The Jesus Storybook Bible

Beulah's Uncle David & Aunt Heather sent her this Bible as a gift. They read it with their kids and have found it to be a Christ-centered approach to the Bible stories. Andy ordered it for children's church and it came with an audio recording of the entire book! So, Andy and I listened to the first two stories the other night and LOVED it! We decided to use it as a family devotional for now, and we'll revisit it time and again as Beulah grows. Thanks, David & Heather! Check it out!

Seriously?!

After I saw this segment, I went on Facebook and took off the two bath-time pictures of my INFANT naked. Unbelievable!


And again, SERIOUSLY?!

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Beulah, 3-5 months!!

My baby girl is five months old! I can't believe it!! The biggest privilege and greatest joy in my life right now is to watch her interact with and respond to the world around her. I love to see her reactions to each new sight, sound or sensation. I knew all these milestones were coming, but I never anticipated how much joy each one would bring me.

Beulah is super alert and always afraid she's going to miss something. She has a big personality and a big smile to match it (as you can see in the pictures)! My new favorite sound is the sound of her laughter (see video), which is more frequent every day, especially since we've discovered that she's ticklish! One thing that will make her laugh every time (even if she's fussy) is Pedro. She squeals and giggles at him every time she sees him. He is so good with her, and they "play" together all the time. She also enjoys seeing herself in the mirror. Put her in front of one, and you're guaranteed at least a smile.

We've recently discovered that Beulah LOVES books. She gets a free book each month from the Dolly Parton Imagination Library, and we try to read to her each night before bed. Last month she received a sweet cardboard book called Peekaboo Morning. Its illustrations are colorful and its language is simplistic. We read it to her one night, and she seemed to get really excited, squealing and kicking her feet. So, we decided to read it to her again the next night. When we pulled it out and she saw it, she got so excited, she started moving her whole body! The third night, when Andy showed it to her, she gasped and looked at him in the eyes as if to say, "Are you serious?! Thanks, dad!" Yay, books!

Beulah's favorite toys are hands and feet. Whether hers or someone else's, she loves to play with them. She especially loves looking at painted toe nails. I was SO excited when she started sucking her toes. Precious! She seems bored with all the real toys we have, and would much rather play with a cup, water bottle, or Tupperware lid. She prefers toys that hang so she can grab and bat at them. Be sure to check out the picture of her nursing the elephant's trunk. Hilarious! And, what a joy it was to watch her roll over for the first time! It's so amazing to watch a tiny, helpless human become more independent and mobile every day! We love it when she joins us for dinner, sitting in her Bumbo seat (which she loves!) on the table top. Cuteness!

It appears that Beulah will have quite a sense of humor. For about a week, she started talking in a funny voice that we labeled the "man voice". She would tuck her chin, looking at you out of the tops of her eyes, and talk in this deep, throaty voice. So funny! And, at night, when she's tired, she either gets really silly or really grumpy. If she's grumpy, WATCH-OUT! Especially if we're trying to put her in her car seat; she will stiffen her body so tight that we can't bend her to sit her down!

Beulah visited my parents' house for the first time in July, and Andy's parents' in August. She met her great-grandmother on her visit to FL. It was such a blessing to see her interact with that great woman, and get some pictures of them together. Beulah also got to go swimming for the first time in her Nana & Pop Pop's pool! She LOVED it, which was no surprise since she loves baths so much.

Last month, it was a big deal for baby AND mama when Beulah went to the church nursery for the first time! That morning, I felt very strongly that I needed to put her in the nursery. When I got there and saw that there were nursery workers who I loved and trusted and who knew Beulah, I felt comfortable leaving her with them. Sure, I had so many butterflies in my stomach that I could have thrown-up, but I didn't even check on her one time during service! And, when I went to pick her up, my sweet friend Kylie was holding Beulah the same way I hold her when she's in pain. I didn't even tell her! God orchestrated that for sure! It was very healing for me to be in worship again. I am so thankful that we have a safe place for our babies while we focus on the LORD.

We finally took the changing pad out of Beulah's crib! Sometimes, she would wake up and start playing with the mobile; batting at the animals. As she reached up, she pushed with her feet and would end up with her head off the end of the changing pad. So, we took it away to see what would happen. And, lo and behold, the child flipped over onto her belly and went to sleep! We put her down on her back, and every single time, she flips to her stomach to go to sleep. As you can imagine, this helps with the legs flying up in the air. :) So, she is now a stomach sleeper who only wakes up twice a night and takes hour and a half naps! Praise the LORD!!!

Life is good. :)

Beulah & Pedro Playing from Michelle Crissinger on Vimeo.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

There I sat with a sleeping baby in my arms. Thus began the anxious dance of putting her down without waking her up. If you've been there, you KNOW what I'm talking about. Exhausted, you will do ANYTHING to make the transfer from your arms to the crib successful. And if it is, you stand by the crib holding your breath for the next several minutes, praying she won't realize what you've done, causing you to have to start the lengthy dance over again. Is this how everybody does it? If so, is it as maddening to you as it was to me?! Well, I guess when you have to do it upwards of five times a night, anybody would go mad.

The problem for us from the beginning was that Beulah's sucking reflex triggered sleep; whether while nursing or taking a bottle. Maybe it's that way for all newborns. I did everything suggested to keep her awake while nursing, but to no avail. This was only reinforced when Beulah's gas was really bad and we had a hard time getting her to eat. On many occasions, we had to walk around the house with her until she was relaxed and almost asleep, and then I would nurse her to sleep. Sometimes this was the only way to get food in her. While she nursed, she would pass the gas because she was so relaxed. So, after much frustration in trying to keep her awake, we gave in and committed to the dance. At times, when I was really tired, it would make me crazy. Other times, I had to laugh at how silly we looked trying to stand and walk without shifting our weight or body position so as to alert her to our trickery. The dance was complicated by the fact that if we didn't put the paci in her mouth as soon as we laid her down, she would wake up. She had to be sucking on something at all times. So, when the paci fell out, we had to go in and replace it...that is, if she hadn't woken up so much that we had to start over again. We dreamt up ways of keeping the paci in her mouth, but none of them would have passed a safety inspection. So, we kept putting the dumb thing back in until she was too asleep to notice it had fallen out.

Beulah started sleeping in her car seat (as advised by the pediatric nurse) early on because of her reflux. During that time, she only woke once a night. That was very manageable. But, at around 3 months, we had to get her out of the car seat. We wanted to make the transition easier by providing a place for her to sleep that would help her to feel secure and cozy. So, we let her sleep on her contoured changing pad in the crib and used a small wedge to slightly raise her upper body. We quickly learned that sleeping flat on her back was not one of Beulah's gifts. When she had gas (and because of her breech position in the womb), her legs would fly up in the air and wake her up. Sometimes she would have only been asleep for about 15 minutes when this would happen. Swaddling her just made her mad. I even tried to put her down on her stomach, but that freaked her out and she cried. This is when the insomnia began for me.

During the day, if I put her down, she'd wake up after 20 minutes or less. If she only got sleep in 20 minute intervals, by the end of the day, she (and I) would be overtired and therefore had an even harder time falling asleep. So, many days I held her while she slept. That way, she could sleep an average of two hours. But, what was I doing during this time? NOTHING! Sure, I was bonding with my baby. But, the anxiety about the things I could be doing increased as the hours passed. If I could, I would have slept too. But, unfortunately, that was a rare occasion. I'm a very light sleeper and hear every little sound. I also worry about my movement waking her up. So, I lay there anxiously wishing I could turn over to get more comfortable. Besides that, it's hard for me to relax with her right next to me with all the thoughts of SIDS and suffocation running through my head. The few times I attempted it, I only reached a twilight sleep and woke frequently to make sure her airways were clear.

