Beulah, 9 Months!

This is SUCH fun age! Beulah seems happier every day, and it's obvious to everyone who sees her. When we're out, strangers say, "She's the happiest baby!" One night we were seated in the middle of a restaurant, watching our 8.5 month old literally work the room! She made every single person in the place smile at her, and when the servers walked by, she clapped! It is such a joy to watch and enjoy her and see others enjoying her.

Beulah's first Christmas was awesome! We were in GA, and of course, she was the center of attention. Eight to nine months is the perfect age for Christmas and opening presents (see video). She didn't understand why she couldn't eat the paper, but she loved tearing it and climbing on (or in) the boxes (see pictures and video). Again, who needs toys?! Actually, I never really considered how important toys are to a child's development before Beulah, but it's amazing to see how they help her accomplish new skills everyday. Beulah's new favorite toy is her Learn & Groove Musical Table by Leap Frog (see pictures and video). It is SO fun to watch her cruise around the table playing with the different instruments. It has really helped strengthen her legs and back as she stands at the table to play, not to mention her hand-eye coordination and understanding of cause and effect. This is by far my favorite toy of hers. I would recommend it to anyone with a child 7+ months old.

Beulah also got a walker to push around the room (see video). She's doing really good! It won't be long now before she starts taking steps on her own! She's really good at cruising from one piece of furniture to another, and sometimes she lets go for a second or two! She also climbed the stairs at her Uncle Mike and Aunt Ria's! Thanks to her other toys from friends and family, she's also learned to put objects into a container, and even plays games with us. She'll play peek-a-boo with her bib, pulling it up over her face until she hears, "Where's Beulah?" at which time she pulls it down and laughs. So fun!! She learned another game from her Paw Paw (my dad). He rolled her little miniature wagon around, and each time it passed her she'd either put her toy in it or take it out. She will also offer me her spoon, which I take with my mouth, then I offer it back to her. It's a fun, hands free game we like to play. She's learned to mimic certain gestures, like waving, clapping, and sticking out her tongue, and she can respond to instruction. She claps and waves when we ask her to, and she stops when she hears us say, "No!" "Danger!" or "Not for baby!"

CUTE THINGS BEULAH DOES (besides everything mentioned above!)
*Beulah will pull up on something (usually her music table), and start bobbin' her head like she's groovin' (see video)!
*She sits on her bottom with her legs straight out and repeatedly raises and lowers her right leg, tapping her heel on the floor.
*She likes to make hissing sounds like she's whispering.
*Sometimes she'll hold her hand up and tuck her chin down as if to say, "Thank ya. Thank ya very much." It's especially funny if she's just finished playing music on her music table.

THINGS THAT MAKE BEULAH LAUGH/SMILE
*When she hears Daddy's keys in the door, she looks at me and smiles and then crawls as fast as she can to the door. Precious!
*Beulah has had the opportunity to spend time with both our families over the holidays, and recognizes them enough now to get really excited when she sees her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. So sweet.

Beulah, 8 Months!

What a difference a month makes! This stage in a baby's development must be the most fun, because it seems that new things are happening everyday. Her newfound mobility broadens her world and makes her boundaries limitless; that is until mama stops her from doing something that might hurt her. But, despite my efforts to protect her, I've learned that bumps and bruises are inevitable at this stage; especially if I turn my back for one second. In fact, she fell off the bed at her Nana & Pop Pop's house over Thanksgiving. She was laying on her back in the middle of the bed, so I bent down to get her pants to put on her when I heard a thud followed by a loud cry. Ugh. There's no worse sound in a mother's life. She's OK, of course. Thank God! But, we spend a lot more time on the floor these days, and I have become pretty skilled at changing a diaper while she's rolling or crawling away. I'm lucky if I have any kind of strap or tag nearby to occupy her. She likes those much more than any toy she has.

Everyday Andy and I talk about how joyful she is. When I asked him if there was anything in particular that he'd like for me to mention in her 8 month post, he said, "just her sweet disposition." When I describe her, I say, "She's just delightful!" She LOVES to go places and see people. I'm pretty sure she's an extrovert, because when she's around people she's super happy and hardly ever thinks about sleeping or eating. But, when the people are gone, she comes crashing down.

NEW THINGS BEULAH CAN DO
*crawling on hands and knees (see video)
*pulling up! (see video)
*claps hands (see video)
*She's making much more sophisticated sounds and letter combinations. Sometimes I hear "words" like "boosh" or "this", and sometimes she makes a hissing sound. I heard her make sounds with every letter, except maybe "c", "k", and "q".

FIRSTS
*Beulah got her first tooth!! Two actually! Her two bottom, front teeth are peeking through. I haven't gotten a picture because everytime she opens her mouth, her tongue covers it up.
*Beulah saw the ocean for the first time over Thanksgiving! While visiting Andy's parents in FL, we went to St. Augustine for a day. It was COLD, so she didn't get in the water. But, since she falls asleep to ocean waves on her sound machine every night, she fell asleep as we walked to the sound of real ocean waves. :)
*Beulah met a large number of her extended family over Thanksgiving in FL.

CUTE THINGS BEULAH DOES
*Sometimes when we make eye contact, she'll just laugh out of the blue. Love it!
*While sitting on her bottom, she bounces from her pelvis while flapping her arms up and down. (see video)
*After she wakes up, she peeks through the slats in the crib at us when we come in and squeals with excitement.
*Sometimes she'll cover her ears with her hands. Unfortunately, the first time she did it was when she was being introduced to her adult cousin for the first time. :)
*She holds her bottle with her hands AND feet. (see picture)
* She chews on and rolls her tongue. The most common comments we get from strangers are about her blue eyes or her tongue.
*She's been "blowing raspberries" with her lips for a while, but now she does it with her tongue too.
*She sits "cris-cross" (or "Indian style" if you're from my generation or before).
*She pats my shoulder when I pick her up or while she's nursing.
*While laying tummy to tummy when nursing, she tries to stand and bend forward to nurse.
*Sometimes while nursing, she rubs her feet together really fast.

THINGS THAT MAKE BEULAH SMILE/LAUGH
*When she bangs things together, she smiles. (see video)




And now for even more videos than last month!







shaker = teething tabs
symbol = lid from toilet paper holder
creative inspiration = blinds?

My Breakup with TV

When I was little, silence scared me. I needed sounds to keep me company. Not creepy, random sounds that I couldn't control, like acorns falling on the roof, leaves rustling outside, or cars backfiring. (Hey! I'm from GA!) I needed people sounds. If I was busy, the radio was sufficient. But, since I am a visual person, I always preferred TV. We only had channels 2, 5, 8, 11, 17, and 36 back then. The fact that I can remember that is evidence that I loved TV. I knew what came on almost every half hour of the day and what channel it came on. I had my own personal TV schedule. I didn't always watch it while it was on, but it was nice to hear people talking and be able to look up to see them if I wanted to.

