Birth Stories

A few hours after Chayah was born, I grinned to myself and said to Andy, "I finally have a birth story!" You might say, "But this is your second child--you already had a birth story." And I would say you're right, but my first birth story wasn't the one I dreamed about for six years.

I could sum up Beulah's birth story in two sentences.

Beulah's Birth Story
She was breech for the last three months of pregnancy. I had a planned C-section.

The whole experience was disappointing to me. Yes, I got my baby, and yes she and I were both healthy. But, I learned through the process that it's okay, and even natural, for a woman to grieve the loss of opportunity to labor and deliver trough the natural process. I had dreamed of having an all natural, vaginal birth for...literally, years, and I never even had a single contraction. I spent the last month of pregnancy doing head stands and other positions in hopes that she would turn. But, alas, she never did.

I had always dreamed of the day I would look at Andy and say, "This is it!" He would grab our bags and we'd be out the door. Then I would call family and friends to tell them we were on our way to the hospital. I couldn't imagine much more exciting than that! Except...well, except that moment, after hours of labor, that the baby finally came and a sense of relief, accomplishment, and sheer joy washed over me as I held my baby for the first time.

That's not at all how it happened with Beulah. It was a rather anti-climactic event. We woke up early that Saturday morning. Family was already in town. We all drove to the hospital, signed some papers, and they ran an IV. They wheeled me back to the operating room, gave me a shot in my back, laid me down, and less than five minutes later the doctor said, "You're about to have a baby!" They pulled her out of me. I felt like I should cry or something, but all I could think was that I was going to pass out. I tried to watch them carry her from the Apgar table to the scales and back again, but I was too light headed and distracted by the sensations of being "closed up". After about 10 minutes, Andy brought her over to me and held her near my face. I kissed her, but I actually thought, "How do I know she's mine? I didn't see or feel her come out of me. How can I be sure?" An irrational thought...maybe, but it was there none-the-less. At that point, Andy took her back to the room with him while I laid on the table alone and the doctor finished the procedure.

After about 30-45 more minutes, they wheeled me back to my room, at which point they asked me if I wanted to hold her. Unfortunately, I couldn't because by then I was practically convulsing from the anesthesia. I honestly don't even know how long it was before I was able to hold her for the first time. And nursing...well, that was a nightmare. I think I wrote a post about that back then, so I won't even go there now. Bonding? Well, that took some time. The whole experience was NOTHING like what I had always dreamed or imagined.

Fast forward two and a half years.

Chayah's Birth Story
At one of my first prenatal appointments, the doctor asked if I planned to have more children after this one. When I told him yes, God willing, he said the best option for me would be to do a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarian). I was thrilled to know that the providers I used in my first pregnancy were proponents of VBACs, and that one-third of the providers are Certified Nurse Midwives!

I saw many of the doctors and midwives in the practice over the next nine months, and each of them explained the risks of a VBAC verses the risks of a repeat cesarian. They all told me that the biggest risk with a VBAC is uterine rupture, the uterus tearing at the incision site. When inductions became the common practice, uterine rupture in VBAC patients sky-rocketed. So, many providers and hospitals will not allow VBACs for fear of lawsuit. But, when VBAC patients begin labor spontaneously, the risk of rupture is less than 1%. I was comfortable with that. The doctors also warned me that they would not be patient with me in labor. They explained that extended labor could put more strain on my uterus than they are comfortable with and that if I stalled, they would likely start talking about a c-section. They told me they would give me up to 41 weeks to go into labor on my own before they'd plan a c-section.

Within the last six weeks of pregnancy, I had an ultrasound that determined that Chayah was head down, so I began to prepare for an all natural VBAC. I wanted to do it naturally because it's proven that intervention (induction, epidural, etc.) leads to more intervention, and a high percentage of women who have interventions end up with c-sections. So, I knew that doing it naturally would be my best chance of having a vaginal birth. I had taken a generic birthing class when I was pregnant with Beulah, so I went back and reread the booklet from that class. I didn't take any classes this time, and honestly, I didn't do too much to prepare. I was too busy getting the house ready for Chayah's arrival.

At the beginning of the summer, I had a strong feeling that I might have Chayah before 40 weeks. As I looked at our summer plans, I knew we would be gone at least three weeks, so I felt an urgency to get things done and be ready for whatever. Thank God I did!

Exactly one month before Chayah was born, July 25th, I got a word of encouragement from my daughter, of all people! In all of my talking about Chayah coming, I had never used the word "labor" in front of her. I couldn't recall a single time when anyone had used that word in reference to birth in Beulah's presence either. But, when I woke her up from her nap that afternoon, the first thing she said was, "I hear your labor cries, Mommy." Thinking I must have misunderstood her, with a lump in my throat, I asked, "What did you say, baby?" She repeated it exactly the same way. So, with tears in my eyes, I asked, "What do you mean, baby?" But, she changed the subject and never spoke of it again. Even if she had heard us talk about labor, to put that word together with the word "cries" was further evidence that she hadn't heard it from me. My baby girl is a prophet!!

As I prepared for a natural birth, my biggest fear was that my water would break and I would not begin labor spontaneously. I knew that if that were the case, the doctors would not induce me, and I would just be wheeled in for another c-section. I asked many people to pray that things would line up just right--the size and position of the baby, timing of spontaneous labor, my water breaking, the providers on call, etc. It would all have to be just right for me to have a successful VBAC. And the LORD heard our prayers!!

Tuesday night, August 23rd, at 38.5 weeks gestation, I woke up with what felt like menstrual cramps and was slightly nauseous. I had read that both of those symptoms could be a sign of pre-labor. So, Wednesday morning I knew I needed to go to the grocery store and stock up on things we would need for the next couple of weeks. My wonderful friend Jennifer came over to go to the store with me and help with Beulah because I was feeling pretty crummy at that point. I was having mild, sporadic contractions throughout the day. But by 6 PM, I decided to time them and realized they were exactly three minutes apart for at least two hours. I was becoming less and less able to interact with Beulah, so I called Andy (who was at a Youth meeting) and asked him to come home NOW! By the time he got home, Beulah and I were cuddling on my bed. That was about the best I could do.

All of Chayah's things were ready, the hospital bags were packed, etc., but the house needed a good cleaning. So, Andy got to work. He kicked it into high gear and cleaned for the next three hours. By 1:30 AM, the contractions had strengthened and were still three minutes apart, so I called the doctor's office to see what they wanted me to do. They asked me to come in to be checked. Ria came over to stay with Beulah, and Andy and I headed to the hospital.

They examined me in triage as soon as we arrived, and found me to be 2 cm dilated, 80% effaced, and at 0 station. So, they monitored me for the next couple of hours to see if I was progressing. At the second check, I was 3 cm, 90% effaced, and at 0 station. Contractions stayed regular during that time as well, so they admitted me.

I labored in our room for the next several hours; sometimes standing, sometimes sitting upright in a chair, sometimes on the birthing ball, and sometimes lying on my side. We were exhausted from being up all night, so I found myself falling asleep between contractions, even when I was standing! I really didn't think I'd be able to do that, but I guess I was just that tired! Despite my efforts to progress and let gravity work, my contractions began to spread out and become more sporadic. So at around 10 AM, a decision had to be made about what to do with me.

I wasn't sure who was on call at that point, but I heard a familiar voice outside my door. I could tell she was looking over my chart before she came in, because in her gorgeous Welsh accent, I heard, "Oh, Beulah...I just love that name! Isn't it delightful?!" I looked at Andy with the biggest smile on my face and said, "YAY, Jan!!" And in walked Jan, a Certified Nurse Midwife.

We caught her up on what had happened so far. She examined me and didn't find much change, and then she said, "Tell me what you wish for, darling, because I want to do my best to make sure that happens." Boy, that was good to hear! I told her I'd like to have an all natural VBAC, and she said I had a very good chance of doing that. But, considering the fact that my contractions had spaced out, we needed to make a decision. She presented an option to me that I would have never imagined was possible for a VBAC patient--she suggested I go home! She said, "If you stay here, we're going to start interfering. I could break your water and interrupt God's natural process, or you could go home and wait for that to happen in His timing. Who knows how long that will take? You could be back here tonight, tomorrow, or next week. I mean, this is technically a first birth for you and you're not even at 40 weeks yet. What do you think, darling?" Well, that was an easy decision...I wanted to go home! But, Jan had to run it by the MD on call first, who just happened to be Dr. Barkley--often referred to by the midwives as "The Midwives Doctor". He was on board with sending me home--Hallelujah! So home we went.

Upon Jan's advice, I took a Tylenol PM and went up to bed around 11:00 AM. I slept between contractions, which were getting stronger as the day went on. It's amazing that one could sleep while in labor, but I'm sooo glad I was able to. I woke slightly to breath through the contractions, and then dozed off again.

