some extent. But, as a parent you realize what little control you actually have. You can't make your newborn eat. You can't take away her pain. You can't...(Insert your own experience here.) You have no choice but to pray and trust that He will help your little one in ways that you can't. The good news is, He will! He hears your prayers on their behalf, and His mercies are new everyday! Praise the LORD!

2) You've known love for your parents, siblings, other family and friends, your spouse, but love for a child...that's a new sort of love that can't really be described. I think my mom said it best. As she was holding her new grand-baby, she said, "God has to condition our hearts for this, because if He didn't, it'd burst right open." When I hear that people are in pain, I feel bad for them and try to pray for them, but when my baby is in pain, I cry and beg God for mercy on her behalf. Beulah has been having some intestinal issues. As she was crying out in pain last night and we were asking God for help, God said, "Now you know how I felt watching my Son on the Cross." Woah. How's that for perspective? And He endured that for us? I didn't really understand that pain until I experienced love for my own child.

There is nothing like the moment when your infant looks into your eyes and smiles with recognition. The first time your baby stops crying when she is put in your arms will melt your heart. And when she's older and she comes running to you crying when she's sick or hurt...that's what makes you her mama.

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there. To those of you who are still waiting, I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel OK about Mother's Day approaching. So, I will just say, I love you and am praying for your Redemption Day. If you need to talk, I am here.

Thanks, Matt Mow, for the amazing photo!

Sweet Angel

HELLO! I am finally poking my head out of my shell to share some pictures of my sweet angel, straight from Heaven! Thank you all for your calls, texts, e-mails, cards, food, gifts, etc. I'm sorry I have not responded before now. It is certainly no reflection of how we feel about you all. We are so grateful for you and are eager to share with you this miracle that you've prayed with us for.

Whenever I see a newborn, I think, "How did that baby fit in that belly?" I thought the same thing when I saw Beulah. Then, she curled up in this position and I could see. This is one of my favorite pictures because this is how she was in my belly.


Beulah is the most beautiful and amazing baby. We have spent the past four weeks getting to know each other and learning how to care for each other. I'll post the details about all that later. For now, I just want to share my girl with you! She is such a good baby! Praise the LORD! She only cries when she needs something, and a couple of her cries are the cutest I've ever heard. I wish I could accurately describe them with words. I want to get a video tape of them, but when it's happening I'm not really thinking about finding the video camera. :) She hates getting her diaper changed, so when she gets upset we give her a paci. Her cry then turns to this precious little chug and grunt, almost like she's trying really hard NOT to cry. It's SO cute! The other cute cry is when she's had a little food but wants you to know she's not quite finished yet. She roars like a baby tigress. Precious!

Beulah loves sleeping on her daddy's chest. She loves playing bicycle with her mama. We have really enjoyed this special time with her. Of course, there have been challenges (mostly with feeding), but we're figuring it out...with a lot of prayer and patience. Beulah tends to eat more than the average baby. After dropping down to 6 lbs. the first week, she's now up to 8 lbs.! She's growing a double chin that we're very proud of. She has a crazy strong neck and has been lifting her head since day one. We have to be careful that she doesn't sling her floppy body out of our arms when she throws her heavy head around! And as beautiful as she is, she's also a very gassy baby. She burps and toots like a man!

We thank God for the help of our moms. My mom (Ninnie) came the 2nd week. Andy's mom (Nana) came the 3rd week, then Ninnie came back again for the 4th week. Their help and encouragement has been invaluable in this transition. There's something about grandmothers...they can just hold the baby and she falls asleep immediately. They have the touch!

Here's our girl! Welcome to the world, baby girl!

Update from Dad

Hey everybody--Andy here.

I wanted to take a minute and provide you all with a brief update. I know we've gone AWOL on the blog since Beulah was born; we've just been spending all our time enjoying our little girl!

I'm going to post a few more pics from the hospital (although I don't think I know how to do the cool slide show thing like Michelle does!). Speaking of Michelle, I know she really wants to post some of her thoughts very soon, but she has been pretty tied up with feedings. Right now, she's enjoying some much needed rest.