One night, as I lay awake, I was praying for wisdom on how to help her stay asleep in her crib. I thought it might help if we made her feel like she was still sitting like she had been in the car seat. So, I came up with the idea of folding blankets and putting them under her legs, up against her bottom, so that her legs wouldn't have as far to go when they flew up or settled down. This seemed to help...very little.

Now, here's where you're going to laugh. I can laugh about it now. At the time I didn't think it was funny at all. We started dreaming up ways of keeping her legs from flying up. So, I made a cloth rice bag to lay across her feet. We had to place it below her knees so that if her legs flew up with enough force, they wouldn't throw the rice bag onto her face and suffocate her. Can you see the ridiculous thought process we were going through? That didn't work either. She just kicked it off. So, I tried using the strap on the changing pad to hold her legs down. We were desperate. Go ahead. Laugh. It's crazy. I know. Yeah, you guessed it. That didn't work either. It was time for a change.

Andy can sleep through anything. So, at that point, I moved into the guest bedroom and we moved Beulah's changing pad to our bed. Andy would sleep next to her with his hand on her legs, keeping them from flying up. Sometimes that worked. But, when she woke completely up, he brought her to me to nurse back to sleep. This was much more manageable, because at least I could sleep in between feedings. But, this was happening up to five times a night, and frankly, I was tired of being used as a pacifier. I desperately needed someone else to be able to put her to sleep too so that the pressure wasn't always on me to be there. After three weeks of living like this, we had both had it. Our family was not healthy. We were all exhausted and committed to doing whatever it took to change this situation. Why did we wait so long? Because if she was waking due to pain, we wanted to comfort her to let her know we are there when she needs us. We couldn't bear the thought of her suffering alone.

First, we read up on all the ways you can train your baby to sleep. We were doing most of the techniques to encourage sleep already: a consistent bedtime routine, familiar sounds and sights in her room each night, keeping the lights off for nighttime feedings, etc. But, here's the breakdown of the problems we were having.
* Beulah couldn't put herself to sleep. She relied on us to sooth her back to sleep when she woke.
* The paci. Enough said.
* Being put down asleep caused her to be scared and confused when she woke, so she sought comfort from us.
* Frequent waking was hurting the whole family.
* Co-sleeping was not an option because I wouldn't rest well.

We were already doing a great deal of what "no-tears" proponents recommend, and they were not working for us. If we were to stick to that method, it would take a considerable amount of time, and we didn't have a lot of time. We were falling apart. Our first goal was to un-do her need to suck to sleep, and that was not going to happen without some tears. If we had been able to keep her awake while feeding from the beginning, I believe the no-cry method could have worked. But, that wasn't the case.

One desperate night, Andy and I were awake searching the internet (separately, and without the knowledge of the other), looking for solutions. I came across an audio program called The Baby Sleep Solution. It was very poorly marketed, and there weren't any reputable reviews that I could find. But, we were desperate, and hoped it might offer something that we hadn't thought of. So, we downloaded it and listened to it that day. It had a couple of ideas we hadn't heard of, but for the most part we were familiar with the suggested methods. What it DID do for us was give us courage. After listening, we realized that no matter what we did, she was going to cry. We were going to initiate a change in what she was used to and comfortable with, and she was not going to like it.

The first step in sleep training is eliminating the possibility that your baby's night waking is caused by a medical condition. We felt confident that was not the case with Beulah after 3 visits to the GI doctor who told us she would grow out of the gas problems as her system matured. We were not so concerned with having her sleep through the night at this point. Our main goal was for her to be able to fall asleep on her own. We knew that once she learned that skill, she would naturally be able to put herself back to sleep when she woke up...eventually. So, that day, I stopped letting her sleep while nursing. I had to be more animated during feedings, which was tricky because I didn't want to distract her from eating. If she got close to sleep, I stopped nursing and burped her. We also decided to switch to bottles during the night. That way, Andy could help me, and she would be less likely to wake for a bottle as opposed to the comfort of nursing. Our plan was to graduate the milk to water ratio (as suggested in The Baby Sleep Solution) over the course of several nights until she eventually got only water. Who would want to wake for that? And, most importantly, we would put her down drowsy but awake.

We divided the nights in half. One of us slept on the couch downstairs while the other was on "duty". I nursed her earlier in the bedtime routine so that she didn't fall asleep. We changed her into her PJs, read her a book, turned down the lights and turned on the sound machine. Then, we sang a song and put her in the crib.

Simply put, it sucked. As a woman who has obsessed about knowing how to meet her baby's needs when she cries, it was very difficult for me to listen and not go in and pick her up. We went in every few minutes and kissed her and told her we loved her, but we had to leave before she fell asleep. There was one saving grace. We had been given a Fisher Price crib attachment that has lights, movement and music that we had not used yet. So, the day before we started this, I attached it to the crib. When she got really upset, I started it up and she seemed comforted and entertained by it. Most times it would settle her down and she would eventually fall asleep.

As I write this, we have been working on this for 5 nights/days, and this week we feel like we have a new life! After only 2 days, I was able to put her down for a nap with no fuss. How long was the nap? TWO HOURS!!!!! Yep! Unbelievable!! Since she is aware of her surroundings when she falls asleep, if she wakes up briefly, she can fall back asleep feeling secure. And, she sleeps longer! Last night she only woke up twice, and one stretch lasted 5.5 hours!! I actually checked to make sure she was still alive! This morning when I laid her in her crib for a nap, she actually smiled! What?! Of course, sometimes she whimpers because she doesn't want to go to sleep, but it doesn't last more than 5-10 minutes, and it's never a full blown cry. Sometimes when she wakes up, she'll start playing with her feet without a peep. It's the most amazing blessing!! Do you have any idea how liberating it is to be able to put her down and not spend the next 10 minutes holding her legs down, praying she'll stay asleep, fearing that she'll wake up after only 20 mins?! For the first time since she was born, I feel like we can work towards a predictable schedule. I'm going to have to relearn how to be FREE again! I might actually get the laundry folded and put away or the dishes done or...SHOWER! Or, (gasp!) Andy and I might actually be able to go on a date since she doesn't need me to fall asleep anymore! Woo hoo!!

What about her gas? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe we had her trained to believe she needed us when she had gas. As her system has matured and she becomes a better burper, her gas seems to be decreasing along with the pain. I've heard her pass gas while she's sleeping, but now she stays asleep or goes right back to sleep instead of calling out for us. Maybe it wasn't that she was in pain when passing gas in the night to begin with. Maybe it was just that the gas woke her up and she realized she wasn't in our arms and wanted to be. Who knows? All I know is, she's sleeping better and longer, and we're all happier.

If you're a "no-cry" proponent, I know this makes you VERY uncomfortable. But, don't feel like you have to tell me all the ways we've screwed up our baby's psyche by letting her cry. Before we started this, I had already tortured myself by reading literature that opposes it. I'm sure they'd say that she doesn't cry when she has gas anymore because she's learned not to trust us since we didn't answer her cries. They'd say, she's decided that her voice is not heard and it won't make a difference if she cries anyway, so she chooses not to. Trust me, we wouldn't have let her cry if we felt like we had another choice. And, I can assure you, I am no less sensitive to her cries. As far as the trust issue goes, all I can do is give it to God. He is sovereign even over this. And, even though He allows me to cry and hurt sometimes, I still trust Him and know He is there for me. I pray it will be the same for Beulah.

The Road to Recovery

Your prayers on our behalf have been heard, and the LORD is faithful! I am thankful to say, we are on the road to recovery and He is healing our family. It's amazing how things can change so much in just three weeks!