By 3:00 PM, Beulah, who had been downstairs with family, was really needing to see me. So, I went downstairs for a bit to visit. But, that didn't last long, because I found it difficult to mask the intensity of the contractions and preferred laboring in private. At that point I went upstairs to take a shower. It was really a blessing to be able to labor at home. In the hospital, VBAC patients must wear a fetal monitor at all times as well as have an IV. At home I was free from tubes and wires and much more relaxed because I could labor privately in the comfort of familiar surroundings.

A few days before I went into labor, I read a book written to midwives. I was so surprised to learn how much control a woman has over her own labor progress. Emotional issues play a huge role in labor and delivery. For example, if the relationship between the baby's mother and father is rocky or if it's an unplanned pregnancy, labor can actually stall as the mother's fears are realized. Fear is one of the biggest enemies of labor--whether it's fear of becoming a mother, fear of the pain, or something else. I also learned that women who are very athletic and have strong abdominal muscles can actually use their muscles to hold the baby in place and keep him/her from coming down into the birth canal. Fascinating! So, being conscious of these things, I did a lot of self-talk in my head with each contraction. These are the things I was saying to myself.

"Natural birth is your best chance to have the delivery you want."
"Pain only lasts a little while."
"I can do anything for a day."
"Mary did this in a barn without any help!"
"Contractions are productive--each one represents progress."
"I am not afraid of contractions. I welcome them, because every one gets me closer to my baby."
"I WANT my baby to come to me."
"Relax. Let go. Give in."
"Melt. Go limp."
"Focus low."

On page 89 of the book, the author said, "As labor progresses, the body releases endorphins that make the pain easier to bear. As long as [you] surrender and let this happen, [your] body will labor automatically, and you'll find resources for coping that [you] didn't even realize [you] had." That was a HUGE encouragement to me and helped me fight fear of the pain increasing. I'm SO amazed at how God made our bodies and the grace He provides!

During labor, I also concentrated on feeling the contractions push Chayah down while I visualized the birth canal opening up. I don't know if these thoughts had anything to do with how low she was throughout labor or how fast the next phase went, but it seemed to help me!

Around 7:00 PM, I went downstairs to eat. But, I wasn't feeling much like eating, and I was starting to feel the labor in my back, so I went back upstairs to lay down a while. Then at 7:30, I got the biggest surprise...my water broke! And, when I say that, I don't even know how to describe what that was like. All I can say was that it was definitely NOT a trickle. It was a HUGE gush of warm water. Painless, but surprising none-the-less. I went straight to the bathroom to clean up, and that's when I realized there was quite a lot of blood, which scared us. The doctors had all said that red blood was not good, so I feared uterine rupture. I later found out it was due to the fact that I dilated so quickly.

The contractions picked up and intensified almost immediately. Andy went into command mode. He went down and gave orders to our parents, and then drove faster down I-77 than ever before. When we got to the hospital, Andy went in and asked for a wheel chair. The lady at the desk asked if I could walk, so I tried. I got out of the car and had to stop for a contraction. She brought a wheel chair right away. It was obvious I'd never made it otherwise at that point. I had my eyes closed for most of the rest of the process, so I wasn't even always sure who was around. But, I tried to imagine what people thought as they saw them wheel me down the hall. What a sight I must have been!

Andy asked the nurse if she was taking us to a room. When she told him she was taking us to triage, he said, quite forcefully, "We don't want to go to triage. We were stuck there for four hours this morning, and she's ready." The nurse promised not to keep us there for long. At 8:35 PM they examined me and found me to be 5 cm and 100% effaced. The nurses started buzzing with excitement. We were thrilled to have the same nurses that had been there that morning as well! Jodi and Jess were awesome. They quickly put me back in the wheel chair and took me to a room. They didn't even do all the check-in paperwork at that time. As we were going down the hall I heard Jodi tell someone, "She's 5 cm with broken waters!" A male voice (who I later found out was Dr. Barkley) responded, "Way to go, Amy!" (Amy is my first name.) I didn't even acknowledge him. Then, Jodi said in a bubbly voice, "We just love blood and pain around here." Ha!

Once in my room, I got straight in the bed, and Jess started to place the IV. It took her quite a while because she was trying to do it between contractions. At one point I remember her saying, "Don't move." right as a contraction was mounting. I thought, "Are you serious???" But, I didn't move my arm! I was pretty sure I was in transition at that point because the contractions were so intense and were lasting quite a while.

I had about three more contractions, and then had the strangest sensation. It was like I was involuntarily squeezing my abdominal muscles or something. I actually asked myself, "What was that? What are you doing?" So, when the next contraction came, I tried to make sure I was relaxed, but it happened again and was even stronger. So, with the next one I was going to try to modify my breathing, but it happened again. So, after the contraction I said, "I think I'm bearing down!" Jan said, "Well, you're going to have to stop, honey, because if you don't you're going to reverse everything you've worked so hard for!" (I read later that if you bear down before you're fully dilated, you will swell and then have to wait for the swelling to go down before you can push!) So, I said, quite forcefully, "I can't help it! Tell me what to do!" At that point another contraction came and in a failed attempt to keep from bearing down, I started shaking fiercely. Then I said, "Help me...HeLp Me...HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jan said, "OK, darling, let's see what's going on." She quickly examined me and said, "The reason you're bearing down, darling, is because you're baby's head is coming out! Don't fight it!!" Jodi looked at Andy and said, "Dad, you were almost doing this at home by yourself!!" I said, "Tell me what to do!!" Jan said, "Let's get you in a better position."

At that point the room started buzzing. Jan started giving orders, and I'm pretty sure several other staff members came in the room as well, because when I finally opened my eyes after Chayah was delivered there were at least five people I'd never seen. Jan quickly had me lay on my back and hold onto the backs of my knees. She rinsed me off with warm water so she would see what was happening. With each contraction she coached me to pull my knees towards my chest and push. I didn't expect to deliver in this position. It was the classic television delivery position. But, in that moment, it was happening so fast, I would have done anything she told me to do!

Pushing was a relief. It didn't hurt at all. It was invigorating!! Jan was an amazing coach. She told me everything I needed to do and when. She was so calm and gentle. Jodi was monitoring Chayah's heart rate, and at one point Jan said, "OK, sweetheart. I see you have your eyes closed, so I just want you to listen to my voice. Your baby's head is in the canal, and she doesn't want all that pressure on her head for too much longer. Her heart rate is dropping, and I know you don't want me to give you an episiotomy. So, with this next contraction, I want extra effort. I want you to hold back from bearing down until you absolutely can't stand it and then I want you to PUSH! You PUSH with all you've got, and then when you think you can't push anymore, you give me EXTRA effort!!" The contraction came. Thankfully, because I wasn't medicated, I was lucid enough to understand and feel exactly what I was supposed to do. I did what she said, and when it was over she said, "You've just delivered your baby's hair! Reach down and feel her!" I've heard how empowering it can be to feel your baby's head coming out, and it absolutely was!! I LOVED it!! It gave me the motivation I needed to keep going!!

In between contractions, Jan would put an ice cold towel over my "area". It was refreshing. She was also doing a perennial massage to help prevent tearing. Because Chayah's heart rate was dropping, she had Andy hold the oxygen mask over my mouth and nose. He was only supposed to hold it there between contractions, but he had no way of knowing when a contraction was starting, and I was pretty non-verbal at that point. So, when a contraction was starting, I would shake my head sharply to let him know, and he would pull the mask away. The first time I did that, Jan said, "It doesn't get much clearer than that, Dad!" Andy was so great. He just kept saying, "You're doing SO good baby. You're doing GREAT!"

I have no idea how many times I pushed or for how long. But, it only took a few more pushes until I got to experience that moment I've always dreamed of. At 9:12 PM, Chayah Joy came into the world. They laid her on my chest almost immediately! I didn't cry. I was more in awe--in awe of her and in awe of everything that had just happened. I certainly hadn't expected to go from 5 cm to fully delivered in just over 30 minutes! It was even more amazing than I had dreamed!! It was euphoric. Andy cut the cord right there on me, and a nurse suctioned quite a bit of fluid out of her while I held her. They observed her for Apgar scores right there on my chest--they never took her away. They didn't even check her weight or length until I had breast-fed for at least 30 minutes and Andy had skin to skin time with her. She was 5 lbs 12 oz, and 17 in long. I asked Jan if I tore, and she said, "A little, but that's better than a c-section!" It was a level two tear. Chayah just laid quietly on my chest while Jan did the repair.