As a teenager and now as an adult, I have a very small library of movies that I like to pop in while I'm cleaning to keep me company; Ever After, My Best Friend's Wedding, Shakespeare in Love, Finding Nemo, Jonah and the Big Fish, etc. They are all light hearted, feel good movies, or as some would say "chick flicks". Our friend Ronnie always called them "U rated" (U=uterus). The sounds, the predictability, the feel...they all make me happy. It's an escape. It's a vice. When I was forced to be inactive during my neck injury and surgery, I watched every single episode of The Golden Girls. It came on three times a day, and I didn't miss it. Sure, there were other shows too, but Dorothy, Sophia, Rose and Blanch were my real friends. They were always there when I needed them to make me laugh.

When I was pregnant, I was home alone a lot on days when I was not subbing. I do NOT like being alone. I am an extrovert. I get sad when I'm alone, and get energized when I'm around people. So, while everyone else was working, I had the TV on. It was my friend. It entertained me, taught me, kept me connected with the world around me, etc. So, after Beulah was born, when I was going through PPD, the TV continued to keep me company.
Today Show--until 11 AM, NBC
Cosby Show--11-12 PM, Channel 8
Fresh Prince--12-12:30 PM, Channel 8
Reading Rainbow--12:30-1 PM, PBS Kids
Clifford the Big Red Dog--1-1:30 PM, PBS Kids
Curious George--1:30-2 PM, PBS Kids
Trivial Pursuit--2-3 PM, Channel 10
The Doctors--3-4 PM, NBC
Oprah (because there was nothing else on)--4-4:30 PM, ABC
Jeopardy--4:30-5 PM, NBC
Ellen--5-6 PM, NBC
Scrubs--6-6:30 PM, Channel 8
Deal or No Deal--6:30-7 PM, Channel 12
Jeopardy--7-7:30 PM, NBC
Wheel of Fortune--7:30-8:00 PM, NBC
8:00-10ish depended on the day--Chuck, Biggest Loser, SYTYCD, American Idol, The Office, etc.

You can see why this was a problem. The TV was on from morning to night. If I went into another room to do something, I even turned the TV on in there, sometimes for just a minute or two. It was a compulsion, and addiction. With a schedule like that, there's no time for a quiet devotional or listening to God (*sarcasm*). (No wonder I was depressed!)

As most babies do, Beulah loves the TV. She loves the sounds and moving images. There are certain commercials she will always turn to see, even if she's busy playing with her back to the TV. When she hears it, she turns and watches it. If I want to keep her busy while I try to clean or eat, I put in The Wiggles. She will actually laugh at Dorothy the Dinosaur! It cracks me up!

Sure, this may not be a problem now, but I can see how it could be down the road. Even if we're watching a "kid friendly" show, commercials are unpredictable and sometimes raunchy! Have ya seen the soft porn Hardee's or Victoria's Secret commercials? I mean, COME ON!! Those commercials come on in the daytime when kids are watching TV! And, Lord knows Beulah shouldn't be watching what comes on the TV guide channel! From celebrity gossip to Punk'd to Flava Flav and his brothel! ADULTS shouldn't even be watching that junk, trash, gross, nasty, yucky stuff!!

So, here I am complaining about what comes on TV. But, I have a choice. I can turn it off. Before we had Beulah, we went to some friends' house for dinner. Jeanne and David have two elementary aged kids. The TV was not on, and was not the center point of the living room. Over dinner they told us that they record a few shows that they feel comfortable with their kids watching, and edit out the commercials before the kids watch it! And, they always preview a show before they'll start recording it on a regular basis. In fact, when their oldest was around seven years old, they had a rare night where they watched TV while it was being broadcast. When the commercials came on, the kids said, "What is that? What happened to the show?!" They didn't even know what a commercial was!! We LOVED it! We talked about doing something similar.

I always admired my friend Anna because when I went to her house, her TV was NEVER on. From the time her baby was born (and probably before), she played classical or Christian music softly in the background. She also read her Bible while she nursed and prayed for friends and family with her infant baby. She would say to me, "Me and Hanney (Hannah) just prayed for you!" I was blown away!

My friend Deanna doesn't even HAVE a TV!

So, it's time for a change. After a long and happy love affair, I'm breaking up with TV. Today is our first day apart. I'm sure I'll watch a little while Beulah's napping, but I've downloaded a ton of children's Bible songs, classical music, and other children's music to play while she's awake. We may watch some game shows when Daddy gets home, but I want us to be more careful about what's on, especially now that Beulah's going to be picking up so much so fast.

I don't want to break up. I LOVE TV. Please pray for me to be strong. Pray that God will keep me company. Pray that I'll meditate on the things of God and spend my time filling Beulah's eyes and ears with things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8), rather than things of the world. I hope to keep up with the news via the internet. Pray that I won't plunge myself into a new addiction with the computer (which I have done in the past).

And, just for a laugh, this is Beulah's favorite commercial. Go figure! I'll have to let her watch it on the computer from time to time just to make her smile. :)

Beulah, 7 Months!

My Boo is 7 months old today! Everyday Andy and I say to each other, "She is awesome!" We are overwhelmed by the blessing of having Beulah in our lives. There is not much more exciting than watching a human being accomplish something she couldn't the day before. She has grown into such a happy and delightful little girl.

Many people have said that Beulah looks more and more like me the older she gets. I love it that she crinkles her nose when she smiles, because I do that too (see pictures below). She also loves to stretch her body like me when she wakes up. Andy loves to watch the two of us do our morning stretches together. The crazy thing is, she naturally stretches the exact same way I do! She's growing like a weed, so we had to raise her jumper because her legs have gotten so long. When she stands on my lap, her head is higher than mine!

Beulah's sleeping continues to get better and better. She's now taking at least two 2 + hour naps a day. And, even better, she sleeps for 11 hour stretches at night, only waking once or twice! Several nights she has slept seven hours straight before waking up, and then went right back to sleep! Praise the Lord! We are ALL doing SO much better these days!

NEW THINGS BEULAH CAN DO
*She's crawling!! (see video below) Andy's mom said Andy crawled the exact same way when he was a baby. This morning she crawled all the way across the living room to get to me! My heart was so full!
*She babbles M's, D's, and B's. If she wants something, all she has to do is babble a "Ma ma", and I'll do whatever she wants. :)
*She can pull up half-way (to her knees)!

FIRSTS
*solid foods: sweet potatoes, carrots, green beans, squash and corn. Carrots are her favorite.
*She had her first cold. Fortunately it was a short, two day cold.

CUTE THINGS BEULAH DOES
*She gives me kisses! Well, actually, she puts her wide-open mouth to mine, smiles, and licks my mouth. Oh well...it's sweet and I love it!
*She raises both her arms above her head, and we say, "so big!"
*She lays on her back, holding her feet in her hands, and opens her legs straight out to each side.
*She sits on her bottom and leans forward to suck her toes. (see video below) Hilarious!
*Sometimes she'll play while her legs are in a straddle split. (see picture below)
*She'll look at her hand while opening and closing it repeatedly.

THINGS THAT MAKE BEULAH SMILE/LAUGH
*She always smiles when mama blows her kisses or makes kissey faces across the room.
*Our amateur beat boxing always makes her happy.
*Her best laughs come when we munch her belly or her neck. (see video)
*She loves to go places and steals the show when she flashes her smiles and blue eyes at passers-by.