I've been telling everyone I talk to that nursing is not for the faint of heart! We've been working through some challenges with breastfeeding, and I have to say that my wife is absolutely incredible. I'm so proud of her--she's been working so hard to feed Beulah. We visited a lactation nurse today, and the whole experience was incredibly helpful. We're thinking things should get a little easier soon. I'll let Michelle fill you in on all the details. (Oh, I'm going to respectfully ask that you don't send Michelle breastfeeding advice as a result of my post. I don't mean to be rude, and I know that it would all be well-meaning, but it would probably be easier if you entrust us to the pros right now. Thanks for understanding!)

I also wanted to say thanks to everyone who has called, emailed, visited, or brought food. We appreciate everyone's love and support more than you will ever know. I apologize that we've been unable to return all the phone calls and emails just yet. Please know that we are not ignoring you, and we hope to get in touch with everyone soon.

Here are some snippets of fun information that you might not know about how Beulah's birth went down:

1. Beulah was taken by c-section because she was breech. She was folded up inside Michelle with her feet up by her head. When she came out, her little legs just stuck straight up in the air! The nurses had a hard time straightening her out to measure her length!

2. She was a little blue when she came out too, and it took a minute or so for her to really start breathing well. The nurses had to suction her nose and throat and really coax her to cry. It was pretty nerve wracking for daddy who could just stand there and pray! After a few mintues, she turned pink and started breathing normally. I was so happy to hear that cry.

3. The first words that Beulah heard me say were Ephesians 3:14-21. After the nurses had cleaned her off, they took a minute to jot down their records. Beulah was laying under the warming light and I was able to put my hands on her little body, get down really close to her face, and say those verses. I had practiced for several days leading up to her birth, and it was the most special thing for me to be able to have that moment with her.

4. During the operation, I actually was able to peek over the curtain and watch them pull her out. I didn't think I'd be able to handle looking at Michelle's open incision, but in that moment when the doctor said "Here she comes!" I couldn't help but look. I actually got a few really good pictures of them pulling Beulah out. They won't make it to the internet, but you can see them if you come over to our house (and you're not totally grossed out by that sort of thing. Don't worry, I would be totally grossed out too if it wasn't my wife and daughter.)

OK--I think that's all for now. I need to go to bed.

On behalf of my two beautiful girls, goodnight, and we love you all.

Andy

Beulah is Here!!!!

Beulah Grace Crissinger:

Born on April 4, 2009 at 9:48 am.
6 lbs. 12 oz.; 18.5 inches long
Blue eyes, dark hair

We are so thankful for all your prayers!

To those of you who are local, we are at CMC Pineville. We welcome visitors on Sunday and Monday, but the hospital has a no visitor policy from 2-4 pm.

All praise to our great God!

Final Thoughts Before D-Day!

1. One day while I was praying for Beulah, I asked God to help me to be a selfless mother. I don't want tiredness or my own selfish desires to effect the way I respond to or show love to Beulah. So, in my prayer I said, "Help me to be all about HER." Then, like a slap to the back of my hand, I almost audibly heard Him say, "Don't you mean, 'Help me to be all about YOU?'" My heart sank. How easy it is to forget the proper order of things.

I then started to think about all of the problems that come from putting your children before God. After teaching in the pubic schools, it's easy to spot that misalignment simply by the way the child believes s/he is the center of everybody's universe (not just his/her parents' universe). They experience a tremendous amount of frustration and confusion when they realize that they will never be the center or anyone else's universe (until they're married or have children of their own). When they think it's all about them, they don't understand when their teacher, coach, boss, etc. doesn't put them on a pedestal like mommy and daddy do. But, if we put God at the center of our universe, the child sees that and realizes there's something greater than him/her. Modeling the behavior we want our children to emulate is one of the greatest teaching tools we have. It would be very easy for me to blindly allow that misalignment to happen in our family after waiting so many years to be a mommy. So, I will have to constantly check my priorities once she's here.