At shift change, the next nurse to come in said she had heard how fast my delivery was. She said, "There were several women who delivered naturally last night, but I hear yours went the best!" (Apparently it was a busy night. The nurses credited hurricane Irene and the barometric pressure.) I have to give all credit to God. The prayer was that everything would line up just right. To His credit, Chayah was in the perfect position for a vaginal delivery. I went into labor spontaneously and "early", which meant she was smaller and the doctors weren't getting nervous because I was "late". My water broke late in the process. The staff on call wanted me to have the birth that I wanted and acted in complete support of my decisions. There were so many other factors that were just right--too many to name. I just want to thank God for the privilege of having a natural birth.

Nursing was completely natural. Chayah latched on right away, and we haven't had a single problem. She's made incredible gains with no supplements. In fact, she gained 10 oz in three days!! I had heard that babies born naturally (unmedicated), tend to nurse more readily. All I have to compare it to is the first time...I'd have to say I believe it's true. I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule, and I know it has something to do with the baby too, but in my experience the baby born naturally has done infinitely better all the way around.

I have also done better all the way around. Most of you know I had PPD (Postpartum Depression) after Beulah was born. I have been the complete opposite this time. I think there are a lot of factors that play into that (i.e. experience, Chayah's temperament, letting go of ideals and accepting things as they actually are, etc.), but I do believe having a natural birth has contributed as well. This may sound crazy, but I feel like my hormones have finally realigned and are now exactly where they should be--where they should have been all along. I feel like I'm returning to my old positive, confident self again!

I can't say all this without giving a HUGE "thank you" to my amazing friend Leslie. She is the main reason I had the courage to even try a natural birth. She made me feel like I could do it, and I am so grateful for her encouragement along the way.

I can't even begin to tell you the number of women who, upon hearing my plans to have a natural birth, said, "Well, you're a stronger woman than I am. I could never do that." If you're reading this and considering a natural birth, be encouraged. You CAN do it. I think one reason so many woman believe they can't is because we have the option now not to feel the "pain". We are afraid of pain. But remember, God is gracious, and He provides just what you need each step of the way. If you take the time to study exactly what happens in your body and the interplay between the baby's body and yours in a natural birth, you'll say what our birthing coach said, "You can't do what I do and not believe in God."

One last note. As I was laboring and telling myself that the discomfort I was feeling was a good thing because when it was over there would be a baby, this thought came to me--suffering brings life. It's true with the birth of a baby. It's true of difficult times in our lives that bring about a renewed understanding of God, ourselves, or the world around us. And it was true of the cross. Thank you, Jesus, for suffering so that I may have life!!

Being a Mother

When we were struggling with infertility, I wrote a blog post titled "Romanticized". It was a time, before children, when I realized pregnancy and parenthood wouldn't be as easy or romantic as I had built them up to be in my mind. Now, having been pregnant and a parent for two years, I can say that I had romanticized it even more than I knew.

I was 31 years old when I got pregnant and gave birth to Beulah. Before that, my schedule was wide open and completely flexible. I could hop in the car whenever I wanted. All I had to take with me was my keys, my cell phone, and my debit card and license in my back pocket. I could zip in and out of stores in no time at all. I could work out any time of day. I could meet someone for coffee or stop by a friend's house on a whim. I could write a blog post or read a book in a straight, two hour sitting. I could have devotional time whenever I wanted for as long as I wanted. I could take a long, relaxing shower or nap any time of day. I could fluff and fold a load of laundry while they were all still warm. I could cook a meal while listening to good music, a sermon, or watching T.V. I could clean and be confident it would stay clean until the guests had come and gone. I could eat what I wanted when I wanted. Andy and I could go out to dinner and have nice long chats. We could travel without too much fuss.

Having a child changed all that. Now, my schedule is determined by her schedule. Going to the store means taking a significant amount of time to get her ready (clean diaper, shoes, etc.), pack her diaper bag, get her in and out of the car and cart, keep her happy in the store, etc. Working out, devotional time, and showers compete for the early morning hours. Conversations with friends are disjointed and subject to interruption at any given moment. Blog writing is mostly non-existent. Our clothes are often wrinkled. Cooking is typically done with a toddler begging for my attention. "Cleaning" means one thing gets clean while another gets dirty. Dinners out can be chaotic and frazzled. Date nights are few and far between and require advanced arrangement for childcare. Traveling must be carefully planned and is rarely easy.

For a while, these life changes were very challenging and stress inducing for me. I admit that sometimes they still are. But, one day I realized that it didn't have to be.

I had just fluffed a load of laundry, and shortly after I began folding, Beulah began to demand my attention. I found myself getting angry at her because I needed to get the clothes folded before they got cold and wrinkled. Didn't she get that? I think I may have even tried, in desperation, to explain that to her. But, as I heard myself trying to convince my one year old of how important this was and I began to pay attention to the level of anxiety I was reaching, I realized how pointless it was. I thought--what does it matter if I walk away from the clothes for a few minutes, meet her needs, and then come back? Is this really worth all the anxiety I'm feeling and the tension I'm putting off on my child?

I started to notice my tendency towards anxiety throughout my day. It grieved me that I was sharing this anxiety with Beulah. I realized my "need" to complete a task once I've started it and my quick frustration when interrupted. I've often wondered if I had a harder time adjusting because it took us so long to have children and I got too comfortable with my life revolving around me. Whatever the reason, I didn't like it, and I knew it had to change.

I paraphrased a quote from St. Augustine that I started using anytime I felt anxiety creeping in. ""God give me the grace to do what you command and command what you will!" At this moment in my life, God has called me to be the mother of a young child, and I need His grace to be able to do that! Saying this to myself when the frustration started rising seemed to help!

Then I thought back through all the years I prayed to be a mom. I realized--I asked for this too. Moms are moms when it's easy and enjoyable just like they are when it's frustrating and hard. We don't get to pick and choose the moments we would like to be a mom and put them off on someone else when we'd rather not deal. When I look at it like this, I can find beauty in teaching my children to walk in the ways of the Lord, even when it's difficult. I can find joy in being the one they run to when they're sick or hurt. I can find comfort in knowing that their little lives are far more important than any task I might leave undone.

So, now, when I find myself frustrated or impatient because Beulah's pace isn't quite as purposeful as mine, or she takes her shoes off in the car when we're already late, or her naps are short and interrupt my quiet time, or she wakes up sick in the middle of the night saying, "I want cuddle", I tell myself--This is part of it. This is part of being a mom, and this is what I wanted. Oddly, it brings me peace and slows me down to a pace where I can love my daughter and appreciate where she is in life and development. When I truly consider that, my patience multiplies exponentially.

Today is Mother's Day. I am missing the Mother's Day breakfast and sermon at church this morning because I'm at home with my sick baby girl. Even so, I feel incredibly blessed, because being here means that I am somebody's mama. Thank you, Lord!!



One of my favorite books is A Mother's Heart by Jean Fleming. I want to share a couple of gems from that book.

"...the Christian example of love is best illustrated by the Supreme Example of love...[Christ] limited Himself for our sakes...He was not only a servant; He was also a sacrifice...Jesus did not focus His mind and efforts on Himself. Instead, He emptied Himself of all privileges and rights. Christian mothers must pattern their lives after His example--the supreme example of the loving servant...The world urges us, 'Assert yourself,' 'Fulfill yourself,' 'Liberate yourself,' 'Please yourself,' Satisfy yourself.' But Jesus says, 'Die to yourself.'"

John 12:24-25 "I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in the world will keep it for eternal life."

John 15:12-13 "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

1 Corinthians 13, paraphrased by Jean Fleming.
*"If I keep my house immaculately clean, and am envied by all for my interior decorating, but do not show love in my family--I'm just another housewife.
*If I'm always producing lovely things--sewing, art; if I always look attractive, and speak intelligently, but am not loving to my family--I am nothing.
*If I'm busy in community affairs, teach Sunday school, an drive in the carpool, but fail to give adequate love to my family--I gain nothing.
*Love changes diapers, cleans up messes, and ties shoes--over and over again.
*Love is kind, though tired and frazzled.
*Love doesn't envy another wife--one whose children are "spaced" better, or in school so she has time to pursue her own interests.
*Love doesn't try to impress others with my abilities or knowledge as a mother.
*Love doesn't scream at the kids.
*Love doesn't feel cheated because I didn't get to do what I wanted to do today--sew, read, soak in a hot tub.
*Love doesn't lose my temper easily.
*Love doesn't assume that my children are being naughty just because their noise level is irritating.
*Love doesn't rejoice when other people's children misbehave and make mine look good. Love is genuinely happy when others are honored by their children."

I Want To Die

In my last post I shared some of the ugly sins God is uprooting in my heart. On top of all of those, God has exposed a twisted root system so deep and dark, it wraps around the core of my being and tries to choke out the light inside. There should be an equivalent to AA for people with my "condition". It should be called "People Pleaser's Anonymous".