It seems that Beulah will have a pretty strong personality. She can be very feisty and determined. She'll throw a toy when she's finished playing with it. And, if she doesn't want you to do something, she will PUSH you away from her. Sometimes I feel like I'm wrestling with her when I put her shirt on. Often I just have to pin her arms down! But, if she wants something, she's going to go for it, and you better be ready. Last Wednesday I wasn't ready. I was standing while holding her when she turned and threw her weight back. She fell back against the arm of the chair and because I was still holding her legs, she continued to fall until her HEAD stopped on the floor. I immediately dropped to my knees while holding her close and started praying that God would protect her, heal her, spare her... When she calmed down, I nursed her and saw that her mouth was bleeding. That was the greatest moment of horror I've ever experienced. Andy and I checked her out and couldn't find the source of the blood. But, by then she was smiling and acting normal. We're guessing her gums smacked together and that's what caused the blood. That or something was really wrong and God had mercy and healed her on the spot! I wouldn't doubt it! People keep saying, "It happens to everybody!" But, I can't say that makes me feel any better.

Since I dropped her, I've been much more cautious. But, unfortunately, that doesn't keep things from happening to a mobile baby. The next morning she leaned forward in the tub and sucked water up her nose and mouth. That afternoon she was sitting in the floor and leaned forward to reach for something and hit her head on a door frame. She constantly crawls towards cords, and is not afraid to throw herself towards whatever she wants. Yesterday she was sitting with me on the bed, and Andy came over to sit with us while he was brushing his teeth. In a matter of a split second, she "leapt" out of my arms and across the bed, reaching for his tooth brush. We were both in shock. Thankfully she didn't get hurt because she was on the bed. Whew! The ol' ticker can't take it! Andy said, "Honey, you better get used to this." I told him that I think she's trying to kill herself!

Despite the bumps and bruises, it is such a joy to parent this child and watch her grow. Thank you, God, for allowing me to be her mama.

Save the Planet (and Your Money)!

As promised, this is my post on cloth diapers. If you're trying to decide whether to do cloth or disposable, this is the post for you. This post is detailed and link heavy, so if you're not interested in the cloth diaper debate, don't bother reading this. :)


These are the latest and greatest in cloth diapers. What? They don't look like you thought or remembered? Cloth diapers have come a long way since we were babies! The image came from Everyday Diapers, and shows a variety of the major styles and brands.

Why cloth? Since we hope to have more children, reusable cloth diapers would be considerably cheaper for our family, especially if you consider $1600 per child for two years each with disposables. God only knows how many children we'll end up having biologically and through adoption; 3, maybe 4??? That's A LOT of money for diapers! Most of the major brands of cloth diapers advertise savings of $1000-$2000 per child, plus one ton of landfill waste! In addition to that, consider the savings if I make them myself...sounds worth it to me!

If you want to look at or buy cloth diapers and you're in the area, Miss Monkey's Boutique at the Black Lion in Pineville, NC has a large selection of cloth diapers. She features cloth diapers from many of the major distributors, like Bum Genius, Fuzzi Bunz, Happy Heineys, Thirsties, Bummis (don't you just LOVE these names?) and many more! If you visit their sites, you'll notice that there's something a little different about all of them, which is overwhelming at first. The Zany Zebra and Cloth Planet have been extremely helpful in educating me on cloth diaper types and terminology. There are AIOs (all in ones), AI2s (all in twos), pocket diapers, and fitted diapers with waterproof covers, to name a few. I'll probably make a couple of AIOs for us to send to the church nursery with Beulah. From my experience, anyone volunteering in the nursery that has never used cloth diapers doesn't know what to do with them. That's why most of us use disposables. They're easy and convenient. But, since we'd like to use cloth, I'll make it easy on them and send a cloth diaper that works exactly like a disposable. All they have to do is take the dirty one off and put the clean one on. But, I think we'll use something more like the AI2s or pocket diapers when we're home.

If you're still reading, then you must be seriously considering using cloth diapers with your little one. These sites were very helpful in narrowing down the options. There is no clear cut right answer with so many choices. They all have pros and cons, so it seems to be a matter of trial and error to find out what's best for your baby and your family.
AIOs versus pocket diapers
velcro versus snap enclosures
one size versus sized diapers

The Cute Caboose seems to have the right idea. They offer a cloth diaper trial package. Like 'em? Keep 'em for a discount on your first purchase. Don't like 'em? Send 'em back and get your money back! But, after some research, I already know I don't need many of the things offered in their trial package, so today we went to Miss Monkey's and bought one Fuzzi Bunz Perfect Size pocket diaper (which has snaps), and one Bum Genius One Size diaper (which has velcro). The plan is to try them out, see which one works best on Beulah, and then buy or download a pattern closest to the one that works. If I get really good at it, I will make diapers for friends and family for a better price than the major distributors! Pray that my endeavors are not in vain!

I've Got the Bug

No, not the swine flu. :) I've got the sewing bug! I took a sewing class in high school and did very well. We made everything from blankets and pillows to dresses and even a lined suit! I LOVED it! But, just like a language, if you don't practice, you forget some of the techniques. I got busy with other things and didn't really care about taking the time to make something that was easier (and quicker) to buy.

Dance was my only passion for 27 years. My excitement about dance started to die the closer we got to growing our family. I think there were several reasons why. 1 - because I was excited about something else; a baby! 2 - because we live in a part of the country (as opposed to NY or LA) where there aren't places close to home for adults to take classes, so I was out of practice (and out of shape!). 3 - because when you're not actively participating in your trade, the field tends to progress without you. 4 - I didn't feel right continuing to teach dance when I wasn't as passionate about it and felt guilty that I wasn't passing on the most current information or skills.

For the past two years, I have felt that I didn't have a passion (although, many people told me that adoption and growing my family was obviously my passion). But, the other day I went to Hobby Lobby looking for decorating ideas and saw that they have a "Project Inspiration" section on their website. When I went to the site, I got this crazy spurt of energy! I saw some sewing projects and thought, I could do that! And, that started a two week websearch for projects. For some reason, I got really excited about bags and purses. And, I was stupid excited when I saw that there were FREE patterns online! And, you can find video tutorials teaching different sewing skills! For the next couple of nights I couldn't sleep because I was dreaming of designs and fabrics and searching for patterns. I'm tellin' ya--it's GOOD to feel passionate and excited about something creative again!

When Andy and I got married, I sewed some things out of necessity. I hemmed clothes and curtains, and even recovered a couch!

BEFORE

Our TEMPORARY solution--an old comforter. I know. You're saying, "Whew, glad that was temporary!" Me too. (Notice the boom box, head phones and CDs...man, a lot has changed in the past nine years! iPods are so much more convenient!)

AFTER


I had bought Sewing for Dummies, probably got through page 20, and stopped. I haven't sewn since. But, last week I got it out again and am soaring through it! And, as I was thinking of things I'd like to make, I starting thinking about baby stuff. Then I thought, what about cloth diapers?! We wanted to do cloth diapers to begin with, but couldn't front the money for a full set. Making them wouldn't cost nearly as much! (Dana D., you would be so proud!) And, over time, with multiple children, we will save a TON of money--not to mention, the environment! And, guess what...there are FREE patterns for cloth diapers online too! So, yesterday I went to my multi-talented and green friend, Leslie's house and she made a diaper while I watched and learned. (Leslie, you are amazing! Thank you!) I have done tons of research on cloth diapers online (which I will share in another post), and am ridiculously excited about DIAPERS! I know that sounds crazy, but it's true! I also want to make nursing pads, wipes, burp cloths and diaper bags.