At my two week check up, the doctor was very pleased at the progress I've made. He said that with these kinds of results, I wouldn't need to be on the meds for long; probably 3-6 months. My anxiety has decreased drastically, and I am happy to say that I have not had one bout of anger since my last post! I have a lot more peace, joy and patience these days; praise the LORD! Several things have contributed to my recovery.
* the meds.
* getting a lot more rest. Andy has been an enormous help in the night, and has taken good care of me.
* getting help from friends and family. Some have brought dinner, others have come over just to hang out and hold Beulah for a while for me.
* improvements in Beulah's sleep (details on how this happened in the next post)
* encouragement from you guys. Hearing your stories and knowing you're interceding for us has really lifted my spirits.
* Answered prayers.
THANK YOU!!

I believe the Lord is working on me in a couple of ways. Mainly, He's teaching me how to accept help and let the Body function as it was intended (1 Corinthians 12). We are taught by our society that we should be independent; we shouldn't need anybody. But, God intended for us to be interdependent. It's hard to go against what is ingrained in you by your culture. I'm used to being the one who listens when others have problems. I've been told it's one of my gifts to listen and offer support to those who are struggling. I'm NOT used to accepting help. It makes me very uncomfortable to feel needy. But, as some have reminded me, it is for a season. And, we all will have times when we give and times when we need to receive. So, thank you for offering yourself to me and forcing me to accept. I have really needed that.

The second way I believe the Lord is challenging me is in worship. Last week, when Beulah got fussy in the car, I started scanning radio stations looking for something fun to listen to. I stopped scanning when I heard "Come, now is the time to worship." The lyrics that stuck with me that day were, "Come, NOW is the time to worship. Come, JUST AS YOU ARE to worship. Come, JUST AS YOU ARE before your God." I was reminded that we are called to worship despite our circumstances. I learned this through infertility, but somehow when a new challenge arises I forget. The God of the Universe is worthy of our praise simply for who He is, not just for what He does for us.



I love y'all. I am completely humbled by your love and kindness to our family during this time. Thank you for loving on us. I only hope to return the love to you when you need it. Be blessed and encouraged! I am.

Depression Confession

The week after my last post was the best week Beulah and I have had together. I could literally feel your prayers. Those of you that I talked to personally, I told you that things were better; not because the situation had changed, but because God had changed me. That week, I started to write a post about how God had turned my mountain into a mole hill and had given me peace about Beulah’s problems. He opened my eyes to other people's struggles that dwarf ours by a long shot. It put things into perspective and helped me to cope. I also stopped expecting things to go perfectly so that I didn't freak out when they didn't. Andy found his own way to cope. He made the point that Beulah could have been born to any family. What if she had been born to a family with a dad that had anger problems? What would happen to her? Thank you, God, for blessing us with this precious child!

This new perspective certainly helped, but so did YOU. I received such an outpouring of love and support after my last post that I don't have words to express my gratitude. Not only did I discover that there are many MANY more of you that had a rough start with your little one(s), I've also had offer after offer for help. One friend even blocked out a weekly time to help with whatever I happen to need that day! People have brought us food and cleaned our house. Some have even offered to hold Beulah during worship so I could go in to hear the message! You people are amazing!! Thank you, and thank God for meeting me where I am and acknowledging that what I am feeling is very real despite the fact that it pales in comparison to the problems of some others (Romans 14:1). You have been, for us, what God intended community to be (1 Corinthians 12). THANK YOU!!

Now for the update...


The week Andy was in Guatemala, I took Beulah to GA to stay with my parents. Up to that point, Beulah had only been waking one time every night, which didn’t bother me a bit. I actually liked the nighttime feeding. It was a peaceful, quiet time with my little angel, unlike the daytime. Andy didn’t have to help because it wasn’t like I was up for long. But, the week we were in GA, she started waking five or more times each night. After the third night of it, my mom came in around 7 AM when she heard Beulah crying. She offered to take Beulah for me, which I gladly accepted. After I passed her off, I went to another room and stated sobbing. I had already put her down five times and she had just woken right back up. I was exhausted. I went back to sleep for two more hours while Mama took care of Beulah.

Unfortunately, things didn’t get back to “normal” when we got home. She continued waking 5+ times every night. And, because the pattern had been set for me to do the nighttime feedings without Andy’s help, I was doing it alone. He would have helped, but I knew he had to work, so I didn’t ask him to. Several nights she woke up every single hour. Most times, she wouldn’t nap during the day either, unless she was being held by someone. Sadly enough, I can’t sleep with her on or even near me. Trust me, at that point I would have considered co-sleeping if I thought I could sleep. To top it all off, I started to have insomnia. I don’t know whether it was anxiety because I wasn’t sleeping, or if I was just laying there waiting for her to wake up. I was more than exhausted, but I couldn’t sleep. Insomnia helps during the night when your baby wakes up every hour, but it does nothing for the daytime.

After three weeks of this, my mom came to stay a week and help me with Beulah. By that point, I was so exhausted I was literally losing my mind. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. That became more apparent to me every day/night. The second night my mom was there was one of the nights I was up every single hour. At 5 AM, when Beulah started crying, I finally asked Andy if he would go get her. It hadn’t been long since I put her down, and I was getting so angry, I thought it would be better for someone else to care for her. I wasn’t angry at her or even God anymore; I was just angry and tired. Andy tried for about 10 minutes to calm and satisfy her, but nothing was working. I knew that the only thing that would help was nursing. So, very frustrated, I told him to bring her to me. I started nursing her. But, the anger had welled up inside of me and it had to come out. I didn’t want to hurt her, and I didn’t want to break anything, so I just wacked myself in the forehead with my fist two times really hard. That’s when Andy knew that this was serious.

The third night, when Beulah woke up at 10 PM, then 11 PM, then 12 AM and I knew I had the rest of the night like that to look forward to, I lost it again. I left Beulah in the crib crying and I sobbed on my knees in the bathroom. That night, my mom & Andy sent me to the couch with some Tylenol PM (I had been fighting a headache all day) and they did shifts taking care of Beulah. That was the most consecutive hours of sleep I’ve had since Beulah was born. It was great! But, the next day, I was still exhausted and showing signs of anger. So, the fourth night, they sent me to the couch again. The fifth night, I tried to get back in the mix. I was going to take a shift or two. But, when she woke up after having only been asleep for 15 minutes, my reaction made it apparent that I wasn’t quite ready yet. Couch again. You’d think that after three nights on the couch I would have felt better. But, I only felt more exhausted. The next day, Andy called and made an appointment for me to see a doctor about the possibility of postpartum depression (PPD).

The potential need for medication had come up before. But, so many people had warned me about the hormones and how “crazy” I would get after the baby was born, that I thought this was normal. I wouldn’t even consider that I—someone who had waited 6 years for this—could have postpartum depression. I was supposed to be the happiest mother on the earth! I always ignored the articles and chapters on PPD because I thought it could never happen to someone who was so happy to have a baby and I didn't have any of the risk factors. But, Andy, my mom, Andy’s mom, and some others reassured me that THIS was NOT normal. So, I went to the appointment.

The Doctor was great. He took the time to listen and evaluate. He said, “We underestimate our need for sleep.” I told him that the anger was so intense that it was potentially serious. He said, “It’s not ‘potentially serious’, it IS serious.” He recommended medication temporarily to help get me through this rough time. I agreed, because I knew that my stress was passing on to Beulah and creating this cyclical nightmare. So, I, “smiley” (as some have called me in the past), am on Zoloft. Yes, me; the one whose glass is always half full; the one who laughs at every little thing. I am on an anti-depressant.

