The Moment I've Been Waiting For!!

We've got movement, people!!  What a ridiculously amazing miracle!!  I've heard it described as a flutter or a feeling similar to gas bubbles, but the best word I can use to describe it is energy.  It feels like a ball of energy inside.  I have to be very still to feel it, but when I do, I could just lay there for hours.  Thank you, God, for this privilege!

What's Going On Here?

Last week I wore a pair of jeans that someone loaned me.  They were a little loose, so they were comfortable.  It was possible that I could wear them for a while because they are low waisted.  But, this week...they don't fit!

Yesterday I subbed and went straight to the Y afterwards.  I went in the locker room to change into my workout clothes, but promptly left when I couldn't fit in those pants either!

I knew my hip bones would spread, but I thought it wouldn't be until closer to delivery.  I was relieved Tuesday when I talked to a girl who is 9 weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy and she said she went in to get fitted for a bridesmaid dress a few weeks ago and when she went back to try it on her hips were measuring two inches bigger!  I'm just glad I'm not alone.

This is one of those times when I'm reminded how important it is to have community around you.  If it weren't for the girls who have so generously loaned me clothes to wear throughout my pregnancy, I'd be sporting pants that were never intended to look like spandex!  Thanks, Pricilla, Jeni, Kylie and Courtney! 

Mommy Mush Brain

I've heard of this happening.  Well, it's started!  Today I lost my train of thought three times in a twenty minute period.  :)

My Growing Belly

Per the request of many of my out of town friends and family, here is a picture of the beginnings of my baby bump!  It looks big to me now, but I know it will grow significantly before all is done.  I love it!  This picture was taken at Mike's wedding.

Our Baby!

Here it is, thanks to Greg!  It's a LONG video (13 minutes) but it gets better as it goes on.  If you don't have time to watch the whole thing, start it at the 7 min. 30 sec. mark.  That's where you'll really see some action.  

Throughout, the tech stops to take measurements.  One time you see the arrow point around the boy/girl area, but she was pointing to the bladder, so don't get too excited.  Although I got pretty excited because that was a good sign that the kidneys were working properly!  At one point you'll see the crown of the head.  It might look like a circle to you, but if you look in the circle you should see a butterfly.  She said it's called the "butterfly effect" and it shows the two hemispheres of the brain.  And yes, that little flutter you see is the HEARTBEAT!!

I wish I could watch it with you so that I could point out the times where you can tell I'm laughing.  You'll see the walls of the uterus contract quickly and repeatedly.  She was trying to make me laugh so that the baby would move and change positions.  My favorite parts are when you can see the spine, the little bottom, the legs kicking, etc.  It's amazing that they have the technology to look inside and see all of that at only 11.5 weeks!  Unbelievable!!

Our anatomy scan should be the week before Thanksgiving, so don't forget to cast your vote for boy or girl in the poll on the right before then!

Baby Crissinger Ultrasound from Michelle Crissinger on Vimeo.

Milestone!

Celebrate with me today as I enter my second trimester! Hurray!

The First of Many

Yesterday we stopped at Wendy's on our way down to FL. Unlike Andy, I'm one of those people that isn't afraid to look strangers in the eye and compliment them. As we were walking past this woman playing with her baby, I said to Andy, loudly enough for them to hear, "Look how cute she is!" We smiled at each other and she said, "I see your baby bump!"

I thought it was brave of her to say, especially since I'm still not too big yet. But, it sure did make me happy to hear it. :)

Scary

Tuesday I learned that a friend had a miscarriage. All day Wednesday I thought about her and prayed that God would comfort her and her husband. I tried to imagine how she must feel by trying to put myself in her shoes, but of course, I can't really know.

As we sat down for dinner Wednesday night, I started getting this sharp pain in my stomach. It continued to get worse during dinner. It was like a contraction in my stomach, not my lower abdomen where the baby is, but just above my belly button. After sitting for a while I couldn't stand straight because it felt like something was pulling and it kept getting worse. I went to the bathroom to check for blood, but praise the Lord, there was none.