...

I had had a great day. That morning I had the opportunity to walk, talk, and pray with a dear friend going through a difficult time. Soon after she left, I got a phone call from a friend with a question about the Bible. We had a great, long chat in which we discussed the Word and praised God together! Shortly after, I put Beulah down for a nap and had the opportunity to send an encouraging e-mail to a friend who was struggling. And then Andy called to see how my day was.

I found myself telling him what a horrible day it had been. I told him that the first friend didn't leave till lunch, then I got the phone call, then... As I'm telling him this and hearing the tone in my voice, I'm asking myself, "Why are you telling him it's been a bad day? It's been a GREAT day! You've had the opportunity to talk about the LORD with three different women this morning and you're saying it's been a bad day?!!"

After some thought and prayer, I realized my reason for reacting the way I did. In my mind, Andy wanted to hear me tell him about all the things I had gotten done around the house so far that day. But, I hadn't gotten anything done, so I felt the need to make excuses. At the root, I wanted to please Andy, and I thought cleaning was what would please him. So, when he called, I reacted in defense of the imaginary expectations I thought he had placed on me (but I had really placed them on myself). I found myself pointing out all the things I had gotten done in hopes of overshadowing the things I hadn't done.

The Counselor (the Holy Spirit) showed me that I had been acting this way ever since I stopped working outside the home and began my job as "stay-at-home-mom". I assumed I knew what Andy expected of me, and it was all about cooking and cleaning. So, when I didn't get those things done, I became grumpy and defensive with him. The only days that were "good" days were ones where I had been productive in our home. It made me so sad to think of the many many times Andy called to see how my day was going and I answered negatively. I realized what a burden this must have been to him, how it must have effected his days, and I wondered why he kept calling! God has blessed me with a patient and loving husband!

As I began to process how my desire to please Andy affected my behavior, God opened my eyes to my unconscious goal to please everyone--to be liked and accepted by everyone. He walked me back through my life and showed me examples of times that I bowed to the idol of others rather than to Him. Throughout my life, I've done whatever I thought people might like in order to gain their approval. When I was 17, that meant drinking and smoking, among other things. (Peer pressure is rooted in people pleasing.) To illustrate my point, I was voted "Best Personality" of my senior class. I also tied with another girl for "Friendliest". ...whatever it took to be liked! After college, my plan was to be a professional dancer. God knew that my deepest desire was to be well known and well liked, so He thwarted my plans by allowing me to break my neck. (Dang, I must have been stubborn!) He protected me from a lifelong pursuit of vain glory!

As an adult, people pleasing has meant being "that friend"...you know, the best friend everybody had. The friend that paid attention to their wants and needs and fulfilled them better than anyone else--the one that said just the right thing to change your life and move you closer to the Lord. My desire to be liked was so great that I would get physically ill if someone was upset with me. I literally couldn't function until I made things right.

As He walked me through my life and revealed the manifestations of my sin, He gave me a vision; I saw it in my mind, not with my eyes. I looked down and could see inside myself. I could see thick, black, gnarly roots twisting into knots around the organs in my abdomen. It was incredibly dark inside, but there was also a great light underneath, where my heart is. Unfortunately, the ugly root system was hiding the light.

I felt overwhelmed by this vision. When I shared it with Andy, I said desperately, "I don't know how to get it out! How do I get it out??!!" I knew it was something I couldn't do alone.

A week or so later was the Eternal women's retreat. The topic just so happened to be "Surrender". We worshipped, talked, and prayed about what things in our lives we needed to surrender to the LORD. As we worshipped on the first night, God showed me that I needed to surrender my people pleasing personality. I wondered who I would be without it. People pleasing has been the core of who I am! Would people like me if I wasn't constantly trying to make them like me? But, then I thought (and I'm not proud of this thought) "hummm...if I surrender my people pleasing personality, then I'll be perfect and everyone will think I'm the best!" I thought, "I'll surrender this, then when I tell everyone what God has done in my life, they'll look at ME and see ME as some highly spiritual person and admire me!" Yikes...and I say again, YIKES.

Instantly, God began to show me how I had been using Him for MY glory. In the past, when I shared what God had done in my life, I had done it in such a prideful way, thinking, "Look at me! Look how spiritual I am!" People pleasing is rooted in pride. I had actually felt proud that people might see me that way. Then God said, "You have been trying to share in MY glory, and it's time to stop. What I do for you should point to ME, not you. It's not about you."

I was so heartbroken by my sin that I sat down while everyone else was standing and began to pray. I asked God to forgive me, and told Him I wanted to die. I felt so much shame in that moment, that all I could say was, "God, kill me! Kill the flesh in me and fill me so full of YOU that there is none of me left. And, then, God, don't even let me be aware that you've done it, because if I'm aware, I'll be prideful and want others to see how great I am!"

I had another vision. I looked down and saw inside myself again. This time, the gnarly roots began to retreat. As they loosened their grip on my core, the light inside got a little brighter and began to overtake the darkness.

Then God spoke through Anita, who was leading the retreat, and reminded me that He had already died for ALL my sins; past, present; and future...including this one! Allowing this sin to remain in my life is like saying that what Christ did on the cross was not enough.

The Spirit brought the verses that I just so happened to be memorizing to my mind.
*Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. The life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."
*2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."

I realized that my flesh, the one I asked God to kill, was already dead! I had been crucified with Christ on the cross! But, if that's true, why do I still deal with sin? Within the week, God led me to an article in the May 2010 edition of Tabletalk Magazine. The article titled Being and Becoming, points out that before Christ, we are slaves to sin. But, upon coming to faith in Christ, we are no longer in bondage to sin. Sin was once our master, but now Christ is our LORD. He has overcome sin and the wages of sin, death. Praise Jesus! W. Duncan Rankin says, "...now [we are] able to believe, to repent, to love God, to love God's people, and to love a world in need of a Savior. Now we are able to hunger and thirst for God. Now we are able to loathe sin and fight against it. And fight we must!" He goes on to say, "We fight sin because we love God and want to bring Him glory. But this is not a lonely struggle of our flesh against all the demons that plague us. Rather, it is a deliberate and conscious battling against sin in our lives, but always in union with Christ (Romans 8:13-18). We do not fight alone or even merely in our own strength. Instead, we are one by faith and by the Spirit with our Savior and Head. And so by His grace and strength, we are able to engage in this battle against sin, using all the tools He has provided, because He Himself also fights for us...It is not automatic but something that requires our positive effort...we must therefore strain every nerve to kill the sins that plague us so (Romans 8:13; Colossians 3:5)."

I had another vision. I saw two of me, one inside the other. One of me was actually dead, zombie-like. She was corroded and shriveled with grayish skin, course and brittle hair. She represented my flesh, the one who died when Christ came into my life. The other me was radiant. She glowed with light and radiated love. I named the zombie inside "Gloria", because she was always seeking my glory. She wanted to be praised by others, even if that meant stealing glory from God.

Suddenly, in my vision, Gloria was no longer in me. Now we were standing face to face, and she was u.g.l.y. I hated her. I knew she had no place in me, so I told her she was no longer welcome; she could no longer steal glory from God. In my attempt to put her to rest for good, I (in the power at work within me) chained my zombie in her grave where she belongs. I committed to not give her power in my life anymore, and asked God to make me aware when the chains are loosed and Gloria begins to have influence in my life again. I asked God to help me see her coming and give me the strength to fight her. I pictured myself punching her in the face and chaining her to the ground once again. I committed to the fight.

Then I had another vision. I looked down and saw inside myself once again. This time, the gnarly roots retreated completely and released their grip on me. Like a tree in the dirt, I saw the roots being drug down my right leg and out of my right foot until they were completely gone and my body was filled with light! Glory Hallelujah!!

John 12:24 "I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But, if it dies, it produces many seeds."

...

So, how does my life look different without Gloria (not saying I won't have to fight her anymore)? Honestly, you may not see a difference. The difference is in the stature of my heart. The difference is in how I respond to criticism from others and in who I aim to please. When I'm not worried about whether others will like me, I am free to do what the LORD wants me to do regardless of how they respond. Because, let's be honest, sometimes the LORD asks us to do things that we know others won't like. And, living a Christian life should mean that we look starkly different than the world. People pleasers don't want to be different, they just want to fit in. Without this concern, His power is unleashed within me to affect the world for His glory, not my own.

From the lyrics of a song, "It all comes down to just one thing, knowing Him and making Him known."

Hello, my name is Michelle, and I'm a recovering People Pleaser. All glory to God.