2. God has set the precedent for parenthood from before Beulah was even conceived. Because of our experiences with infertility, we have learned that we are not in control, He is. When we thought we may be in danger because of Vesa Previa, we had to rely on prayer and His grace for healing. When the placenta lakes were found and the doctors told us they may have to take her early, we had to trust His sovereignty. When the doctors told me I had to keep watch over fetal movement as a result of bleeding, He showed me that He loves her more than I do, and I won't have to worry. Her life is in the LORD's hands, the most capable hands. Besides that fact that I am not in control, that He loves her more than me, and that she is His child, it's comforting to know that He knit her together in my womb. (Psalm 119)

3. Despite my desire to deliver her naturally, God has given me such a peace about having a c-section. Thank you for your prayers about this. As disappointed as we were not to get to meet her Thursday, we were also very thankful for the extra couple of days. We had worked so hard to get the house ready for her homecoming that we were worn out and tense on Thursday morning, even though we didn't realize it until we came down from our high of thinking we were going to get to hold our daughter in our arms that day. But, God knew. In his sovereign mercy, He gave us a couple of extra days of rest. And, as I showered tonight in preparation for tomorrow, I felt so relaxed, calm, excited, and peaceful. I couldn't be more thankful to our God who knows our every need and works everything out for our good. What a loving God He is! Even when we don't understand what's happening at the time, we can trust His love and sovereignty.

4. I'm going to meet my daughter tomorrow!! (Hopefully!)

Postponed!

Humph...well, folks, the c-section has been postponed till Saturday. Apparently God wasn't ready for Beulah to come into the world today, so He created so much chaos in the Operating Room that there wasn't even a room for me to stay in today! So, we'll do it all again Saturday. At least we've gotten the house ready and I can rest my fat feet now for a couple more days. :) And, Beulah has a couple more days to "cook". That's always good. As my friend Christie said, "God must have something up his sleeve!" It's all in His control. Love to you all, and thanks for the prayers!!

TOMORROW!!!

I can't believe that tomorrow I will be holding my daughter in my arms!!! Pray for a safe arrival into the world. Come back sometime after lunch to see some pictures!! Love you all! Thanks to those who have already been praying!

The Last Belly Pix Before Beulah!!

My friend Leslie Hutchison took these beautiful pictures for me last week. Check out her website by clicking on the link. She's amazing!!

The Nursery Tree

Beulah's awesome Aunt Ria used her artistic skills to add this beautiful tree to the nursery! The branches reach over Beulah's crib. I LOVE it! All that's left is for us to add the following verse. Perfect, huh?!!

Proverbs 13:12 (ESV)
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

Deadline!!

I had my 37 week appointment Friday. Yay! We're officially full term! Praise God!! Since Beulah has still not turned, the Doctor scheduled a c-section for Thursday, April 2nd. As soon as he left the room, I looked at Andy and said, "OK, God's got a deadline now!" :)

I have to admit, I went through a sort of grieving process (for the potential loss of labor) Friday and Saturday morning. I didn't call or talk to anybody because I knew what everyone was going to say. I KNEW what I SHOULD be thinking and feeling. "She'll get here in the perfect way God has planned." "When it's over and you see that healthy baby girl, you won't care how she got here!" "The important thing is that you're both safe." I knew I SHOULD be thinking and feeling that way, but I just couldn't make myself.

Some women have said that I'm lucky not to have to labor. They say they wish they could have just been wheeled in for surgery and not have had to go through the hours of work. So, why would I want to labor and need to grieve the loss of it? Crazy or not, honestly I was looking forward to doing the work and that moment of climax when she is born, feeling SO much relief and joy that's she's here and the work is done. Not to mention the fact that God moved my placenta out of the way and has prepared my body for a successful vaginal delivery. Plus, with my background in dance and knowledge of the body, I was looking forward to the physical challenge.

I've talked to several women, close friends and family, that labored for hours, only to end in a c-section. Those women went through a period of grief for their birth experience afterwards. I think it's natural and important to allow women to grieve without guilt. It's a loss for the experience the way God created it. Of course, it wouldn't be good to sit in the grief for too long or to overreact about it (whatever that looks like), but healthy grieving can be important and necessary.

Fortunately, Andy recognized my need to grieve, and prayed with me about it Friday. Saturday morning, I showed my weakness to two moms from church that I respect and admire. While they tried to encourage me, I still could not force myself to feel different. But, about an hour later, as I was being treated to a pedicure (see below) by Beulah's "aunt Danielle" and filling her in on "the plan", I started to get excited! There was an unexplainable difference in my attitude and feelings as I talked about meeting my sweet baby girl in a week and a half!! I could literally FEEL the prayers that Andy and those two moms had prayed for me, and thank God, He lifted what I could not.