I still don’t want to call it PPD. In my mind, that would mean that I don’t love and enjoy my baby (that's what I thought PPD was), which is SO not true. I haven’t wanted to harm her nor do I resent her in any way. I adore her! We have loads of fun and laughs during her wake time. It's the feeding and sleeping that trigger the anxiety and anger. I have to remind myself that postpartum depression is not borne out of my heart, it is my body's response to delivery. I also don’t feel what I have imagined people who are depressed feel; no suicidal thoughts. But, if anxiety, anger and a sense that things will never get better is depression, then that’s me. If I submit and call it “postpartum depression”, my fear is that it will steal the glory of God’s miracle in having created Beulah in the first place. But, as my dear mother-in-law and cousin reminded me, the miracle was her conception. Nothing can take that away. God didn’t promise that life would be perfect for me or for her.

I would much rather say that it is “situational depression”; that I am having this anger and anxiety because of our current situation. This is happening to me because I am exhausted, and once I get some rest, it’ll all go away. But, the reality is, there have been signs of this from the first day we brought her home. I have been completely obsessive and neurotic. Our moms saw it. Andy saw it. You may have even seen it too. If you have been reading my posts since she’s been born, you’ll notice that there is a stark change in tone from the posts before she was born.

Sometimes I think that God is into bartering. For example, I thought that this would never happen to me because I suffered through infertility. In other words, if I make it through one trial, I deserve a break. I've earned it. It's my right as a Christian. But, nothing could be further from the truth. Besides the fact that we live in a fallen world and should never expect anything to be perfect (until heaven), just the fact that I'm a human means that I don't deserve anything...well, actually I deserve God's wrath (Romans 3). But, that’s why God sent His son, so that I don’t have to get what I deserve. That’s what mercy is. Instead, I get what I don’t deserve; an inheritance with Christ in Heaven! That’s what grace is. And, that's what really matters; not all this other stuff. But, I'm still here in this flawed world. So, after six years of infertility, I have a baby with colic who won’t sleep or self sooth and I’m tired. It seems important to me now. It reminds me that I can't do it alone, that in this life, we need a Savior. Trials force us to rely on Him.

“But,” you say, “Christians shouldn’t need medication. God should just fix us." And, the debate ensues. But, despite where you and I stand on the issue, I AM on medication, and it seems to be helping; that, plus the fact that Andy is taking a very active role in my recovery. He's a huge help in the night time. I am no longer anxiety ridden, and the insomnia seems to be subsiding. Praise the LORD!

Another step towards freedom will come when I learn to let go of the “should do’s”. The doctors, books and articles all say you shouldn't nurse your baby to sleep. But, sometimes she's so keyed up that I have to get her almost asleep before she'll eat, so of course she falls asleep while she's nursing. They also say you should put your baby down for naps (don't hold them while they sleep). But, when I've done that, she wakes up after 15 minutes or less with her legs flying in the air from gas. On me, she can sleep up to 3 solid hours. And, the rules go on and on. So, what if you follow all those rules, but your baby won't/can't comply? That's enough to drive a rule follower like me out of my mind! So, I'm trying to let those "should do's" go so that I can relax and do what is best (and what works) for Beulah. Sure, I may have a hard time breaking many of the habits that are forming now, but for the most part, we don't have a choice. We're in "survival mode", as we call it.

Since my appointment, I've discovered that postpartum depression is much more common than I knew. The Doctor told me that, but I didn't really know until I started telling people. It seems like more than half of the mothers I've talked to have had postpartum depression with at least one of their pregnancies. Some of you reading this may now suspect that you may have had it too, but either you didn't know it at the time or you didn't get a diagnosis. I don't know if there's just such a bad stigma about it that people don't talk about it, or if I've just been blind to it in my years of wanting a baby. Either way, I'm thankful for the women who have opened up and shared their story with me so that I don't feel like something is wrong with me that I need to keep hidden.

I receive weekly e-newsletters from The Baby Center that tell me about my baby's development and how my life might be effected as a result. This excerpt is from an article sent in the first couple of months that stuck with me. I was impressed with the honesty and thankful for the permission to admit that things weren't exactly what I expected.

"Even when you're the happiest person on earth to be a new parent, it's common to have nagging little feelings of disappointment. Not that you want to tell anyone. But you spent nine months imagining what your baby would be like and now here he is — perhaps not exactly what you'd pictured. Parents of a baby born with a health problem are especially vulnerable to this feeling of not getting what they'd bargained for. But parents of healthy children often have such feelings too. In all of these situations, there's a wonderful new baby to celebrate. And yet there's often an imaginary baby to mourn before the real baby can be fully embraced. Rarely does anybody talk about this phenomenon, but it's perfectly normal and human. So if your joy is tinged with a little regret, don't feel guilty. Give yourself a little space to privately grieve, and then count the blessings you do have."

I love y'all, and am so thankful for your support. I'm thankful for the calls and e-mails, even if I don't return them. They encourage me. And, one day, I will find it easier to respond. In the meantime, thank you for continuing to reach out to me. You truly are the warm arms and hands of Christ to me.

Spiritually Speaking

It's always been easy for me to have faith. Because of the profound way my life changed when I accepted the LORD, I've always believed God could do anything. Did I believe I could get pregnant after six years of infertility and one prayer? Sure! That's no problem for Him. But, lately I've found myself sounding a lot like David in Psalm 22, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent."

Day after day I watch my baby cry out in pain. Her little body has such painful gas that (so far) no prayer, chiropractor, doctor, or medicine has helped. Suddenly, my sweet smiling baby will scream out, and at times nothing and no one can comfort her. There are days when she's in so much pain that we can't get her to eat or sleep. On those days, all we can do to calm her is walk around the house carrying her for hours or take her outside. On my better days, I have so much compassion and love for her that I could walk forever just to comfort her. But after days of this or nights of her waking up every other hour, I get tired, my spirit (and body) gets weak, and I just get angry.

Since she was born, pretty much every thought in my head has been a prayer on her behalf. "God I know you love her more than I do, but as the one you've entrusted to care for this angel, I ask you to heal your child...help her to pass this gas...help her to poop...help her to sleep...give her peace...have mercy on this innocent child..." Sometimes He answers with haste, other times--silence. And, sometimes I will thank Him for something that IS going right, but immediately afterwards the opposite happens. Those days when I'm worn out and He's silent, that's when Andy comes home to a crying baby and a crying, angry wife. But, at the end of my rope, I still feel like Peter when Jesus asked His disciples if they wanted to leave after hearing a difficult teaching (John 6). Peter said, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God." There is nowhere else to turn; no one else who can help.

Because so many of my thoughts are prayers of desperation, I am fully ready to praise Him for any good, but fully ready to blame Him for any bad. I'm angry because I know He can wipe this away with a word, but He hasn't. I have never found myself in this place before. My thinking: it's fine if He doesn't answer prayers on my behalf. I can handle that. But, to refrain from answering prayers on behalf of an innocent child? Now, that's injustice! Immediately following those thoughts are prayers for forgiveness. I tell Him that I'm so sorry for thinking that way. I confess that I'm a lousy Christian and ask Him to renew my mind and give me peace through this trial. I speak back to Him His words from Isaiah 55:9, "Your ways are higher than my ways, and your thoughts are higher than my thoughts" (see also Job 38-42).

I wonder if my spirit would be so weak if I were getting enough sleep. When I'm physically exhausted, my spirit is broken. This is also hard because I'm an extrovert. But, it's easier to stay home alone because I never know when her gas is going to cause her to scream. I miss the social interaction that I used to thrive on. I don't invite people over because I get so anxious when she starts screaming, and it makes me uncomfortable to be around people. I haven't even been to the grocery store one time since she's been born because I don't want to have to leave a cart full of groceries in the middle of the store. Besides that, when her gas is really bad, if we try to feed her (breast or bottle), it looks like we're torturing her. She arches her back and screams and chokes. Who wants to do that out in public and invite looks or comments from those nearby? And, everybody wants to hold the baby, But she cries if she's not held in ways that makes her comfortable. So, my skin crawls when someone asks to hold her because I know what's going to happen. Then, when I take her and hold her in a way that I've learned makes her comfortable, she stops crying. Because of this, I've had a couple of people say that she's spoiled! And, I can't leave her in the church nursery like this. I can't expect every person in there to know "the hold" that comforts her, or to give all their attention to her when there's so many other kids to care for. So, pretty much every Sunday I go to church and end up sitting in the bathroom with her the whole time.