I decided to take a shower, and after almost three hours of this sharp pain surging and releasing non-stop, I just got down on my knees in the shower and prayed to the only one who could make it stop. About five minutes later the pain was gone for good.

I am SO thankful to God that everything seems to be OK. But, please remember my friend when you pray.

I Saw My Baby Yesterday!!!

Have you ever been really excited about something just to have your joy squashed by someone's words?  I don't know if we realize how powerful our tongue can be.  If you tell people that you're pregnant before your second trimester you better be prepared to hear a variety of responses.  Most people we told were ecstatic, but the ones that showed hesitation to be excited or asked questions that were leading to the possibility of miscarriage or other complications, those were the ones that stuck to me.  I mean, I understand why.  Some of them have been through some really traumatic experiences and don't want to see us hurt.

Most of the time I could fight off the fear by reminding myself that God is the one that made this happen in the first place and that He would take care of this baby, but then my fear would consume me again when I had a few days without symptoms and thought that maybe the baby had stopped developing.  So, you can imagine the anxiety with which I climbed up on the table yesterday for my first ultra sound.  I knew this was the moment that would determine my journey for the months ahead.

If you've been through this before, you know that feeling...I'm laying there with hopes and fears swirling around together, dying to know which will win.  The ultra sound tech puts the warm gel on my belly, I hold my breath and grab Andy's hand as she puts the wand to my abdomen, and there it is...the most beautiful sight a mother could see, MY BABY!!!!  We gasp together and watch eagerly as she scrolls over this tiny little person inside me.  How amazing it is to see that tiny little beating heart, that gorgeous spine, those arms and legs moving, the two hemispheres of the brain!!  She said she could see the bladder, which means the kidneys must be functioning properly!  I'm not typically so attracted to organs which is one reason I knew I could never work in the medical field, but I must say, I have never seen anything so beautiful in my life!!  We got a DVD of the whole sonogram and our first baby pictures to capture the moment.  What a treasure!  I'll post some ASAP so you can meet baby Crissinger.  Uncle Mike is getting married this weekend, so we haven't had time to do it yet...maybe next week.

I am so incredibly thankful for this blessing.  I know that I have been guarding my heart and not letting myself fall in love with this baby for fear that I would lose him/her.  But, seeing him/her on the screen yesterday changed that...and the bonding begins!

A Great Moment!

I am quickly growing out of my clothes, so Andy took me to Babies R Us to get some maternity pants in case I get a substitute job and need to dress up.  As we were pulling into the parking spot, I looked up and noticed Andy had pulled into the "Expectant Mom's" spot!!!  I bounced in my seat and clapped my hands like a little kid.  I kept saying, "Yeah!  This is SO great!  This is SO great!"  I used to kind of roll my eyes when I passed those spots.  Not anymore!  Praise God!

Thoughts

A very sweet friend has offered to make the most amazing gift for me.  She will be taking belly pictures of me throughout the pregnancy and then putting them together in a sort of timeline.  She has asked me to send her some of my thoughts that she may use for the gift.  Here is what I sent her after my first picture was taken.

1. One of my favorite verses that I held onto throughout my time of infertility:  Psalm 113:9  
2. God has a plan for this child as his/her very existence is a miracle that has grown the faith of so many even before his/her birth.
3. There is no other way to parent than to trust the God of the universe to care for your child, even from the womb.
4. Nothing can make you fear more than the thought of harm coming to your child, even in the womb.
5. I had a beautiful dream of bathing and nursing our new little bundle.  I love him/her already.
6. It is such a privilege to experience the miracle of life developing inside your body.  Only God can do that.
7. It's easier for me to believe in a God I can't see with my eyes than it is to believe this baby that I can't see is actually there. 