If you've been to our house, you know that almost all of our walls are blank and there are no curtains on any of the windows. We've painted the living room and kitchen and Beulah's room. That's it! No, we didn't just move in. We've been here for almost two years, but we thought it was better to spend our money and time on other things. But, now that I'm home and have this renewed energy for sewing, I want to make curtains, pillows, duvet covers...EVERYTHING!! (Can you tell I'm excited?!) It will be nice to create a more welcoming environment in our home, make gifts for people, and SAVE MONEY! Woo hoo! Praise the LORD for planting this desire in me. Now, I pray that He helps me to carry it out!

So, I'm off to blow the dust off the old sewing machine and oil it up! Maybe for Christmas I'll ask Santa for gift cards to fabric stores!

A Rose By Any Other Name?

Long before the kids come, you dream about what you will name them. In our six years of waiting, we threw around tons of names, but never settled on any of them. It wasn't until the night before we found out that Beulah would be a girl that we settled on her name. You can read the story of how we came to that decision and the significance of her name here.

But, the other day, I picked up an old baby name book that I got when we first started TTC (trying to conceive) to see if Beulah was in there. The index took me to a section called "So Far Out They'll Probably Always Be Out". What? I think I'm offended! Well...maybe not. I mean, we knew when we picked it that every Beulah we'd heard of was either 90 or dead. We were excited about the fact that there wouldn't be a ton of Beulah's in her classes at school. And, most of the reactions we got when we revealed her name were positive. One friend even said that she wished it was her name! Now that's a compliment!

But, this is what the book said.

When you talk about baby names, there are two words that are very risky to use: always and never. After all, in the first edition of this book, we stated firmly that two names that would never come back were Raymond and Murray. Well, since then, two hip medial stars--Jack Nicholson and Lisa Kudrow--have used them for their sons, and others have resurrected such long-slumbering selections as Clara and Ella and Lorraine and Renee and Zelda and Wolfgang, just as Elijah and Isaiah and Abigail are making their way up the popularity charts, and we have a nonmouse movie star named Minnie. Nevertheless, although it is with some trepidation, we submit the following list of names we're pretty sure are so far out they'll never come back as baby names. Just don't remind us of what we said when Hester and Herman make it to the top of the list in the year 2020.

Well, I hate to tell ya, Linda and Pamela, but my mom, brother-in-law, and neighbor's names are all on that list! (OK, maybe I am a little defensive.)

At the doctor's office, the nurse asked us how we came up with the name Beulah. We explained that it came from Isaiah 62. Afterwards, she called her "Bella" several times. Then she said, "I keep calling her Bella, but it's Beulah, isn't it? I think I like Bella, but I respect Beulah." Ha ha! Andy and I quote that to each other anytime we need a good laugh.

Parents.com did a survey asking parents, "Do you regret giving your baby the name you did?"
91% No, I still love it.
3% Now that we have a nickname, I like it better.
6% I'd have chosen something different in hindsight.

I have to say, I'm with the 91%.

Is This Your First?

When I was pregnant, this was one of the many questions strangers frequently asked. And, now that I have a baby, people still ask. I didn't think about the implications of the question at the time, but since becoming a mom, I've realized what a loaded question it is. A simple "yes" or "no" provides the interrogator with loads of information.

A "yes" tells them that...

*you can't fully understand what you've gotten yourself into, because you haven't been there yet.
*you're probably scared to death because you have no idea what you're doing.
*you will be walking around for the next several months like a zombie and your house will be a mess.
*you may not get a warm meal for several months.
*you will not shower as often or be as well groomed for a while.
*the dog's hair and breath will bother you more than ever before.
*the decor of your house is about to change, as is the amount of clutter.
*because of the clutter, you will likely start to dream of a bigger house and car.
*your cabinets and toilets will soon be locked down tighter than Fort Knox.
*what you play in your DVD player and on your iPod will change.
*you'll talk, sing and dance in ways that you never intend other adults to hear or see.
*needles (shots) will make you cry again like they did when you were a kid.
*your bills will increase and your priorities in making purchases will change.
*who you spend time with and what you spend time doing will change.
*your ability to "fly by the seat of your pants" will come to a screeching halt.
*you will turn into your parents.
*you will have to be intentional about maintaining relationships with friends that don't have kids.
*you will have to be intentional about maintaining a relationship with your spouse.
*your idol--SELF--will be exposed, as you're faced with the reality of your own selfishness.
*you will be humbled when you realize that you CAN'T do it better than EVERYbody else, and YES, that CAN happen to you.
*you will be on your knees for another person more than ever before.
*you will never care for, protect or defend anyone more in your life.
*your whole life is about to change...for the better.
(and most importantly...)
*you will have more joy and love in your heart than you ever thought possible.

A "no" tells them...you already know all that. Next time someone asks me, I think I'll say "no". Ha ha!

Half-Birthday Already?!!

Around 5 months, we hit our stride. Beulah started sleeping better (2 hour naps and waking only twice at night!), which meant Andy and I started sleeping better. With more sleep, medication, and help from loved ones, I also started to lighten up. I finally feel like myself again! And, whether it is because I am less stressed, because she's sleeping better or because she's just maturing, Beulah seems SO much happier! This past month, being parents has felt more like we'd always dreamed it would; rewarding and FUN!

Beulah's moving all over the place now! I have to keep my eyes on her at all times, because before I know it, she'll be halfway across the room. She's not crawling yet, but she is doing what they call "creeping". She'll roll over and over or push herself with her feet to get wherever she wants to go. And, this month, she hit her biggest milestone yet...sitting up! I never understood how exciting these milestones are for parents until now!

Beulah is too tall for her 3-6 month clothes, so we've switched to 6-9. Her Ninnie and Nana came to visit this month, and instead of them having to do damage control, we got to play! We did quite a bit of shopping. Poor Beulah. We drug her around until we wore her out. Ninnie got Beulah ready for the cold weather coming up this fall/winter, and Nana couldn't resist the cute spring/summer dresses on sale. So, she is set, thanks to the generosity of her grandparents!

It seems that Beulah has entered the stranger anxiety phase a little early. There have been a few times when people have wanted to hold her, and she would poke her lip out and start to cry. Man, that lip will kill you! So pitiful! But, thankfully, she's still doing well in the church nursery.

My girl's also got a little fire in her. If we're trying to clean her face, give her teething tabs, button her shirts/sleepers and she doesn't want us to, she will swat our hands away. And, she's strong! So, sometimes one of us has to hold her hands while the other does what needs to be done. She's a feisty one! If you're not doing what she wants you to do fast enough, she'll squeal LOUD. And, if she's through with a toy, she'll throw it! But, all is well when she lights up at the sight of us and reaches her hands out to us. Well...she does that to Pedro too, but still. It's special. :)

The pictures and videos below may seem excessive, but I couldn't widdle them down any more. (Go ahead, call me a proud mama. I'll admit it!) Together, they give you a good idea of Beulah's bubbly personality, and what the past month has been like.