Now, I realize this all sounds pretty dramatic. I mean, on a scale of 0-10 (0 = a perfectly easy baby, 9 = a baby with a terminal illness, 10 = no baby) Beulah is a 1. I mean, it's only gas, right? She won't even remember this when she's older. How could some gas tear a family apart? That just sounds silly! But, I'm here to tell you--it can. I don't talk about it much because unless you've been there, you don't understand. It's like my cousin said after watching Beulah for an hour one day, "I thought you were exaggerating!" I think a lot of people think I'm exaggerating. But after spending a week with me and seeing what I go through on a daily basis, my mom has offered to come stay with me for a week every month until Beulah outgrows this.

The first time I took a car ride alone with Beulah, she was in her car seat in the back screaming her precious head off. It was the first time I didn't rush to her to meet her need. I couldn't. She started making the most pitiful, heartbroken sounds. It was killing me. I tried talking to her and telling her that everything was OK. I said, "I love you, baby. I know it doesn't look like it right now because I'm not rushing to meet your need, but I promise I love you! When we get there I'll hug you and love on you." In that moment I realized, I'm in the car seat and God is driving the car. He responded, "I love you, Michelle. I know it doesn't look like it right now because I'm not rushing to meet your need, but I promise I love you! When it's time, I'll answer your prayers." My mom got a similar message from God when she asked Him to heal Beulah. He said to her, "What if I don't want to? I have a reason for this. Just trust me."

I've tried to figure out the reason. For a while we thought it might be a spiritual attack. God got glory for Beulah's miraculous conception. What better way to steal His glory than to tear us apart after she's born? Or, maybe it's a test of faith. Will I still trust Him if my child is in pain (for more on this see Redemption Day, #2)? That could be the reason. But, last night I think He gave me my answer. God said, "You're going to spend her whole life angry at Me if you keep praying/expecting things to be perfect. This is a fallen world. She's going to experience pain and heartache. Get used to it and learn how to deal with it." Then, I realized that I've been praying all wrong. I mean, this could be so much worse than it is (see the scale from 0-10 above). Instead of asking Him to right every wrong, I need to be focusing on the bigger picture. Instead of getting angry, I need to make myself vulnerable, lay down at His feet, and trust that He has our family's best interest at heart (Jeremiah 29:11). I should be asking Him for the grace to handle what comes my way in a manner that brings glory to Him. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

I'm thankful to have a new direction for my prayers and excited to see how God's going to grow us and use this for His glory. I've been embarrassed to talk about our struggles before now. Aren't new parents supposed to be nothing but happy? I had heard of colicky babies, but had never talked to anybody who had one. My pride wouldn't let me admit that Beulah was a difficult baby. No one wants to think their baby has a problem. And, it seemed like everyone else could handle their babies. What's wrong with me? I must not be as strong as them. But, as I've started to open up about it, I'm amazed at how many people have been through similar hardships with their infants. When I opened up to some friends about it, I told them that I felt silly being so defeated by this. One friend who had a difficult baby pulled me aside and said, "It's hard. It's OK to admit that it's hard. Just because it's not a terminal illness doesn't mean it's not hard." Thanks, Courtney. I needed that.

If you had a difficult baby, open up and reach out to new parents. Hopefully someone will be encouraged by your transparency.

Beulah's First 12 weeks

Beulah is 12 weeks old. I can't believe it! As I was putting away her newborn sized clothes, I was amazed at how TINY she was and how much she's grown! She's around 12 lbs now and growing!

We've decided that she has her daddy's facial features with my facial muscle structure and shape. She is very expressive, like me, crinkling her eye brows and nose. As you can see from the pictures and video below, she's got such a happy disposition and a smile that will melt your heart. The only time she's not smiling is when she has gas pain. Seriously, she even smiles in her sleep (see pics)! And, in the middle of the night when I change her diaper and put her back down, she's always flashing smiles. I think it's her way of trying to get me to stay up and play...tempting!

Speaking of playtime, she loves her floor gym, especially the hanging monkey. She laughs at him, the hanging bumblebee on her swing, and the ceiling fans. I caught her having a riveting conversation with the bee the other day. Too cute! She doesn't like tummy time too much, but loves her daily anatomy lesson. I start at her toes, and with my silly voices I tickle and name her body parts. As soon as I start, she starts grinning. We also say our ABCs and count while I work her legs doing the bicycle. This helps with her gas too. Fun and functional!

Beulah loves baths. One night she was pretty fussy, but needed a bath. The minute we put her in the warm water, she stopped fussing and started smiling! Bingo! Now we know! We've recently discovered that she has another comfort (besides baths, nursing or the paci), her snugglie. It's a miniature blanket with the silk edges that we all loved as kids. Her "Aunt" Carrie sent it for her, and we're so glad she did! It says "Miracle" on it. :) She loves to hug it and sometimes chew on it when she's tired. Personally, I'm hoping she'll find her thumb soon so that she won't keep waking herself up when the paci falls out of her mouth.

Recently we've been trying to work her towards a manageable schedule. She is super alert and doesn't like to nap. So, I've been trying to be diligent about having her nap in her crib with the lights low and the sound machine on like at night. But, I haven't quite been able to put her down awake and let her put herself to sleep yet. I am much more of a wimp than I thought I would be! Ugh! We try to include books and a song in our routine. I've heard that if you sing the same song each time it will trigger her sleep memory, so I have altered the words to the old church song "Beulah Land" to say, "Beulah Grace, I'm thankful for you. And through life, I'll hold your hand. Child, my love shall be eternal. Beulah Grace, sweet Beulah Grace."

She has the funniest sleepy time routine. First, she starts talking. (I wonder if this will continue when she gets older!) Then, she'll do the best Stevie Wonder impression you've ever seen, at which time we sing "Isn't She Lovely" or "I Just Called To Say I Love You." As she turns her head from side to side, with her chin slightly raised for effect, the back of her head rubs whatever she's leaning against, which explains the bald spot. However, the hair just below it has been well preserved, which makes for a classic rat tail. Nice.

She's sleeping pretty well at night. One night she slept 9 hours! The next night she slept 7 hours. Ever since then, she gets up once in the night, usually because of gas, and then goes right back to sleep. She's only up for about 30 minutes total. She's been sleeping in her carseat (at the recommendation of the pediatric nurse), to help with reflux and gas. She sleeps much better on an incline, but we'll need to make the transition to the crib soon, so pray for that! She would much rather sleep on daddy or while nursing on mommy. :)

Beulah has gotten to know our doctors pretty well. Besides her one month check-up, we've taken her to the pediatrician for "excessive" weight loss (1 week old), gas, reflux, congestion, and baby acne. Sheesh! We've kept them in business! Lately, however, we've been taking her to a chiropractor for adjustments. She went four or five days without a BM, and her gas was unbearable. After a week of being adjusted, she has had multiple dirty diapers EVERY day! And yes, one of them covered most everything in the nursery. Let's just say I took the diaper off a second too soon and she went straight to the bath afterwards. :) But, since then, her gas pain has been MUCH more bearable than before, and her bouts of pain are more sparse. We could not be more grateful. We've also been able to take her off the Zantac that the pediatrician prescribed! We're happy to have found Dr. Bagwell's help when we did! I think we've found our new "pediatrician"!