2nd Doctor's Visit

At my second visit, I was 8.5 weeks.  I was excited to think that I might get to hear the heartbeat through a doppler, and I wanted to hear the doctor say things were progressing well.  Boy was I disappointed!  She didn't even examine me.  I didn't pee in a cup, change into a gown...nothing!  She asked me if I was having symptoms, told me my blood tests came back good, and that was it!  At this early stage, a girl just wants to hear the doctor say everything looks good.  But, we scheduled an ultra screening for 12 weeks, so I'm excited that we'll get to SEE the baby at that point!

1st Doctor's Visit

I couldn't WAIT to get to my first doctor's visit!  Even though three test sticks and indigestion were telling me I am pregnant, I still wanted confirmation from a doctor.  Unfortunately, the two days before had been kind of rough for me.  Let's just say, that morning I was in the bathroom three times between 5:00-5:30 AM, and I wasn't pukin'.  I was seriously worried about dehydration at that point.  Andy had to put a chair in the bathroom for me to sit on while I got ready for the appointment.

I was so happy to have Andy there with me at the appointment.  I had to rush to the bathroom once while waiting to get called back.  When I was called, the nurse said, "The first thing I'm going to need from you is a clean urine sample."

Me:  "I don't think I'm going to be able to give you that."

(before she let me explain why I would say such a thing) Nurse:  "Well, we can't put you in a room until we verify the pregnancy and we can't do that without a urine sample."

Me:  "Could you hold on for just in minute and let me explain?  I have been in the bathroom for two days straight and haven't HAD any urine in the past few hours."

Nurse:  "Well, all we need is a couple of drops to get a positive result, and we can't go forward without it."

Me:  "You can't do a blood test?"

Nurse:  "You need a doctor's authorization for that."

Andy:  "Can you just work with her here?  She's sick!"

Nurse:  "I'm sorry, this is how we do it here.  All we need is a couple of drops."

Me:  "Well, I'll see what I can do then."

I couldn't even fill the bottom of the cup, but it was enough to get the positive, which made me VERY happy!  As we rounded the corner for a weight and blood pressure check, the second nurse we encountered said, "So, you're sick as a dog, huh?"  I guess our reputation had proceeded us.

The rest of the appointment went much smoother.  It was the first time I've seen a male doctor, but we both liked him a lot.  He was funny and didn't make me feel weird at all.  When he examined me he said, "Well, you're just out of the gate, girl!"  He said I was 4.5 weeks.  He told me he had seen a lot of women that week with a virus and that was probably what was probably what I had.  He told me to take Immodium.

It felt so good to be taken back to the room that only pregnant women get to go to when they talk to the nurse about options for tests, what to eat and not eat, etc.  I told the nurse, "I've been waiting a long time to have this conversation with you."  She gave me lots of things to read.  I realized that I've done plenty of reading on parenting styles, but I hadn't expected to have to think about pregnancy, birth/delivery, or breast-feeding!  I've got lots to learn!

Witness A Miracle

To find out why this is such a miracle, you can read our story on my other blog, Infertility and Adoption.  You can see by the title why I would want to start a new blog for this next adventure in our lives.  This first post has been lifted from that blog to help get our new story started.

Sit back, relax, grab a cup of coffee...or hot chocolate if you prefer.  I want to tell you a story from our recent trip to Guatemala.

My husband, Andy was asked to do the Sunday morning devotional for our team.  He chose to speak about adoption since our trip to Guatemala last year was the motivating factor for us seriously pursuing adoption.  It was appropriate, too, because this July marked our sixth year of waiting for a baby.  So, he shared a little of our story simply to help illustrate the message.  He talked about the fact that all believers are adopted into God’s family (Ephesians 1:5).  And, our adoption makes us children of God and co-heirs with Christ (Romans 8:17).  Now, that’s good stuff!