For my birthday in May 2008, several friends pooled their money together to get us a sitting with a photographer with the expectation that we'd be receiving our adopted child soon. I got pregnant in July 2008 + 9 months of pregnancy + a rough start to parenthood, and we just now redeemed it. :) Photos were taken by the talented Lori Winters.








Beulah was having a great time with Pedro until daddy coughed and almost knocked her off her seat!

The Jesus Storybook Bible

Beulah's Uncle David & Aunt Heather sent her this Bible as a gift. They read it with their kids and have found it to be a Christ-centered approach to the Bible stories. Andy ordered it for children's church and it came with an audio recording of the entire book! So, Andy and I listened to the first two stories the other night and LOVED it! We decided to use it as a family devotional for now, and we'll revisit it time and again as Beulah grows. Thanks, David & Heather! Check it out!

Seriously?!

After I saw this segment, I went on Facebook and took off the two bath-time pictures of my INFANT naked. Unbelievable!


And again, SERIOUSLY?!

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Beulah, 3-5 months!!

My baby girl is five months old! I can't believe it!! The biggest privilege and greatest joy in my life right now is to watch her interact with and respond to the world around her. I love to see her reactions to each new sight, sound or sensation. I knew all these milestones were coming, but I never anticipated how much joy each one would bring me.

Beulah is super alert and always afraid she's going to miss something. She has a big personality and a big smile to match it (as you can see in the pictures)! My new favorite sound is the sound of her laughter (see video), which is more frequent every day, especially since we've discovered that she's ticklish! One thing that will make her laugh every time (even if she's fussy) is Pedro. She squeals and giggles at him every time she sees him. He is so good with her, and they "play" together all the time. She also enjoys seeing herself in the mirror. Put her in front of one, and you're guaranteed at least a smile.

We've recently discovered that Beulah LOVES books. She gets a free book each month from the Dolly Parton Imagination Library, and we try to read to her each night before bed. Last month she received a sweet cardboard book called Peekaboo Morning. Its illustrations are colorful and its language is simplistic. We read it to her one night, and she seemed to get really excited, squealing and kicking her feet. So, we decided to read it to her again the next night. When we pulled it out and she saw it, she got so excited, she started moving her whole body! The third night, when Andy showed it to her, she gasped and looked at him in the eyes as if to say, "Are you serious?! Thanks, dad!" Yay, books!

Beulah's favorite toys are hands and feet. Whether hers or someone else's, she loves to play with them. She especially loves looking at painted toe nails. I was SO excited when she started sucking her toes. Precious! She seems bored with all the real toys we have, and would much rather play with a cup, water bottle, or Tupperware lid. She prefers toys that hang so she can grab and bat at them. Be sure to check out the picture of her nursing the elephant's trunk. Hilarious! And, what a joy it was to watch her roll over for the first time! It's so amazing to watch a tiny, helpless human become more independent and mobile every day! We love it when she joins us for dinner, sitting in her Bumbo seat (which she loves!) on the table top. Cuteness!

It appears that Beulah will have quite a sense of humor. For about a week, she started talking in a funny voice that we labeled the "man voice". She would tuck her chin, looking at you out of the tops of her eyes, and talk in this deep, throaty voice. So funny! And, at night, when she's tired, she either gets really silly or really grumpy. If she's grumpy, WATCH-OUT! Especially if we're trying to put her in her car seat; she will stiffen her body so tight that we can't bend her to sit her down!

Beulah visited my parents' house for the first time in July, and Andy's parents' in August. She met her great-grandmother on her visit to FL. It was such a blessing to see her interact with that great woman, and get some pictures of them together. Beulah also got to go swimming for the first time in her Nana & Pop Pop's pool! She LOVED it, which was no surprise since she loves baths so much.

Last month, it was a big deal for baby AND mama when Beulah went to the church nursery for the first time! That morning, I felt very strongly that I needed to put her in the nursery. When I got there and saw that there were nursery workers who I loved and trusted and who knew Beulah, I felt comfortable leaving her with them. Sure, I had so many butterflies in my stomach that I could have thrown-up, but I didn't even check on her one time during service! And, when I went to pick her up, my sweet friend Kylie was holding Beulah the same way I hold her when she's in pain. I didn't even tell her! God orchestrated that for sure! It was very healing for me to be in worship again. I am so thankful that we have a safe place for our babies while we focus on the LORD.

We finally took the changing pad out of Beulah's crib! Sometimes, she would wake up and start playing with the mobile; batting at the animals. As she reached up, she pushed with her feet and would end up with her head off the end of the changing pad. So, we took it away to see what would happen. And, lo and behold, the child flipped over onto her belly and went to sleep! We put her down on her back, and every single time, she flips to her stomach to go to sleep. As you can imagine, this helps with the legs flying up in the air. :) So, she is now a stomach sleeper who only wakes up twice a night and takes hour and a half naps! Praise the LORD!!!

Life is good. :)

Beulah & Pedro Playing from Michelle Crissinger on Vimeo.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

There I sat with a sleeping baby in my arms. Thus began the anxious dance of putting her down without waking her up. If you've been there, you KNOW what I'm talking about. Exhausted, you will do ANYTHING to make the transfer from your arms to the crib successful. And if it is, you stand by the crib holding your breath for the next several minutes, praying she won't realize what you've done, causing you to have to start the lengthy dance over again. Is this how everybody does it? If so, is it as maddening to you as it was to me?! Well, I guess when you have to do it upwards of five times a night, anybody would go mad.

The problem for us from the beginning was that Beulah's sucking reflex triggered sleep; whether while nursing or taking a bottle. Maybe it's that way for all newborns. I did everything suggested to keep her awake while nursing, but to no avail. This was only reinforced when Beulah's gas was really bad and we had a hard time getting her to eat. On many occasions, we had to walk around the house with her until she was relaxed and almost asleep, and then I would nurse her to sleep. Sometimes this was the only way to get food in her. While she nursed, she would pass the gas because she was so relaxed. So, after much frustration in trying to keep her awake, we gave in and committed to the dance. At times, when I was really tired, it would make me crazy. Other times, I had to laugh at how silly we looked trying to stand and walk without shifting our weight or body position so as to alert her to our trickery. The dance was complicated by the fact that if we didn't put the paci in her mouth as soon as we laid her down, she would wake up. She had to be sucking on something at all times. So, when the paci fell out, we had to go in and replace it...that is, if she hadn't woken up so much that we had to start over again. We dreamt up ways of keeping the paci in her mouth, but none of them would have passed a safety inspection. So, we kept putting the dumb thing back in until she was too asleep to notice it had fallen out.