From A Heart of Stone to A Heart of Flesh

I've been reading a lot of Christian parenting books lately, and one particular truth has taken root in my heart. When we live with unconfessed sin, our heart hardens. As I'm learning how this takes place in a child's heart when parents don't lead their children to repentance (and ultimately reliance on God for help in avoiding sin), I'm realizing how this has happened in my life.

I will say upfront that I am incredibly ashamed by most of what you will read here. It's amazing how blind we can be to our own sin, all the while thinking that we're doing OK. But, I am thankful for a LIVING God who is constantly moving in my life to make me more and more like Him. In His power, we can strive to "put off the old self...to be made new in the attitude of our minds." (Ephesians 4:22-23)

...

This past year, on our anniversary, Andy did the most beautiful thing. He asked me to tell him three ways that he could love me better in the coming year. After a couple of days, I came to him with my three things. But, of course, I couldn't walk away without asking him to give me three things as well. I mean, it just didn't seem fair for him to be working on loving me better without me doing the same, right? Through the course of our conversations, I realized how much I had been relishing my role as mother, but ignoring my role as wife. In addition to that, I had equated being a wife with cooking and cleaning, rather than just being a friend, a helper, and a lover to my husband.

I had read and heard about how difficult intimacy can be for a new mom, considering she gets much of her needed "skin time" satisfied by the baby. But, nothing I read really gave me the push I needed to get me past that and move into action. So, we decided to read A Celebration of Sex by Douglas E. Rosenau together. We prayed before we began reading, and halfway through the introduction, our eyes were opened and the first root of our problem was revealed.

Side Note: I want to pause the story here to point out the role that the Holy Spirit, the Counselor (John 14:16&26, 15:26, 16:7), played in all of this. I have been in awe of Him throughout this whole process. And, while human counselors are often necessary for couples to sort through struggles together, I can't imagine a human could have dug into our hearts as deep as He has to reveal the roots that got us to where we are. I am eternally grateful that God does not leave us alone! He gave us the Spirit to mold us and shape us into His likeness, and as a result, we can experience the fullness of life and marriage that He desires for us!! Praise God!!

Resume Story: We traced our problems all the way back to our first year of marriage. During premarital counseling, we took the Myers Briggs personality test. We discovered (as if you couldn't tell after spending 5 minutes with us) that I was an extreme extrovert and Andy was an extreme introvert. I also tend to make decisions based on feelings, while Andy is more logical, a "thinker". When we dated, we loved these things about each other! It is true in our case, opposites did attract!

Recently, a couple shared with us that their premarital counselor asked them to write down five things that they loved about their future spouse. Once finished, they were to exchange the lists. After they read over the five things their partner loved about them, the counselor told them that these were the five things that their spouse would hate about them in five years! Sounds harsh, right? But, it's an interesting thought, because looking back, I can see how Andy and I have tried to change the things that made us different and make each other more like ourselves! For example, I didn't like how quiet and serious he was in groups. I thought he should be more outgoing. At the same time, he was easily embarrassed by my pursuit for attention (because it put him in the spotlight as well), and wished I was more quiet and reserved.

To complicate matters, the Counselor has also showed me how much of a people pleaser I am (more on this in a future post). Looking back, when I realized that I had the potential to embarrass Andy in public, in my attempt to please him, I began to sever the bubbly, outgoing side of myself. And, overtime I forgot who I was. In fact, after we had been married for four years, I took the Myers Briggs test again and scored dead in the middle of extrovert and introvert, and dead in the middle of "feeler" and "thinker". I had become my husband, and I resented him for that.

I liked who I was before marriage. I was confident, independent, fun, funny, charismatic. I felt like he had taken that from me. As a result, I grew to believe that he didn't like me. I never doubted that he loved me, but I was pretty sure he didn't like me. I started believing lies in my head. When he would compliment me, I would say to myself, "yeah right! He doesn't mean that!" Looking back, I am amazed at how many negative thoughts were running through my mind without my notice. And, even though they were unconscious lies, I was believing them and they began to effect our intimacy. It's hard to be "naked and unashamed" with someone you think may not like you.

I was also constantly defensive and harsh in my tone towards him. We had recognized this problem around the time Beulah was born, but I didn't know the source of it or how to change it. I didn't want my children to hear me speak to their father that way, but at the same time, I wasn't remorseful about my disrespect towards him.

We also discovered another problem. Throughout the course of our marriage, I had become lazy and incompetent in housekeeping (more on this in a future post as well). Andy loves to cook and is infinitely better at it than I am. For a while, I was busy with school, so he took on this task for our family. We were both content with that. But, I also found that if I had the slightest problem getting anything done around the house, if I complained about it a little, he would do it for me! So, overtime, he had taken over most of the care for the house. I remember bragging, "Oh yeah, he's the cook, the green thumb, he's a fantastic ironer, he..." With a laugh, I would tell people that I wasn't sure how I contributed to the household, other than through my income each month!

So, there we were. God had opened our eyes to the roots of our problems. But, we didn't know what to do with it. We thought the answer was for me to get back to who I was, to who God created me to be. But, how do I do that? The mountain we faced seemed insurmountable. But, then God reminded me that nothing happens that didn't pass through His hands first. He knew this was going to happen, and He used it to make me who I am today, who He wants me to be.

So...if I don't need to get back to who I once was, how do we get past this? The answer seemed obvious. I needed to learn to trust in Andy's love for me again. I had to begin to pay attention to the negative thoughts passing through my head, take them captive (2 Corinthians 10:5), and replace the lies with truth!

We committed to prayer and open communication. Recognizing the lies and replacing them with truth seemed to help a little. It gave us a reprieve from the heaviness we had been feeling. I began to see that Andy truly did love me, and even believed that he liked me! But, there was still something standing between us, and it wasn't until I read an excerpt from a fabulous book, Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney, that I realized what it was. In the book Mahaney quotes a woman who had been grievously sinned against by her mom and the men that her mom kept company with when she was a child. She faced quite a hurdle in forgiving them. But, she wrote, "He showed me Calvary once more....I saw the horror of my sin, nailing the Son of God to the miserable cross, torturing Him, mocking Him, spitting on Him. Yet He had forgiven me freely. No one had committed such atrocities against me. How could I do anything less than forgive?"


After I read that, I closed the book. I realized I had never felt the gravity of my sin the way she described. I had never once thought of my sins against God as any greater than (or even equal to!) the ones that had been committed against me. I knew instantly that that wasn't right. I began praying that God would help me to see my sin clearly and even feel the weight of it.

Over the next couple of days, God showed me that I had never truly grieved any sin I had committed. I began to realize that throughout my whole life, I had justified every single sin I had ever committed. I was never afraid to admit that I had sinned, and I could even name the sin...but, I could also tell you whose fault it was that I sinned. "I did ___________ because he did __________." If I wasn't blaming a person, I was blaming society or our culture...or even God for making me this way!!! I was never simply wrong; I always had a reason. Ohhhhh, the ugly pride is deep and rampant!!

I was grieved by this. I was embarrassed before God and could clearly see for the first time how my hideous sins had nailed Him to the cross. I stood in awe of the fact that He could love me that much. Why oh why would He do that?

Then, I walked back through all the issues that had come up with Andy and I. And I started to see all the ways I had blamed him for my neglect, laziness, coldness, disrespect, bitterness, etc.
1. I had been angry at him because I often felt shy, insecure and awkward in groups, when I used to be fun, confident and outgoing. Now I could see that it was MY choice to respond that way. When I realized my extroverted-ness made him uncomfortable, I should have prayed and asked God what of this was legitimate and needed to be sanctified in me, and what of this was Andy's issues that needed to be sanctified in him. Instead, I became the extreme opposite in an attempt to please Andy and left God out of the whole thing.
2. I blamed my laziness on Andy by saying that he enabled me. He wouldn't let me carry heavy things. He didn't want me to do anything if I was tired or uncomfortable, so he did everything for me. Seriously? Can I really blame my laziness on HIM? No!! I was manipulating him! He wasn't sinning, I was! He was only trying to love and serve me, and I took advantage of that! Disgusting!
3. Rather than simply admitting that my lack of love, respect, and affection was sinful, I wanted to blame him for not "liking" me, which was never true to begin with!

When I started owning up to my sin and stopped blaming Andy, I could see clearly how we had gotten to where we were. It was humbling (humiliating, even), to say the least. As I justified my sin through the years, my heart grew harder and harder. But, now that I was facing my sin for the first time, my heart of stone began to melt into a heart of flesh.

Ezekiel 11:19-20 "I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. Then they will follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people and I will be their God."

My next step was to seek my husband's forgiveness. I wrote him a letter confessing the sins that God had shown me. And, as he always is, my husband was gracious. Praise God. As I told him in the letter, he is "tried and true"! He has loved me through it all, and I am humbled by his love for me. Andy has admitted to his own contributing sins along the way, but I'm not here to confess his sins.