Afterwards, one of the missionaries currently living in Guatemala, Luis, told us that he felt that he and Ron, the director of the mission organization, should pray for us.  He said they’ve prayed for many women who weren’t able to conceive who later conceived.   He said that in Hebrews 11:11 it says that God gave Sarah the “strength” to conceive (NKJ), he then cross referenced that with Philippians 4:13, “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” 

Andy said later that when Luis proposed this, his first thought was, “Were you not listening to what I just said?  I said we’re adopting.”  But, he knew this guy hadn’t walked through the whole process with us over the past six years, and we knew God would get His way no matter what.

About two minutes later, Ron, who had not heard our conversation with Luis, said that the Lord showed him he needed to pray for us.  Last year he said that to our pastor’s wife who had been suffering from debilitating migraines for 15 years and she was healed!  So, we said, “OK.”

A couple of days passed and they hadn’t prayed for us yet, so as they were leaving one night a lady from our team said, “Ron, are you going to pray for Andy and Michelle?”  He said, “Oh, I’ve already pronounced her pregnant, but I’ll pray if you want me to.”

WHAT?  What in the world?  How can that be?  I started my period the day before we left for Guatemala and we’d been in separate rooms ever since!  (TMI—I know.)

So, the group laid hands on us and Ron hovered his hand over my womb and began to pray.  It wasn’t a weird emotional thing, just a simple prayer that went something like this:  “Lord, we come to you asking that you bless this couple with a child.  We ask you to open Michelle’s womb and allow her to conceive.  I come against the spirit of infidelity…wait, that’s not right…what’s the word?”  The group said collectively, “INFERTILITY!”  Ron said, “Oh yeah.  I come against the spirit of infertility in the name of Jesus.  So many people see children as a burden, but Michelle and Andy have been waiting for a child for a long time, Lord.  They want to be parents.  I pray that you would not allow them to be negative about this, but that you would bless them by allowing her to conceive.  I pray believing that you have done it already. In Jesus’ name I pray.  Amen.”

After our group concluded, I went up to get a shower and cried, a lot.  I was scared to open my heart to the possibility again.  I had prayed and believed before and it didn’t happen, so I had closed that part of my heart off in defense.  I asked God if I should believe, if I should open my heart to hope for pregnancy again.  I knew that if it was of Him that it would happen, but if it was just people who wanted good things for us, my heart would be broken again.

Then I started to think about all the people who were in the room during the prayer and how the result of this prayer would affect their faith too.  I knew at the end of the month if I wasn’t pregnant that it wouldn’t rock my world so much that I would lose faith in God.  He’s taught me that my faith can’t be dependent on whether He gives me what I want or not.  But, what about them?  How would this affect their faith?  That thought was too much for me.  I knew it was out of my control.  So, finally I said, “God, all I can do is trust you.  I trust you with our hearts and with the faith of all of those who were there.  This is your deal.  I trust you.”

For the remainder of the trip, Ron made comments to me as if I had already gotten a positive pregnancy test.  One time he said, “the next time I hug you I won’t be able to get this close to you because you’ll have a big belly!”  I didn’t really know how to respond to those kinds of comments.  He said, “You’ve got to start talking like that now.”

At the Guatemala City airport, a second team of missionaries from Eternal flew in on the same plane we were to fly home on.  So, we got to hang out with them in the airport for a few minutes as our week of service was ending and theirs was beginning.  The pastor and his wife were on team 2, so I went to her right away and told her that Ron had prayed for me.  She immediately started crying.  She knew that when Ron prayed, he wasn’t messin’ around!  After all, God healed her last year and she had complete faith that God could heal me too.  So, she looked me in the eyes and said, “Live in it.” (Mark 11:24)

We were home for a week before we went down to FL for two weeks to visit Andy’s family.  As we were packing, I calculated the days and figured out that I should expect my next period while we were gone.  But, all I could think was “live in it,” so I didn’t pack any tampons. Instead, I packed two pregnancy tests and the Willow Tree statue, “New Dad”, that I had bought years before and planned to give Andy to let him know our first child was on the way! At this point I had decided to live in full faith that God was going to answer the prayers for me to conceive and trusted that He would be there for me if it wasn’t His will.  I had more than the faith of a mustard seed that God could do this (Matthew 17:20).