I had to surrender MY will and the desires of my heart to God and His sovereignty. I KNOW He knows what's best and I trust that He has His reasons, even if I never know them. Who knows, He could be protecting us from something much worse! There are, after-all, some positive aspects to all this.

1. I have had time to grieve the loss of natural delivery BEFORE my baby comes, rather than after (which is the case for many women).

2. I feel GREAT! I'm pretty sure it's because I don't have a head in my pelvis or feet in my ribs. :)

3. This method is much more predictable and makes planning easy.

4. I will get to sleep through the night next Wednesday (as much as possible with aches, anxiety and excitement), wake up, calmly go to the hospital and meet my baby that morning! Then, I have the rest of the day with her, our parents and siblings.

5. I will meet my baby in a week and a half (after almost 7 years of waiting)!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait!!

Now, does that mean we stop praying that she will turn? NO! If He wants to, God could still turn her before next Thursday! If He does that, I will consider it ANOTHER miracle! If you look at the picture below, Beulah is sitting in the Frank Breech position and has been for quite a while. I can't even IMAGINE how my little chunker could turn from that position with the lack of space she has in there. She seems quite comfortable and doesn't listen to our reason and logic about why she should turn. :) So, it would actually take the hand of God to guide her to the head down position. The statistics say that only 3-4% of babies are still breech by this point in pregnancy. And, as the high risk doctor told us, babies have typically declared their position by now. But, what does God care about statistics? If He wants to, He'll turn her. I know that for sure!



I've never been a girlie girl. I've had MAYBE three pedicures my whole life. Green is my favorite color, and I've typically avoided pink. But, when you're pregnant with a little girl, you can't help but think of her when you see pink. So, I chose pink as my toenail color in honor of her arrival. :)



Look at that Belly! This was taken at 36.5 weeks.

Pray with Us

Today I am 35+ weeks. Saturday I will be 36 weeks; NINE MONTHS PREGNANT!!! Unbelievable!!

We started our appointment with an ultrasound to see if Beulah has turned. I knew she hadn't, but I was excited to see her again anyway. We were SHOCKED to hear that our "little" girl has gained more than a pound in less than two weeks!! She is weighing in at a whopping 6 lbs 3 oz!! The tech said she's going to come out will fat rolls!! Check out this beautiful picture of her FAT little cheeks! I had fat cheeks 'til I graduated college. Guess she's going to take after her mama!


This is a straight on shot of her face. Her eyes are faded into the dark top, so you're looking at her nose, lips and CHEEKS!! What a little chunker!!

She is still sitting with her bottom at the bottom of my uterus and her head at the top. Her LONG gorgeous legs (measuring at 39 weeks!) are straight up in front of her face. :) She's a flexible little bugger; again, like her mama!

The doctor recommended doing an external cephalic version TOMORROW, before she gets any bigger! Basically, I would have to go to the hospital, be put on an IV, medicated to relax the uterus, and the doctors would turn Beulah with their hands, externally. They would have to monitor her heart rate and my fluid, and if there were any signs of complications (cord entanglement, etc.), they would have to go ahead and take her. There is only a 50% success rate, and even less with first time moms.

Because of the risks involved, the drugs required, the stats, and the fact that we want to leave it in God's hands, we decided against the version. We are stepping out on faith and trusting that God knows what's best. We believe whole heartedly that He can turn her and do a better job than the doctors. We also believe that He is sovereign over her birth. If I have to have a c-section because she doesn't turn, we believe He has His reasons for that. We would LOVE to see Him turn her (against all odds) and get all the glory for it rather than the doctors. So, we ask that you pray for that with us. She is currently only consuming the space from my mid-line to the left of my uterus. It appears that she has plenty of space to use the right side of my uterus, and she is VERY active (see video taken this week--35 weeks). So, there is no reason to believe she is settled into her birth position yet...not to mention we serve a God who specializes in the "impossible!" :)


Beulah moving 35 weeks from Michelle Crissinger on Vimeo.

I bust out laughing at the end because Andy was watching with his mouth hanging open saying, "Woah!!!!!"