We are still on the path to recovery. God is redeeming our marriage! We've joked about how we've always believed (and still believe) that we have a good marriage...if this is good, what does bad look like?! The other night we laid on opposite ends of the couch giving each other foot massages and laughing till I had tears. It was so nice!

I have a purpose for sharing these ugly and embarrassing things about myself. I hope that if you could identify with me in any way, that reading this might bring to the surface anything lurking beneath that has the potential to destroy you. I urge you to pay attention to the thoughts in your head and be aware of patterns in your marriage...patterns in the way you interact with one another (tone of voice, intimacy, ect.), and don't ignore them. Seek (through prayer and Scripture) to uncover the root of the problem, and commit to striving (with the help of the Holy Spirit) to uproot the yuck in your life. If you need to, seek a Christian counselor who is trained to dig deep, and don't resist.

I also urge you to stop blaming others for you sins. See it for what it is. Even if someone sins against you, you have a choice in how you respond. You spiral down into a viscous cycle when you respond to sin with sin. Be aware, and truly grieve your sins.

Matthew 5:3 "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

And, please pray for us as we seek the Lord's healing in our marriage. I desire to remain humble and fruitful. I am working towards being the wife and homemaker that God has called me to be. My husband is fully supportive of that. :) (Poor guy!)

Psalm 51:10 "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."

Long Time No Blog

So, it's been a few months since I've published a blog post. There are several reasons for my absence.
1. I have been trying to focus on and grow in my role as a wife, mother, and home maker.
2. God has been teaching me A LOT about myself, my family, my new "job" as stay-at-home-mom, and Himself.
3. Our computer's memory got full (*insert sarcasm* Geeze, wonder how that happened?), which slowed everything down and it became a hassle to do anything!

I have written so many drafts over the past couple of months, but feel sure that the focus of so many of them will change in light of what I've been learning. I am so eager to share! However, I am wary of taking time away from my responsibilities at home. So, if you will, please pray with me that I'll be able to find the time to share what God has been teaching me with you without neglecting my devotional and prayer time, my family, my home, and my friends. Love y'all, and have missed you!!

Prayers for Our Children

"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

Watch this amateur video involving wild lions and buffalo. Don't worry, it is not grotesque. And, don't lose heart half-way through (like I did). The end will amaze you and hopefully speak to you like it did me.



The last time we went to Barnes & Noble, I stood in the teen section for a few minutes and looked over the titles and covers of the books promoted specifically to teens. My heart sunk. I wanted to cry. Satan's trickery and cunning ways were so clear to me in that moment. He goes after the young and weak. He comes at them from all sides and sets them (us) on a trajectory of devastation that only Jesus can thwart. But, we must be like the Buffalo. We can not stand for it! We must join together with our believing family and friends (Matthew 18:20), get on our knees, and FIGHT!!

As parents, it is our job to protect our young. We can control their environment to a certain degree, but we will never be able to shelter them from the full scope and consequences of the Fall. We have to rely on One greater than us; One who loves our children more than we do. And, so, we lift them up in prayer. John Piper says, "We pray to acknowledge our helplessness and God's omnipotence."

Of course, prayer alone is not sufficient. As parents we must teach our children to view the world through the lens of the gospel. With a gospel world view, our children will be equipped to fight with a sword in their hand. (For more on that, read Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp.) We are, however, called to prayer on behalf of our loved ones. 1 Timothy 2:1, James 5:16

Ephesians 6:10-18
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Lately, I have been faced with the reality that I need to have more focused prayer times. As I write this, I speak not as one who has done it right from the start, but as one who will strive (with God's help) to intentionally lift my child(ren) up in prayer daily. We love Beulah more than anyone else (besides God). If we don't regularly lift her up in prayer, fighting the spiritual forces that hate her and want to drag her away from all that is good, no one else will. I want our prayers for her to be more proactive rather than reactive.

What should I pray? I will pray scripture. I will pray for her the way Paul prayed for and admonished the Church--those he loved and led spiritually. Here are some examples.
Ephesians 1:17-19
Ephesians 3:16-21
Philippians 1:9-11
Colossians 1:9-12
Philemon 6
2 Thesslonians 1:11-12
1 Corinthians 13
Colossians 3: 12-17
Galatians 5:22-26

I've considered choosing one passage a month and praying those verses for her daily, along with some of the prayers below, many of which were inspired by what I've seen in The Case for Kids by Paul David Tripp and Tedd Tripp.

I pray that Beulah will...
*see that God is worthy to be praised above all else (Isaiah 46:9-11).
*have a hunger for the Word and meditate on it day and night (Joshua 1:8).
*love the Lord our God with all her heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12;30).
*be compelled to love others (her neighbors) because of God's love and sacrifice for her (2 Corinthians 5:14).
*live knowing that her worth and her value rest in Christ. Her peace, joy and identity do not come from how others feel about her, a job, material possessions, etc. When life proves difficult, her foundation will not be rocked because she is grounded in Christ, not things or people.
*realize that she can't earn God's love and favor. It is a gift of grace given to her from the foundation of the world, before she was even born (Psalm 139:13-16).
*live to love and serve Him for the praise of His glory, not her own (Ephesians 1:12).
*face life's challenges with a gospel world-view, causing her to respond in a manner that glorifies the LORD.
*look to Jesus, her Redeemer, when she needs supernatural help to do His will.
*be aware that she has an enemy (the devil), but know that God is greater (1 John 4:4).
*trust in God's sovereignty.
*use her God given gifts to edify the Body of Christ (1 Corinthians 14:12).
*view authority (God's, ours, her future spouse-whom we pray for now, etc.) as a blessing and protection.

From A Mother’s Heart by Jean Fleming
"As I feed the children, I pray God will nourish their souls; as I bathe them I pray they will experience the spiritual cleansing Christ provides; as I dress them I pray they will be clothed in righteousness."

What are some specific verses or prayers that you pray for your children? Please share!

10 Things I've Learned About God From Being A Mom

During a birthing class, the labor and delivery nurse once said that she didn't understand how anyone could do what she does and not believe in God. I will also say that I don't understand how anyone could parent a child through their first year of life and not be utterly in awe of the undeniable Creator that is our God! Watching Beulah develop has strengthened my faith. The fact that she can do things one day that she couldn't do the day before, things I know I didn't teach her, is absolutely remarkable!! And, while babies generally develop in similar ways, God is creative enough to bless each of us with unique features, personalities and gifts that distinguish us from those around us. There is none like Him! He is worthy of our praise!!

As parents, we can relate to God, our Father. As a mom, I am in a position of authority over my daughter. God is my authority, my Father. I am His child. So, as I care for Beulah, I can't help but see connections. While His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts (Isaiah 55:9), now that I'm a mom, I can understand Him in a new way. For that I am very grateful.

Here are just a few of the things I've learned about God from being a mom.

*TRUTH--God loves us...A LOT!
Scenario: The most anger I've ever felt towards God was when I watched Beulah suffer when she was a newborn. Her gas was so painful, and I felt like God was unjust for letting this helpless child suffer constantly. If you've ever seen your child in any kind of pain, you know how deeply you are moved by it and how intense your desire is to stop it.
*What must God has felt when Jesus, His only Son, was suffering and dying on the cross? Oh, how He must have wanted to stop the pain! I can't even begin to imagine! But, He didn't stop His suffering. Why? Because He loved you and me so much and wanted to be with us. No wonder He turned His face away. What parent could watch that? But, He knew it had to happen. "Thank you" will never be enough! I owe my life to Him.

*TRUTH--His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts (Isaiah 55:9).
Scenario: Before Beulah weaned from breast-feeding, I would nurse her in my bed as soon as she woke up. When she finished nursing, we'd play on the bed for a while before we got the day started. After she learned to crawl, she'd crawl dangerously close to the edge of the bed, not understanding the danger she was putting herself in. She was especially adamant about going off the side of the bed if there was something on the floor that she wanted. I would often have to grab her ankle and pull her back to keep her from falling off. Of course, this frustrated her because all she knew was that there was something down there she wanted and I was keeping her from it. As her mom, I have lived long enough and have enough experience to know that I need to protect her from the pain that is inevitable from falling off the bed.
*God holds eternity in His hands. He can see from the beginning of time to the end (Revelation 22:13). He doesn't just have experience in the world, He created the world (Genesis 1:1). So, if He grabs my ankle and pulls me back from something I'm going after, I can trust that He has a reason. Loving someone doesn't always mean giving them what they want. Sometimes loving someone means keeping them from what they want. He protects those He loves from danger (Psalm 91). And, while I may pitch a fit because I can't see the big picture like God can, I can rest assured that He has my best interest at heart (Jeremiah 29:11).