While in FL, I took care of my body as if I were pregnant.  I didn’t get in the hot tub at Andy’s parents house, which was very strange to everyone else who knows how much I love the hot tub.  I wouldn’t eat certain foods like soft cheeses, and I just kind of took it easy.  I even said to myself secretly in my head sometimes, “I’m pregnant!”  Andy on the other hand struggled to believe it.  He felt so strongly that God had clearly shown us the path to adoption that it just wasn’t His plan for me to be pregnant.

Three days before my expected period, I woke up before Andy with the intention of taking a pregnancy test.  I went into the bathroom and peed on the stick.  It was the calmest I’ve ever been taking a pregnancy test.  As I waited for the results, I prayed that God would guard my heart.  I had such a peace that He would be there to comfort me if I looked over and saw a negative. 

Now, put down your hot beverage.

I’m pregnant!  Yep, you heard me right, I’M PREGNANT!!!!  Now, stop reading for a moment and let this miracle of God sink in.  Praise the Lord!!!!

It was the most surreal moment.  It was like a movie scene where I was flying through a tunnel of pictures from the last six years of infertility at lightening speed and it all stopped on that positive sign.  My plan was to go back in the room and give Andy the statue of the man holding the baby and let him figure it out, but...that’s not what happened.  J

I SO needed another human being to confirm that what I was seeing was real, I mean, I’ve never seen a positive pregnancy test before.  So, I ran in the room (I had to wake Andy up) and grabbed the paper in the test box that tells you what to look for.  I held it in front of his face with a shaking hand.  Once I felt sure his eyes had focused enough to know what he was looking at, I held the stick up next to the paper.  I watched his eyes move from the stick to the paper, from the stick to the paper, from the stick to the paper…and then he gasped.  We looked at each other with eyes and mouths wide open like, “Are you serious?!!”  And, I just smiled and nodded.  We hugged and cried and I shook like Chihuahua.  It was a magical moment!

If you’ve been reading my blog from the beginning, you know how important it was for me to tell everyone on person.  Well, listen to how much God cares about the details.  We were in Orlando visiting Andy’s sister when I took the test, so we got to tell her family.  Then, we stopped off and told my brother in Palm Coast on our way to tell Andy’s parents in Orange Park.  We stayed a couple more days with his parents and got to tell his grandparents and cousins.  One the way home, we stopped off at my parent’s house in GA.  When we got home we got to tell almost everyone in person.  The reactions were SIX times greater because of how long we’ve waited.  I will treasure their faces, hugs, and words of praise to God for the rest of my life.

Sometimes when I tell people, they say things like “See, all you needed to do was relax and not be under so much stress.” Or “That’s how it happens, you start the adoption process and BOOM!”  All I can say to that is, no.  Don’t give credit to anything other than who it was, a blatant MIRACLE from God.  And I ask that you don’t leave that part of the story out when you tell it to others.

I am eight weeks along, due April 9th.  The doctor said everything looks good!

Thank you all for your faithful prayers over the past six years.  We know that God heard your prayers too.  He is faithful and good, even when we don’t understand his timing.

These verses have comforted and encouraged me over the past six years.

Psalm 113

1 Praise the LORD.  Praise, O servants of the LORD, praise the name of the LORD

2 Let the name of the LORD be praised, both now and forevermore.

3 From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the LORD is to be praised.

4 The LORD is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens.

5 Who is like the LORD our God, the One who sits enthroned on high,

6 who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?

7 He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap;

8 he seats them with princes, with the princes of their people.

9 He settles the barren woman in her home as the happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.