Things I didn't know about pregnancy

First of all, I have to thank all of my friends and family who talked candidly to me over the past several years about their pregnancy and birth experiences. While not everyone wants to hear all of the stories, I typically ask to hear them because I like to be as informed as possible. Of course, there are things you shouldn't say to a pregnant woman under any circumstance...but that's a different post. :) For now I'll just say that the knowledge I gained from hearing other women's experiences helped prepare me so much that there wasn't much I hadn't already heard. However, here are a few things that slipped by me.

I didn't know...

1. that your hips start spreading early in pregnancy. I went to the gym one day and couldn't fit into the pants I had worn the week before! I had to leave and go home!

2. that your feet grow at least a half size. From what I hear, they stay that way! I guess when we think of buying maternity clothes we can't leave out shoes! But, I have found that Dr. Scholls inserts help big time with arch support!

3. how flakey and dry my skin would be. It doesn't matter how much lotion I put on! I should just start wearing oil.

4. how bad "mommy mush brain" can actually be. I can send an e-mail reminding someone of something and forget it myself by the next day!

5. about "pregnancy miseries". As our high risk doctor said, "It's not intended to be a funny name. The pains are very real and can be intense. But, fortunately, they're typically not harmful."

6. that it's hard to talk to people about your birth plans because they have their own experiences (or know someone who...) that have permanently colored their beliefs.

7. that the dog I've had for 6 years, the one I used to think of as my baby, would absolutely drive me crazy during pregnancy! He has become the most needy creature. He sits across the room and just stares at me without moving. It's very unnerving. Apparently it's pretty common for pets to change their behavior because they sense you are changing.

8. that being a passenger in a car would be the most stressful event in my life. I KNOW I'm overreacting, but I can't help it! Whoever is driving never stops soon enough and all other cars are WAY too close to me.

9. about "placenta lakes" or that they can be "normal".

The Nursery!!

We are READY for Ms. Beulah! We worked hard last week to get the nursery ready before our families came. I did more than I should have as evidenced by my swollen feet and ankles. :) I wish we could take a picture of the whole room at once because the full effect is REALLY cozy and we LOVE it! But, here you'll see it in pieces. The nursery is actually connected to our bedroom. It is intended to be a study, but it makes a perfect nursery! We LOVE looking in there and anticipating her being in there soon! My dad is refinishing the rocking chair that has been passed down from when my mom was a baby. I was rocked in that chair too. So, that will replace the black chair when he's finished.

Latest Beulah Pix!

Saturday our families came to town and we got to take them all to see a 3D ultrasound of Beulah! It was wonderful to hear the oohs and aahs of Beulah's Ninnie & Paw Paw, Nana & Pop Pop, Aunt Heather, and of course Mom & Dad. Beulah weighed in at a whopping 5 lbs. 1 oz! She had gained 2 oz since Monday!

Beulah is super flexible like her mom. The tech had a hard time getting a good picture of her face because her feet and hands were in front of her face the whole time! She is sitting on her little bottom (which is on my bladder), and just plays with her feet all day. What a life! And, what a treat to see her. At one point, we even got to see her open her eyes and move her eye ball around! I can't believe it's possible to see her in such detail when she's still inside my belly. I thank God for our precious little girl, and in 3-6 weeks we'll get to hold her in our arms!! I can't even handle it!!!

sweet fingers



bottom of her foot: See those yummy, chubby toes?!!

Turn Around, Bright Eyes

We've known for a while that Beulah was breech. I mean, when I get up in the middle of the night, I can feel her head up in my ribs, almost like she's standing straight up! I keep telling her there's more room "down there" for her head to grow, but she's not listening to me. :) Monday, the high risk doctor told us that at this point babies are pretty much settled into their birth position.

So, we're praying she turns very soon. I mean, the placenta has moved out of the way completely and everything is in place for me to have a natural birth...except Beulah. While I will be more than thrilled to meet her no matter how she gets here, and I trust that God is sovereign over her birth, I pray that I will be able to experience a natural birth. I went online and looked at several different methods recommended to help a breech baby turn. If I'm not careful, I could get obsessed trying them all and thinking about it all the time. So, while I'm praying that she will turn, I'm also praying that I can remember that I am not in control and I can trust God in whatever happens. I appreciate your prayers about this too.