At 11 weeks, Beulah discovered that she can touch things with her hands and feet. She's not super coordinated yet, but she's having a blast figuring it out, and it's fun to watch! She spends a lot of time looking at her hands and feet, and you can just see the wheels turning. What's next?!

People have been asking how Pedro (our 7 year old Boxer) has been with her. He totally loves her! He's been really good about not licking her with his abnormally large, stinky tongue, even though it's obvious he wants to. He walks past and sniffs her, and she just watches him and grins. When we go for walks, he walks right beside the stroller, turns when it turns, and looks in at her every 10 seconds. It's going to be fun watching them as she grows. I have a feeling they're going to adore each other.

Some of these pictures you've seen, some are new, so check them out! The video is an example of the joy I feel with her every day. I am so thankful for this time with this precious little angel.

Mama's first 10 weeks--Uncut!

I've worked on this post every week since Beulah was 3 weeks old. The title has changed five or six times (7 weeks...8 weeks...9 weeks...and now 10 weeks). We'll see if I get it done this time! I can't believe my beautiful, little girl is already almost 3 months old! She'll be crawling and into things before I know it! I'm savoring every second.

As someone who waited almost 7 years for a baby, I feel like I should only have wonderful things to say about being a mom. But, anybody who's done it knows that's not reality. And, if you've read my blogs in the past, you know that I'm not one to hide the truth about what I'm feeling, even if it makes me look bad. So, here goes!

The past 10 weeks can be accurately described by the lyrics of an old song that ran through my head daily the first couple of weeks. "Joy, joy, and pain--it's like sunshine, and rain." The joy and love can not be expressed. But, with the joy comes challenges. As my sweet friend Anna said, "No one can prepare you for those first few weeks." So true, my friend, so true. Recovering from major surgery, post-pregnancy hormones, learning to care for a new baby, and breastfeeding would all be major events if they happened all by themselves. But, when they happen all at once (as all of you moms can attest), it takes everything you've got...and everyone else around you too. :) My new motto, reflecting on the past 10 weeks, is--every day is different. You'll see how I've come to that conclusion as you read further.

The C-section
SUNSHINE--I had come to a place of peace before it happened. Praise the LORD, and thank you all for your prayers. I was OK because I knew that when I went in the O.R. that I would come out with my daughter! The procedure was quick, and Andy was even able to take some great pictures of the birth.
RAIN--Well, obviously with major abdominal surgery there is physical pain. Beyond the physical, it was incredibly surreal to hear the doctor (who's face I never even saw in the O.R.) say from behind the curtain, "OK, we've started!" only 5 minutes after they administered the spinal that instantly numbed my lower half. What?! Then, she said, "We're about to have a baby!" Next thing you know, out from behind the curtain comes this baby who I didn't see or feel come out of my body. I'm thinking, how can I be sure she's mine? Then they whisk her away for suctioning and tests.
SUNSHINE--Andy was amazing! The minute they brought her out, he was by her side, touching her, talking to her, bonding with her. It was really beautiful.
RAIN--I lay there on the table, alone, with tears in my eyes. I'm not sure whether they were tears of joy or sadness that I couldn't touch her or if I was just overwhelmed. Meanwhile, I'm wondering--what's this pressure I feel in my chest? I'm dizzy. Am I about to pass out?
SUNSHINE--Her APGAR scores climbed from 7 to 8 to 9. She's healthy and crying loudly!
RAIN--My body began to shake uncontrollably, a side effect of the medications. I had heard there would be shaking, but I had no idea it would be so violent. The nurses asked me if I wanted to hold my baby, but I was shaking so badly, I couldn't hold her yet.
SUNSHINE--I was out of bed without tubes within 5 hours. The nurse joked that they should have done it as an outpatient surgery! After I got home, I healed quickly with minimal pain.

Postpartum Hormones
RAIN--After giving birth, you already feel out of control. You're trying to get to know and care for this helpless little person who can't talk, yet she depends fully on you. Sometimes you can't figure out what she needs, and you can't MAKE her do anything (eat, sleep, poop, etc.). The normal fears and anxiety that come with taking care of a new baby are heightened by postpartum hormones. For me (and many other women I've talked to), it manifested in obsessive worry and anxiety. I'm a rule follower, so when somebody tells me I should do something, especially if I perceive the source to be smarter than me (like doctors), I do it. I'm also a slave to the clock. So, as an obsessive new mom I found myself charting the exact times and amounts of feedings and BMs. It was my way of controlling what was, in reality, out of my control. By the time our moms got here, I was a wreck!
SUNSHINE--Moms. They are the best! They were such an incredible help. But, by the time Andy's mom got here for week 3, I was already crying thinking about her leaving the next week! Needless to say, she was worried about me. :) After she saw the routine we had been keeping and saw how I was responding to things, she said, "you have GOT to relax! Put away your charts and trust your instincts." It was SO freeing! Yet, admittedly, I found other ways to obsess and control the situation. Andy's sister, Heather (or med school mommy, as you may know her), gave me the best, most simple advice, "enjoy your baby." Oh yeah, that IS what I'm supposed to be doing!
RAIN--At times, I've felt like I was totally out of control of my emotions. I've been hypersensitive when it comes to issues with Beulah. I don't believe I've been depressed, but I have had MANY moments of hopelessness and a serious lack of faith. The onslaught of hormones has magnified parts of my personality to an unmanageable degree. Poor Andy. Y'all pray for him. He's such a good and patient man. :)
SUNSHINE--Sometimes the hypersensitivity is ridiculous--funny even (although it's rarely funny). The best thing you can do is acknowledge it to those witnessing, warn them not to laugh, and continue carrying on. You can all laugh about how off your rocker you are later...much later.