Beulah started sleeping in her car seat (as advised by the pediatric nurse) early on because of her reflux. During that time, she only woke once a night. That was very manageable. But, at around 3 months, we had to get her out of the car seat. We wanted to make the transition easier by providing a place for her to sleep that would help her to feel secure and cozy. So, we let her sleep on her contoured changing pad in the crib and used a small wedge to slightly raise her upper body. We quickly learned that sleeping flat on her back was not one of Beulah's gifts. When she had gas (and because of her breech position in the womb), her legs would fly up in the air and wake her up. Sometimes she would have only been asleep for about 15 minutes when this would happen. Swaddling her just made her mad. I even tried to put her down on her stomach, but that freaked her out and she cried. This is when the insomnia began for me.

During the day, if I put her down, she'd wake up after 20 minutes or less. If she only got sleep in 20 minute intervals, by the end of the day, she (and I) would be overtired and therefore had an even harder time falling asleep. So, many days I held her while she slept. That way, she could sleep an average of two hours. But, what was I doing during this time? NOTHING! Sure, I was bonding with my baby. But, the anxiety about the things I could be doing increased as the hours passed. If I could, I would have slept too. But, unfortunately, that was a rare occasion. I'm a very light sleeper and hear every little sound. I also worry about my movement waking her up. So, I lay there anxiously wishing I could turn over to get more comfortable. Besides that, it's hard for me to relax with her right next to me with all the thoughts of SIDS and suffocation running through my head. The few times I attempted it, I only reached a twilight sleep and woke frequently to make sure her airways were clear.

One night, as I lay awake, I was praying for wisdom on how to help her stay asleep in her crib. I thought it might help if we made her feel like she was still sitting like she had been in the car seat. So, I came up with the idea of folding blankets and putting them under her legs, up against her bottom, so that her legs wouldn't have as far to go when they flew up or settled down. This seemed to help...very little.

Now, here's where you're going to laugh. I can laugh about it now. At the time I didn't think it was funny at all. We started dreaming up ways of keeping her legs from flying up. So, I made a cloth rice bag to lay across her feet. We had to place it below her knees so that if her legs flew up with enough force, they wouldn't throw the rice bag onto her face and suffocate her. Can you see the ridiculous thought process we were going through? That didn't work either. She just kicked it off. So, I tried using the strap on the changing pad to hold her legs down. We were desperate. Go ahead. Laugh. It's crazy. I know. Yeah, you guessed it. That didn't work either. It was time for a change.

Andy can sleep through anything. So, at that point, I moved into the guest bedroom and we moved Beulah's changing pad to our bed. Andy would sleep next to her with his hand on her legs, keeping them from flying up. Sometimes that worked. But, when she woke completely up, he brought her to me to nurse back to sleep. This was much more manageable, because at least I could sleep in between feedings. But, this was happening up to five times a night, and frankly, I was tired of being used as a pacifier. I desperately needed someone else to be able to put her to sleep too so that the pressure wasn't always on me to be there. After three weeks of living like this, we had both had it. Our family was not healthy. We were all exhausted and committed to doing whatever it took to change this situation. Why did we wait so long? Because if she was waking due to pain, we wanted to comfort her to let her know we are there when she needs us. We couldn't bear the thought of her suffering alone.

First, we read up on all the ways you can train your baby to sleep. We were doing most of the techniques to encourage sleep already: a consistent bedtime routine, familiar sounds and sights in her room each night, keeping the lights off for nighttime feedings, etc. But, here's the breakdown of the problems we were having.
* Beulah couldn't put herself to sleep. She relied on us to sooth her back to sleep when she woke.
* The paci. Enough said.
* Being put down asleep caused her to be scared and confused when she woke, so she sought comfort from us.
* Frequent waking was hurting the whole family.
* Co-sleeping was not an option because I wouldn't rest well.

We were already doing a great deal of what "no-tears" proponents recommend, and they were not working for us. If we were to stick to that method, it would take a considerable amount of time, and we didn't have a lot of time. We were falling apart. Our first goal was to un-do her need to suck to sleep, and that was not going to happen without some tears. If we had been able to keep her awake while feeding from the beginning, I believe the no-cry method could have worked. But, that wasn't the case.

One desperate night, Andy and I were awake searching the internet (separately, and without the knowledge of the other), looking for solutions. I came across an audio program called The Baby Sleep Solution. It was very poorly marketed, and there weren't any reputable reviews that I could find. But, we were desperate, and hoped it might offer something that we hadn't thought of. So, we downloaded it and listened to it that day. It had a couple of ideas we hadn't heard of, but for the most part we were familiar with the suggested methods. What it DID do for us was give us courage. After listening, we realized that no matter what we did, she was going to cry. We were going to initiate a change in what she was used to and comfortable with, and she was not going to like it.

The first step in sleep training is eliminating the possibility that your baby's night waking is caused by a medical condition. We felt confident that was not the case with Beulah after 3 visits to the GI doctor who told us she would grow out of the gas problems as her system matured. We were not so concerned with having her sleep through the night at this point. Our main goal was for her to be able to fall asleep on her own. We knew that once she learned that skill, she would naturally be able to put herself back to sleep when she woke up...eventually. So, that day, I stopped letting her sleep while nursing. I had to be more animated during feedings, which was tricky because I didn't want to distract her from eating. If she got close to sleep, I stopped nursing and burped her. We also decided to switch to bottles during the night. That way, Andy could help me, and she would be less likely to wake for a bottle as opposed to the comfort of nursing. Our plan was to graduate the milk to water ratio (as suggested in The Baby Sleep Solution) over the course of several nights until she eventually got only water. Who would want to wake for that? And, most importantly, we would put her down drowsy but awake.

We divided the nights in half. One of us slept on the couch downstairs while the other was on "duty". I nursed her earlier in the bedtime routine so that she didn't fall asleep. We changed her into her PJs, read her a book, turned down the lights and turned on the sound machine. Then, we sang a song and put her in the crib.

Simply put, it sucked. As a woman who has obsessed about knowing how to meet her baby's needs when she cries, it was very difficult for me to listen and not go in and pick her up. We went in every few minutes and kissed her and told her we loved her, but we had to leave before she fell asleep. There was one saving grace. We had been given a Fisher Price crib attachment that has lights, movement and music that we had not used yet. So, the day before we started this, I attached it to the crib. When she got really upset, I started it up and she seemed comforted and entertained by it. Most times it would settle her down and she would eventually fall asleep.

As I write this, we have been working on this for 5 nights/days, and this week we feel like we have a new life! After only 2 days, I was able to put her down for a nap with no fuss. How long was the nap? TWO HOURS!!!!! Yep! Unbelievable!! Since she is aware of her surroundings when she falls asleep, if she wakes up briefly, she can fall back asleep feeling secure. And, she sleeps longer! Last night she only woke up twice, and one stretch lasted 5.5 hours!! I actually checked to make sure she was still alive! This morning when I laid her in her crib for a nap, she actually smiled! What?! Of course, sometimes she whimpers because she doesn't want to go to sleep, but it doesn't last more than 5-10 minutes, and it's never a full blown cry. Sometimes when she wakes up, she'll start playing with her feet without a peep. It's the most amazing blessing!! Do you have any idea how liberating it is to be able to put her down and not spend the next 10 minutes holding her legs down, praying she'll stay asleep, fearing that she'll wake up after only 20 mins?! For the first time since she was born, I feel like we can work towards a predictable schedule. I'm going to have to relearn how to be FREE again! I might actually get the laundry folded and put away or the dishes done or...SHOWER! Or, (gasp!) Andy and I might actually be able to go on a date since she doesn't need me to fall asleep anymore! Woo hoo!!