*TRUTH--God's timing is perfect. We can trust His reasons for making us wait.
Scenario: When car seats are facing back and babies don't yet get object permanence, it's no surprise that they cry. But, when Mama is in the driver's seat heading down the road, there's not much she can do to sooth her crying baby. Does that mean she doesn't love her baby because she's not rushing to her? Of course not! It's because she loves her that she keeps her in the car-seat where it's safe.
*Sometimes we cry out to God and He doesn't answer. Since we don't understand the silence, we're often quick to say that He isn't there or doesn't care. But, the fact is, He knows and wants what's best for us; we are His beloved children. It's because He loves us that He makes us wait. We never know what He might want to teach us or protect us from. Six years of infertility taught me that. If you're in the car seat and God is driving the car, you can trust that He loves you and will come to you at just the right time.

*TRUTH--Painful and uncomfortable experiences make us better.
Scenario: One of the worst tasks for a new mom is to have to suction her stuffy newborn's nose. When my tiny one month old couldn't breath, there I stood, bulb in hand, trying to get up the courage to stick the bulb tip up her tiny nostril, all while she was jerking her head around to get away from me. Hearing her cry was hard for me anyway, so doing something that was causing her to cry made it even worse! But, I was determined; I knew it had to be done. Suctioning her nose was going to make her feel better in the end.
*When God allows us to face painful or uncomfortable experiences it's because He knows it will help us. He uses these times of suffering to teach us more about ourselves, the world around us, and ultimately, Himself. Because of His deep love for us, it can't be easy for Him to watch, but He knows it will make us better in the end. Our suffering is always purposeful. Had I not suffered through infertility, I would not know God like I do now. I am so thankful that He loved me enough to allow me to suffer.

*TRUTH--God is near. He will never leave me or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6).
Scenario: After months of not exercising, I have finally started going back to the Y. While I'm there I have to put Beulah in the Child Watch. For a while, that was the worst part of my day, because she would start to scream when I dropped her off and would often be crying when I picked her up. (There's a lot I could say on this topic, but this is not the time!) I knew she was terrified that the one she trusted had left her, and that broke my heart! I wanted to reason with her that I needed this time and would only be gone a few minutes. I wanted to tell her that she didn't need to worry, that I would always come back.
*God has promised that He will be with us to the very end of the age (Matthew 28:20). Just because Beulah can't see me doesn't mean I'm not there. And, just because we can't feel God at times doesn't mean He's not there. We can stand on His promise that He will never leave us or forsake us, and live in confidence instead of fear.

*TRUTH--All He wants is to be close to us.
Scenario: Beulah is a very active baby. She's not much of a cuddler. But, I crave those moments when she slows down and relaxes in my arms. In those moments, I sit very still for fear that I might cause her to stir and be on her way again. Her sweet hugs and kisses light up my heart. To receive that kind of assurance from my child, assurance that she loves me and enjoys being with me, fills me up.
*While He doesn't need assurance from us, God desires that kind of affection/worship. In fact, He loves us so much that He died so that He could be with us! When we're not near Him, we should have separation anxiety the way an infant does when she's separated from her mom. We should feel very alone and afraid when we aren't walking with the One we know we can trust.

*TRUTH--When we whine, it's annoying.
Scenario: Seriously? Do I need to say more?
*Philippians 2:14

*TRUTH--God loves us even when we hurt Him.
Scenario: One night Beulah had a hyper spell before bedtime. In an attempt to get her energy out, we were playing with her. She was going back and forth between the two of us, and we would flip her upside down or tickle her, etc. In this 15-20 minute crazy spell, she was scratching, pinching and biting us, pulling our hair, etc. We knew she didn't know that she was hurting us, and we didn't love her any less because of it.
* Jesus loved us so much that He died for us even when we condemned Him (Romans 5:8). He knew we didn't know what we were doing (Luke 23:34).

*TRUTH--God knows what we need before we ask.
Scenario: As a parent, you know what your child's basic needs are, and it is your job to meet those needs. I know when Beulah is going to get hungry, so I begin preparing her food ahead of time so that it will be ready when she is ready for it. When she was an infant, most of the time I would have already started the food prep before she started crying for it. She didn't know I was one step ahead of her.
*Our Father knows what we need before we ask. He tells us we don't have to worry, because He WILL provide for us (Matthew 6:25-34).

*TRUTH--God knows and wants what's best for us.
Scenario: Beulah goes through phases where she doesn't want to eat what I have prepared for her. I know that fruits and veggies should be a solid part of her diet, but she would rather have cereal, yogurt bites, tater tots, etc. Thus, a battle of the wills ensues. Since I know the fruits and veggies are healthier for her, and I want to establish a healthy appetite in her, I am not willing to simply give her what she wants for every meal. I have resolved to deal with the fussing in order to promote her health.
*We often fight what's good for us because it's not as appealing as what's bad for us. But, our Creator/Father knows what's best for us. He wants us to live in spiritual health; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (The Fruit of the Spirit, Galatians 5:22-23). So, if He engages us in a battle of the wills, we would be wise to submit sooner rather than later.

What are some things you've learned about God from parenting your child?

Crazy? I Was Crazy Once.

A year has passed since Beulah was born. As I reflect on my time as a mother, one thought comes to mind; I was CRAZY!! I haven't talked about my PPD (postpartum depression) here since I confessed my need for medication. It has been a process. There have been ups and downs. But, I want to praise the LORD today that I am Zoloft free!!

When Andy married me, I think he thought he had it easy. No one, including me, could tell a difference in my moods when I had PMS. I never had cramps. My periods were light and short, and I was always bubbly and positive. All that changed the day Beulah was born. We have several ways of referring to the period of time (Beulah's first 8-10 months) that PPD ruled. Andy is a good and sweet husband and kindly refers to it as the time when I was in a "fog". I just say, "I was crazy!"

When I was in the fog, I didn't realize how crazy I was. I thought everyone else was crazy. But, coming out of it and looking back, I see that I was, in fact...crazy!

This weekend on our way home from Atlanta, we decided to stop at the outlet mall in Commerce for a while. We had a great time walking around with Mike & Ria, wandering in and out of shops, and enjoying the beautiful weather. Beulah took a short nap on Andy in the Baby Bjorn, I fed her in the car, and Ria & I played peek-a-boo and other games with her on the way home. At one point she started to get fussy, and I didn't know what she needed. I felt myself get the tiniest bit anxious, and then I remembered. I remembered what I was like before...when I was crazy. I played the whole scenario in my head and allowed myself to image what my reaction would have been like if I were still in my fog.

My PPD manifested itself in several different ways; ways that mimic a combination of other disorders. The most overt manifestation was my obsession with numbers. The hospital asks you to keep records of food intake and diaper output while you're in the hospital. Pediatricians don't require you to continue record keeping once released, but I did anyway. That was one early clue that something was wrong. But, it seemed right to me. While I couldn't control HER and I couldn't force her to eat or go to the bathroom, I could control the numbers on the paper.

I have always been a slave to the clock, but when my PPD was at it's worst, I could not deviate from my self-imposed schedule even one minute or the anxiety would take over and that would lead to anger. I also obsessed about the amount of food she took in. As you may remember, I kept a rented hospital scale at our house for a month or longer. I weighed Beulah (naked, no-less) before and after every breast feeding, and whatever she didn't get from me, I supplemented with formula. I was terrified about not knowing how much she took in while nursing, and I did not trust my instincts. But, I trusted the numbers. And, poor Andy, if he made a bottle and didn't put in perfectly level scoops of formula, he was going to hear about it. It was even worse if he was pouring breast-milk into a bottle and didn't get every last drop of that "liquid gold" into the bottle she would drink! Poor guy couldn't do anything right in my eyes during that time. (More on that later.)

I also had to put Beulah down for naps on time or I would implode. If I needed to go out for any reason during the day, I would get every single little thing we might need while we were out ready while she was asleep, and when she woke up it was go time. If she woke up before I was finished getting ready...well, how many times can I say "anxiety" in one post? If we were out and it was getting close to time for her to go back down, the anxiety would start to rise, I would start rushing, Beulah would start to sense my anxiety and start fussing, then we would just feed off each other creating this vicious cycle. (I managed to get "anxiety" in that sentence two more times! Woo hoo!) It was all about the clock. And, again, I refer to him as "poor Andy", but if he made the slightest sound within Beulah's ear shot while she was sleeping, he saw my eyes turn red with anger.

The Zoloft definitely helped. I could feel myself start to relax a few short days after I started taking it. My doctor wisely recommended that I stay on the medication during the holidays, as they tend to be stressful. So, in January I started to wean. A lot of my old symptoms resurfaced in January. In February, the symptoms were present during ovulation when the hormones shift drastically. In March, the symptoms continued to decrease, and now in April I am starting to feel like my old self again. Praise the LORD!!