Feeding
SUNSHINE--At our first attempt to breastfeed, Beulah was interested!
RAIN--But, because of latching difficulties she couldn't get more than a couple of sips the whole day.
SUNSHINE--At 11 PM (she was born at 9:48 AM) she latched on and didn't let go for an hour and a half! She seemed to be a very vigorous nurser!
RAIN--By our last day in the hospital, her weight had dropped by 10% and they were talking about supplementing.
SUNSHINE--At our pediatrician's visit the next morning, he told me to go home and pump until my milk came in. After our appointment, I fed her in the parking lot where my milk came in! At our follow-up appointment three days later, she had gained 5 oz!!
RAIN--Sparing you the details, engorgement over the next day or two caused me to have traumatized nipples. Men, you don't want to know. Don't bother clicking the link unless your wife is expecting. :)
SUNSHINE--Through nursing, engorgement was relieved and latching became much more manageable. Once we established a successful latch, I could begin the healing process.
RAIN--My original assessment that she was a vigorous nurser turned out to be wrong. Beulah was a sleepy baby. Nursing was taking up to an hour and a half per feeding. For those of you who don't know, newborns should be fed every 2.5 to 3 hrs. from the start of one feeding to the start of the next. So, yes, your calculations are correct, there was only 1 to 1.5 hrs. between feedings, night and day, and there was nothing Andy could do to help. Keeping her awake meant I couldn't sleep while I nursed. So, I would sit upright in a chair, turn on lights and play music. It's amazing how much encouragement you can get from children's Bible songs when your exhausted and overwhelmed. (I highly recommend Steve Green for your child's collection!) Despite the insane amount of time spent nursing, after a couple of days, I started to notice that she didn't seem to be getting enough and her cheeks weren't filling out. So, we made an appointment with a lactation consultant we met in the hospital.
SUNSHINE--The lactation consultant was very encouraging. She confirmed that my mommy instincts were right. Yes, Beulah had gained 5 oz in 3 days after my milk came in, but the three following days she had only gained 1 oz. She wasn't getting enough. So, we had to figure out whether it was because of my milk supply or because of Beulah's nursing ability. So, she observed me nursing and weighed Beulah to see how much she was getting. She had only taken 24 mls in 30 minutes. 30 mls is an ounce. She should have been able to get 2-3 oz in 10-45 mins. The nurse said, "Breastfeeding is supposed to be hard, but not THIS hard." Thank you. I needed to hear that! After nursing for a while, she had me pump to see if I had any milk left, and I had plenty. So, it wasn't a problem with my milk supply. That was encouraging. But, what about my baby?
RAIN--We were put on a schedule of pumping and supplementing with formula. I know the postpartum hormones have something to do with it, but I couldn't watch her feed from a bottle without crying. It was especially hard to see my tiny baby gag on the nipple and faster flow of the milk.
SUNSHINE--This meant that feedings were not all up to me! Now daddy, Ninnie & Nana (who came to help) can bond with Beulah during feedings too.
RAIN--But, now supplies are an issue. We have to make sure bottles and pumping accessories are clean and in place at all times. We've got to try different bottles and nipples and make sure we had enough that we weren't up washing all night long. We also had a lot to learn about breastmilk and formula storage and warming. Quick. I was overwhelmed and mentally shut down that night. I was so exhausted, I couldn't process how all this was going to work. I cried...a lot.
SUNSHINE--That night, to help me catch up on some sleep and because it was too hard (emotionally) for me to feed her from a bottle, Andy and my mom (Ninnie) took the night feedings. I was only responsible for getting up at midnight and 5 AM to pump. Man, that helped!
RAIN--When you're tied to a machine (the pump), it's difficult (to say the least) to care for your baby if she needs you, and I was pumping seven times a day for 20 mins each.
SUNSHINE--After another visit to lactation, I continued to breastfeed as much as possible and supplement where necessary. We rented a scale from the hospital so that I could see how much Beulah was getting each time I breastfed. That helped me to know how much we needed to supplement. Finally! She was getting enough and she started chunking up! (However, the scale allowed me to obsess about the numbers again, and I kept it until last week!)
RAIN--She started fighting the bottle; arching her back, choking, spitting, crying. She also had terrible gas. So, we switched her to a gentler formula, but nothing changed. We took her to the pediatrician who told us to try soy. That didn't help either. So, we took her back to the pediatrician who diagnosed her with reflux and put her on a rice cereal supplement as well as baby Zantac. We also went to see a pediatric GI specialist, who confirmed the diagnosis. After adding the rice cereal, her BMs became very difficult, and only seemed to make things worse. So, we stopped giving it to her. And even on the Zantac, the gas and bottle feeding seemed to get worse. I started thinking, maybe it wasn't reflux at all. So, we've also taken her off of that. I wanted to take her off of formula as well and strictly breastfeed, but since Beulah hadn't been pulling the milk she needed from me, my milk supply had decreased.
SUNSHINE--A dear friend finally said to me (last week), "maybe Beulah's body isn't ready for full feedings. Maybe she needs smaller amounts more frequently." So, I have tried that over the past week, and my milk supply seems to have increased and she seems to be getting enough! She's off of formula altogether! Thanks, Les (and God, of course)!
RAIN--Her gas is still horrendous, even though I've altered my diet trying to figure out the problem. She will be smiling and all the sudden, her face turns down, she gets red, stiffens her body and screams. If she passes it, she goes back to smiling. If she doesn't, she continues to scream until she does. And we'll think--OK, that was it. She's gonna feel better now. But, it never ends. It wakes her up, so her naps are very short and sporadic. Sometimes she won't eat either. And, Mylicon doesn't even touch it. Unfortunately, I have not handled seeing my baby in pain very well. I cry when she cries. I try to tell myself...at least it's not terminal or even all that serious. There are so many people who deal with SO much more than this. I also try to remind myself that God doesn't promise us a pain-free, perfect life. But, the self talk doesn't seem to help or change how I feel when she screams out in pain.
SUNSHINE--We've been taking her to the chiropractor, which seems to be helping her to have more regular BMs, but is not yet helping with the gas. We have hope in the potential for this to help.

NOTE--I have such respect for any breastfeeding woman. After witnessing my struggles, Andy has said that breastfeeding is not for the faint at heart. I also have the utmost respect for mothers of preemies or children with special needs. It's hard enough to feed a healthy, full term baby. I can't imagine what you, my friends, have been though. May God bless you and your little ones.

Going Out
Getting out of the house with a newborn takes practice. It's especially challenging when feedings take an hour an a half! You've got to time it just right. Get everything you'll need, ready and in place, feed the baby, then get in the car as quickly as possible. You DON'T want to get stuck having to breastfeed for an hour and a half anywhere but at home, especially in a car in a parking lot somewhere! People kept asking me, "Have you gotten out yet?" Um...no. Why? Should I? Ha ha! I finally gave myself permission to take it slow. It was just easier to be at home, especially when it looks like we're hurting her when we're only trying to feed her! The spitting, choking and screaming would have invited plenty of looks and comments from strangers. Who wants that? We're doing the best we can here! It's definitely gotten easier. We're out at least once a day, and have been able to start going for walks in the neighborhood every morning. Ahhh, fresh air and sunshine! It's so good for mama, baby and doggie. :)

Getting Things Done
Simply put, I haven't. If I have a chance to nap while she's napping, I'm taking it! I'm lucky to get a shower...every other day. I've done laundry a couple of times. Cleaning the house? You've got to be kidding me! Doing the dishes is the one thing I do on a daily basis...almost. I've only cooked a handful of times. Thank God for a husband who doesn't mind cleaning and loves to cook, because we'd all starve if it weren't for him. I'm lucky to get breakfast and lunch when he's not here! And I've only got ONE baby! I've thought about women who have more than one child or those who have to do this by themselves about a million times. My heart goes out to them.

Overall, I have thoroughly enjoyed my baby girl. She is such a precious gift, and has inspired so many smiles and so much laughter in our home. The reason I want to share the challenges is because I am SO thankful to every woman who was real with me and tried to prepare me for how difficult it would be. I was so grateful when Heather said, "After the first couple of weeks, it only gets easier." And, it's true! It takes time to get to know somebody, especially somebody who can't talk. But, as time goes by, you feel more confident in your relationship and your ability to predict her wants and needs. And, remember, every day is different. Just because something went right today, doesn't mean it will tomorrow. But, that also works the opposite way. Just because something went wrong today doesn't mean it will tomorrow.

OK, now brace yourself for a cheesy metaphor. It takes sunshine AND rain to make the flowers grow.

Talking at Nine Weeks?!

Beulah is practicing her vowel sounds. She will actually look us in the eyes and "talk" to us! Usually it means she's tired or hungry. Until she matches the vowels with appropriate consonants it will be a fun guessing game!

"Happy Birthday, Mommy!"

This is the best birthday gift ever!

All Smiles at 7 weeks from Michelle Crissinger on Vimeo.

Beulah, all smiles at 7.5 weeks!

Redemption Day!

I am officially renaming Mother's Day "Redemption Day" starting this year. If you have followed my infertility and adoption blog, you know that Mother's Day has been a day of dread for me for six years. Four years ago on Mother's Day I thought I would "buck up" and go to church to help hand out flowers and serve muffins to the moms there. That wasn't the best idea. The next year I didn't go to church on Mother's Day because I didn't want to have to stay seated if the moms were asked to stand to be recognized. Two years ago I thought it'd be easier if I spent Mother's Day with my mom. It helped to focus on her instead of me. Last year was even better as we were awaiting a child through adoption. Even though I wasn't actually a "mom" on Mother's Day, I was close enough to celebrate in faith that I would be soon.