What about her gas? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe we had her trained to believe she needed us when she had gas. As her system has matured and she becomes a better burper, her gas seems to be decreasing along with the pain. I've heard her pass gas while she's sleeping, but now she stays asleep or goes right back to sleep instead of calling out for us. Maybe it wasn't that she was in pain when passing gas in the night to begin with. Maybe it was just that the gas woke her up and she realized she wasn't in our arms and wanted to be. Who knows? All I know is, she's sleeping better and longer, and we're all happier.

If you're a "no-cry" proponent, I know this makes you VERY uncomfortable. But, don't feel like you have to tell me all the ways we've screwed up our baby's psyche by letting her cry. Before we started this, I had already tortured myself by reading literature that opposes it. I'm sure they'd say that she doesn't cry when she has gas anymore because she's learned not to trust us since we didn't answer her cries. They'd say, she's decided that her voice is not heard and it won't make a difference if she cries anyway, so she chooses not to. Trust me, we wouldn't have let her cry if we felt like we had another choice. And, I can assure you, I am no less sensitive to her cries. As far as the trust issue goes, all I can do is give it to God. He is sovereign even over this. And, even though He allows me to cry and hurt sometimes, I still trust Him and know He is there for me. I pray it will be the same for Beulah.

The Road to Recovery

Your prayers on our behalf have been heard, and the LORD is faithful! I am thankful to say, we are on the road to recovery and He is healing our family. It's amazing how things can change so much in just three weeks!

At my two week check up, the doctor was very pleased at the progress I've made. He said that with these kinds of results, I wouldn't need to be on the meds for long; probably 3-6 months. My anxiety has decreased drastically, and I am happy to say that I have not had one bout of anger since my last post! I have a lot more peace, joy and patience these days; praise the LORD! Several things have contributed to my recovery.
* the meds.
* getting a lot more rest. Andy has been an enormous help in the night, and has taken good care of me.
* getting help from friends and family. Some have brought dinner, others have come over just to hang out and hold Beulah for a while for me.
* improvements in Beulah's sleep (details on how this happened in the next post)
* encouragement from you guys. Hearing your stories and knowing you're interceding for us has really lifted my spirits.
* Answered prayers.
THANK YOU!!

I believe the Lord is working on me in a couple of ways. Mainly, He's teaching me how to accept help and let the Body function as it was intended (1 Corinthians 12). We are taught by our society that we should be independent; we shouldn't need anybody. But, God intended for us to be interdependent. It's hard to go against what is ingrained in you by your culture. I'm used to being the one who listens when others have problems. I've been told it's one of my gifts to listen and offer support to those who are struggling. I'm NOT used to accepting help. It makes me very uncomfortable to feel needy. But, as some have reminded me, it is for a season. And, we all will have times when we give and times when we need to receive. So, thank you for offering yourself to me and forcing me to accept. I have really needed that.

The second way I believe the Lord is challenging me is in worship. Last week, when Beulah got fussy in the car, I started scanning radio stations looking for something fun to listen to. I stopped scanning when I heard "Come, now is the time to worship." The lyrics that stuck with me that day were, "Come, NOW is the time to worship. Come, JUST AS YOU ARE to worship. Come, JUST AS YOU ARE before your God." I was reminded that we are called to worship despite our circumstances. I learned this through infertility, but somehow when a new challenge arises I forget. The God of the Universe is worthy of our praise simply for who He is, not just for what He does for us.



I love y'all. I am completely humbled by your love and kindness to our family during this time. Thank you for loving on us. I only hope to return the love to you when you need it. Be blessed and encouraged! I am.

Depression Confession

The week after my last post was the best week Beulah and I have had together. I could literally feel your prayers. Those of you that I talked to personally, I told you that things were better; not because the situation had changed, but because God had changed me. That week, I started to write a post about how God had turned my mountain into a mole hill and had given me peace about Beulah’s problems. He opened my eyes to other people's struggles that dwarf ours by a long shot. It put things into perspective and helped me to cope. I also stopped expecting things to go perfectly so that I didn't freak out when they didn't. Andy found his own way to cope. He made the point that Beulah could have been born to any family. What if she had been born to a family with a dad that had anger problems? What would happen to her? Thank you, God, for blessing us with this precious child!

This new perspective certainly helped, but so did YOU. I received such an outpouring of love and support after my last post that I don't have words to express my gratitude. Not only did I discover that there are many MANY more of you that had a rough start with your little one(s), I've also had offer after offer for help. One friend even blocked out a weekly time to help with whatever I happen to need that day! People have brought us food and cleaned our house. Some have even offered to hold Beulah during worship so I could go in to hear the message! You people are amazing!! Thank you, and thank God for meeting me where I am and acknowledging that what I am feeling is very real despite the fact that it pales in comparison to the problems of some others (Romans 14:1). You have been, for us, what God intended community to be (1 Corinthians 12). THANK YOU!!

Now for the update...


The week Andy was in Guatemala, I took Beulah to GA to stay with my parents. Up to that point, Beulah had only been waking one time every night, which didn’t bother me a bit. I actually liked the nighttime feeding. It was a peaceful, quiet time with my little angel, unlike the daytime. Andy didn’t have to help because it wasn’t like I was up for long. But, the week we were in GA, she started waking five or more times each night. After the third night of it, my mom came in around 7 AM when she heard Beulah crying. She offered to take Beulah for me, which I gladly accepted. After I passed her off, I went to another room and stated sobbing. I had already put her down five times and she had just woken right back up. I was exhausted. I went back to sleep for two more hours while Mama took care of Beulah.

Unfortunately, things didn’t get back to “normal” when we got home. She continued waking 5+ times every night. And, because the pattern had been set for me to do the nighttime feedings without Andy’s help, I was doing it alone. He would have helped, but I knew he had to work, so I didn’t ask him to. Several nights she woke up every single hour. Most times, she wouldn’t nap during the day either, unless she was being held by someone. Sadly enough, I can’t sleep with her on or even near me. Trust me, at that point I would have considered co-sleeping if I thought I could sleep. To top it all off, I started to have insomnia. I don’t know whether it was anxiety because I wasn’t sleeping, or if I was just laying there waiting for her to wake up. I was more than exhausted, but I couldn’t sleep. Insomnia helps during the night when your baby wakes up every hour, but it does nothing for the daytime.

After three weeks of this, my mom came to stay a week and help me with Beulah. By that point, I was so exhausted I was literally losing my mind. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. That became more apparent to me every day/night. The second night my mom was there was one of the nights I was up every single hour. At 5 AM, when Beulah started crying, I finally asked Andy if he would go get her. It hadn’t been long since I put her down, and I was getting so angry, I thought it would be better for someone else to care for her. I wasn’t angry at her or even God anymore; I was just angry and tired. Andy tried for about 10 minutes to calm and satisfy her, but nothing was working. I knew that the only thing that would help was nursing. So, very frustrated, I told him to bring her to me. I started nursing her. But, the anger had welled up inside of me and it had to come out. I didn’t want to hurt her, and I didn’t want to break anything, so I just wacked myself in the forehead with my fist two times really hard. That’s when Andy knew that this was serious.