I have so much joy every day now. Being Beulah's mom is more than I could ever ask or imagine. Andy and I look at each other everyday and shake our heads in amazement at how happy she is and how blessed we are to be her parents. Andy's mom described it best, we've gone from "Rags to riches!" That's exactly how we feel.

I still try to keep to a schedule, but most of the time I'm WAY more laid back if things aren't going as planned. I'm still obsessed with her cleanliness. For some reason I can't stand the thought of her clothes getting stained or ruined, so I can be pretty controlling during feedings. I tell myself it doesn't matter and I shouldn't be that way, but it doesn't change. And, I'm still trying to figure out how to cope when I'm cooking and she's hanging on my legs. That's the one time I get really anxious. I think it's because cooking is so time sensitive and I can't always just stop and tend to her when there's food on the stove.

In my fog, I felt justified in all of my thoughts and actions. I couldn't imagine feeling any different. I thought everyone else should feel exactly like I did, and I got angry when they didn't. I would tell Andy through tears that I just wanted somebody else to care as much as I did and to understand how important all this was. He and my mom got the brunt of it. They are saints in my eyes. I seemed to control myself better around Andy's mom, but I wasn't hiding anything. She saw it and was a huge help too, as was Andy's sister. Others would come just to sit with me and keep me company, encourage me, or help out if I needed it. I thank God so much for putting people around me to help ground me.

I'm sure I haven't even begun to see all the damage that was done during that time. I know that my controlling behavior effected Andy's confidence as a dad. It made him gun-shy to try anything. He was afraid that I would reprimand him for not doing things like I thought they should be done. But, thankfully, our LORD is in the healing business, and He has started the healing process already. I try to give Andy freedom to become the dad that God wants him to be. I try to stand back and let him find his own ways of interacting with Beulah and his own ways of accomplishing the tasks related to her care. That's not always easy, but it is necessary. It's not just women who go through PPD. Men go through it too. If you know a man going through PPD with his wife, encourage him. Send him a link to this so that he can see there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I thank God for His grace in healing our family. It gives me hope that we could do this again if He chooses to bless us with another child!

Insides Out

As humans, we are captivated by stories. We get lost in books and movies (and unfortunately reality TV), as we witness conflict, love and betrayal, tragedy and hope in other people's lives. We look for windows into their world and watch with anticipation as they face and respond to challenges. We are interested in how they are similar and different from us. Their stories can help us make sense of our own lives and world. God created us that way. That's why the Bible is written as a story, and one reason Jesus spoke in parables. Is it any wonder that the Bible is the world's best seller? I mean, when the author is also our Creator...

This is also why blogs are so popular. We love it when people lay their guts on the table for everyone to see. It moves us emotionally. It draws us back. It motivates us. It helps shape who we are as we agree with, disagree with, learn from, and are challenged by what we read. I like to consider my blog a ministry. I put my insides out there for others to see in hopes that it will help them (you) in some small way. But, unfortunately, due to time, my posts have become little more than a journal of Beulah's development. Of course, that's important, and I love doing it! Her development is ridiculously fascinating to me and maybe a handful of other people (like our parents and other out-of-state relatives), but perhaps not the majority of my followers.

I miss exposing my guts. It's therapy for me. It forces me to reflect and consider why I think and feel the way I do. Over the past year I have drafted 23 posts that have yet to be published. The drafts cover a wide range: sanctification through families, relationship changes after baby, the Holy Spirit as Counselor, breast-feeding, fear, selfishness, good books, PPD (postpartum depression), and many more. I write them in my head, but haven't found the time to put them down in black and white. Sometimes I come to blogger and simply write a title and one or two lines to remind me later where I was going in my head. But, it's time I go back and start hashing some of them out. To my faithful followers, hold on. There will be guts exposed over the next several months.

Interestingly, some of the posts are complete. But, before I hit the "publish" button, "something" told me to wait. I hadn't learned all I needed to learn on the topic yet. Of course, publishing a blog post doesn't make anyone an expert on the topic, but I at least like to think I'm sharing something well thought out that might be of value to someone else when I finally publish it. At this point though, I'm learning so much so fast, that the posts seem to morph before my eyes. So, I realize that I'm going to have to publish posts with the knowledge that there is more learning on the topic in my future. I've closed the book on infertility (Hallelujah!). I feel like God taught me a lot through those six long years, and I felt confident sharing it. But, now I feel like I've entered a world where the book will remain open and require multiple revisions over a lifetime. And, I look forward to baring my soul to you along the way.

Happy 1st Birthday, Beulah!!

I can't think of a more glorious day to have a first Birthday than Easter Sunday! All praise to God our Father, and Jesus Christ His Son for conquering sin and death on the cross, and offering us new life in Him through His resurrection! Life is worth living because He lives!!

This has been such a fun month. Beulah is bursting with personality, as you'll see in the pictures and videos. I finally got video of the knee bounce and of her taking steps (see videos)! She will be walking any day now!

You've probably noticed that I'm not in a lot of pictures with Beulah, but I think my mama is going to remedy that. One of our favorite things to do is Skype with our families. While we are video conferencing, my mom takes pictures with her web-cam and sends them to me. So, in the pictures, you should be able to see how much fun Beulah and I have together. She has become so affectionate over the past month. She gives hugs now! Mostly to me and her stuffed animals. :) It is one of the best feelings in the world! She loves to bite my nose (with her FOUR new teeth!) and pull my hair (see pictures). She thinks it's hilarious, so I don't mind. If we tell her to love her animals, she hugs them tight to her chest and twists from side to side, and sometimes she gives them kisses.

My little copy cat has learned a few new gestures that crack me up; batting her eye lashes, shrugging her shoulders while turning her palms up and shaking her head (as if to say, "I don't know."), fake laughing, and making kissey sounds. She loves to go back and forth with her grandparents on Skype showing off her new tricks. She's also figured out how to hold the cell phone to her ear and say "Hi". What? She's just now a year old! Oh boy, we're in for it!

Speaking of being in for it, she has continued to be pretty dramatic at meal time. She's started throwing her food on the floor. We're working on that, but in the meantime, I'm doing an awful lot of entertaining just to get food in her. She has a crazy loud squeal that we hear at almost every mealtime, but we also hear it anytime she's found something she likes that we have to take away for some reason. Man, she can be feisty!! Feisty, but also silly. We will ask her a question like, "Do you want to get your diaper changed?", and she will grin and shake her head "no". Sometimes her responses have perfect comedic timing.

Beulah is super observant and has started to figure out how some things work. Her physical development doesn't seem to have caught up to her cognitive, because she can get pretty frustrated when she can't make something work that she knows should work. Besides the cell phone, she has figured out cabinets, drawers, zip locks, lids and containers, stacking cups, drinking from a sippy cup, velcro, shoes, headbands and balls. She holds the bottom of a shoe up to the bottom of her foot and then offers me the shoe so that I can put it on her. As soon as I put the shoe on her, she unlatches the velcro and takes it off, then it becomes a game. Her daddy has been amazed at the fact that she's learned how to throw a ball! Aim is another story. But throwing, she gets! And, I don't know where she learned how to put on a horseshoe shaped headband (I've never worn one, and neither has she) but, she has one to play with, and she'll put it on her head (upside down, no less) and leave it there! She knows it's funny, so she starts cracking up. This child is too big for her britches!

This month, Beulah's verbal skills are developing fast. Besides "mama" and "dada", we've clearly heard her say "dog". Usually, when we see a dog we say, "doggie". She got very excited when she saw Pedro the other day and started saying, "ah-ggie, ah-ggie"!! It was such a great moment for me!! We also mock animal sounds with her a lot, and she will mimick our dog, monkey and goat sounds! This is SUCH a fun age!

Board books are one of Beulah's favorite things. A friend who was working in the church nursery one Sunday said that she just sat there looking at books most of the time. She'll open the pages and look at them. And, she's very tactile, so she loves the touch and feel books. But, she can also be very lively! If we put her on the couch, she will cruise the length of the couch as fast as she can, and when she gets to the end, she'll either fall backwards (trusting that she'll land on the soft cushions or that we'll catch her), or she'll try to climb over the arm onto the floor! One time she went over so fast I had to catch her by her leg! And, she LOVES to flip. So, when she starts this wild streak, we usually add some flips in to really liven things up. :)

Beulah had an awesome first birthday party. There will be more pics, etc. to come in the next few days. It was a blast, and she did great!!

I can't help but feel overwhelmed by our blessings today as we celebrate Beulah's birthday AND the resurrection of our Savior! Thank you God for the birth of this miracle one year ago today, and thank you for loving us enough that you allowed your Son to die so that she might have life.