Now, in 2009, God has not only blessed me with a precious baby, this Sunday we will have the privilege of baptizing her on the day that has haunted me for so long. I can't think of a more perfect redemption than that! (In case you're interested or just curious, here is some literature regarding infant baptism, and here is a sermon by Pastor Skip MacMillan of our church, Eternal, in Fort Mill.)

Late at night, as I'm feeding my precious little girl, I tell her about all the years we've waited for her. I tell her the story of how she got here and what a miracle she is, and I can't help but weep. Then I praise God for his grace in allowing me to be the mother of this child that He has already used to bring glory to Himself, and I pray that her little life would always be "to the praise of His glory." (Ephesians 1:11-14)

The greatest lessons I've learned in the short time I've been a mom are 1) we are not in control, and 2) love for your child is different than any love you've ever known.

1) As individuals, especially as adults, we deceive ourselves by thinking we have some sort of control over our lives. We can make things go the way we want to some extent. But, as a parent you realize what little control you actually have. You can't make your newborn eat. You can't take away her pain. You can't...(Insert your own experience here.) You have no choice but to pray and trust that He will help your little one in ways that you can't. The good news is, He will! He hears your prayers on their behalf, and His mercies are new everyday! Praise the LORD!

2) You've known love for your parents, siblings, other family and friends, your spouse, but love for a child...that's a new sort of love that can't really be described. I think my mom said it best. As she was holding her new grand-baby, she said, "God has to condition our hearts for this, because if He didn't, it'd burst right open." When I hear that people are in pain, I feel bad for them and try to pray for them, but when my baby is in pain, I cry and beg God for mercy on her behalf. Beulah has been having some intestinal issues. As she was crying out in pain last night and we were asking God for help, God said, "Now you know how I felt watching my Son on the Cross." Woah. How's that for perspective? And He endured that for us? I didn't really understand that pain until I experienced love for my own child.

There is nothing like the moment when your infant looks into your eyes and smiles with recognition. The first time your baby stops crying when she is put in your arms will melt your heart. And when she's older and she comes running to you crying when she's sick or hurt...that's what makes you her mama.

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there. To those of you who are still waiting, I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel OK about Mother's Day approaching. So, I will just say, I love you and am praying for your Redemption Day. If you need to talk, I am here.

Thanks, Matt Mow, for the amazing photo!

Sweet Angel

HELLO! I am finally poking my head out of my shell to share some pictures of my sweet angel, straight from Heaven! Thank you all for your calls, texts, e-mails, cards, food, gifts, etc. I'm sorry I have not responded before now. It is certainly no reflection of how we feel about you all. We are so grateful for you and are eager to share with you this miracle that you've prayed with us for.

Whenever I see a newborn, I think, "How did that baby fit in that belly?" I thought the same thing when I saw Beulah. Then, she curled up in this position and I could see. This is one of my favorite pictures because this is how she was in my belly.


Beulah is the most beautiful and amazing baby. We have spent the past four weeks getting to know each other and learning how to care for each other. I'll post the details about all that later. For now, I just want to share my girl with you! She is such a good baby! Praise the LORD! She only cries when she needs something, and a couple of her cries are the cutest I've ever heard. I wish I could accurately describe them with words. I want to get a video tape of them, but when it's happening I'm not really thinking about finding the video camera. :) She hates getting her diaper changed, so when she gets upset we give her a paci. Her cry then turns to this precious little chug and grunt, almost like she's trying really hard NOT to cry. It's SO cute! The other cute cry is when she's had a little food but wants you to know she's not quite finished yet. She roars like a baby tigress. Precious!

Beulah loves sleeping on her daddy's chest. She loves playing bicycle with her mama. We have really enjoyed this special time with her. Of course, there have been challenges (mostly with feeding), but we're figuring it out...with a lot of prayer and patience. Beulah tends to eat more than the average baby. After dropping down to 6 lbs. the first week, she's now up to 8 lbs.! She's growing a double chin that we're very proud of. She has a crazy strong neck and has been lifting her head since day one. We have to be careful that she doesn't sling her floppy body out of our arms when she throws her heavy head around! And as beautiful as she is, she's also a very gassy baby. She burps and toots like a man!

We thank God for the help of our moms. My mom (Ninnie) came the 2nd week. Andy's mom (Nana) came the 3rd week, then Ninnie came back again for the 4th week. Their help and encouragement has been invaluable in this transition. There's something about grandmothers...they can just hold the baby and she falls asleep immediately. They have the touch!

Here's our girl! Welcome to the world, baby girl!

Update from Dad

Hey everybody--Andy here.

I wanted to take a minute and provide you all with a brief update. I know we've gone AWOL on the blog since Beulah was born; we've just been spending all our time enjoying our little girl!

I'm going to post a few more pics from the hospital (although I don't think I know how to do the cool slide show thing like Michelle does!). Speaking of Michelle, I know she really wants to post some of her thoughts very soon, but she has been pretty tied up with feedings. Right now, she's enjoying some much needed rest.

I've been telling everyone I talk to that nursing is not for the faint of heart! We've been working through some challenges with breastfeeding, and I have to say that my wife is absolutely incredible. I'm so proud of her--she's been working so hard to feed Beulah. We visited a lactation nurse today, and the whole experience was incredibly helpful. We're thinking things should get a little easier soon. I'll let Michelle fill you in on all the details. (Oh, I'm going to respectfully ask that you don't send Michelle breastfeeding advice as a result of my post. I don't mean to be rude, and I know that it would all be well-meaning, but it would probably be easier if you entrust us to the pros right now. Thanks for understanding!)

I also wanted to say thanks to everyone who has called, emailed, visited, or brought food. We appreciate everyone's love and support more than you will ever know. I apologize that we've been unable to return all the phone calls and emails just yet. Please know that we are not ignoring you, and we hope to get in touch with everyone soon.

Here are some snippets of fun information that you might not know about how Beulah's birth went down:

1. Beulah was taken by c-section because she was breech. She was folded up inside Michelle with her feet up by her head. When she came out, her little legs just stuck straight up in the air! The nurses had a hard time straightening her out to measure her length!

2. She was a little blue when she came out too, and it took a minute or so for her to really start breathing well. The nurses had to suction her nose and throat and really coax her to cry. It was pretty nerve wracking for daddy who could just stand there and pray! After a few mintues, she turned pink and started breathing normally. I was so happy to hear that cry.

3. The first words that Beulah heard me say were Ephesians 3:14-21. After the nurses had cleaned her off, they took a minute to jot down their records. Beulah was laying under the warming light and I was able to put my hands on her little body, get down really close to her face, and say those verses. I had practiced for several days leading up to her birth, and it was the most special thing for me to be able to have that moment with her.

4. During the operation, I actually was able to peek over the curtain and watch them pull her out. I didn't think I'd be able to handle looking at Michelle's open incision, but in that moment when the doctor said "Here she comes!" I couldn't help but look. I actually got a few really good pictures of them pulling Beulah out. They won't make it to the internet, but you can see them if you come over to our house (and you're not totally grossed out by that sort of thing. Don't worry, I would be totally grossed out too if it wasn't my wife and daughter.)

OK--I think that's all for now. I need to go to bed.

On behalf of my two beautiful girls, goodnight, and we love you all.

Andy

Beulah is Here!!!!

Beulah Grace Crissinger:

Born on April 4, 2009 at 9:48 am.
6 lbs. 12 oz.; 18.5 inches long
Blue eyes, dark hair

We are so thankful for all your prayers!

To those of you who are local, we are at CMC Pineville. We welcome visitors on Sunday and Monday, but the hospital has a no visitor policy from 2-4 pm.

All praise to our great God!