The third night, when Beulah woke up at 10 PM, then 11 PM, then 12 AM and I knew I had the rest of the night like that to look forward to, I lost it again. I left Beulah in the crib crying and I sobbed on my knees in the bathroom. That night, my mom & Andy sent me to the couch with some Tylenol PM (I had been fighting a headache all day) and they did shifts taking care of Beulah. That was the most consecutive hours of sleep I’ve had since Beulah was born. It was great! But, the next day, I was still exhausted and showing signs of anger. So, the fourth night, they sent me to the couch again. The fifth night, I tried to get back in the mix. I was going to take a shift or two. But, when she woke up after having only been asleep for 15 minutes, my reaction made it apparent that I wasn’t quite ready yet. Couch again. You’d think that after three nights on the couch I would have felt better. But, I only felt more exhausted. The next day, Andy called and made an appointment for me to see a doctor about the possibility of postpartum depression (PPD).

The potential need for medication had come up before. But, so many people had warned me about the hormones and how “crazy” I would get after the baby was born, that I thought this was normal. I wouldn’t even consider that I—someone who had waited 6 years for this—could have postpartum depression. I was supposed to be the happiest mother on the earth! I always ignored the articles and chapters on PPD because I thought it could never happen to someone who was so happy to have a baby and I didn't have any of the risk factors. But, Andy, my mom, Andy’s mom, and some others reassured me that THIS was NOT normal. So, I went to the appointment.

The Doctor was great. He took the time to listen and evaluate. He said, “We underestimate our need for sleep.” I told him that the anger was so intense that it was potentially serious. He said, “It’s not ‘potentially serious’, it IS serious.” He recommended medication temporarily to help get me through this rough time. I agreed, because I knew that my stress was passing on to Beulah and creating this cyclical nightmare. So, I, “smiley” (as some have called me in the past), am on Zoloft. Yes, me; the one whose glass is always half full; the one who laughs at every little thing. I am on an anti-depressant.

I still don’t want to call it PPD. In my mind, that would mean that I don’t love and enjoy my baby (that's what I thought PPD was), which is SO not true. I haven’t wanted to harm her nor do I resent her in any way. I adore her! We have loads of fun and laughs during her wake time. It's the feeding and sleeping that trigger the anxiety and anger. I have to remind myself that postpartum depression is not borne out of my heart, it is my body's response to delivery. I also don’t feel what I have imagined people who are depressed feel; no suicidal thoughts. But, if anxiety, anger and a sense that things will never get better is depression, then that’s me. If I submit and call it “postpartum depression”, my fear is that it will steal the glory of God’s miracle in having created Beulah in the first place. But, as my dear mother-in-law and cousin reminded me, the miracle was her conception. Nothing can take that away. God didn’t promise that life would be perfect for me or for her.

I would much rather say that it is “situational depression”; that I am having this anger and anxiety because of our current situation. This is happening to me because I am exhausted, and once I get some rest, it’ll all go away. But, the reality is, there have been signs of this from the first day we brought her home. I have been completely obsessive and neurotic. Our moms saw it. Andy saw it. You may have even seen it too. If you have been reading my posts since she’s been born, you’ll notice that there is a stark change in tone from the posts before she was born.

Sometimes I think that God is into bartering. For example, I thought that this would never happen to me because I suffered through infertility. In other words, if I make it through one trial, I deserve a break. I've earned it. It's my right as a Christian. But, nothing could be further from the truth. Besides the fact that we live in a fallen world and should never expect anything to be perfect (until heaven), just the fact that I'm a human means that I don't deserve anything...well, actually I deserve God's wrath (Romans 3). But, that’s why God sent His son, so that I don’t have to get what I deserve. That’s what mercy is. Instead, I get what I don’t deserve; an inheritance with Christ in Heaven! That’s what grace is. And, that's what really matters; not all this other stuff. But, I'm still here in this flawed world. So, after six years of infertility, I have a baby with colic who won’t sleep or self sooth and I’m tired. It seems important to me now. It reminds me that I can't do it alone, that in this life, we need a Savior. Trials force us to rely on Him.

“But,” you say, “Christians shouldn’t need medication. God should just fix us." And, the debate ensues. But, despite where you and I stand on the issue, I AM on medication, and it seems to be helping; that, plus the fact that Andy is taking a very active role in my recovery. He's a huge help in the night time. I am no longer anxiety ridden, and the insomnia seems to be subsiding. Praise the LORD!

Another step towards freedom will come when I learn to let go of the “should do’s”. The doctors, books and articles all say you shouldn't nurse your baby to sleep. But, sometimes she's so keyed up that I have to get her almost asleep before she'll eat, so of course she falls asleep while she's nursing. They also say you should put your baby down for naps (don't hold them while they sleep). But, when I've done that, she wakes up after 15 minutes or less with her legs flying in the air from gas. On me, she can sleep up to 3 solid hours. And, the rules go on and on. So, what if you follow all those rules, but your baby won't/can't comply? That's enough to drive a rule follower like me out of my mind! So, I'm trying to let those "should do's" go so that I can relax and do what is best (and what works) for Beulah. Sure, I may have a hard time breaking many of the habits that are forming now, but for the most part, we don't have a choice. We're in "survival mode", as we call it.

Since my appointment, I've discovered that postpartum depression is much more common than I knew. The Doctor told me that, but I didn't really know until I started telling people. It seems like more than half of the mothers I've talked to have had postpartum depression with at least one of their pregnancies. Some of you reading this may now suspect that you may have had it too, but either you didn't know it at the time or you didn't get a diagnosis. I don't know if there's just such a bad stigma about it that people don't talk about it, or if I've just been blind to it in my years of wanting a baby. Either way, I'm thankful for the women who have opened up and shared their story with me so that I don't feel like something is wrong with me that I need to keep hidden.

I receive weekly e-newsletters from The Baby Center that tell me about my baby's development and how my life might be effected as a result. This excerpt is from an article sent in the first couple of months that stuck with me. I was impressed with the honesty and thankful for the permission to admit that things weren't exactly what I expected.

"Even when you're the happiest person on earth to be a new parent, it's common to have nagging little feelings of disappointment. Not that you want to tell anyone. But you spent nine months imagining what your baby would be like and now here he is — perhaps not exactly what you'd pictured. Parents of a baby born with a health problem are especially vulnerable to this feeling of not getting what they'd bargained for. But parents of healthy children often have such feelings too. In all of these situations, there's a wonderful new baby to celebrate. And yet there's often an imaginary baby to mourn before the real baby can be fully embraced. Rarely does anybody talk about this phenomenon, but it's perfectly normal and human. So if your joy is tinged with a little regret, don't feel guilty. Give yourself a little space to privately grieve, and then count the blessings you do have."

I love y'all, and am so thankful for your support. I'm thankful for the calls and e-mails, even if I don't return them. They encourage me. And, one day, I will find it easier to respond. In the meantime, thank you for continuing to reach out to me. You truly are the warm arms and hands of Christ to me.